Into the Gray
by RainbowDiamonds
Summary: FBI agent Kendall Knight's mission in life is to get rid of monsters like the one who stole his family from him. Along with new partner Logan Mitchell, he has an opportunity when assigned to go undercover and bring down Carlos Garcia, who represents everything Kendall detests. But he finds that not everything is black and white. Kendall/Carlos, James/Logan. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So this is weird for me. I never post a new story until the one I'm currently posting is finished. I'm feeling the need to get some feedback about this one, though, because I'm about halfway through the writing of it now and 200 pages in, it's not what I thought it was going to be. It went in a different direction. Though I still am planning the original ending I came up with the day I first started it, so much between the first chapter and where I'm at now has changed that I'm not sure how I feel about it. So I need to know how YOU feel about it. I know that doesn't make much sense, but please give me your reactions and thoughts so I know how this is coming across.

I really debated whether or not to post this because I don't plan to post the next chapter until "A New Path" is completed on this site, and that will be another few weeks to a month. Just bear with me because this entire style of story is so foreign to me and it's taking me out of my comfort zone but I need to know if I'm on the right track, and if so, if I should stay on it.

And I'm rambling again. Is that any surprise? If you've read my stories, you know I ramble a lot. Here's what I have to say about this one. I know almost nothing about the FBI outside of what I've seen in movies/shows and read in books of fiction. Therefore, this story probably won't be accurate to what it's really like. Please don't come at me with "that would never happen" because I'm aware of that. I'm a firm believer in the "suspension of disbelief" theory when reading books or watching movies. Enjoy it without thinking too hard haha. I know the FBI probably doesn't work this way. But it works for the story, so that's what I'm going with.

One other thing: this has not been run by my beta. All future chapters will be before I post, but I needed to get this out now so I went for it and will probably regret that. Any mistakes are 100% mine.

Other than that...here we go. I'm nervous about this one. Let me know what you think! And even if you don't, thanks for giving it a chance.

* * *

Kendall Knight reached into his mailbox, unable to keep from glancing to his right at the pale yellow two-story home that felt too far away, yet too close with only one other house between them. He forced himself to keep the stare brief, not wanting to raise any suspicions about his interest in the dwelling, and then sorted through the items he'd pulled out. Junk mail, mostly. One magazine devoted to crocheting, of all things, that was addressed to the former resident.

Hyper aware of any activity along the street, he noted a beige sedan turning into a driveway on the left corner. To his right was a woman walking her dog. Behind him, a man was mowing his lawn. All normal, everyday activities in a typical suburban neighborhood and none of the residents had any idea they shared it with one of the world's most successful dealers in the drug trade.

Kendall spared the yellow house one more quick look, seeing that the curtains in every window were still closed, but that was no surprise; they had been since he moved in two days ago. The woman walking her dog raised a hand in his direction and he smiled back, careful to behave like any new neighbor would. The black Labrador strained against its leash, excited and wanting to make a new friend, and Kendall made a snap decision to go along with it; the action would give him an excuse to walk in front of the yellow house.

"Is it okay to approach?" he called out, to which the woman nodded and explained that Rocket loved meeting new people. It worked out perfectly, the two meeting halfway directly where Kendall wanted to be, and he waited for the dog to sit before offering his hand for the sniff test. "He's gorgeous," Kendall grinned.

"Thanks. You're okay to pet him now. I'm Teresa, by the way. Welcome to the neighborhood."

Before burying his fingers in soft, glossy fur, Kendall reached out to shake Teresa's hand. "Thanks. Stephen. Nice to meet you. And you too, Rocket," he laughed, as the dog was offended at being ignored.

"Do you have any dogs? Rocket loves to play."

"I don't, actually. Just me in that big house."

"Really?"

Her sudden peaked interest surprised Kendall, as he'd been given enough information on his neighbors to know she was married and raising three children. Before he could answer, he was distracted by what looked like a finger moving a curtain aside to peek out of the front window of the house they stood in front of. He continued to pet Rocket while surreptitiously watching for more activity, but there was nothing and he wondered if he'd imagined it.

"Yeah, just needed a new start and less distractions," he stated for Teresa's benefit. He transferred the magazine and junk mail to his right hand. "Which reminds me, I've got a lasagna in the oven. It was wonderful to meet you both, but I should get back before I burn the place to the ground."

"Oh, you cook as well? I love to cook, we should trade recipes sometime!"

"No, it's a frozen one from the supermarket," Kendall blushed. "I'm the stereotypical bachelor. But again, it was nice meeting you." He bent down to one knee and gave Rocket a few extra scratches. "See you around, buddy."

"Enjoy your dinner, then. Come on, Rocket!"

Kendall waited until they'd turned away from him to study the curtain again. _Had_ it moved? This was impossible, he needed to _act_. He'd never been one to wait patiently and this case was proving more difficult as time went on. Stone had said the man would be turning onto the street soon, and Kendall could only stand outside for so long without attracting attention. Where was he?

Frustrated, he headed back toward his own house, body tingling when the sound of another car approaching reached him. He looked back over his shoulder and _yes._ This was who he was waiting for. Why couldn't the man have arrived when Kendall had an excuse to be near his driveway?

He slowed his pace and strolled along the sidewalk in front of his own lawn, turning into the walk just as the man's car door opened and he stepped out. Finally, Kendall got his first look at the man in person rather than just pictures and video.

His target was short, though Kendall had known that from his briefing. He had black hair and eyes that were almost as dark from this distance. The haircut was neat and tidy, clothing relaxed as Kendall's eyes took in faded blue jeans and what was commonly known as a baseball tee. Kendall was amused that the color of the sleeves matched the house's exterior paint. His shoes looked just as comfortable as the jeans did, though the neon green color clashed with everything else.

 _So he's got a fun side. Good to know._

Sensing eyes on him, the man glanced to his left after shutting the car door. Kendall allowed himself to be caught staring, acting embarrassed and feeling his cheeks flush when their gazes met. "Hey," he managed, raising his voice a tad to reach two houses away.

The man nodded once in acknowledgement but then proceeded to ignore Kendall, who watched him move to the car's trunk to open it.

 _I should go. I need to walk away now, because I'm supposed to blend and staring at him is the wrong way to avoid suspicion from someone who is probably paranoid, but dammit I'm sick of waiting, I have to make something happen. Maybe if I—_

"You just moved in, right?"

The words shocked Kendall, coming from a face that wasn't even looking at him but instead focused on shouldering a gym bag before slamming the trunk closed.

"Y-yeah. Hi. I'm Steve. Sorry if I was staring, I just...well, the truth is I love your shoes."

The man laughed so that his face changed completely, a boyish charm taking it over as he turned to face Kendall. "Thanks. I like a little flash, you know?"

"I see that. Wicked ride, too."

He patted the electric blue sportscar a few times, pure joy suffusing his features. "She's my baby. Dreamed of owning this car all my life. I guess sometimes dreams do come true, eh?"

"Sometimes," Kendall smiled.

"Well, I gotta get inside. Nice meeting you."

Just like that, Kendall was dismissed as the man turned away.

 _Shit shit say something say something say something._

What came out was, "I didn't catch your name."

Just before turning a corner that would've hidden him from view, the man stopped and looked over with a grin. "Carlos."

"Carlos," Kendall repeated. "See you around, Carlos."

"If you're lucky."

With that parting shot, Carlos disappeared. Kendall waited all of two seconds before rushing toward his own front door, and once it was closed and locked he dropped the mail to the floor and ran down a hall to skid into a room on the left, which was filled with a large desk boasting no less than four computer monitors and a wall of equipment he didn't understand half of.

"He's home."

"I'm on it," the man behind the desk assured him, moving his focus from the monitor trained on exterior locations to one showing the inside of Carlos' house. "You finally talked to him. Nice work."

"It wasn't easy, the guy is never outside for more than thirty seconds. He gave me his real name, though, which was a surprise."

"Really? That _is_ surprising. Maybe he's less careful than we—oh, shh, he's about to talk to Hot Guy. Sit!"

Kendall sank into a chair next to his partner and focused on the video Logan enlarged to fit the entire screen. An annoyed voice came through the high-tech speakers.

"What part of 'Don't talk to anyone' is so hard for you to understand, Carlos?"

That was the bodyguard, who Kendall had known was in the house. He and Carlos were currently standing in the kitchen, where the other man had been cooking something on the stove but was now leaning against a counter to lecture Carlos.

"Relax, James, he's nobody. Just a new neighbor."

"James!" Logan hissed. "His name is James! Write that down!"

"James," Kendall echoed. "We finally have a name for that son of a bitch."

"Just a new neighbor?" James continued. "How many times do I have to tell you that no one is nobody? Everyone's a threat, even some random dude that moves in two houses down!"

"Stop it, he's not a threat. He's actually kind of cute, in a shy way."

Kendall blinked at hearing Carlos call him "cute" while Logan smirked over at him. "He already thinks you're cute. _Very_ nice work."

"Carlos." James let out a long sigh and pressed a hand to his forehead. "We talked about this. I know you get lonely, but you can't risk getting to know someone no matter how cute he is. If you need a fix, let me call a fucking hooker for you. I know plenty of them that are trustworthy."

"You know that's not my style. What are you making for dinner?"

"Nothing if you don't listen to me. Are you listening to me, Carlos?"

This time it was Carlos who sighed, then turned to face James while leaning against the opposite counter with arms crossed over his chest. "So it's dangerous that a dude liked my shoes and my car and was just being friendly? Come on, man, he's new in the neighborhood! He doesn't know anybody, cut him some slack!"

"He does. I saw him talking to the chick who lives on the corner, right in front of our house. I don't trust him."

"What were they talking about?"

"I don't fucking know, he was petting her damn dog."

"Wow, sounds pretty dangerous," Carlos nodded. "You're right, this guy's a menace."

"Carlos!" James yelled, at his limit. "We moved here for privacy, to try to blend in! You can't afford to call attention to yourself!"

"All I did was say hi to a new neighbor! You can't get much more normal than that, James! Look, I know you're here to watch over me, and I get it. I get that it's your job to worry. But...I have to blend in, right? Wouldn't it attract more suspicion if I was a dick to my neighbors? Think about it!"

James obviously didn't want to think about it. He shook his head in frustration and returned his attention to the pan on the stove, using a spatula to move the contents around and lowering the flame. "Just think before you talk to people, okay? Anyone could be an undercover agent. Anyone could be the enemy. _Anyone."_

"I know. I'm not stupid. Trust me, this guy is harmless. And I won't talk to him again, okay? I'm not outside long enough to build a friendship anyway."

"I think it's time I start going everywhere with you. It's what your uncle intended, anyway. I can't protect you when you're gone."

"You also can't protect the product when you're not here. That's more important, isn't it?"

James frowned at Carlos. "Your uncle does care about you, you know."

"Not as much as his money." When James remained silent, Carlos added, "You know I'm right."

"You're not. He loves you more than you realize."

"Whatever. I'm gonna go take a shower, I'm gross."

"Tacos will be ready in about twenty minutes. Don't take forever."

Carlos was already out of the kitchen, though, leaving James alone to finish preparing dinner.

Two houses away, Logan turned to Kendall. "Well, Hot Guy is already suspicious. That's just great."

"We know his name now, you don't have to call him that anymore."

Logan shrugged. "Not sure I can call him anything else. I mean, have you _seen_ him?"

"Only on video, like you. Though I know now he was watching me from inside the house. I felt it at the time."

"Yeah, he was peeking through the living room curtains. He's not as dumb as he looks. Definitely more than a hot jock."

"You seem fixated on him being hot," Kendall mused.

"Duh, I've only been saying that for two days. Watching him shower is not a hardship." When Kendall snickered, Logan asked, "Are you telling me I'm wrong? Or are you actually into girls and the whole gay thing is just for the mission?"

"I don't have time to date," Kendall deflected.

"That's not what I asked. Are you gay?"

"I've only dated girls in the past."

"Still not what I asked."

Cornered, Kendall shrugged. "Honestly? I don't really give it much thought but I can definitely admit it when a guy is hot."

"Like Hot Guy is."

Kendall turned his focus to the monitor, where James was chopping lettuce. He hadn't really thought of the man as more than a target; he knew James' statistics—he was a little over six feet, with brown hair that he wore a tad long, hazel eyes, and a muscular frame. Was James hot, though? Kendall supposed he was. "Okay, yeah. He's hot. But I don't really let myself think of our targets like that. It's just a job. And this is the most important one I've ever had, so I'm not gonna let anything fuck it up."

"Carlos said you were shy. I can't imagine you shy."

"I played that up. Wanted to be non-threatening."

"You succeeded. Can we get tacos for dinner?"

"There's a lasagna in the freezer. I was gonna heat that up."

"But now tacos sound good. And look good, too. This guy's not bad behind a stove."

"Fine, we can order tacos."

"No, I want the place on the corner and they don't deliver."

"Logan, I told Teresa I was eating in tonight. It's gonna look weird if I come back with tacos."

"She's not even gonna notice! Her kids will be home any second and she won't have time to pay attention to what her neighbors are eating for dinner."

"I don't want to miss anything here, though. What if they give up information while they're eating?"

"I've got it handled. Come on, Kendall, please? I'm stuck in this house 24/7 and can't even go out in the sun. Don't I deserve good tacos once in awhile?"

Logan's whining did its job so that Kendall felt guilty enough to rise from the chair. "Fine. But you'd better not miss anything good while I'm gone. No bathroom breaks."

"I have the wireless that goes with me when I leave the room. I can hear everything no matter where I am in this house. Relax. Two beef and one chicken!" he called out as Kendall escaped into the hallway. "And a side of chips and salsa!"

"Yes, master!" Kendall called back. He grabbed his car keys off the rack with an ever-suffering sigh. It was a damn good thing Logan was so good at his job.

* * *

Kendall glanced at the yellow house briefly in passing, but he knew he wouldn't see anything; James hadn't left the house once in the time they'd been watching it, and Carlos had gone only to the gym, a grocery store, and a drugstore. Oh, and the midnight run for snacks at the local convenience store. They'd learned quickly that Carlos had a weakness for cheese puffs.

Not much else was known about him outside of the information given to Kendall at the time of the original briefing. Kendall remembered being nervous as he walked into his director's office, having been told only that he was being assigned to a case of high importance. He knew that meant this would be the time to really prove himself, to show he was capable of more than gathering information from witnesses and following up on leads for other agents. He'd been told that he was chosen for this one partly because he had "a way with people" and "easily gained trust." His looks had only helped, as their target was not only partial to men, but tall blond men. At about six feet, Kendall fulfilled that trait.

"Your ultimate mission is to find out the location of the manufacturing facility," his director had informed him. "You'll do this by gaining his trust enough that he lets his guard down around you and allows information to slip out. You're to take this as far as necessary, which means you might have to engage in sexual relations with the man. Is this something you can do, or do we need to find another agent?"

"Uh..." Kendall had to admit it was daunting, but he was eager to prove himself and though he'd never actually slept with a man before, the idea didn't disgust him. "I can do it if I need to. What do we know about this man? Carlos, you said?"

"Garcia," his director nodded. "Carlos Garcia is the nephew of Luis Garcia, who as you know is our most sought-after narcotics distributor. Numerous attempts at taking him down have failed, so we're trying to a new approach. Luis is too smart and too heavily guarded, but he does have one weakness. His nephew."

"Why not just kidnap the nephew and use him as leverage to make Luis turn himself in?" Kendall wondered.

"Because we're the FBI and we don't kidnap."

Kendall wasn't sure that was the whole truth, but he nodded anyway. "Haven't we captured some of his team members in the past, though? I could swear that last month I heard we were finally about to get to him."

"You did. Last month, and probably the month before that, and even two months prior to _that._ The problem is that every time we make an arrest, that person suddenly finds himself dead. While in custody."

"Which means Garcia has people working on the inside."

"Exactly, but so do we. So that's what we're gonna do. We've already infiltrated his organization here and there, but we're no closer to getting what we need because they've all been warned not to speak about certain things except with Luis himself. The ones we did get...well, they're dead now."

Kendall blew out a breath. "How am I supposed to get close to his nephew? Surely he's not stupid enough to spill his secrets either."

"No, but if we go after him and successfully get him, we're 90% sure Garcia won't have him killed. He's got the protection of family loyalty, and none of the others ever had that."

"Only 90%?" Kendall echoed.

"That's the percentage given to me by the profilers who have studied the case. Garcia loves his nephew like a son, though. He's grooming Carlos to take over the operation one day. He's raised Carlos and his younger sister from the time Carlos was five, when their parents were murdered in vengeance by an opposing cartel. The sister was killed over a year ago. If anyone knows all there is to know about the organization, it's the nephew."

"How old is he now?"

"A year younger than you. We're counting on you to win him over, Knight. Just turn on that charm you use to get people to talk. Use whatever means you have to in order to gain his trust."

"Okay, but...is there a plan for this? How am I supposed to make contact?"

"We've set all that up. Garcia recently rented a home through one of his underlings. We assumed it was to manufacture the product, but instead he moved his nephew into it, along with a bodyguard. We think the man's become paranoid since we've managed to arrest so many of his inside people over the past few months, and he's hiding his nephew away to keep him safe. Probably also to keep him from talking to the wrong people, which is exactly what we want him to do with you. It's a quiet neighborhood. They've been there about three weeks and haven't raised any red flags. We're moving you into a house two doors down from them. You'll have Agent Mitchell living in the house with you, but his presence won't be known to anyone outside the house. Have you worked with Mitchell in the past?"

"Uh...I don't think so? I might've seen him a few times in passing."

"He's a tech specialist. The best we've got. He'll be your eyes and ears, using remote equipment to monitor not only Garcia's home, but the entire street."

"How do we get him inside the house without being seen?"

"He's already there. We're sending in a moving truck to make it look like you hired professionals."

"When does this happen?"

"Tomorrow. We're installing all of the equipment today; it wasn't easy, but we arranged for the entire street to be evacuated long enough to get everything set up. There will be cameras in every room of Garcia's house. We already found some product in the basement."

"We can't just raid the place based on that alone?"

"We can, but it's not going to get us anywhere."

"But if Garcia won't have his nephew killed—"

"There's still no guarantee the nephew will talk. We need you to do that, because the old approach isn't working."

Kendall took all of that in and nodded. "What do we know about the bodyguard?"

"Nothing. The man's a mystery. Even our guys on the inside haven't been able to learn anything about him, because none of Garcia's men seem to know who he is. All that's known is that he's in place to keep Carlos safe."

"Does he have a name?"

"I'm sure he does. We're counting on you to find that for us."

"Wow. So obscure the FBI can't even identify him? I'm kind of impressed."

"Use your skills, Knight. This assignment is one of our top priorities, we've lost too many men over this asshole. We don't want to lose anymore." The director let that digest before he stated, "The folder in front of you contains all the intel we have on Carlos, and what little we've managed to gain on the bodyguard. Study it all tonight and go in tomorrow knowing your targets better than you know your own mother. We can't afford any screw ups on this one. Memorize all of the information about yourself, too."

Kendall nodded slowly. "What's my cover?"

"Your name is Stephen Adams. You're a writer who moved there to work on a book, needed to get away from all the distractions of a big city. You're also gay. No family or friends nearby. You prefer solitude, unless of course Carlos wants to get to know you. Which we're counting on."

"Is there a particular way you want me to approach him?"

"We're leaving that up to you and trusting your instincts on this. You know people. While this assignment is of the highest importance and we want it resolved as soon as possible, we want you to do it right. Don't rush it. We'd rather have success after a longer wait than failure because we were impatient and screwed it up. Understood?"

"Yes. Can you give me an estimate, though? Are we talking a few weeks? A month?"

"As long as it takes. You'll know when the time is right to make your move, and how quickly to progress once you do. The bodyguard might stand in your way."

"Well. I'll just have to win him over too, I guess."

The director seemed pleased with that answer. "I have another meeting. If you have any questions, you know how to get in touch. Be here at 0400 hours and we'll fly you out to the location. There'll be a car for you at the airport, registered to Stephen Adams. Stone's already in the area handling vehicular surveillance. Nothing unusual so far."

"Stone? Agent Stone's on this, too?"

"Have you worked with her?"

"No, but...isn't she a bit of a loose cannon, sir?"

"She can be, but she's damn good at what she does. She can handle any motor vehicle and is our best at tailing targets. She'll be staying at a motel about a mile down the road. You and Mitchell will be in communication with her and can give her a heads up when Garcia's getting ready to leave the house."

"Right." Kendall had met Lucy once in passing; he'd found her to be rude and obnoxious, but stories of her motorcycle stunts were legendary. She'd never let a suspect escape.

Kendall stood up and gathered the folder in his arms.

"Above all, be careful, Knight. Carlos may be young, but he was raised by one of the most dangerous men in the world. And don't underestimate the bodyguard; we don't know anything about him or where he came from, so assume he's capable of anything."

"Understood. I won't let you down, sir."

"I'm counting on it."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I wasn't going to post more of this story until I was finished posting "A New Path" but two things got in the way of that—boredom and the need for motivation. I hadn't worked on this story in weeks and tried to get back into it today and found it difficult. The best motivation for me has always been feedback from others, so here we are. I also promised that all future chapters would be run by my editing buddy first, but because I decided to do this last-minute, that didn't happen with this. Again. I hope this chapter is still okay anyway.

Please let me know what you think, because I really need the push to keep going on this. Unless you hate it, then tell me that so I can just stop haha. Either way, thanks for reading!

* * *

Now Kendall could only hope that was true. It had taken two days to establish contact with Carlos, and that had been too brief.

 _Take the time you need_ , his mind whispered. _Don't rush this or you'll ruin it._

He knew that was true, and yet he was tired of taking it slow.

He pulled into the garage and used the remote to close the door, as was his habit to avoid suspicion when he might have to actually sneak something in. After hanging up his keys, he carried the plastic bag of food down the hall and peeked in.

Logan was riveted to something on the screen, kicking up Kendall's heartbeat so that he rushed to the desk. "What am I missing?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Carlos is out of the shower and Hot Guy is serving up dinner. They're talking about watching a movie. We're set for a few hours." He held out a hand for the bag. "Thanks, buddy."

A voice from behind had Kendall nearly jumping out of his skin. "Hope you bought enough for three."

He spun around with wide eyes to spy Stone approaching from the hallway. "What the hell are you doing here?! You're supposed to be ready to go at all times in case Carlos goes somewhere."

"Relax, they're in for the night." Lucy turned the second desk chair around so she could straddle it, then plucked a foam container out of Logan's hands and opened it. "Chips and guac, hell yeah."

"Lucy, are you insane? You might've been seen coming into the house! We can't—"

"I hopped the fence in the backyard. Nobody saw me. My bike's hidden in some hedges on the next street over if I need it in a hurry. Mitchell said you were getting tacos, so I invited myself for dinner." She dipped a chip into a smaller container and then raised it to her mouth with a hum of satisfaction. "This guac is incredible. Try it, Logan."

"Kendall, I asked for salsa."

"The guac is for me," Kendall replied. "Or at least it was supposed to be. There's salsa in the bag."

"Thanks."

Kendall watched them divvy up the food, finally shaking his head with a sigh. "Guess it's frozen lasagna for me."

Taking pity on him, Logan held out the bag. "Here, you can have one of my tacos. I don't really need three, not with all the chips."

"It's fine. This is probably better; cooking that will give me something to do and keep my mind occupied. I'm going crazy doing nothing."

Lucy snorted. "Yeah, how long does that take? Two seconds to pop it in the oven and you're right back to doing nothing for forty-five minutes. Not gonna work."

Kendall ignored her to reach in for a chip, surprised when she offered him the guac. "Thanks."

"No prob, I can share. Logan says the target called you cute."

"He has a name, you know. It's Carlos."

"Not the point. You made contact and it went well. Pat yourself on the back."

"Not yet. There's still a lot of work to do. This was just step one."

"Well, step one was a success. Want more chips?"

"Nah, I'm good with—" Kendall trailed off, his gaze caught on Logan wolfing down his taco while riveted to the screen again. When he noted the monitor showed nothing more than Carlos and James eating while watching a movie, he asked, "What are you doing?" It took one more try to get Logan's attention. "Logan?"

"Huh?"

"What are you doing?"

"Just eating. Watching them."

"You're glued to it like a hockey game."

"He's so hot. And _he's_ eating tacos, _I'm_ eating tacos...it's kind of like we're eating dinner together only...not."

While Lucy snorted again, Kendall closed his eyes and prayed for strength. "Why am I the only professional agent in this house?"

"Oh, come on." Lucy shoved Kendall's hip lightly. "Cut him some slack, he's usually the serious one. It's nice to see him loosen up for a change. They're not doing anything interesting anyway, it's not like we're missing something. And the guy _is_ hot. What have you found out about him?"

"Nothing," Kendall sighed. "Except that his name is James, he can cook, and he's there to protect the drugs and Carlos. In that order."

"Also that he's smart," Logan added. "He's already suspicious that Kendall might be an undercover agent."

"He said anyone could be," Kendall argued. "That wasn't necessarily aimed at me."

"Still, you were the topic of conversation. He doesn't want Carlos talking to anybody."

"Which is smart," Lucy nodded.

Logan agreed. "My point exactly. We need to figure out a way to get to Carlos without James being around, and that's going to be impossible because he never leaves the house."

"But Carlos does, right?" Lucy asked. "So maybe you two can accidentally meet up at the grocery store. It's not weird for you to shop where he does, it's the local supermarket."

Kendall replied, "I've considered that and might still do it. Not right now, though, it's too soon. But I've been thinking. Is it weird if I keep to myself, being new in the neighborhood? Or is that normal?"

Logan thought it over before answering. "I think since you're a writer who's here to get away from distractions, it's believable. But if nobody knows that about you—"

"Teresa does. I told her that today. It'll spread, because neighborhood gossip always does."

"Except that Carlos doesn't associate with the neighborhood," Lucy pointed out. "So that doesn't really help you, other than to blend in as a new resident."

"Better than nothing, I guess," Kendall shrugged. "I had another idea on the way home just now. What if some of his mail accidentally gets delivered to me and I take it over there? That's not suspicious, is it?"

"To James it would be," Logan stated. "That guy isn't gonna trust anything you say or do. You need to get Carlos alone."

"Which is impossible because James never leaves the house." They were back to that again. "What if we plan it when James is in the shower or something?"

"That could work," Logan mused. "He does take long showers sometimes. Nice, looooong showers. Lots of soap and hands rubbing all over that smooth skin."

"I'm gonna puke up my taco," Lucy complained. "Can you wait until after I eat to mentally masturbate?"

Kendall joined in. "And can you focus on something else while he's in the shower or does that render you completely brainless?"

"Uhh...honestly, it's hard to think while he's naked. I know that's unprofessional, but...I mean, look at him. He's like a god."

It wasn't James that Kendall's eyes went to, though. He watched Carlos laugh at something silly said in the movie they were watching, unaware that there was salsa dribbling down his chin because he was so engrossed. He'd donned sweats and an old t-shirt after his shower, and with his bare feet tucked under him and joy crossing his features as he ate with gusto while watching something that amused him, Kendall thought he resembled nothing so much as a big kid enjoying a night with a buddy, not a care in the world.

"Well, ladies, it's been real but I need to get back to my place. Here, Kendall, I saved you a taco." Lucy stood and passed over the bag. "Take Mitchell's extra and we all got an even share. You done whining now?"

"I wasn't whining," Kendall complained. "And I take offense to the 'ladies' comment."

"So you're _not_ into dudes? I thought you were supposed to fuck this guy for information."

"Can you just...us being into dudes, as you put it, doesn't make us any less male. Stop with the stereotyping."

"You know I love to mess with you. Well, considering this is our first time working together, you don't. But give it a few days, you'll know I don't mean any harm and I'd die to protect you guys. Call me if there's any activity I need to know about. Logan, let me know when they're in bed for the night so I can relax."

"Mm-hm." Focused on his food and James, Logan didn't spare her a glance. "Be careful out there."

"Always. Thanks for dinner, Knight."

Kendall considered reminding her that he hadn't had a choice in the matter, but decided to be a mature adult. "You're welcome. We'll be in touch." After she'd gone, he added, "I hope she isn't seen. That could blow it enough to get the neighbors wondering or calling the cops on her for hopping fences."

"She's careful," Logan promised. "Like a ninja. You didn't even know she was here until she said something."

"True."

"And she's really good at her job. Look, I know you think I'm being unprofessional, and I guess I am, but...I've just never seen anyone so beautiful. I don't know what it is about this guy or why I can't take my eyes off him, but I swear my head's in the right place. I won't jeopardize the mission over it, okay?"

Seeing that Logan was sincere, Kendall nodded. "Okay. It's just so important, we can't fuck this one up."

"I know." Logan held out his container. "Taco? Or are you gonna go heat up that lasagna?"

Kendall debated while staring down at the screen, watching Carlos wipe his mouth with a napkin before setting his empty plate on a coffee table and snuggling deeper into a corner of the couch. Without asking, James ripped a blanket from the back of the sofa and tossed it over Carlos, who smiled a thank you at him and then tucked it under his legs. He suddenly cracked up over something in the movie, even James breaking a smile, and Kendall took the chair Lucy had vacated. "I think I'm gonna sit here with you and do some research. The better we know our target, the faster I can come up with a plan to win him over." Kendall accepted the taco and moved the guac closer, then settled in to study his target for a few hours. Thanks to Logan's top-of-the-line equipment, they could hear everything clearly and even the movie was easy to pick up. He didn't admit it to himself, but after a few minutes it _did_ almost feel as if the four of them were watching the movie together.

* * *

When the movie ended, Carlos and James moved on to video games. Thirty minutes into that, Logan stood up and stretched, Kendall hearing joints pop as they were forced into movement after hours of not being used.

"You cool with taking the first shift tonight?" Logan asked.

"Yeah, I'm not tired at all." Each night they'd allow each other six hours of sleep while one stayed alert for any signs of suspicious activity from the house they were watching. "I downloaded a bunch of games onto my phone, so I'm set."

"Smart," Logan laughed. "I do that or read. Nothing so exciting as watching two men sleep, right?"

"I can think of better things to do with my time," Kendall agreed. "Where's my wireless?"

Logan passed the tiny earpiece over and waited for Kendall to insert it before moving to the door. He halted to ask, "Wake me up if he showers?"

Kendall's eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

Face flushing, Logan shook his head while staring at his feet. "You're right. I'm sorry. Forget I said that."

"I'm just...I would never have expected this from you."

"I know. It's dumb. I really am usually the serious one, Lucy wasn't lying about that. I think I'm acting so crazy because James is the kind of guy I always dreamed of in high school but could never get."

Kendall let his gaze drift to the monitor to get a better look at James. He supposed the man did have gorgeous eyes. He didn't seem to smile much but when he did, as he was now because he'd managed to best Carlos in a race, it changed his face. "But why not, Logan? You're a handsome guy, I'm sure it wasn't _that_ hard for you to find dates."

Logan's answer was a roll of his eyes and then, "Yeah, imagine this face with thick glasses, braces, and a truckload of acne. Nobody would come near me."

Studying Logan now, Kendall tried to see it. Logan currently wore his dark brown hair in a clean-cut manner that made Kendall wonder what it might look like after having fingers run through it. His eyes were the color of dark chocolate, lips not what one might call full but definitely kissable. "I'm not making a pass at you or anything, but your dimples would've been enough to get me talking to you in high school."

A tad embarrassed but also pleased, Logan bit his bottom lip with a chuckle. "Thanks. Too bad you weren't around then. What were you like in high school, Kendall?"

"Me? I was an athlete. Went out for every sport I could, and was decent at most."

"Really? How do you go from that to the FBI?"

This time it was Kendall who bit his lip, extremely hesitant to answer the question. He'd never told anyone the story, always dodged it when asked. Then again, it wasn't like they had anything better to do for the next...God, it could be months, couldn't it? The prospect was disheartening. "My family was killed when I was a senior."

Logan's breath stopped for a second before he returned to the desk as if it would help Kendall to have someone near. "Kendall, oh my god. I'm so sorry." He fell into the chair he'd vacated. "I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

Kendall shrugged, then said, "I'm not gonna say it's okay or no big deal, because it isn't okay. It's never gonna be okay. But that's why I decided to do this. It was my mom and sister, they were on the way home from one of my basketball games and they were killed in a head-on collision. Some asshole was out of his mind on coke and drove right into them."

Without asking if it was alright, Logan reached out to grip Kendall's hand. "So you wanted to stop people like that."

"Once I got over the pain and grief, yeah. Then I was just angry. I decided to be a cop and put people like that away, but I realized eventually that there are too many. No matter how many assholes you put away, there are always more to go out and do it all over again. And sometimes they're not bad people, they just made bad choices or are so addicted they can't help themselves. It didn't feel like enough to go after them."

"So you went to the source," Logan guessed.

"Yep. I decided the best way to stop the problem was to go to the source and put away the assholes that make the stuff and sell it. Obviously I can't get all of _them,_ either, but when you take down a guy like Luis Garcia, you're making a huge dent in it right there."

"Definitely. The guy's network is massive."

"Exactly. This is my first time working directly on a mission where I feel like I can make a difference. Usually I'm in the background interviewing witnesses or following up on leads."

"Yeah. I'm really sorry about your family, Kendall." Logan removed his hand from Kendall's to clasp his own together in his lap. "No dad in the picture?"

"No, he's been gone since I was a kid. No big loss there. And I know that nothing I do is going to bring them back. But imagine how many other families I can save by taking down guys like Garcia."

Logan nodded. "I get it. That's very noble. I like it," he grinned. "We'll get this guy."

"I hope so." Ready to switch gears and move on from the sadness pressing down on him, Kendall asked, "What about you? How did you end up in the Bureau?"

"Uh..." Logan was the hesitant one now, peaking Kendall's interest. He was about to encourage Logan to continue when the words tumbled out. "I hacked into them."

It took Kendall a second. _"Them?_ The FBI?"

After licking his lips, Logan used his teeth to bite into them again. His cheeks were red when he confirmed, "The FBI."

"What?! Why would you do that?"

"Honestly, to see if I could." Logan cleared his throat and tried for an embarrassed smile. "I was eighteen and did it just to see if it was possible. I didn't really think it would work, or I would've taken the time to develop a tool that would hide my computer's presence from their network."

"Holy shit, Logan!" Kendall exclaimed. "How are you not in jail right now?"

"I almost was," Logan smirked. "It was horrible. They raided my house, my mom was mortified. I was interrogated for hours and scared out of my mind. Because I was an adult, they wouldn't even let her sit in there with me. They wanted to know how I did it and when I told them, they left me alone in a cold, scary interrogation room for two hours. I almost shit myself twenty times thinking about the fact that I was going to spend my life in federal prison, at the very least. I half expected they'd find a way to kill me and make it look like an accident."

"They wouldn't do that, Logan."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't put it past them to do anything. But back then I was big on conspiracy theories and I thought I was dead."

Kendall was enthralled. "So what happened?"

"Well, two agents came back into the room and my worst nightmare came true. They'd found everything on my laptop. All of my secrets, all of my browser history, all of...everything I'd seen. It was nothing illegal, but it was definitely not...things I wanted anyone to know about me. Least of all, my mother."

Kendall's lips twisted into a smirk. "What sort of things did you have on there, Logan?"

"Nothing I'm comfortable sharing with anyone," Logan blushed. "Let's just say there's a side to me nobody knows about. So they told me I had two options. Either they put me in prison for hacking into their systems and show my mom everything they'd found on my laptop, or I go to work for them."

Kendall's jaw dropped. "Shut the fuck up."

Logan shook his head in amusement. "It wasn't a hard choice to make. That's how I started working for the FBI. They wanted my skills."

"Holy shit, dude!" A disbelieving laugh escaped. "That's insane!"

"I know! I still can't believe it sometimes." He let out a breath and added, "And nobody knows that stuff about me, so...can we not repeat it?"

"No, of course not! I don't talk about my background with anyone either. This stays between us."

"Deal." Logan stood up again. "So when I say things like 'Wake me up if he showers' please don't judge me too harshly. I don't dare look at certain things on my computer anymore, but...I'm not gonna pass up a chance to watch a gorgeous man shower in the line of duty."

"Understood," Kendall laughed. "I'll wake you for that."

"Thanks."

"Can I ask you something? Why is there a camera in the shower anyway? Is that standard procedure?"

"It is, believe it or not."

"Really? I mean, I get that illegal things probably happen in the bathroom a lot since it's a private place, but what the hell could go down in the shower?"

"Imagine you're a criminal," Logan explained. "And you think the feds might be watching. Would you think they'd put cameras in the bathroom?"

"It would cross my mind," Kendall admitted.

"Would you think they'd put cameras in the shower?"

"No. Absolutely not."

"There you have it," Logan grinned. "It's the one place a criminal is going to let his guard down and do something he—or she—wouldn't do anywhere else."

"Smart," Kendall nodded. "But how do they not even see the cameras in there? Or anywhere in the house? Someone as paranoid as James has probably already considered they're being watched."

"We're just that good." With a wink, Logan headed toward the door. "Night, Kendall. Come get me if anything exciting happens. And I don't just mean Hot Guy showering."

"Speaking of which..." A word from the ongoing noise in his ear had caught his attention. "Carlos is about to do that."

"Again? You should watch that. Get to know your target a little better." When Logan's smirk was met with exasperation, he added, "I mean, you'll probably end up in bed with him at some point, might be nice to know what to expect."

"Goodnight, Logan."

"Night, buddy. I'll be back in six hours."

"Got it."

Once left alone, Kendall turned his attention to the four monitors facing him. He clicked to make the one containing the bathroom cameras enlarge one partition so that the sight of Carlos entering the room filled the screen. It felt wrong to watch the man disrobe, tossing his clothes to the floor after turning on the water to let it heat up. When Kendall switched his focus to James, he saw that the bodyguard was making a last round of the doors and windows to ensure that everything was locked up tight. He peeked out through the curtains again, apparently satisfying himself that they were safe enough to sleep, and then went to his bedroom and stripped before climbing into bed.

"So Hot Guy sleeps nude," Kendall smirked to himself. "Logan would appreciate that. Then again, I'm sure he already knows."

Carlos took his time in the shower, seeming to enjoy the feel of the steaming water cascading over his back and neck. Kendall wondered if he had issues with them, maybe muscle problems. He recalled that his mother had once told him he had magic hands because he was so good at giving massages. That might be something he could use with Carlos in the future. If he could somehow get Carlos to agree to a massage, seduction would be easy.

Or so Kendall hoped.

How to even get to that point, though? They'd only spoken a handful of words so far, and Kendall was sick of waiting.

He let his eyes skim over the slim and compact body that nevertheless housed plenty of muscle. Kendall had been with two men in his life, and enjoyed the experience even though they'd never taken it to full-on sex. He'd done that with women, though, and it was okay. Something to satisfy him temporarily but eventually the hunger always came back because it never felt like enough. Was Logan right to enjoy the perks of this case? Would it be wrong of Kendall to use Carlos for his own needs in the line of duty?

He sensed that Carlos might be someone who could fall for him; or perhaps he was underestimating his target. He had to keep in mind who Carlos was and what he did with his life. Nothing about this man was naive.

That point was proven when Carlos' soap-slippery hand stroked between his hips a few times. Kendall inhaled sharply when Carlos gasped, his arousal growing in his hand. "Oh shit," Kendall whispered. He couldn't watch this. He couldn't.

Unsure what to do, Kendall bit his lip while his own breathing picked up and his heart pounded harder. Even if he walked away and used this time for a bathroom break, he'd still hear it through the wireless earpiece. He'd hear every sound from Carlos' mouth.

 _Not if you switch. Switch to James sleeping or something._

Before he could make a decision, Carlos made it for him.

"No," he said to the empty bathroom. "Not tonight. You've done enough fantasizing tonight. Get him out of your head, it's not going anywhere."

Kendall blinked a few times, wondering what that was about. He knew better than to think it might be about him, they'd only spoken for two minutes. It couldn't be about him.

Could it?

"Oh my god," Kendall breathed. "It's James. He's got a thing for James. Fuck. This changes everything."

Because now winning Carlos over would be twice as hard. This was a complication they didn't need.

Kendall was vaguely aware of Carlos rinsing off and stepping out of the shower to dry off and wrap a towel around his waist. He groaned at the realization that he had much more work ahead of him than he'd suspected.

"Now what do I do?"

* * *

Kendall was on his fourth try at a super hard level of Candy Crush when a rustling sound intruded on his anger toward stubborn chocolate pieces that kept coming back. He glanced at the monitors and saw James had sat up in bed and was now shoving the covers aside. Kendall's game was immediately forgotten.

"Well well well, what are you up to, Hot Guy?"

The cameras they'd had installed were equipped with night vision, so it wasn't difficult to watch James stand from the bed and exit the bedroom. Kendall made a note of the fact that he wasn't shy about walking around naked in the house, so most likely Carlos had seen him this way before. Did they have a history together? Was he more than just a bodyguard assigned to Carlos?

Expecting James to make a right into the bathroom, Kendall was surprised to see him pass that door and continue on to Carlos' room.

"Shit," Kendall muttered. There was no way he could compete with a guy who looked like that.

Instead of entering the room, though, James merely peeked in. Satisfied with whatever he saw (which Kendall could see from a different camera was Carlos sound asleep), James returned to his bedroom and closed the door.

So he'd been checking on Carlos. Worried about him.

Or perhaps more, since he hadn't closed the door the first time. He'd obviously wanted to be aware of anything out of the ordinary in the house.

This time James laid down in bed and didn't replace the covers, but instead took a deep breath while reaching down to take himself into his right hand.

"Oh shit. Shit, what is with these dudes?!" Kendall whispered. Was James really going to—

Yep. Kendall gasped when James started stroking in earnest, closing his eyes and sighing in contentment.

 _Logan. I can't watch this. Logan._

Just like that Kendall was up and running, the sounds of James' harsher breathing seeming deafening in his ear. He dug out the wireless just as he reached Logan's bed and shook him.

"Logan."

"Mmm?"

"Logan, you need to take over. Now."

Logan blinked a few times and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "What's wrong? Is something going on?"

"Yes. Go. Now."

Kendall's tone penetrating, Logan's eyes widened. "Is he showering?"

"Just go. I'll be...you know what? This is a perfect time for _me_ to shower. Just go!"

"Okay, okay!"

Kendall followed and stayed in the doorway long enough to see Logan take a look at the monitor before letting out a needy sound. "Oh my god," Logan murmured.

"I'll make sure to take at least fifteen minutes," Kendall promised, then disappeared. He had no idea what Logan might do, but thought he should be afforded the privacy to enjoy what he apparently denied himself these days.

It was twenty minutes later when Kendall peeked into the office, as they were calling it. Logan was staring at the screen with a soft look on his face, as if watching something sweet. "Hey."

Logan jumped and looked over. "Hey. Thanks. I know you think I'm weird but—"

"No. I get it. Was it...I mean, did he...?"

"Yeah. I've never seen anyone so beautiful. He's sleeping now. Got up and opened the door when he was done and...yeah. Sleeping like a baby now."

Kendall nodded slowly, unsure how to proceed.

"I didn't, if that's what you're thinking. I just watched. Didn't...you know. Participate."

"I'm not gonna judge you if you did. Want me to take over again?"

Logan thought about it, then shook his head. "I'm awake now. Is it weird that I like to watch him sleep? It's creepy, right?"

"I...am not one to say what's weird and what's not. There's nothing wrong with enjoying beauty."

"Well. At least it's my job and I can use that as my excuse. Actually...would you mind if I shower now? I'll take over right after, I promise."

"Whatever you want. Are you hungry? I can heat up that lasagna."

"Nah, let's save that for dinner tomorrow."

"Or breakfast, since we're almost out of food. They didn't stock the house for more than a couple of days. I'll go out tomorrow and pick up some groceries."

"Maybe you'll run into someone at the store," Logan hinted. "We can make that work."

"It's not a bad idea," Kendall agreed. "We need to talk, though. There might be a complication."

"What kind of complication?"

"I think Carlos is in love with James."

The news rendered Logan silent.

"Which would of course make my job twice as hard."

"Yeah. I can see why it would."

"Have you picked up any signs of that while watching?"

"No, not really. They seem more like brothers. Did something happen earlier?"

"Carlos...he was talking to himself in the shower. Started to...you know. Like James."

"Oh! So you got a show?"

"No, because he stopped himself. Said something about how he'd been fantasizing all night and needed to stop because it wasn't going anywhere. Obviously he was thinking about someone in particular."

"Possibly you, though," Logan pointed out.

"I don't think so. We barely spoke."

"He did say you're cute."

Kendall shrugged, conceding that. "I guess. It just doesn't feel like me."

"What exactly was your conversation with him? You never told me."

"I let him catch me staring at him and then complimented his shoes. And his car. And asked his name. He was flirty at the end."

"Might be you, then. Wasn't it in his file that he's dated guys that look like you?"

"I don't know how much dating was involved. Might've just been hook-ups."

"Yet he said earlier he wasn't into hookers. Either way, the point is he likes your type."

"I guess," Kendall said again.

"Well, we'll watch for hints. We also need to come up with another way to establish contact."

"Yeah. With James always around, it's going to be difficult."

"We'll figure something out. I'll be back in about ten minutes. There are still some of my chips from earlier if you're hungry."

"I'm good. Thanks."

Once Logan was gone, Kendall replaced the wireless and settled in to play more Candy Crush. This time that chocolate was going down.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

As usual, I hadn't planned to post this tonight. After the day I've had, though, I needed a distraction so this works.

My only fear in this chapter is that the conversation might get a little confusing when Logan is talking into Kendall's ear at the same time he's conversing with other people (this will make sense once you get to that part of the chapter). My beta told me she had no problem understanding who was talking when, so hopefully nobody else will, either! Speaking of which, my beta is awesome and I love her and did I send this to her for editing before posting? No, because I never planned to post it now. I really need to stop doing that.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Hope you enjoy this! Thanks for reading.

* * *

The remainder of the night passed uneventfully. Logan took the first shift of surveillance, waking Kendall halfway through the night with the news that there was nothing to report; Carlos and James had done nothing more exciting than sleep.

Knowing from their previous two days that James tended to wake up around eight, Kendall put on a pot of coffee and carried a mug in to Logan around 7:45. "Morning, partner."

Logan stirred before burying his head under the comforter. "Noooooo, I swear I just closed my eyes five minutes ago."

"Sorry. But I brought you coffee!"

"That's something, I guess. What more can you tempt me with?"

"Hot Guy should be waking up soon. And he showers in the morning, right?"

That got Logan throwing the covers aside and sitting up. "Good enough for me." He reached for the coffee with a smile. "Thanks."

"I was thinking more about my idea while I was sitting there trying to get Mario through the desert."

"Mario? So you're a Nintendo kind of guy?"

"Well, it's on my phone now, but yeah. Meet me in the office when you're ready and we'll talk it out. I want your input."

"Give me fifteen minutes to wake up and get dressed."

"You got it."

* * *

"Your boy's up," was Kendall's greeting when Logan sank into the chair next to him and slurped from his mug.

"I see that. How does he look so good first thing in the morning?"

"I'm sure he'd disagree and say he looks like shit."

"I don't even think that's possible. Damn, he's already dressed."

Kendall chuckled. "Sorry."

"And I see Carlos is still asleep. I swear that guy sleeps like a rock."

"I noticed that. Hardly moves during the night. Does that mean he isn't really worried about anything?"

Logan shrugged. "I think James does the worrying for both of them. See, he hasn't even started breakfast and he's already peeking out all the curtains to make sure nothing suspicious is going on. He's definitely your biggest obstacle with Carlos."

"Yeah," Kendall sighed. "So here's what I think might work for the next step. You know how we talked about his mail accidentally being delivered to us?"

"Yeah?"

"I still think that's our best bet. We can definitely time it when James is in the shower, it'll just have to be early and Carlos will have to be awake."

"James has showered after breakfast the past two days, so that shouldn't be a problem."

"Right," Kendall agreed. "The only problem I can see with the plan is actually stealing his mail in the first place. I mean, if we time it right, I can do it while James is in the bathroom or cooking or something, but what if the neighbors see? There's no way I can explain that."

Logan favored Kendall with an indulgent smile. "You do realize we work for the Bureau, right?"

"Well yes, but that doesn't make it above the law to steal mail. And it could ruin our cover if I'm seen by someone."

"Kendall. We're the FBI. We can divert his mail at the source."

"What?"

"Think about it. We just direct the local post office to 'make a mistake.' The carrier places his mail in our box. Problem solved."

Kendall blinked at the simplicity of it. "Can we really do that?"

"One thing I've learned is that we can pretty much do anything. It's not always ethical, but it gets the job done."

"Okay then. I'll get on the phone with the director and make it happen. Do you think today is too soon?"

"Probably not, but James will have showered already by the time it gets here. So you'll have to wait for tomorrow to put the plan into action. Oh my god, look. James is so cute when he wakes Carlos up. Sits on his bed and everything."

"Hey, I brought you coffee."

"Which I really appreciate. It's just cuter when he does it. No offense."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "You are so obsessed with this guy."

"It's not obsession! He's just...really gorgeous."

"Whatever you say. I'm gonna go make a phone call. See what you can pick up from them about Carlos' plans today."

Kendall was pleasantly surprised to find that the director didn't even hesitate when the idea was put to him. He promised they'd find a way to get something more than junk mail into Kendall's mailbox. When Kendall returned to Logan, he asked, "Anything new?"

"James is making pancakes. He is totally husband material."

"Also a drug dealer."

"We can't all be perfect. But a trip to the grocery store might be happening today. I heard James tell Carlos they needed more butter because he used it all up on the popcorn. He said something about Carlos drinking most of the milk, too."

Kendall smiled. "He does drink a lot of milk. Can you text Stone to be ready for a possible—" He halted at James' next words.

"I think we should just order groceries to be delivered. It makes me nervous every time you leave the house."

"Well, shit," Kendall muttered. "This guy is ruining everything."

"Which makes me think that instead of trying to do everything behind his back, you need to gain his trust."

"How am I supposed to do that? He trusts no one."

"I don't know. I just think that's the key to getting to Carlos. Through the bodyguard. Otherwise he's going to keep getting in the way."

Kendall considered that and knew Logan was right. The man was going to be their downfall. "What if I deliver the mail while he's around? He'll probably answer the door then, right?"

"I'm positive," Logan nodded. "If he even answers at all."

"Why is this so hard? I just need five minutes alone with Carlos."

Referring to the conversation happening in a kitchen two doors down, Logan gestured toward the screen and said, "And Carlos just lost that argument. They're ordering groceries."

"Fuck."

"I'm still going to the gym," Carlos was saying now. He sat down at the kitchen table and reached for the glass of milk James had put before him. "You can't keep me from doing that. It's the only thing that keeps me from going insane."

"Carlos, it's dangerous to—"

"I know, okay? But you won't let me run in the neighborhood, and I need to do something. Please, James, just let me go to the gym and beat up a punching bag for an hour. It's either that or your face."

James gave Carlos an "oh please" look. "You wouldn't punch me. You love me."

"Love hurts, bro."

They both laughed then, the tense mood dissipating. "Fine," James conceded. "Go to the gym. But just there and nowhere else. And don't talk to any neighbors along the way."

"Not even the cutie down the street?" Carlos smirked.

" _Especially_ not him. The last thing we need is you getting involved with someone."

Carlos sighed over his pancakes. "He has the nicest green eyes, though."

"How could you tell that from two houses away?"

"Trust me. I noticed everything."

"Even more reason to stay away. He's off limits, Carlos. Do you understand?" When silence was the response, James' tone grew more stern. "Carlos. I'm serious. Please, I'm just trying to keep you alive."

"I know. I get it."

"Okay. I'm sorry it has to be this way."

"I know," Carlos repeated. "It just sucks."

James nodded. "Want more syrup?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

Logan lifted an eyebrow at Kendall. "Definitely you he was fantasizing about."

Kendall swallowed hard. "So I just need to get past the bodyguard and I'm good."

"Sounds like it."

"Okay then. Next step is to win over Hot Guy. Now how in the hell do I do that?"

For that, Logan had no answer.

* * *

In order to not seem too eager, Kendall waited a good thirty minutes after the mail had been delivered to get it. Carlos had already gone to the gym and returned home, and now he and James were in a cut-throat battle to kill each other in some violent video game Kendall had never seen before. Knowing that she would most likely be stuck in her boring motel room for the rest of the day, Stone had crashed the party and was currently perched on the edge of Kendall's desk chair to watch the action. Kendall had used the time Carlos was absent to do some grocery shopping for their house while James took care of the same on his end. As they'd expected, it was James who'd handled greeting the delivery driver while Carlos stayed hidden away in a back room.

"Okay, I'm gonna go get the mail. Should I bring it in and look through it, or would it be best to go straight over there once I take it out?"

"Makes more sense to deliver it right away," Logan replied. "I mean, the normal thing people do is check through the mail as they walk back to the house, right? So you'd notice it then and think to yourself 'Oh, this isn't for me. I should go give it to my neighbor.' And you'd see his car in the driveway and know he's home, so..."

"Yeah," Kendall nodded. "That does make sense."

"Take your wireless. I have it connected to me right now, so you'll hear my voice. Just don't talk back because it'll look like you're talking to yourself."

Lucy snorted in amusement. "Might intrigue him more if you're a little weird. You guys making me lunch, or what?"

"I think the mission takes precedence over your stomach," Kendall said in exasperation. "Didn't you eat breakfast?"

"Yeah, but that was hours ago. Oh damn! Hot Guy is _good_. You'd better hope he's not that skilled in person. Or that accurate with a knife."

"Speaking of which," Logan inserted, "Are you going in armed? I don't know how this guy will react to you showing up on his doorstep."

"Carlos won't let him hurt me."

Logan argued, "Carlos will most likely be shuffled off to the basement."

"Right. Fine. I guess I'll take my piece. Not easy to hide it without a blazer, though. And that would look strange."

"Just throw on one of your ratty old flannel shirts," Lucy suggested. When Kendall looked at her in surprise, she added, "I've seen you plenty of times around the office when you're just doing follow-up work. I know that's how you normally dress."

"You don't have to say it like I should be embarrassed about it. We can't all be fashion icons of the underground badass world like you are."

Glancing down at her outfit of all black encased in leather, Lucy smiled. "I'll take that as a compliment. Seriously, though. Just wear a flannel over the tee. Why am I having to tell you this? You've been with the Bureau long enough that this should be routine for you by now."

Perhaps feeling sorry for the way Lucy badgered Kendall, Logan stated, "This is his first direct mission, Lucy. Don't be so hard on him. He's trying to do things right so that it won't be his last."

"Just trust your instincts more," Lucy suggested. "Trust yourself. Don't be so scared of fucking up all the time or you'll be too worried about that to be an effective agent."

"I got this handled," Kendall scowled. "Flannel it is. But what if he's looking for it? I'm telling you, this guy is paranoid. And rightfully so. An agent is watching his every move and about to knock on his front door. He has every right to be paranoid."

Logan studied Kendall. "What do your instincts tell you?"

After a glance at Lucy, who waited for his answer with her arms crossed over her chest, he replied, "To go in unarmed. I think the guy's more apt to fight me verbally than physically because he won't want to draw attention to the house. If he gets spooked after my visit, he'll just pack Carlos up and leave."

"And if he tries to do that?" Logan wanted to know.

"We'll let the director decide our next move."

Lucy nodded in approval. "See? You trusted your instincts and you already seem more confident. Do what feels right."

Begrudgingly, Kendall thanked her. He got his wireless earpiece in and cleared his throat, rubbing a hand over the scruff he was allowing to flourish. He'd decided that it fit a writer who was trying to escape from the world to immerse himself in a novel.

"I'll be with you every second," Logan reminded him. "Just say the word and we'll be there."

"I got your back," Lucy agreed. "If anything goes wrong, I'll knock him on his ass. Just say the word. We're right here."

Feeling better about it, Kendall took a deep, bracing breath. "Okay. I'm just gonna wing it. Say what feels like a normal neighbor would say."

With that, Kendall headed down the hall and toward the front door. "Are they still playing the game?"

"Yeah." Logan's voice was clear in his ear. "Totally engrossed."

"Let me know if that changes before I get there."

It took less than a minute for Kendall to stroll out to the mailbox. From the corner, Teresa waved at him and he smiled back with an answering wave to her and Rocket. He hoped she'd stay away, though.

Luckily, Rocket chose that moment to drop a bomb on the grass, distracting his owner. Kendall reached into his box and pulled out two pieces of mail. One was addressed to "Resident" and the other to...

"Michael Dixon," he said under his breath.

"Michael?" Logan echoed. "It's addressed to Michael Dixon? Who the hell is that?"

Kendall knew better than to answer the question in case someone else was watching. It was from the city's electric company, though, so it was either a former resident or a pseudonym one of them was using. He frowned as if he hadn't expected to obtain someone else's mail, then looked closer at the address before glancing around at the house numbers to "find" the correct one.

"They're still playing," Logan shared. "Go for it."

Knowing Lucy and Kendall were watching his every move, Kendall set his feet on the path to the house where Carlos lived. This time Rocket noticed him and tried to pull Teresa down the sidewalk. Kendall forced himself to stop and wait, annoyed that he was wasting time, but it would seem rude to ignore her.

"Why are you stopping?" Logan wanted to know. "What are you..." The dog must have come into the picture then because Logan sighed. "Really? She has to do this now?"

The dog barked in excitement, Kendall managing a laugh. He was now in front of Carlos' house again. "Hey buddy."

"I'm sorry, he just gets so excited to greet people," Teresa smiled.

In his ear, Logan warned, "The dog alerted them. James is getting up to look out the window."

 _Fuck._

"It's fine," was what Kendall said out loud before reaching down to pet the soft fur. "You just like making friends, don't you? Too bad I don't have a pet for you to play with!"

"He's telling Carlos to go hide. Carlos is arguing with him that he's overreacting."

"That's okay," Teresa was saying. "He likes human friends just as much. How was your lasagna?"

"James is yelling at Carlos now. Carlos thinks it might be you out there and wants to go look."

"The truth is I went out for tacos instead." Kendall hung his head as if ashamed. "I know how lazy that is, but I just didn't feel like eating it then."

Teresa laughed. "Maybe tonight."

"Yeah, I think I'll just eat it tonight. Well, Rocket, it's always a pleasure. I need to get this mail to its rightful owner. Got delivered to me by mistake."

"Oh, that happens all the time." She looked down at the address. "Michael Dixon. So that's his name."

"You haven't met him yet?"

"No, he just moved in a few weeks back. There are two of them, I think, but I only ever see the one. Nice young man."

"Seems to be. I met him yesterday briefly."

"Yeah, they keep to themselves. Well, we'll be seeing you, Stephen. Let me know if you ever need anything, I'm right on the corner."

"Thanks so much, Teresa. I appreciate that."

Logan hissed, "Will you wrap it up already? James is watching you through the curtains. He sent Carlos to hide until you leave."

"Have a good night!"

"You, too." Kendall watched with relief as she dragged Rocket away. He turned as if to head back to his own house but then pretended to suddenly remember the letter in his hand and reversed his direction to head up the front walk, heart pounding.

"James is panicking. He's livid right now. Be careful, Kendall."

As if he had every right to be there, Kendall pressed the round button to ring a bell alerting them to his presence. After a full thirty seconds of no response, he muttered while barely moving his lips, "What's happening?"

"James is hoping you leave. Carlos came out and James shooed him back to the room. Try again."

Kendall looked to his left at the car parked in the driveway and frowned, then rang the bell one more time.

"He's pissed again. Knows he can't ignore you forever. Okay, he's heading for the door. You got this!"

A second later the painted white front door opened, giving Kendall his first real look at the bodyguard's face. His eyes were more green than brown at the moment and his politely confused smile the kind that would have most women falling at his feet. "Can I help you?"

"Hi, sorry to bother you, but it looks like I got your mail by mistake." Kendall passed over the envelope, watching closely as James skimmed the address.

"Oh." He visibly relaxed. "Thanks."

"Yeah, wouldn't want you to miss your power bill and have to eat in the dark," Kendall joked, trying for a grin.

James forced himself to give a half-smile. "Right? Thanks a lot."

"Carlos is sneaking out there," Logan informed Kendall. "He's trying to get a look at you. Oh my god, Kendall, he's adorable. He wants to talk to you so badly."

"No problem," Kendall replied, knowing it would be best to leave before he pushed it. He took a step back and said, "Nice to meet you. Michael, right?" When James' gaze narrowed, he added, "That's who it's addressed to. I know you're not Carlos, I met him yesterday, so..."

"Ah. Yeah, I'm Michael." Perhaps because it would seem rude not to, James held out his hand. "Nice to meet you, too."

"Steve." After shaking and then dropping his hand, Kendall lifted his own in a wave. "Say hi to Carlos for me."

"Sure thing," James nodded. "Thanks again."

"Anytime."

Kendall made his escape, forcing himself to not rush but to stroll as he naturally would. Logan's voice came to life.

"The door is closed and James is going over to the window to watch you. Carlos is with him this time. Wants to know if you said anything about him." There was a pause until Kendall was turning up his own walk. "They're arguing again. Get inside, this one's gonna be intense."

The second Kendall was closed in the house, he ran down the hall and pulled out his earpiece to the sound of James yelling, "How many times do I have to tell you it's not gonna happen?"

"What's the harm in saying hi to someone?" Carlos countered.

Lucy and Logan were glued to the screen, where James and Carlos stood facing each other angrily in their kitchen.

"He knows your fucking name!" James roared. "Were you stupid enough to tell him that?!"

"It slipped out! He asked and I just...I said it without thinking! He caught me off guard, okay?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Carlos, I can't keep you safe if you don't work with me!"

"I just wanted to say hi!"

"You did that! Yesterday! That's as far as it goes!"

"Come on, James, does he really seem dangerous to you?"

" _Everyone_ seems dangerous to me! I don't understand why you can't get that through your head!"

"Because I know people! I got a good vibe from him, I've seen him around the neighborhood and he just seems...normal, you know?"

"He moved in two days ago, you can't possibly know him."

"Three days ago now."

"You're not hearing me."

"I am, and all I'm saying is it doesn't hurt for a cute neighbor to wave at me once in awhile. I don't get much joy in life, James, let me have five seconds to smile at a gorgeous guy."

"Carlos..."

The fight was going out of James. Carlos sensed it and pushed on. "Did he say anything about me?"

James grudgingly admitted, "He told me to say hi to you."

Carlos' face lit up. "He did?! So he remembers me?!"

"You just met him yesterday, it's not like he's gonna forget you already."

"Still. I wish you would've let me answer the door."

"No, because you would've invited him in without hesitation."

"I'm not that stupid, James. But I might've gotten a little harmless flirting in."

James shook his head. "I still don't trust him. How did he get our mail anyway?"

"Obviously it was a mistake. He can't make that up, you know."

"Sure he can. Might've snagged it out of our box while we weren't watching."

"You are so paranoid, dude! I mean, think about it. His address ends in five, ours in nine. It's an easy mistake for a mailman to make! Probably happens all the time."

"Well, it's not happening again. I'm sorry you didn't get to see him but honestly, bro, it's for the best. Do you really want to get him mixed up in your shit anyway?"

"No," Carlos sighed. "He doesn't deserve that. But...I mean, saying hi to him could just be a bright spot in my day. It doesn't have to go any further than that."

"If I believed you'd be satisfied with that, I'd allow it."

Carlos didn't reply or give an indication either way.

"I know you too well. It's the reason I was given this job in the first place, because your uncle knows nobody can read your mind like I can."

"Whatever. I can still kick your ass in the ring."

"Virtually. We both know in an actual ring, I'd knock you flat."

"Sticks and stones, James..."

"Enough. Prove it by continuing the game with me."

"Fine. You're doing down."

"I'd like to see you try."

The three waited for James and Carlos to settle back into their video battle before turning their attention from the screen. "Wow," Logan breathed.

"Wow," Kendall echoed.

"When's lunch?" Lucy wanted to know.

"I swear to God, Lucy," Kendall said through clenched teeth.

"Well, we might as well eat. They're not doing anything exciting."

Logan ignored her. "They do have a history," he tossed out.

"Definitely. We don't know how, but it's obvious they know each other well."

"So then why wasn't there anything in the file about him? Why didn't we know his name?"

"I don't know," Kendall answered. "I gave it to the director yesterday and he said they'd do some digging but I haven't heard anything back about it. He told me even our guys on the inside don't know anything about James. The guy's a mystery."

"Well, Carlos certainly knows him."

"And knows how to get his way with James. I mean, James fights him, but you saw that, right? James backed down. He seems to actually care about Carlos."

"Like a brother or something," Logan nodded. "And he talked like he knows Carlos. Didn't he say that? 'I know you better than anyone else?'"

"He did. I'm satisfied there's nothing romantic between them, at least. I was really worried about that."

Lucy piped up with, "I could've told you that."

"How?" Logan wondered. "You've hardly seen them together."

"Doesn't take long to see something when it's there. Or not see it when it isn't. I can usually tell within thirty seconds if people are banging. Or wish they were."

"Whatever," Kendall muttered. "So overall, that feels like a failure. Like I got nowhere."

"How can you say that?" Logan argued. "You talked to James."

"But the goal was to get closer to winning him over. He's still just as suspicious. And I didn't even get to see Carlos."

"Still, it's something. He seemed to relax a little when he realized why you were there."

"I know, but...now I'm right back where I was. I have no idea how to proceed from this point."

"Maybe you can be outside tomorrow when he goes to the gym."

"Maybe," Kendall sighed. "I guess it's my best shot at this point."

Lucy clapped her hands together. "Well, now that that's settled, what's for lunch?"

Kendall closed his eyes and prayed for patience. "Lasagna. The frozen kind."

"Oh come on, you're not gonna make me eat that crap."

"You eat here, you eat what I cook. If you don't like it, you know where the door is."

"You don't have to be rude about it." Lucy stood up and stretched. "I'm gonna go nap. Wake me up when it's ready."

Kendall waited until she was out of the room to speak again. "How do you work with her?"

"You get used to her," Logan smiled. "She's a pain, but she's good—"

"At what she does, right. That doesn't make it okay to behave like a child."

"She's an adult when it matters most, I guess."

They were distracted by James asking what Carlos wanted for lunch, attention drawn to the screen.

"What are my choices?"

"Anything but hot dogs," was James' reply.

"But I love hot dogs!"

"We just had them last week."

"So? Once a week isn't too much to ask."

"Dude, I'm trying to stay in shape here. It's hard when all you want to eat is junk food and processed crap like hot dogs and mac and cheese."

"Nobody's forcing you to eat what I eat."

"I'm the one cooking, and I'm not going to cook two meals. Besides, our money supply isn't endless, you know."

"Might as well be. Uncle Luis will just send more when we need it."

"I thought you didn't want to be dependent on him. Wanted your own life."

Kendall met Logan's gaze. That was news to them.

"I do, but it's not like I can get that anytime soon. If we can't have hot dogs, can we order pizza?"

"No, Carlos, we don't need anyone else coming to the door today. Two people is enough."

"The grocery guy doesn't count. Chicken nuggets?"

James shrugged in resignation. "At least that's easy. I suppose you want fries with it."

"I'd love that."

When James stood up and tossed his controller onto the coffee table, Carlos reached up to grab his hand. "Hey. I know I'm a pain in the ass, and I never say it, but...thanks."

"For what?"

"For taking care of me. Keeping me safe."

James squeezed Carlos' hand while a wan smile stretched his lips. "Somebody has to."

Carlos nodded. "I'm glad it's you and not one of the assholes my uncle usually has working for him. Thanks for caring."

"I do, you know. That's why I get so mad when you fight me on everything. Because I _do_ care and I _do_ worry."

"I know. I couldn't ask for a better friend."

"I'm glad you realize that." After one more quick squeeze, James dropped Carlos' hand. "Check in with your uncle. He texted me earlier asking about you. He's worried."

"Okay."

Carlos waited until James had left the living room to drag his phone out. Kendall sat down in the chair and scooted it closer as if that would help him hear better. This was something they needed to hear. "We can't hack into his phone and listen, right?"

"We can hack in and read his texts but not hear the other side of conversations," Logan confirmed. "We haven't found anything suspicious since he moved in there, they seem to handle all arrangements over the phone."

"I'm fine," Carlos was saying now. "Nothing exciting going on." Pause. "Yeah, he's taking good care of me. Worries too much, but I'm sure you think that's a good thing." Carlos laughed at whatever his uncle had to say next. "I know. How much longer do you think I have to stay here? I feel like I'm just wasting my life away in hiding. No, _tio_ , I get it, but...yeah." The last word was dejected, as if Carlos was discouraged by the answer. "I know. He's cooking lunch. I'll have him call you later. Nah, nothing really. New neighbor down the street but he's harmless. Oh, tonight? What time? Okay, we'll be ready. We need it to look like he's just a friend visiting so have him come to the door and then I can tell him to pull into the garage. Yeah, we'll load it up. Okay. Love you too, _tio_. Bye." When Carlos hung up, he yelled out, "Javier's coming by tonight to pick up a shipment!"

James' head of brown hair appeared from the dining room. "What time?"

"Around eight. It'll be dark then but not so late it seems weird that a friend is coming to visit. I'm gonna have him park in the garage."

"Okay. But see, Carlos, this is why I think it's dangerous to have anyone interested in you. What if your blond cutie sees him coming over and asks about him?"

"Oh my god, James, he's not gonna ask about him! I never even talk to the guy, why would he?"

"I'm just saying. If he develops some kind of crush on you, he might wonder if Javier is someone he needs to worry about. Get it?"

"You're completely overreacting again."

"Maybe. But I'd rather do that than take a chance of putting you in danger."

"Whatever. Are my nuggets done?"

"They're still in the oven. And the fries are...well, frying. It'll be a while."

"Okay." Carlos stretched out on the sofa and buried a pillow under his head. "If I fall asleep, wake me up."

"Yeah, yeah."

James exited the room and Logan turned to Kendall. "So we've got some illegal activity going on tonight."

"Yep. I'll let the director know, though he'll probably say to just keep our eyes and ears open in hopes we learn something about the main location. Unless you can come up with something better, I'll go with the 'try to be outside when Carlos leaves for the gym' idea tomorrow. Which...really is a poor plan. There has to be a way to speed this whole thing up."

"You know we can't. You have to take it at the right pace, James is already suspicious."

"I know. I just hate the waiting."

Logan nodded. "Why don't you go out and make lunch? It'll give you something to do."

"I guess. Thanks, Logan. I'm sorry that you have to spend all your time in this room."

"It's the job I signed up for," Logan shrugged. "Or...was forced into. Could be a lot worse. At least I get to watch this guy move around a kitchen like he was born to do it. How is he sexy even when he cooks?"

Kendall chuckled and squeezed Logan's shoulder before standing. "I think that has more to do with your perception than his actions."

"Come on, you can't tell me he isn't gorgeous."

"Oh, he is," Kendall agreed. "He's got intense eyes. When he looks at you, you feel like he's seeing right through you."

"Stop, I'm so jealous."

"I'm sorry. Want salad with the lasagna?"

"Sure. Did you pick up any garlic bread, by chance?"

"I did. Should all be ready in about forty-five minutes. And I'll bring you another cup of coffee in a minute."

"Perfect. You're the best, man."

Kendall smiled. "It's the least I can do."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Well, here we have another unplanned chapter. I thought about posting the final chapter of "A New Path" instead but decided against it for two reasons—one, I'm not ready to for it to be over yet, and two, I want to make sure it gets to my wonderful beta first because she was with me from the start of that story over a year ago, when I was positive I would never actually post it. She keeps me going and reads all of my words (even the ones nobody else ever sees) and makes them better. If you're reading this now, you know who you are and I love you.

So instead you get this, because I was looking for reasons to avoid chores and wanted to post SOMETHING. Hope you like this, and let me know what you think! Thanks so much to those reading. :)

* * *

The rest of the afternoon seemed to inch by. Lucy insisted on hanging around after lunch because "What else is there to do?" When Kendall's answer was "Anything other than annoy me," she offered him a sweet smile and puckered her lips into a kiss for him. After devouring two plates of chicken nuggets and fries, Carlos lost himself in a movie while James cleaned up the kitchen.

"Something's up with him," Logan murmured at one point. "He's too quiet."

"Is he really that much of a talker anyway?" Kendall pointed out.

"No, but...I don't know. I sense it. He's got a lot on his mind and it's weighing him down. He wouldn't double-cross Carlos, would he? Like this whole thing tonight is a set-up to take out Carlos?"

Lucy shook her head. "No way. He genuinely cares about Carlos."

"Yeah, but if he's being paid to take him out, of course he's not gonna act like he is. He'll act like he cares."

Kendall agreed with Lucy. "His uncle wouldn't set him up with someone who would kill him. Luis trusts James or he wouldn't be there."

"Unless Luis isn't in on the plan," Logan suggested. "James might be getting paid from somewhere else."

That was a possibility to keep in the back of his mind. Still, Kendall said, "I feel like James does care. I think his priority is keeping Carlos safe. That's probably why he's tense, because for all he knows, this guy Javier _is_ coming to take Carlos out."

"Why would Luis send someone in there to kill his son, who from all our knowledge is the man's prized possession?"

"I'm just saying that shit happens in the narcotics world. Look at Carlos' family, his parents and his sister were taken out. James is smart to be suspicious of everyone."

They were all surprised to hear Carlos voice Logan's concern over dinner. After biting into a burger that looked good enough to have Lucy drooling, Carlos asked, "What's going on?"

"What?" James looked up from the table, where his gaze had been for half the meal.

"You're quiet. Are you worried about tonight?"

"A little," James admitted. "I've never liked Javier."

"I know, but you don't usually get so tense over our people coming."

"Well, part of it is that I'm worried this new neighbor is too curious about you. Good ole Steve."

"So what if he is? Javier's just gonna look like a friend coming over."

"I know, I just..."

James shook his head and trailed off, prompting Carlos to set his burger down and stare hard across the table. "Talk to me. What are you so upset about?"

James chewed on a potato chip before answering, and when he did it was so soft they had to strain to hear him. "I miss her."

Carlos' face fell. "I know. I'm sorry you have to be here with me instead."

"We both know I couldn't be with her anyway, so don't blame yourself."

"Being here isn't helping your case, though."

"It doesn't matter. I just have to accept the fact that I'm never going to see her again."

"James, come on, you don't—"

"Yes, Carlos, I do." James' voice had gone harsh, rendering Carlos silent. "I'm never going to see her again. And it's fine, it's for the best, I just...fuck!"

That exclamation was followed by James angrily rising from his chair and storming out of the kitchen, where they watched him on another feed as he slammed the door to his bedroom and wiped at his eyes. In the kitchen, Carlos rested his forehead on his hand and then seemed to debate whether to follow James or not. In the end, he gave James the space he needed and continued to eat dinner while James threw himself onto a bed and cried into a pillow.

"Hot Guy does have feelings," Lucy murmured.

Kendall glanced over at Logan, whose face showed that he was upset by the fact that James was suffering. "Sorry, Logan," he said softly. "Looks like he's got a girl."

Logan nodded slowly. "It's not like I was ever gonna date him anyway. I just hate to see him so sad. He's in there all alone and crying and I wish..."

"I know. But you can't."

"Yeah." Now it was Logan standing and leaving the room. They heard the bathroom door close and Lucy looked up at Kendall from her chair.

"This is why you don't get emotionally attached to your targets. Never would've expected that from Mitchell, though."

Kendall sighed and sank down to the newly-emptied chair. "I'm a little surprised. I had James pegged as gay."

"Probably bats for both teams."

"Maybe. Well, looks like this is what we're stuck with until Javier shows up, so—"

Just then Carlos stood from the table and headed down the hall. Kendall perked up and yelled for Logan, who arrived in time to see that James was currently ignoring Carlos' knock on the bedroom door.

"Dude, talk to me," Carlos urged. "I'm here for you."

"Not right now. Go away."

"James...come on, man. Don't shut me out like this. We're all we have."

"Go away, Carlos!"

"Fine." Carlos pressed his hand to the door. "I'm here when you're ready to talk."

James said nothing to that, only rolled over onto his side and away from the door. Carlos returned to the kitchen and started cleaning up their meal, putting away James' unfinished plate for later.

"Still think he'd double-cross Carlos?" Lucy asked Logan.

"No," Logan replied quietly. "He's dealing with enough hell on his own."

Lucy left shortly after that when it looked as if James might stay in his room all night. Carlos had returned to the movie, occasionally checking his phone for the time.

"Is James really gonna let Carlos handle Javier on his own?" Logan wondered.

"I don't think so. He worries too much about him."

Sure enough, James emerged from the bedroom about fifteen minutes before Javier was due to show up. His eyes were red and puffy and he stepped up to the back of the sofa to squeeze Carlos' shoulder.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I know." Carlos continued to watch the screen.

"I didn't mean to take it out on you. I shouldn't have."

"I know."

"It's just...hard. I feel like a failure, you know?"

"You're not."

James bent down to speak softly into Carlos' ear, the words difficult to pick up but just clear enough. "I'm not going to let you die. I'll do whatever I have to to keep you safe."

A smile graced Carlos' lips and he tilted his head back to look up at James. "I know."

Though he seemed a tad uncomfortable with the affection, James allowed it when Carlos reached up to hug him awkwardly.

"Javier should be here any minute."

"I saved your food, go eat it."

"Do we have time?"

"Eat fast."

After ruffling Carlos' hair, James padded off to the kitchen. Carlos shut off the television and peeked out the front window.

"You ready for this?" Logan said to Kendall.

"Ready as I'll ever be. I'm gonna get us more coffee."

"You're a good man, Knight."

When Kendall returned with two steaming mugs, Logan thanked him and said, "So I've noticed something. I've been thinking about it and I don't really know if it means anything."

Kendall settled himself behind the desk. "What's that?"

"Have you seen either of them do any of the drugs they have stashed in the basement?"

"No. I've seen James go down to check on it a few times a day."

"Me, too. But neither of them actually touches the stuff. So I'm guessing they're not junkies."

"Makes sense to keep a clean head when you're in charge of all that. And when you're worried about your chances of staying alive."

"Yeah. I've heard that a lot of dealers don't do the stuff themselves."

"Nope." Kendall's nostrils flared when he added, "They just sell the stuff and get everyone else hooked so they can go out and steal lives from others." When Logan didn't say anything, he asked, "What do you make of Carlos saying he doesn't want to be dependent on his uncle?"

"I don't really know. I was wondering about that. Did he mean he wanted to strike out on his own, or that he wanted out of the life?"

"That's what I want to know."

Logan nodded. "Makes it harder to hate him when he doesn't want to be the bad guy, you know? Or when he's so scared to die."

"James seems more worried about that than Carlos does."

"Maybe Carlos just hides it better. It's James' job to worry. Carlos said that himself."

"Yeah. Oh, we've got movement outside. This must be Javier."

A dark sedan pulled to a stop along the curb in front of Carlos' house. They watched a slim man who looked to be either late thirties or early forties climb out of the vehicle. "That's him," Kendall confirmed. "That's the guy the director sent over a photo of earlier, right?"

"Definitely," Logan agreed.

James was already moving to the front door, telling Carlos to get back. Carlos, of course, argued with him.

"I've known Javier my whole life, dude. He's fine."

"Nobody's fine." James waved him away. "I keep telling you that."

Carlos rolled his eyes but moved back into the kitchen. James reached into a plant on a table near the front door, his hand coming back out holding a knife.

"Whoa," Kendall breathed. "You ever seen him do that before?"

"Nope. Not even when you came to the door. He _really_ doesn't like Javier."

James opened the front door with the hand holding the knife, keeping it out of view. "Hey. Come on in."

"What's up, bro?" Javier stepped into the house while James twisted so that he could press the door closed with his back, the knife still hidden behind him. "Where's Carlitos?"

"In the kitchen. He's gonna walk out there with you to move his car so you can pull it into the garage."

"Sure."

Kendall briefly entertained the idea of being outside for that, but discarded it; James was already suspicious enough and that might be too much of a coincidence to be believable.

Carlos greeted Javier with a hug, asking about his family. James seemed a tiny bit less tense, though still on alert and ready for anything.

"Let me just get the car inside. I'd back in but that might look weird."

"Definitely would," James agreed. "Make it fast."

Carlos pointed out, "It would be less suspicious if he hung out a while. At least an hour."

Though James obviously was not on board with that idea, he knew Carlos was right. "Fine. Just...be careful. I'm here if you need me."

Carlos squeezed James' arm in passing. "It's okay, man. I'm good."

They were almost out the door when James changed his mind. "I'm going with you."

Carlos spun back with an exasperated expression. "Dude, will you stop? I'm fine."

Javier added, "Be ready for us, the faster we get it loaded, the better."

He stepped outside and Carlos hissed, "And put the knife away! Javier is not the enemy!"

James said nothing, only continued to watch as Javier strutted out to his car.

"James. I'm serious. Go open the basement so he can grab what he needs."

"What all is he taking?"

"Who cares? He'll take what he was told to take. But you can't act like this when he comes over, man. He's like family." The car started up and Carlos moved to close the door. "Now go."

Kendall and Logan watched Carlos head out to move his own car while James stayed near the front window, still not trusting. "Do we have cameras in the garage?" Kendall suddenly wondered.

"What do you think you're working with here, amateurs?" With the click of a few keys, one of the monitors switched to a clear scene of the garage, which James finally went through the kitchen to open.

"We should call Lucy. See where he takes the stuff."

"Good idea," Logan agreed. "He won't go to the manufacturing site, but it'll be more information than we have now. I hope. James put the knife in his pocket."

Shooting a quick text to Lucy, Kendall commented, "He still doesn't trust the guy."

"I wonder if there's a reason or if he's just that paranoid."

"Maybe a little of both. Lucy will be ready to follow Javier. We need to text her when he's ready to leave."

James stood in the entrance to the now-open garage to watch Carlos park his car in front of the house between theirs, half his attention on Javier and ready for anything. When he needed to, he moved to allow Javier's car inside, not relaxing until the garage door was closed and Carlos was safe inside it with him. Javier followed them back into the house.

They filled up six duffel bags that Javier had brought along, then deposited those in the trunk of the car before returning to the house.

"You hungry, Javier?" Carlos asked. "We got some leftovers from dinner and my boy makes a mean burger."

"I could eat," Javier nodded. "Thanks. How about the facilities?"

James answered that. "Down the hall and to your right. What do you want on your burger?"

"Whatever you got. Onions, ketchup, mustard...you know. The usual."

Once Javier disappeared, Carlos lifted an eyebrow at James. "Thanks. That was actually nice. You calming down some?"

"Not even a tiny bit. You're not going to be alone with him for even a second, you got that?"

Though Carlos rolled his eyes, his answer was, "I figured. Do I have to go with you to make his plate?"

"I'd prefer that."

Logan switched the garage camera to the bathroom, both of them sitting up straighter when they spotted Javier not doing the kind of business expected. Instead, he had a phone pressed to his ear and was speaking softly.

"Yeah, I'm in. Working on it. The bodyguard's gonna be a pain in my ass, but I think Carlos will see reason. I'll be in touch when I leave." He pocketed the phone and then made use of the toilet.

Kendall and Logan stared at each other, Kendall's heart in his throat. "Is James right? Is this guy going after Carlos?" He stood up and opened a drawer at his hip, dipping his hand in for the gun he kept there.

"Oh what are you gonna do, go crashing in there to save him? You know you can't do that, it would blow everything."

"Well...we have to keep Carlos safe, he's our only avenue to Luis at this point."

"And James has it handled. Trust me, that guy's not getting near Carlos. My man's not stupid."

His concern arrested by Logan's words, Kendall smirked. "Your man?" he echoed.

"Shut up, you know what I mean. We can't interfere, just let James do his job."

Kendall let out a frustrated breath but returned to his chair, setting the gun on the desk. Javier was washing his hands in the bathroom while Carlos retrieved a bag of potato chips from the pantry. James was crafting a masterpiece of a burger.

"Seriously," Logan murmured, "husband material right there. I bet he grills."

"You'd love to find out, wouldn't you?" Kendall grinned.

"Mmm, the things he could put in my belly."

Kendall decided against a reply to that because Javier was joining them.

"Looks great. You boys joining me?"

Carlos closed the bag of chips after dropping some onto the plate James was preparing. "I could go for some dessert. We got any of that cookie dough ice cream left?"

"Nope, you ate it all." At the sad expression on Carlos' face, James added, "But I did get you some cookies and cream as a surprise."

Carlos' jaw dropped and his face brightened. "You did?! Thanks, man!"

That earned James a hug, James smiling while pushing Carlos away. "Here, take this over there and I'll get you some."

Carlos happily served Javier at the table, then dug in the refrigerator for three cans of soda. "Sorry, Javier, we don't have any beer."

"What? What kind of house doesn't have beer?"

"My kind," James answered harshly. "Sprite or root beer, take your pick."

"Not even anything with caffeine?" Javier chuckled.

After an apologetic glance at Carlos, James spoke while scooping ice cream from a container. "You ever been around this guy when he's had too much sugar? Like a five-year-old."

"I'm not that bad," Carlos argued.

"You are."

Javier bit into his burger and nodded in approval. "Pretty good. So is that your role here? Personal chef and babysitter?"

James bristled, the ice cream scooper landing in the kitchen sink with a clank.

"He's more than that," Carlos stated. "You know the history with my family. He's here to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Carlitos. Can we maybe talk privately? Just the two of us?"

"Not a fucking chance," James said through gritted teeth. He set down a bowl of ice cream in front of Carlos, movements angry. "He doesn't leave my sight."

"And that's my point. Carlitos...I'm a little concerned about your uncle."

James loudly dropped a clean spoon next to the bowl, Carlos reaching out to squeeze his hand in reassurance before picking it up and dipping it into the ice cream. "My uncle's fine."

"Listen, no one's saying your uncle is doing anything wrong. We just feel that lately he's...well, his head isn't where it should be."

After putting away the ice cream container, James leaned back against the cabinets with arms crossed over his chest.

"Where do you think his head is?" Carlos wanted to know.

"You know, just...people change as they get older. No one's denying that your uncle has had a lot of hardships in his life, losing family and all. But Carlitos...he's got you locked up in a prison here—"

"And for good reason," James interrupted.

Javier waited to make sure James didn't have anything else to add before continuing. "It's not doing the business any good to have you locked away. We need you out there running things, not hiding away."

"It's just temporary," Carlos told him. "Just until..."

When he trailed off, Javier asked, "Until what? When is Luis gonna feel that you're safe? He never will, Carlitos. I understand his fears but he's taking it too far. He's paranoid now. Always worried someone's gonna take him out, take _you_ out..."

James argued, "It's not an irrational fear. Look at what's happened to his family over the years. Carlos is logically the next to go and Luis is smart enough to see that and take precautions."

"But at the risk of killing the business. Look, we all love your uncle. We love you, we've watched you grow up into a strong, smart man that we trust to take over when Luis steps aside. But your uncle seems to be losing his grip a little more each day and it scares us. All we're asking is for you to talk to him, to maybe bring that day sooner and convince him to hand the reins over to you."

Carlos digested that slowly, staring down at his nearly-empty bowl of ice cream while James offered nothing more than his reassuring presence. Javier continued to eat.

"This is big," Logan whispered. "They're trying to overthrow Luis. Holy shit."

Kendall nodded, only vaguely aware of Logan's comments because he was so focused on Carlos. It felt like forever before Carlos finally spoke again.

"You want me to take over. Now."

"As soon as possible, yes. If anyone can convince your uncle to step back, it's you. And to be clear, we're not asking for him to give it up completely. He's built this network from the ground up and we don't expect him to stop caring. We'd just like him to take a smaller role. It's gonna happen eventually, right? You'll be in charge one day."

"You keep saying 'we.' Who's we, Javier? Who wants Luis gone?"

"No, Carlos, nobody wants him gone. That's what I'm saying, we just want someone more stable in command."

"Who's we?" Carlos repeated.

"A lot of us. Most of us. We don't know if we can trust his judgment much longer."

James contributed, "Luis Garcia is one of the smartest men I've ever known."

Barely holding on to his annoyance, Javier replied, "No offense, but you're not part of this. We don't even know your name. You're an outsider who showed up out of the blue to protect the most important asset we have, and your presence just backs up everything I'm saying. Carlos, you don't even know this guy. How can you—"

Carlos cut the man off. "I know him. I trust him more than anyone else on this earth, Javier. If he wasn't trustworthy, my uncle wouldn't have put him here with me."

Dropping that line of discussion, Javier went back to his original plea. "We're all concerned, that's what I'm saying. For you, for your uncle...we just need to feel secure and we don't with Luis in charge. Not anymore. Think about it."

Carlos' answer was a simple nod. Javier pushed his plate away and stood. "Thanks for dinner, boys. I'll be back next week for another pickup. Carlos, walk me out?"

James rose as well. "Not without me."

"Why am I not surprised?" Javier muttered.

They escorted him to the garage, where James pushed the button that raised the door. "Let me just say this," Javier started as he opened his car door. "Your uncle has this guy so paranoid that he won't even leave you alone with me. I helped raise you. I watched over you and your sister every day when you were kids. He trusted me then. The fact that he doesn't now says a lot, don't you think? His mind is wearing away, Carlos. Please. Do the right thing for the business and yourself. Convince your uncle to let you take over."

"I'll give it some thought," was all Carlos was willing to say.

"That's all we ask. Take care."

"Did you text Lucy?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah. She's ready."

Carlos and James were back in the house when Carlos opened his mouth to speak, but James held him off. "Hold that thought." He ran into each room, looking out every window before he was satisfied enough to return to Carlos. "We're good, didn't see anyone out that might've seen him leave."

"Even if they did, it's fine. It just looks like a friend leaving."

"You can't be too careful, Carlos."

"I know, James. I know."

At the irritated tone, James shook his head. "So you agree with Javier. That I'm too paranoid and just as bad as your uncle, right?"

"About me, yes. I'm not the one in danger here."

James frowned and asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You heard what he said. They want Luis out of it. I'm thinking it might be better if we go back home and protect him."

"No way. You're not safe there, that's the first place our enemies will look. They don't know you're here—"

"Of course they know I'm here, they know everything."

"Carlos, Luis put you here for a reason! You need to keep your distance from your uncle."

"And who's there to protect him?" Carlos yelled. "I'm just sitting here doing nothing when I should be taking care of him! You heard what Javier said, they all think he's lost it. How long do you think it'll be before they go after him?"

James relented enough to drag Carlos into a hug. "I know you worry about him."

"He's not safe, James."

"Neither are you. He's not stupid, okay? He told me before I brought you here that he knows they'll eventually come after him. That's why he wanted you far away."

Carlos stepped back and stared up in surprise. "He said that?"

"He did. He needs you to stay safe so that if anything happens to him, you're still okay. That's his main concern."

"But I'm not the one they're after."

"Not them, no. But that doesn't change the fact that you're in danger from the gangs that went after your parents and Cristina. They're still out there, Carlos, and they still want your uncle to suffer. Let him keep you safe."

"But who's gonna keep _him_ safe?"

"He has people in place that he trusts. You need to trust them, too."

"I don't trust anybody."

With a sudden smirk, James teased, "Except the cutie down the street."

That surprised Carlos into a blush and a laugh. "He's really cute, isn't he?"

"And a danger to you. Everyone is. I know you're sick of hearing that, but an hour ago you trusted Javier with your uncle's life. Now you don't, do you?"

"Javier won't hurt my uncle."

"But he wants him out. My point is that you can't trust anyone. People have their own agendas."

"Then why is it okay for me to trust you? If what you're saying is true, I shouldn't trust you either."

Looking as if the words pained him to hear, James replied solemnly, "I'd die for you."

Carlos nodded. "I know that." He hugged James again, James allowing it and seeming to need it just as badly. "I'm just scared. For him, for me, for you..."

"Me? Why are you worried about me?"

"Because they might hurt you if they come after me. I'm not the only one in danger here."

"I don't care what they do to me. I've got nothing to live for."

"That's not true, you have—"

"No." James pulled away with a shake of his head. "Not even her. We both know I'll never see her again." When Carlos said nothing, James headed for the dining room to clear away the dishes.

"I'm gonna get my shower out of the way," Carlos sighed. "You up for a movie tonight?"

It was a minute before James answered. "Sure."

"If you'd rather, we can just go to bed."

"Whatever you want. All I know is I'm not leaving you alone. I'm tempted to sleep in your room at this point."

"James. Come on, man, we both know you can't jerk off with me around."

Standing at the kitchen sink, James almost dropped the bowl. "Shut up, asshole. Like you don't do the same thing."

"Gotta get our fun somewhere, right?" After tipping a wink at James, Carlos headed down the hall.

* * *

Kendall replaced the gun and turned to Logan. "So."

"So."

"Carlos wants to go home already."

"Can you blame him? He's trapped in that house and worried about his uncle. Sounds like he's right to be worried."

"Yeah. I need to update the director."

"You do that. I'm gonna pee."

"Thanks for the warning."

Kendall's conversation with the director was brief enough that he was already done by the time Logan returned. "What did he say?"

"They already knew about the unrest within the organization. He said that's why they wanted to act now, because it'll be easier to infiltrate and break down. I told him about how Carlos wants to move back and he said we can't let that happen, that Carlos is too heavily guarded there to get any information out of him."

Logan made an amused sound. "Obviously the director doesn't realize just how impossible it is to get to Carlos here. James is not going to slip up."

"Yeah," Kendall sighed. "So. Tomorrow when Carlos goes to the gym, guess who's gonna be outside watering the lawn?" Logan smiled, and Kendall added, "I mean, I should at least be able to get a little flirting in, right? Especially if he leaves his car parked where it is now."

"Hopefully."

"Director said I need to speed it up, but I don't really know how."

"I thought he told you before to take it slow."

"He did. Now he's spooked that Carlos might just say fuck it and leave this place."

"James wouldn't let that happen."

"James is not Carlos' keeper. He can't control him."

"He sure does try, though." Logan was quietly contemplative before saying, "I wonder how they know each other. Like...I wonder what it feels like to have a friend like that, who would die for you."

Kendall shrugged. "They definitely care a lot about each other. I feel..."

"What?"

There was a pause while Kendall's gaze skated over Carlos squeezing shampoo into his hand. "I just...imagine what Carlos is going through. He's terrified that his uncle, who is the only family he has, is going to be killed. He also has to worry about the fact that people want him dead. It makes me feel..."

"Sorry for him?" Logan wondered.

"A little."

"Even though he helps run one of the most powerful drug networks in the world?"

"Well, there is that. He's not what I expected at all."

"I know. Sucks when everything isn't black and white, doesn't it?"

"Yeah. I wonder if he really does want to leave the life. Start over. Would that even be possible for him?"

"I don't think so. Even if he did try, he knows too much. If his enemies didn't kill him, his own people would."

Kendall nodded slowly, eyes now taking in hands rubbing soap over smooth skin. "It's sad, you know? He's stuck."

"At least he's got a hot guy to keep him company 24/7. For that alone, I'm jealous."

Kendall shook his head and chuckled. "One day, Logan. One day you'll get yourself a man like that."

"Never gonna happen. At least I found a face to fuel my daydreams, though, right?" Logan's gaze drifted to one of the screens, where James was pressing buttons to start the dishwasher. "I can see it so clearly. I come home after a long day of work like this, walk up behind him right there and run my hands up his back. He smiles and turns around and kisses me, then his hands get all needy and next thing I know, I'm on the counter with him between my legs and his mouth all over me and...God, I'm so pathetic, but do you know what I'd give for a man like that in my life?"

"I think you read too many romance novels," Kendall smiled. "But it's not wrong to want that."

"No novels," Logan disagreed. "It all happens in my head. And look who's talking."

"What?"

"I noticed you haven't taken your eyes off Carlos once since he got naked."

"Oh come on, he's my target. I have to watch him."

"Right."

"Weren't you the one who told me I should? That I should know what to expect?"

"Absolutely. I'm not arguing the point."

"Then what _is_ your point?"

"Just that I'm not the only one who gets caught up in my work. When they look like that, it's hard not to."

Kendall's face softened as Carlos stepped out of the shower and dried himself off with a fluffy towel. "I don't think it's about the looks, Logan. At least not for me."

Logan nodded. "And that's even more dangerous."

When Kendall's phone buzzed, he glanced down at his screen. "Javier went back to base. Nothing new there. Lucy's heading to the motel."

"Great, I can relax for the evening. Mind if I shower before taking over the first shift tonight?"

"No, that's fine. There's still more of the lasagna if you're hungry later."

"Thanks. Here's hoping I get a show again tonight."

"Logan, you're horrible."

"Pathetic. A little desperate. A lot lonely."

Kendall offered him a sympathetic smile. "No rush on that shower, buddy."

"Thanks."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Here's another chapter I wasn't planning to post yet but decided to last-minute because I'm stuck on this story and need motivation. We all know this is the best medicine for that. Thanks for reading!

* * *

It was closing in on eleven A.M. the following morning when Carlos went to his bedroom to grab his gym bag. Kendall alerted Stone, who texted back that she would be ready.

"Are _you_ ready?" Logan asked.

Dressed in faded jeans and a light t-shirt, Kendall was already moving down the hall. "I'm on it!"

"Got your wireless?"

"It's in! Wish me luck!"

His rushed movements slowed to a lazy stride after Kendall closed the door behind him, taking his time as he bent down to pick up the hose that was hooked to a faucet under the front window. By the time Carlos opened his front door to escape, Kendall had moved to the portion of the lawn closest to the house next door, glad Carlos had left the car parked there.

"He's alone," Logan spoke into his ear. "James went to the bathroom, he isn't even watching. Which surprises me. You got this, Kendall."

Kendall appeared to be deep in thought as the water spewed from the hose to the grass. He waited for Carlos to notice him and say something, starting to fear it wouldn't happen when the trunk slammed. That was a perfect excuse to shake himself from his thoughts and look around.

"Oh. Hey."

"Hey," Carlos grinned. "Didn't mean to startle you."

"Nah, it's cool. I was just kind of...well."

"Daydreaming?" Carlos smirked, rounding the back of the car toward the driver's side door.

"Writing, actually," Kendall blushed. "Sometimes when I get stumped, I come out and do mundane chores like this to give my mind a break. Works every time."

"Writing?" Carlos echoed, curious gaze locked to Kendall's.

"Yeah. I'm an author."

"Really. I wouldn't have guessed that."

"No?" With a teasing tone, Kendall asked, "What would you have guessed?"

"I don't know. Something a little more...active."

One side of Kendall's mouth quirked up. "Active, hmm? I do enjoy activities." He watched Carlos bite his bottom lip, then asked, "What about you? What do you do?"

"All kinds of things," was Carlos' vague but flirty answer. "Right now I'm headed to the gym. Lots of action there, you know?"

"So I hear. Have fun."

"You, too. Enjoy your...writing."

Except that when Carlos said it, it sounded more like "riding" and left Kendall breathless. He winked at Kendall and then lowered himself to the car, taking a peek out the windshield to meet Kendall's gaze.

"James is heading for the window. Let him go, Kendall!"

Kendall allowed his tongue to touch his lips before turning away and watering the grass behind him. He heard Carlos pull away and forced himself to continue the task instead of rushing back inside as he wanted to do. Most likely James was currently watching him.

Sure enough, Logan spoke up. "He's watching you. Not sure how much he saw or if he knows you two talked, but...if he knows Carlos, he knows there was conversation."

Kendall didn't answer, making himself wait ten minutes and even waving at a neighbor he hadn't met before shutting off the hose and sauntering inside. Only when the door was closed and he was safe did he let out a long, shuddering breath and lean his head back against the wood.

Logan stepped out of the office with a grin. "Excellent work. I didn't know you had that in you."

"That was mostly him. But..." Kendall inhaled slowly in search of calm. "Holy shit. He's good."

"Wait, that wasn't all pretend? He actually turned you on?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

When Kendall moved to rush past, Logan grabbed his arm to stop him. "No way. No way, we are totally talking about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. It's all in the line of duty."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself." Logan allowed him to go, speaking again when Kendall was about to turn into his bedroom. "But Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Like you told me. There's nothing wrong with enjoying beauty."

His own words coming back to haunt him, Kendall nodded. "Yeah."

"I mean, you have to make it believable, right? So if you are honestly attracted to him, that just makes your job easier."

"Yeah."

"I can see you don't believe me so I'm gonna shut up now, but don't be so quick to chase away feelings. They'll help you in this case."

As Kendall disappeared into his room, he was determined that those feelings wouldn't keep him from doing his job properly.

* * *

Kendall knew better than to be outside upon Carlos' return. They expected James would have harsh words for Carlos, but he surprised them by keeping quiet about it. Perhaps he hadn't noticed them talking outside.

It was looking like another typical day, Kendall and Logan sitting inside the office trying to come up with a way to bring about another interaction, when Carlos' behavior suddenly changed from relaxed to sneaky. Kendall sat up straighter as his eyes narrowed on the screen. "What's he doing?"

"What?" Logan hadn't been watching. Looking closer now, he frowned when he saw Carlos dart out the front door and toward the driveway. "Oh shit. Shit! He's making a run for it! Where the fuck is James?!"

James was currently in the bathroom, in no rush to complete his business because he'd left Carlos innocently watching television.

"What do we do?!" Logan yelled.

"I don't—" Panicked, Kendall watched Carlos run right past his car and down the sidewalk. "What the...where the hell is he going? Do we have cameras on the street?"

"Yes, of course, just...hang on."

Three seconds later they were looking at their own front yard. Carlos came into view on that feed, only slowing down when he'd reached...

"What the fuck." Kendall blinked at the screen in shock as Carlos reached into their mailbox and pulled out an envelope, then pounded cement back to his own house. They watched him shut the front door as quietly as he could before heading to his bedroom and slipping the envelope under his mattress. Once that was done he took a few deeps breaths and sauntered back to the living room, taking up his seat on the sofa as if he'd never moved. James returned a few minutes later none the wiser.

Neither knew what to say, minds spinning. Finally Logan asked, "Do you think he's onto us? Is he going to use that piece of mail to research you or something?"

"I don't know." Kendall's brows furrowed together in confusion. "That's a seriously bold move, though. Anyone in the area could've seen him do it and called the cops. Why would he risk that?"

Logan shook his head. "He's crazy. No wonder James gets so frustrated, he just blatantly called attention to himself. Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"What if he did it hoping you'd see and then go over there? What if he's trying to draw you out and get you over there to interrogate you?"

"Maybe. But then if he's so suspicious of me, why hide that from James? James obviously would agree with him."

"Right. What did he even take?"

"I don't know. Could've been something for the previous resident for all we know."

"This is nuts. Did we blow our cover already?"

Kendall could only shrug, just as lost as Logan was.

"Why in the world would he steal our mail?"

Again, Kendall remained silent. All he knew was that they'd have to tread very carefully and be much more on guard from now on.

* * *

The answer to Logan's question became clear the following morning. James had cooked breakfast for himself and Carlos while Kendall served cold cereal to Logan and wolfed down a bowl of oatmeal. They were busy trying to figure out their next move when Logan hushed Kendall.

"James is going to shower."

Though he rolled his eyes, Kendall laughed. "That's my cue to leave you two alone." He collected their empty bowls and stood up. "Clean up any messes you make in here," he teased.

"Shut up, I've never done that while he's showering."

"I noticed you qualified that with 'while he's showering.' We won't talk about what goes on when he's in bed at night."

"Stop it, I haven't even—" Logan's voice cut off abruptly. "Kendall. Kendall, come back here. Now."

Kendall knew better than to ignore that tone. He rushed back into the office and set the bowls down, watching the screen. Carlos was walking into his bedroom.

"He just listened at the bathroom door," Logan shared. "He's up to something."

"What are you doing, Carlos?" Kendall whispered, then inhaled sharply when Carlos withdrew the envelope from under his mattress. He studied the name for a second and then moved swiftly down the hall toward the front door.

"Is he gonna put it back now?" Logan wanted to know. "Did he even look at it while he had it?"

"I never saw him touch it," Kendall confirmed. "Not after he hid it."

They made sure James was still safely tucked away in the shower before turning their attention to the exterior feeds. Logan swallowed. "He's coming this way. Definitely putting the envelope back. But then why did he—" As Carlos bypassed the mailbox completely, it fell into place. "Holy shit. Kendall, he's coming. He's coming here. He's coming here!"

Kendall had already pieced that together in his mind so that panic had him frozen. "What do I do?"

"Answer the door when he knocks. He's using this. Oh my god, Kendall, he stole your idea and he's using this to talk to you! Get out there!"

"But he can't come here! He can't see you! This is bad, this is—"

"Close the door. I'll lock it just in case. And close my bedroom door, too! Don't let him inside no matter what!"

Just then the doorbell chimed. Kendall had no time to grab his earpiece or his gun. After running down the hall to close Logan's door, he hissed, "I don't like this!" to Logan in passing.

"You got this! I'm right here, yell if you need me. Go seduce that crazy asshole!" With that, Logan closed the office door.

Dressed as he was in sweatpants and a ratty old t-shirt, Kendall didn't see how it was possible to seduce anyone at the moment. Had he even combed his hair yet today?

"Fuck," he muttered, attempting to smooth down the blond mess. A glance into the hall mirror as he passed only sent his confidence plummeting further. "I can't do this."

The doorbell rang a second time, sending him into action. He was well aware that Carlos didn't have a lot of time.

After clearing his throat and closing his eyes to pray for guidance, Kendall opened the door. "Oh. Hey. Carlos?" He plastered a smile on his face.

"Hey, neighbor. Sorry to bug you so early, but I just now went through our mail and found this. Looks like the mailman messed up again."

Kendall took the envelope that was being held out, noting it wasn't even his fake name in the little plastic window. "Wow, does this guy get anything right?" he chuckled. "Thanks."

"No prob. Figured you'd want it as soon as possible."

"Yeah. Except...I'm not George Peterson, so it must be for the previous resident."

"Yeah, I thought that was weird. Right address, though, right? Or did I mix that up?"

"No. No, it's definitely the right address. You're in the right place." Kendall bit his lip in what he hoped was a seductive manner, letting his gaze skate up Carlos' torso and neck to come to rest on his lips. "Always a nice surprise to see you."

Heat came into Carlos' eyes. "Likewise. How's thatuh _...writing_ going?"

Damn if that didn't put visions in Kendall's head. He was breathless again from one simple word. "Haven't had any luck today."

"Well, it's still early. Maybe you'll get lucky tonight."

Kendall swallowed, breath coming with difficulty. "If only that was the case. Know anyone who might be experienced in...writing?"

It wasn't Kendall's imagination; Carlos was being drawn in by the same magnetic pull. "I've had a little practice myself. Maybe I can give you a few...pointers."

This wasn't going to take any effort on Kendall's part; Carlos was dying to be kissed. He put one foot forward to close the distance between them, Kendall allowing it to happen and not backing away. Their lips were two inches apart before an infuriated scream reached them.

"Carlos!"

They both jumped, Carlos cringing before hanging his head. "I gotta get back."

"Sure. Thanks uh...thanks for the mail."

"Yeah. See you around."

Kendall leaned out the doorway to watch Carlos trot across the yard and back toward his house, where James was waiting with an expression that promised there would be hell to pay. Carlos managed to sneak in a wave before disappearing into the house. After sending a warning glare Kendall's way, James followed suit.

The office door opened just as the front door closed. "Sorry, I couldn't warn you," Logan began. "I would have but—"

"No, it's fine. You needed to stay hidden."

"Did it go well?"

"So much better than I imagined. Get in there, I'm sure Carlos is being reamed up the ass right now. I need to see this."

They could hear James' yelling from across the room. "How can you be so stupid?!"

"Don't call me stupid!"

"That was the dumbest thing you've ever done! What the fuck possessed you to go over to his house?!"

"I had his mail! I had to deliver it!"

"Oh, bullshit! If that was the case, you would have told me and let me take it over there. You were looking for an excuse to see your little boyfriend!"

"So what? I'm not a kid, James! You can't keep me from living my life!"

"I'm trying to fucking _save_ your life! I _want_ you to keep living it! You're going to get yourself killed because one day you'll trust the wrong person and they won't even have to try, you'll just fall right into their trap because you're fucking horny. I told you, let me get you a hooker!"

"I don't want a hooker! I want that!"

"You can't have that!"

" _You_ did! You had a normal life, tried to give it all up to just live a normal life, and—"

"Yeah, and look what happened, Carlos! She died! What part of that don't you get? She died because of me and I'm not going to make that mistake twice, you can't—"

"That was not your fault, how many times do I have to tell you that? They would've gotten her no matter what!"

"But I led them to her! It was my fault, they got to her and nothing you say will change that! Nothing can bring her back!"

"I know that, James!" Hesitating because he knew his next words would hurt, Carlos said softly, "Keeping me alive isn't gonna bring her back, either."

The fight went out of James. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't go to bed every night knowing I can't ever undo my mistake? I'm not going to let it happen again."

"This is totally different. He's just a guy that finds me attractive. At least I hope he does. I think so." Carlos fell into contemplation, trying to decide if that was the case.

"Carlos. Please. I don't know how else to say it. If you keep acting like this, irrationally and by letting your emotions lead you, you're going to die. I can only do so much."

Carlos blinked against sudden tears.

"I'm sorry," James whispered, and it was clear on his face that he truly was. "I know you're lonely. I am, too. But we have to be smart about this. We can't take chances. Not even really cute ones that live two doors down."

Perhaps because he knew James was making sense, Carlos didn't argue. He trudged past James and down the hall. They were expecting the slam of a door, but instead it was closed quietly, as if Carlos barely had the strength to handle even that.

Logan broke the silence that had fallen with, "Do you think he realizes he never put a shirt on?"

Kendall hadn't even noticed. "What happened when he got out of the shower?"

"He put on his pants, then opened the door and went to check on Carlos. Saw Carlos wasn't there and panicked, ran around the place checking every room and calling out for him. Finally went outside. He knew exactly where to look."

"Fast shower. Doesn't he normally take longer ones?"

"Yeah. I think Javier spooked him last night. Doesn't want to leave Carlos alone for long."

Kendall sighed, resting his elbow on the desk to rub his forehead.

"So it went well on your end?"

"Oh yeah. We would've kissed if James hadn't interrupted."

"Damn, seriously? It went that far?"

"He definitely wants me. I just have no idea how to get him alone long enough to make that happen."

"You know what I think?" Logan waited for Kendall to look at him to continue. "I think Carlos is going to go after what he wants. He's defied James a few times, and look at the lengths he went to just to talk to you today. He stole your mail. Obviously taking the idea from you, but you get my point. If he wants something badly enough, he's not going to let James stop him."

"And he definitely wants me," Kendall said again. He looked at Carlos now, watching through a screen as Carlos laid on his bed and wiped his eyes on a pillowcase. "What do I do, Logan? How do I get him to that point, where he's willing to defy James again?"

"Does he know that he has a chance with you? I'm assuming you made it clear today that his feelings are reciprocated."

"Yeah. He knows."

"So then what he needs now is to know there's a chance. A _real_ chance. He wants that normal life. Offer it to him."

"What am I supposed to do, go over and propose marriage? Yeah, he knows I want to take him to bed, but marriage is pushing it."

"What about a date?"

"A date?"

"Sure. Ask him out."

"James is never gonna let that happen."

"I think when it comes to you, Carlos doesn't care what James says."

"He does care," Kendall disagreed. "If he didn't, he wouldn't be crying right now."

"Can it hurt to ask?"

"It might. That might be enough to get James taking Carlos and running."

"Look, he already knows you want Carlos."

"Not really. He only knows that Carlos wants me."

"Fine. What's your next step?"

"I have no idea."

"You don't have one, because you've taken it far enough that asking him on a date is natural. It's what normal people do."

"How do _you_ know?"

"All those romance novels I read," Logan quipped. "Trust me. If this was a story, you'd show up on his doorstep with flowers and ask him to dinner."

"And because this is real life, the bodyguard will insist on coming along."

"So? The bodyguard won't be with you in the bedroom. I guarantee Carlos will put his foot down on that. And then? You're right where you want to be. Fucking Carlos into spilling secrets."

"He's not stupid, you know," Kendall pointed out. "He's not just gonna start telling me his life story."

"You never know until you try. And hey. Even if it doesn't happen, I think that'll push Carlos into trying something else. Maybe sneaking over here at night."

"Which is a really bad idea. We can't have him inside the house."

"We can if we keep this door locked and you keep him in the living room. Or even your bedroom, doesn't matter. We just want him somewhere he feels safe and lets his guard down. You can provide that. It's what you were put here to do anyway."

"I know," Kendall groaned. "I just..."

"What?"

"It feels...wrong."

"No. No way, you are not suddenly developing morals."

"I've always had morals."

"Kendall...as much as I love working with you, we have a job to do. You had a talk with me the other night about professionalism and whether or not I could do this job. I'm having that talk with you now. Can you do this or not?"

A memory of his mother and sister laughing on the last Christmas morning they'd all spent together flitted through Kendall's mind. He was here to take down the Garcia cartel and save lives. "I'll do what it takes."

"Good. Ask him out."

Kendall nodded, his focus drawn again to Carlos. James was giving him space, leaving him to cry over a normal life he would never be able to have. "I can give him at least one night of happiness, right?"

"I'm thinking it'll have to be more than that. Like you said, he isn't going to trust you completely on the first date."

"Yeah. Let's figure this out."

* * *

"I look stupid."

"You do not! Just stop moving and let her fix your hair."

Kendall growled in frustration as Stone reached for the hair gel she'd brought along. "The more you move, the longer this is gonna take, Knight."

"Why are we going to all this trouble?" he asked Logan. "We all know James is going to answer the door anyway. Carlos isn't even gonna see me."

"You want to make a good impression, show James you're an upstanding guy. Normal guys take care to look good when asking for a date. Just think of him as a dad you're trying to impress before you take his daughter out." After a moment, Logan added, "Or son."

"But Carlos likes me the way I am already."

"This is true," Lucy nodded, "but you want him to know you think he's worth dressing up a little for. That it means something to you."

"I don't want to make him nervous."

"You won't," Logan assured him. "You're right, he already likes you and this is going to be a breeze. Getting past James will be the hardest part."

"Right." Butterflies took flight in Kendall's stomach. "And if James doesn't even answer the door?"

"Keep ringing that bell," Lucy coached.

Logan tossed out, "And pray he doesn't have that knife."

"Thanks, that makes me feel better."

"Just take your piece. Wear your nicest flannel and take your piece."

Lucy's advice was the best he could hope for. Fifteen minutes later, Kendall was clothed in khakis and a sweater that was long and loose enough to hide the gun he'd be carrying with him. His hair had been given body, bangs swept aside, and his face was clean-shaven. "Do I take the flowers?"

Logan glanced at Lucy in question.

"Hard to say," she answered. "You're not gonna get past the bodyguard, but it might impress him if you take them along."

"I say save them. Give them to Carlos on the date."

"The one that isn't going to happen?" Kendall reminded Logan. "James is never going to allow this."

"We talked about that. James can say no, but Carlos will want it badly enough to defy him. I feel it in my gut."

"What if James doesn't even give Carlos my message and he has no idea I'm asking for a date?"

"He'll know you're there. That much we can guarantee. Should be enough to get him wanting to see you again."

Lucy tilted her head as she studied Kendall. "Are you done coming up with excuses so we can get this show on the road? Some of us have plans tonight, you know."

Logan frowned at her. "You've got plans? Aren't you supposed to be ready at all times?"

"My plans can always be paused. That's the one good thing about spending the evening with Netflix. Let's just do this. Kendall. Look at me."

Taken by surprise, Kendall obeyed.

"You look good. If you weren't so boring and vanilla, I'd consider a date. Carlos is apparently drawn to that, so take advantage of it. Play up your...boringness. Your safety." She shuddered in revulsion before continuing. "Just be yourself and you'll get him in no time."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Stone. I think." Turning his attention to Logan, he waited.

"Right now your target isn't Carlos so much as James. He's the one you're going up against in the next few minutes, and he's the one you have to win over. Make sure he knows your intentions toward Carlos are innocent. You're a nice guy that's bored and maybe just wants a fling to distract you from your writer's block. It's just a quiet dinner at home."

"He knows Carlos too well for that," Kendall smiled. "Carlos will want more."

"That's not his concern. Just make sure he knows that you don't intend Carlos any harm and will return him in one piece at a decent hour. That's what matters most to a guy like James." When Lucy raised an eyebrow at Logan, he shrugged. "I might've studied him just a little bit over the past few days. I feel like I know him pretty well. Even if he is still hung up on some chick that he misses. Kendall, I was thinking. The way he talked...do you think this Cristina is the girl he misses? The one they said was killed?"

"I think we definitely need to look into that, because Cristina is the name of Carlos' sister. It would explain a lot."

"Oh. I...had forgotten that. Well then. But how does that make sense with—"

"Boys!" Lucy called out while clapping her hands together. "Time for this later. Right now Kendall has to go invite a guy over for a fuck."

"Dinner, Lucy," Kendall corrected. "Dinner."

"Tomato, tomahto."

"Wait a second. Why are none of us watching the feeds? What the hell are we thinking?"

At Kendall's concern, Lucy waved a hand. "They're fine. Carlos was napping and James was paging through a book."

"He reads?" Logan's face lit up.

"Comic book. Graphic novel. Sorry to get your hopes up."

"Hey, a book's a book. My man's a scholar." When Lucy rolled her eyes, Logan said, "Let me take my joy where I can get it."

"Whatever floats your boat. Knight, you ready?"

"I'm ready. Nervous, but ready."

"Just be yourself. Show them you're the most boring man on the planet."

As Kendall shifted the sweater to make sure his gun was covered and walked out the door, he prayed he'd never have to work with Stone on a case again.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This chapter was actually run by my beta first! I'm so proud of myself for having the restraint to not post it early. Not much to say here except as always, I'm so grateful to those reading this and thanks if you decide to review and share your thoughts with me!

* * *

Kendall slowly approached the front door, trying to look as if he had every right to be there. "What's happening?" he mumbled while barely moving his lips.

"Carlos is still napping. Doorbell should wake him up, though. James is sitting on the couch. Oh, scratch that. He must've heard you on the porch. Now he's headed for the plant. Be careful, he'll have the knife."

Keeping Logan's advice in mind, Kendall braced himself and rang the doorbell. Nothing happened.

"He's muttering to himself. Probably cussing Carlos out under his breath. Wow, he's hot when he's pissed. Ring it again. Carlos is sitting up in bed now. Good news, he ditched the knife. He at least trusts you that much."

The door swung open without warning before Kendall could press the bell a second time. "Oh. Hi. Michael, right?"

"Hello. More mail for me?"

"Uh, no." Kendall ducked his head and blushed, lifting up a hand to rub over the back of his neck. "I was actually looking for Carlos this time."

"He's asleep."

"No, I'm not! I'm here! Hi!"

James was shoved aside so that Carlos stood in the doorway. He ignored what Kendall was positive would be an angry glare from his right.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's totally cool, I was just laying there anyway."

The way Carlos' hair stuck up at random points belied that, but Kendall let it pass. "I was hoping we could talk for a minute. Out here."

"Uh..."

Kendall heard a low but very distinct "No" from inside the house.

"Is something wrong?" Carlos asked.

"No, it's fine, I just...well, okay. I guess I'm doing this with an audience." His face red, Kendall tried, "First, I need to make sure you're not...that you and Michael aren't..."

"We're not! He's my best friend, but there's nothing more. I swear."

"Okay, good. That makes the next question easier." Not having to fake the nerves he was feeling, Kendall asked, "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

Dead silence greeted the words, at least until Logan spoke up. "Oh, my man is raging. Worse than ever before. Kendall, he's ready to punch you."

"Dinner?" Carlos finally echoed, as if the idea of it was foreign.

Kendall cleared his throat in embarrassment. "Sorry. I must have misread you earlier, I thought...well, never mind. Wow, this is awkward. I'm just gonna go—"

"Wait, no." Carlos reached out to stop Kendall from leaving, a hand gripping his wrist firmly. "You didn't misread anything. I would love to have dinner with you."

"James is shaking his head at Carlos. He's about to go ballistic."

"Really?" Kendall smiled, allowing hope to brighten his eyes.

"Yeah. But..." In a tortured voice, Carlos continued, "I can't. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want to. It's just...a bad time. I'm sorry."

"Oh." Again, Kendall didn't have fake his feelings. He was disappointed when he nodded. "I understand. I'm sorry if I was too forward with you, if I made you uncomfortable at all."

"No, you didn't. I should've known better than to lead you on, I just...I really like you and I wanted...well, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry things can't be different."

"So am I." Taking a chance, Kendall leaned down to press a chaste kiss to Carlos' cheek. "I wish you the best."

Carlos seemed to melt under Kendall's lips. "Thanks," he whispered. "Same to you." After squeezing Kendall's wrist, he let it drop and offered a sad smile. "See you around."

"If I'm lucky."

The throwback to their first meeting wasn't lost on Carlos, whose eyes glistened with wetness. He managed a wink anyway, then firmly closed the door.

"Okay, James is about to yell. Carlos just told him not to say a word. Wow, I've never seen Carlos look so sad."

Logan's voice was a buzzing in Kendall's ear, seeming like nothing more than nonsense. As he headed down the sidewalk toward his own house, Kendall was filled with a sadness he hadn't expected. Sure, this would make the mission harder. Unless Logan was right and Carlos would defy James...

Except that he hadn't. It hadn't been James saying no, but Carlos. He'd been the one to make the decision.

It wasn't until that moment that Kendall realized just how much he'd been looking forward to spending time with Carlos. It was completely unprofessional, but he truly had wanted to give Carlos one night of happiness.

Now what?

"This is the worst fight yet. It's so bad that Carlos isn't even talking to James."

Kendall pulled out his earpiece as soon as the door was closed behind him. He didn't want to hear this. Didn't want to see the profound sadness and hopelessness that he'd brought to life in Carlos.

Lucy actually seemed genuinely sympathetic when she looked up into his face from the desk chair. "Sorry you struck out."

"It's not like we expected another outcome," Kendall shrugged. So why was he so torn up over this? Why did it bother him so much that it was Carlos who'd turned him down and not James? "I was so sure that if given the chance, Carlos would say yes. I got too cocky."

"I don't think so," Logan argued. "It's not like Carlos didn't _want_ to say yes. He probably said no because it's easier all around. That way James isn't mad at him and he's not dragging you into a life of crime."

"Carlos, will you just talk to me?"

The desperate voice called Kendall's attention to the screen, where James was pounding on Carlos' bedroom door. The scene was becoming tradition in that household, one always knocking on the other's door while the person inside the room cried. As he looked closer, though, Kendall could see that Carlos wasn't crying. He was sitting on his bed with no expression, like the light had gone out of his soul. Sensing that this was the worst Carlos had felt yet, James twisted the doorknob and stepped inside. "Talk to me."

"Go away."

"Carlos, I'm sorry, you know how sorry I am, just listen to me for—"

"Why, so you can tell me it has to be this way? So you can tell me I'm never going to have love or happiness in my life?"

"That's not what I'm saying, I—"

"So you can tell me that I'm going to die? Do you think I don't know that, James?" Carlos' voice was rising toward hysterics. "Do you think I'm not perfectly aware that my time is coming and everybody wants me dead and I'll be lucky to make it to my next birthday?"

Kendall's eyes fell closed, his heart bleeding for this man he should hate but could only feel sorrow for at the moment.

"Why do you think I want to experience this so bad? Why do you think I'd give anything to just sit down for one night with a gorgeous man and pretend like I'm worth something like that?"

"Carlos...you _are_ worth that. And maybe one day you can have it, but this isn't the time to—"

"There's never gonna be a good time, James. Not in the life I lead. I know what you're afraid of. You think I'm gonna fall in love with this guy and want a normal life with him and then get hurt when I can't have it, when I'm forced back into the life I'm supposed to live. You think I want a future."

"Don't you?"

"Yeah. Honestly, yeah, I do. But what you don't get is that I know it's not possible. I know it's never gonna happen. I watched my parents die." The tears overflowed, causing Carlos' voice to choke up as he continued. "You watched my sister die. I know I'm next. Maybe next week, maybe even tomorrow. All I want in the meantime is a little happiness, a little bit of the life I've always dreamed of. One night with a beautiful man who finds me attractive, who doesn't see me for what my family is. Who likes me just for me. That's all I wanted, James. Just one night before it's over."

By this time James' eyes were wet as well. Had Kendall looked away, he would have been surprised to find that Stone was the only one watching the scene play out who wasn't tearing up; instead Kendall's gaze remained steady on the screen, on the young man who had suffered so much and couldn't be allowed even an hour of happiness.

"I'm sorry," James whispered. He entered the room and knelt next to Carlos' bed, placing a hand on his knee. "I'm so sorry."

"I know. I just...I need to be alone."

"Sure." James was almost out the door when he called back, "I know it isn't much consolation right now, but when you're ready for dinner I'm making hot dogs and mac and cheese."

There wasn't even a flicker of interest on Carlos' face.

"I'm sorry," James murmured one last time, then he closed the door to leave Carlos to his thoughts.

In the office, Logan sat back in his chair with a sigh. "Wow. I've never seen him so upset."

"Well, you can't blame the guy," Lucy stated. "I mean, his life kind of does suck."

"I was talking about James."

"Of course you were. Is Hot Guy all you care about?"

"No! I care about the mission. Hot Guy is a part of that, so..."

Kendall left them to their bickering, needing his own time alone. He felt empty somehow, which made no sense. It wasn't his fault that Carlos was denied romance. It wasn't his fault that people were out to get Carlos.

It was, however, his fault that Carlos was forced to face that there was no hope of escape. He'd dangled in front of Carlos everything he wanted but couldn't have, and now the man was a hollow shell.

There would be no defying James or sneaking out. Carlos had lost his fight, his zest for life.

After taking extra time in the bathroom to get himself together, Kendall returned to the office. "Where's Stone?"

"She took off. Said this place is too depressing for her and if she's gonna get emotional, she'd rather it was over a television show that was fake."

"Way too much sensitivity in one body," Kendall replied sarcastically. "How does she even survive all those feelings?"

"Well, it's a shield, I'm sure. Just like James doesn't show his emotion, but I can tell he's got a lot going on inside. Did I tell you he cried himself to sleep last night?"

"Really?" Curiosity piqued even through his own hopelessness, Kendall sat down next to Logan.

"Yeah. He was looking at something on his phone. Not typing or anything, so it might've been pictures. He started crying and I was going crazy wishing I could go over there and hold him."

"Probably over this Cristina. Maybe he was involved with Carlos' sister and she died and he blames himself."

"That's what I'm thinking. Let's pass that theory on to the director and see what they can dig up about her."

"I was going to do that tonight. After dinner. Which...is never gonna happen." Kendall glanced at the monitor and asked, "Why is James pacing?"

"I think he can't live with himself right now. He keeps muttering under his breath like he was when you were at the door. I know you think he's a dick, but he actually does care about Carlos."

"I know that. I truly believe that, and that his intentions to keep Carlos safe are good. But it's killing Carlos in the process. Killing his spirit."

"Yeah. This is tearing him up just as badly as it is Carlos. I hope you know that."

"Debatable. But I do agree that he's suffering, too."

"Fuck!" James suddenly yelled, then kicked at a cabinet before turning his rage toward the refrigerator hard enough to leave a dent. "Carlos!"

From the bedroom, they could hear a faint, "Leave me alone, James."

James was not to be ignored. He turned the knob again and swung the door open with enough force to bang it back into the wall. "Carlos."

"No."

"Come out here. Let's talk."

"No."

"I mean it." When Carlos still said nothing and wouldn't even open his eyes, James sat across from him on the bed. "Look at me."

"No."

James reached out to grab at both of Carlos' hands; Carlos yanked them back. James tried again and this time didn't let go. "One night."

"What?"

"One night. One date. That is absolutely non-negotiable and you have to swear to me that you will never, ever beg me for anything like this again."

Carlos slowly opened his eyes while Kendall's breath caught and his heart began to race.

"You're not serious."

"I am," James sighed. "I'm a fucking idiot, but I'm serious. One dinner date. You can even stay long enough for a little...fun. But no spending the night, and you come back home before midnight. And then never speak to him again."

Carlos swallowed hard, afraid to believe. "How do I just not speak to him again?"

"Holy shit," Kendall whispered.

"That's your problem to figure out. Tell him you're not interested. Have your one date with him and then avoid him, and tell him it's not going to work out. Say whatever you have to. But...for one night, you can pretend it's a normal date with a gorgeous man who likes you for you."

"That part wouldn't be pretend. He _does_ like me."

"I know he does. And that scares the shit out of me, because I don't want him to be someone who's hard to get rid of. If I have to, I'll tell your uncle to find us a new place."

"You won't. I mean...I can do it. I can spend just one night and then...you mean it? You're not fucking with me?"

"Would I joke about this? I'm already second-guessing it and about to take back the offer."

"No!" Carlos hopped up from the bed. "No, no you already offered, this is happening! I'm going on a date!"

"Just one," James reminded him. "And...there's a condition."

The excitement drained out of him. "No. Absolutely not."

"Yes. It's the only way this is happening."

"How the fuck am I supposed to explain that I'm bringing a chaperone?"

"Again, that's your problem to figure out. I'm saying yes, the rest is up to you."

"James...that's not fair. I can't get anywhere with him while you're sitting right there."

"Take it or leave it."

"He'll never go for that."

"If he wants you badly enough, he will."

"You're an asshole."

"I'm the sensible one. How badly do you want to kiss Steve?"

Though Carlos was fuming, the answer to that was obvious in the way he wasn't letting it stop him. "What if he wants to take me somewhere?"

"Nope. His house or ours."

"We can't bring him here, we've got all the shit in the basement."

"Guess it'll have to be there, then. And trust me, I'm going to search the place within the first five minutes."

"Why are you making this so difficult? I just want one normal date!"

"Because I care." Carlos couldn't fight against that, and James knew it. "Are we doing this or what?"

"Well, I guess it's up to Steve and how willing he is to put up with a crazy person who brings along his best friend on a date."

"Let me know how that goes."

Carlos shook his head in exasperation. "I know why you're doing this. You think he'll say no once I mention the part about you."

"I have no idea what he's gonna do."

"Yes, you do. You're so fucking smug. Fine, I'll leave it up to him. And I'll 'figure out the details'. Are you letting me go see him alone?"

"Sure. Do me a favor, though, and get him outside to talk so I can watch from the window."

"I hate you."

"Better get over there before he makes another date for tonight..."

"I'm gonna laugh so hard when he says yes."

"Good luck with that."

In the office, Logan turned to Kendall in excitement. "You did it! I can't believe it, you did it! You got the fucking date!"

He tried to high-five Kendall, but his partner was in panic mode again. "We can't let them in this house."

"We'll figure something out. He's on his way over, get out there!"

"Logan, no. No, we can't do this. It could blow everything. It has to be at his place. Or even...anywhere but here!"

"Just go! Work it out. And don't worry about James being here, you can deal with him when the time comes. The first step is getting Carlos to spend time with you. The more time that passes, the more James will trust you, and then it'll be a breeze!"

"It's only a few hours, Logan! James won't have time to trust me! He made Carlos swear on only one night!"

"Then you'll have to change his mind. Kendall, just get out there! He's almost here!"

"This is insane."

Kendall was halfway to the front door when the bell rang. He took a quick look around the house, seeing nothing out of the ordinary that would make Carlos suspicious—a normal kitchen, sparsely-decorated living room, and—

He almost choked when he spotted a long black hair on the floor near his feet. "Lucy," he muttered, picking it up and shoving it down into a pocket. He opened the door with an expression of pleasant surprise.

"Carlos. Hi. I...didn't expect to see you again."

"I know, and I'm sorry about that. Can we...can you step outside for a minute?"

"Outside? Uh...sure. Is something wrong?"

"No, I just...well, I might as well just come out and say it. You deserve to know the truth so I'm gonna lay it all out and see if you still want to have dinner with me."

"Oh. So that's still on the table?"

"It is for me. You might change your mind after I tell you everything."

It was only then that Kendall realized he'd left his wireless and the gun inside. Praying that his instincts about Carlos were right, he nodded and followed Carlos until they were halfway down the walk. Kendall could feel James' eyes on them.

"So the good news is I really do want to have dinner with you. I wasn't lying about that."

"I know," Kendall smiled. "I could tell."

An adorable blush stained Carlos' cheeks. He looked down with a laugh and then met Kendall's gaze again. "The reason I said no...see, my buddy. J—Michael?"

Kendall let the slip pass. "Right. Your best friend. Are you telling me you lied about that? That you two are more than friends?"

"No! No, nothing like that. But he _is_ more than just my friend, he's also kind of a bodyguard."

Wishing more than ever he had his wireless so that Logan could hear this, Kendall was shocked that Carlos was so forthcoming. Just how much was he going to share? "A bodyguard?"

"Yeah. See, I've been in a few scrapes and...Michael. He takes care of me. Looks out for me. I know that's kind of weird."

"Wow. What kind of scrapes?"

"Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime," Carlos smiled. "Just know that it's because of him I said no earlier. He's...really paranoid and doesn't trust anybody."

Kendall pretended to think about that. "Does he have good reason to be that way?"

"Honestly...a little. So he's really overprotective of me and basically a huge pain in my ass but I put up with it because I know he cares, you know?"

"Sure, I can see that. And now he's okay with us going out on a date?"

"Well...here's the thing. Because he's so crazy, he's insisting that if we have dinner, he has to be there."

"Oh." Acting like the idea put a damper on things, Kendall frowned.

"So I totally understand if you don't want to have dinner with me. I know it's weird."

"It's...well, let me ask you this. Would he insist on being in the room at all times?"

"About that. I was thinking. I'm sure his plan is to be with us at every second, but I don't want that any more than you do. Not that I'm assuming anything's going to happen! I just mean—"

"Carlos," Kendall chuckled. "It's okay. You're right, I'd rather be alone with you."

"Yeah?" The idea seemed to delight Carlos.

"Oh yeah."

"Mmm, I can already tell I'm going to have a really hard time saying goodbye to you tonight."

How did Carlos manage to make him breathless with nothing more than words? "So you were thinking..."

"Oh! What if we set him up with someone?"

Kendall's face froze.

"I know it's short notice, and he's not easy to distract, but...if you know someone who would be willing to have dinner with us, that would be perfect. Then it's like a double date and he has to pay attention to someone besides us."

Maybe it _was_ better that Kendall didn't have the wireless. Logan would most likely be blowing out his eardrum with screams at this very moment. "Is he...do you think Michael would be mad about this? About us doing this without telling him?"

"Probably, but he did tell me to figure out the details. That's what I'm doing. His only conditions were that he has to come along and that it has to be at your place. He doesn't want me to be out in public where it's easy for someone to...you know."

"Hurt you?"

"Right. So someplace private is best. Oh, and I have to be home by midnight. That was the other condition."

"Just like Cinderella," Kendall commented. "Have to get you home before you go back to your drab life." He knew it was a mistake the moment the glimmer faded from Carlos' eyes.

"Yeah. Before I go back to that. So...what do you say? I know it's a lot ask, I come with a lot of baggage, but how about we just spend one evening together and enjoy each others' company?"

Kendall nodded slowly, liking the sound of that. "I'm in."

"Do you know someone who can tag along?"

"Um...well, it's funny that you mention it, I do have a friend coming into town today. I was supposed to meet up with him tomorrow but I'm sure he'd be fine with dinner tonight. Especially when I tell him how good-looking your friend is. Or...is he into girls?"

"He prefers dudes." Carlos leaned forward to whisper, "Brunet is best. He can't resist a brunet with big brown eyes."

For one terrifying moment, Kendall feared that they'd seen Logan. They knew everything, they'd set up cameras inside the house. This was all a set-up, and once they were in the house they were going to kill them both. Because what were the chances that James' type was exactly like his partner? He forced himself to relax, though, and instead planted a lingering kiss on Carlos' neck. "He's in luck, then. My buddy is exactly what he's looking for."

Carlos hummed at the touch, a hand coming up between them to grip Kendall's sweater. "Seriously?"

"I swear. It's almost too perfect."

"Yeah." Carlos leaned away, his eyes showing that he wanted to do the exact opposite. "What time?"

"Uh...let me call my buddy but six should be good. If anything changes, I'll be over to let you know."

"Sounds good. You really think I'm worth all this? All the hassle it takes to date me?"

Kendall tilted Carlos' chin up and replied with complete sincerity, "I do."

"Yeah?" Carlos' voice had gone soft, his eyes begging for it to be true.

"Yeah," Kendall smiled, tempted to lean down and kiss Carlos right then and there but holding back because they _should_ still try to keep a low profile. There would be time for that later, he hoped. He needed to do this right. "So I'll see you at—wait! Don't go anywhere!"

Kendall suddenly ran back inside the house, leaving Carlos to stare after him in confusion. He was back in a matter of seconds, the bouquet of flowers held out in front of him. "These are for you. I meant to take them with me earlier when I went over to ask you out, but...I forgot."

Carlos couldn't come up with words. He reached out for the flowers and stared at them in wonder before doing the same to Kendall.

"Is that...okay? I know flowers are kind of cliché and...maybe not a thing for dudes, but...I don't know. It felt right."

All Carlos was capable of was, "You got me flowers."

Unsure as to what might be running through Carlos' mind, Kendall offered, "I can take them back if it's a problem."

"No!" The bouquet was crushed to Carlos' chest in a death grip. "Absolutely not! These...this is..." Meeting Kendall's eyes with an expression that probably would've made Lucy puke, he said quietly, "You got me flowers."

Kendall grinned down at Carlos and kissed his cheek again. "Six o'clock. Don't get all fancy on me, it's just a relaxed dinner. With friends, apparently."

"We won't even know they're there." After using his trademark wink on Kendall, Carlos ran back to his house.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

We haven't made it to the date yet, that will come next chapter. This one's just the lead-up to it. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you like it! :)

* * *

Kendall's grin continued as he sauntered into the office, where this time he participated in the high five Logan had waiting for him.

"Damn, you're good. I saw his face with the flowers. He's so smitten."

"He's adorable, isn't he? He wanted to kiss me, I could tell."

"Yeah, James was pretty incensed over the whole thing. He was cussing up a storm watching you two together. The flowers really pissed him off. Five bucks says they're already yelling at each other."

Kendall made himself comfortable behind the desk while Logan pulled up the feeds that would show their "dates." Sure enough, James was fuming as he paced the living room.

"You told me to do it." Carlos was smug, sitting on the back of the couch and sniffing at the flowers.

"He wasn't supposed to say yes. What kind of asshole agrees to a date with the best friend along?"

"Well, I explained the situation. That you're my bodyguard and—"

"You WHAT?!" That had James' motion stopping so that he whirled to face Carlos, enraged. "You didn't. You did _not_ fucking _tell_ a perfect stranger that your life is in danger." When Carlos only shrugged, James screamed, "You're insane! You don't care about anything, do you? You're gonna fucking die and you don't even care!"

"I do care, James. Calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down!"

"Look, my uncle once told me that the best way to lie is to throw in a little truth to make it believable. That's all I did."

"No." James obviously didn't want to know the answer to his next question. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him that you worry about me because you're my friend and that you look out for me because I've been in a few scrapes. And that's why you insisted on coming along. He gets it."

"He told you all that?" Logan asked with a raised eyebrow.

Kendall nodded. "Also that his life might be in danger."

"Wow. No wonder they put you on this job. You can get anyone to spill their secrets."

"And it didn't occur to him to ask _why_ you need protection?" James was asking now.

"Nope. He just wanted to know if you'd be in the room with us the whole time. Wants to make sure we get alone time."

An unamused laugh broke free from James. "You know...that actually makes me feel better about him. It shouldn't, it should set off all my alarm bells, but at least now I know he just wants to fuck you. That's so typical."

"He actually likes me, you know."

Realizing his harsh words had hurt Carlos, James sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm sure he does, but...he doesn't even know you. You've barely spoken to him, so...how much can he really like other than what he sees?"

"Some people just have chemistry, okay? You don't get that, you've never had it. But sometimes you can just look at a person and know."

"And is that what you're telling me happened here? You two just looked at each other and...knew?" James asked with skepticism.

"I can't really know what he's feeling. But for me...yeah. I thought he was cute. Then I caught him staring and we talked that first time, and...yeah. I couldn't stop thinking about him."

"Carlos..." Digging inside for patience, James took a breath. "I don't want you to get hurt. I can tell you're already in over your head with this guy and—"

"I'm not. I know it's just for one night. But come on, man, let me enjoy this one night. I mean...he got me flowers."

James rolled his eyes. "What do you even know about him?"

"He's a writer."

"A writer?"

"Yeah. He writes books."

"You're going out with a guy who writes books."

"Yep."

"Anything else?"

"He goes outside when he's stuck."

"You realize I'm going to interrogate the fuck out of him." Shaking his head over Carlo's lovesick face, James gave up. "Fine. But I don't leave the room."

"James—"

"No. That's final. You want to get it on, I'm right there. My eyes are not leaving you for one second tonight."

Carlos' response was another smug smile. "We'll just see about that. What time is it?"

James whipped out his phone to check. "Almost three."

"Okay, that gives us three hours to get ready. I'm gonna go shower."

"Don't expect me to dress up for this guy."

"Hey, just because it's my date, that doesn't mean you get to be a slob. You want to come, you go through the paces. Do your hair. Wear something...oh, I know. How about that green sweater? The dark one that brings out your eyes?"

James' gaze narrowed on Carlos. "Are you trying to set him up with me or you?"

"Please, you're not getting within two feet of Steve. My goal is to keep him interested, you know. One good look at you and it'll be five times as hard."

"Carlos, I'm not out to steal your man. Trust me, he's not even my type."

"That's what I'm counting on. Green sweater. Black jeans. Maybe uh...do up your hair a little."

"Get out of my face, Carlos."

"Remember, your name is Michael!"

"My name's gonna be Killer if you don't shut the fuck up."

"Put these in water for me!" Carlos tossed the bouquet to James before calling out a "woohoo!" and running down the hall toward his bedroom.

"It's one night," James said under his breath. "One night, James. He deserves this. You can get through one night."

Still trying to convince himself, James went to the kitchen to search for a tall cup for the flowers.

"Oh, this is gonna be fun," Logan grinned. "James will be right here in this house and...oh. Crap. I can't even watch. We don't have cameras inside. Not our smartest move."

"Well, that answers a question I had earlier. So uh...about this date."

"It's definitely going to be hard to get Carlos to spill anything. He won't say a word with James around. But if it goes well, Carlos will insist on more dates and hopefully by then James will trust you enough to leave you alone with Carlos."

"Yeah. So Carlos came up with a way to keep James out of our hair."

"Really? He's crazy, nothing will take James' focus off him. The guy's like a Terminator with one mission, and that's to protect Carlos. Nothing else matters to him."

"That's why we're counting on you to change that."

Logan blinked. "On me? What do you want me to do, make a bunch of noise so James comes to investigate and then I lock him in here? As much as I'd enjoy being in a room with that guy for a few hours, it's obviously going to make him suspicious," he joked.

Kendall grinned. "He had a better idea. How would you like to have dinner with James tonight?"

The smile died. "James? What, you mean...you're not serious."

"I am. Carlos suggested I bring along a friend to keep James occupied. Asked if I knew anyone who might be interested for one night. Also informed me that James is into brunets with brown eyes."

Logan's face drained of color. "That's not funny, Kendall."

"I think it's hilarious, actually. But he was telling the truth. I think. Either way, I told him that I have a friend in town that I would call up and invite. Think you can handle the torture of being a blind date to Hot Guy for the evening?"

"No. No, absolutely not."

"Wait, what? Are you kidding me? Why are you not jumping at the chance for this? I thought you'd be happy!"

"Are _you_ kidding _me?_ Hello, look at me! That guy is so out of my league!"

"Logan, you're being ridiculous. You're not that nerdy kid with braces and acne anymore!"

"I always will be on the inside! Why do you think I don't date? Why do you think I spend all my time with technology? It loves me no matter what!"

"Logan." Kendall couldn't keep a short laugh inside. "Seriously. You're gorgeous. He's going to like you and this is going to work."

"No! No it's not, he doesn't even know I'll be here!" Logan could no longer contain his nervous energy and stood up to pace the room. "This is insane! The man's already pissed off about this whole thing and now you expect me to throw myself in front of his rage? The second he finds out someone else is here, he's gonna go ballistic. He'll take Carlos and run, there is no way he's going to allow this. He's too smart for that."

"Logan. Please. We have to take this shot. It's the only way James would agree to it and I can't get anywhere with him around. I need you to distract him."

"He's not even gonna take a second look at me! Why would you think—wait. Wait, I thought he liked girls."

"Carlos said he prefers men."

"Oh, Jesus. This is...no. This can't happen. There's no way I'm anything close to being enough to distract a guy like that. He's beautiful. He's...he won't look at someone like me."

"He won't have a choice, because you're going to force him to."

"I am not even slightly capable of seducing someone. Especially not a guy like that!"

"Logan."

Logan shook his head adamantly as he paced, chest heaving with his shallow breaths.

"He's lonely. Carlos said it himself."

"That doesn't mean—"

"Think about the guy who cried himself to sleep last night. Doesn't he deserve a little happiness, too? Even for one night?"

"I'm not what he needs."

"I think you are. I think you know him better than anyone at this point, except maybe Carlos. I need you to get in there and break down his defenses."

"I'm not the guy for this."

"It's your mission. This is our job. They sent us in to do this."

"Yeah, I'm just supposed to run equipment here. I have no skills with people. I freeze up around gorgeous men."

"So you're telling me you can't complete this mission?"

"I'm telling you I can't seduce a hunk of perfection like James."

"Fine. I'll bring someone else in."

"Good."

"You can sit in this room and not know what's going on. Imagine some other dude all over him, sitting on his lap...maybe even sitting on the kitchen counter being kissed while they cook dinner together."

Logan threw a betrayed glance Kendall's way. "That's not fair."

"I'm just saying, Logan. I can call the director and get someone here that can do the job. Or you can finally have a chance with a guy like that."

"It's just for one fucking night."

"That's my point exactly. One night that you wouldn't otherwise get to be with the kind of man you've always dreamed of. How can you walk away from that?"

Logan's nostrils were flaring, his breathing still stilted. "Who's gonna watch the house? I mean, what if someone breaks in over there? What if Javier comes looking for Carlos?"

"He won't find him. Carlos will be safe with us. And so will James. Stop looking for excuses. I know you can do this. I _need_ you to do this."

Logan fell into his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, mouth set while his head shook adamantly back and forth. "It's never gonna work. All I'm gonna do is annoy him with my presence. And even worse, if you do get Carlos alone then I'm stuck with James and it's awkward and we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about and he's so busy worrying about Carlos that it's like I'm not even there and no, Kendall, no, I can't do this."

Standing over Logan, Kendall let out a long sigh and nodded. "Okay. I'll get someone else."

"Thank you."

"Right after I shower. I'll have to hit the grocery store and buy stuff to make him dinner, which I'm horrible at, by the way. Maybe you can at least help me with that."

"Whatever."

"If you change your mind..."

"No." Practically trembling at the mere thought, Logan shook his head again. "Not happening."

"Okay."

Saddled with too much nervous energy to contain, Logan abruptly rose from the chair once Kendall had disappeared. He kept half his attention on the wireless as he moved around the kitchen in search of supplies to make coffee, hearing James do something similar in his own.

"Crazy," Logan muttered. "You're fucking crazy, Kendall."

In his ear, he heard, "What the fuck am I gonna do with you, Carlos?"

Logan paced while the coffee was dripping into a pot, hands tightly tucked under his armpits. "Like I could ever have even half a chance with a guy like that. He'd take one look at me and then never look again. Like I didn't even exist."

"Why can't you just listen to me for once? This guy could be undercover, we could be walking right into his trap, you just don't think." James' voice was soft enough that Logan knew he was talking to himself.

"Exactly. You're the smart one. Way too smart for me. You'd see through me in a second. Kendall's insane to think I could pull this off. I don't care how much I want you, how badly I'd kill for a chance to touch you."

"Fine. You want a fuck? Have a fuck. Must be nice."

Logan stopped pacing, the words from inside his ear waking up his body. James _was_ lonely.

And that was fine. The director would bring in some irresistible agent with dark hair and eyes, probably one that could pass for a model. James was tough, but he was also denying himself basic human needs. Logan knew better than anyone that James had urges. Hadn't he watched James take care of those urges twice now?

"And I have to sit there and watch you get off with some dude when I can't even look at anyone because I'm too busy trying to save your life. Thanks, Carlos."

Logan poured himself a cup of coffee, movements slow and measured while he tried to come to terms with what his brain was shoving into his consciousness. James was lonely and denying himself company. James was going to be forced to make conversation and sit next to a stranger who could provide that company. Because even if he didn't want it, he did.

Logan could be that stranger.

It took another ten seconds for the decision to be made. Leaving the coffee on the counter, Logan strode down the hall and poked his head into the bathroom, where he was immediately enveloped in steam. "Kendall?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"I'm in."

In the shower, Kendall grinned as water cascaded over his face. He'd accomplished the task without even saying a word.

* * *

An hour later found them at the grocery store. They'd snuck Logan out via the backseat of the car Kendall had been assigned, where he'd hunkered down until they were a mile from the house. Lucy was currently monitoring their target while crunching chips loudly in their ears.

"Anything new?" Kendall asked her as he and Logan crossed the parking lot.

"Your boy's trying to figure out if he should wear a button-down or if a nice cotton t-shirt is okay. He just asked Hot Guy what exactly you meant by 'relaxed.'"

Kendall grinned at the vision, wishing he could see that in person. "He's so cute. How about James?"

"Telling Carlos to shut the fuck up and stop acting like a junior high kid getting ready for his first date. Oh, he just got annoyed and slammed his bedroom door. What a dick. He must be _really_ nervous about tonight."

"He is," Logan commented. "Terrified we're the enemy. Which...you know."

"We are," Kendall agreed. "That's why I'm counting on Logan here to soften him up. Hey, grab us a shopping cart, would ya? Thanks. I hope he at least showers for Logan."

"Well, considering he doesn't even know I'll be there, I don't expect much." They'd made it through two aisles when Logan suddenly asked, "Do you think he'll wear the green sweater?"

Kendall chuckled. "We'll find out. So I was thinking steak, but I don't really know how to cook it properly."

"It's not hard, just pop it in the broiler. Brush some garlic butter over it first."

"See? This is why I need you. You're in charge of dinner tonight."

After rolling his eyes, Logan took control of the cart and wheeled it around the store while Kendall trailed behind. Just in case, Kendall grabbed two bags of cheese puffs and a box of popcorn. "You never know," he shrugged when Logan raised an eyebrow. "We might watch a movie."

Logan swallowed hard at the thought of being shoved up against James on the love seat. "Let's just focus on getting through dinner. Dessert?"

"Ice cream. He loves ice cream."

"Fine, but we need something more than that. I'm picking up a pie."

"Whatever you want."

By the time they arrived at the checkout, Logan thought they had the makings of a perfect romantic dinner. That part wouldn't be hard, it was trying to distract James that was the problem.

"Hey," Kendall said, reading Logan's thoughts and resting a hand on his shoulder while they waited for the total. "It's gonna be fine. He'll like you."

Logan knew better, but hoped he could at least keep James entertained long enough for Kendall to get somewhere with Carlos. That was the mission, and the mission was all that mattered.

* * *

They spent the drive home from the grocery store putting together a cover story of their history as "friends" and making sure they were on the same page in case James tried to trip either of them up. This time Logan rode along in the passenger seat, as it made sense that Kendall would've picked him up and brought him back to the house.

"Are they watching?" Kendall asked Lucy, praying the answer would be negative because they needed James to be surprised by Logan's presence; if he knew there was a second person involved, they'd never even get Carlos inside the house.

"You're in luck, Hot Guy's showering. Carlos guilted him into making himself somewhat presentable."

"Perfect," Kendall smiled, while Logan's comment was, "Damn, I'm missing that."

Kendall pulled into the garage before they exited, grabbing the groceries. "Don't you dare run off and watch him. I need you in that kitchen."

"We've got time, it's fine. Besides, I still need to shower and get ready. Holy shit, I haven't been on a date since high school. This is torture."

"You dated? I thought you stayed away from romance."

"I tried it a few times. Never worked out well."

"I'm sorry. I wish this could be an opportunity for you to finally experience it the way it's meant to be."

"I don't even care about that; I'm just worried about being in the same room with him. I'm going to make a fool of myself."

Setting down the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, Kendall turned to Logan with a sigh. "You're going to be fine. It's okay to be a little nervous, that might actually win him over some. Just...be yourself."

Lucy's voice preceded her appearance. "Offer him a blow job. That'll win him over. Ooo, cheese puffs?" She started to snatch one of the bags that was peeking out, but Kendall's grip on her wrist stopped her.

"Those are for Carlos. You need to be leaving anyway."

"What, you don't want me on the monitors so you can focus on your date?"

"Absolutely not," Kendall replied with a shake of his head. "I don't want you anywhere near this place while we're trying to make this work. What's Carlos doing?"

"Yelling at James to hurry up in the shower because he needs advice on which shoes to wear. The guy's adorable, Kendall."

"I know he is. We still have two hours and he's worried about his shoes." Flashing a soft smile in Logan's direction, Kendall asked, "What shoes are _you_ gonna wear, Jeff?"

A shudder of repulsion ran through Logan at the fake name they'd decided on for him. "I really didn't bring much with me in the way of nice clothing. You don't need to dress up to be in charge of equipment."

"I've got some things you can wear. Jeans should be fine. Lucy, what's James wearing?"

"Right now, his birthday suit."

Logan managed to wait all of three seconds before running off to the office.

"He's really nervous," Kendall shared quietly. "I don't know what to expect."

"He'll be fine," Lucy promised. "I'm sure there's nobody who's studied this guy the way Logan has, and that'll help him once he gets in there. He'll know how to talk to him."

"I hope so. He just needs to get over the idea that he's unworthy of a guy like James."

"Well, James _is_ really hot. But that doesn't mean he's immune to the charms of a nerd. Logan's a good guy and I think that will show. He'll have James' trust in no time."

"You really think so? The guy's extremely paranoid."

"Logan's got this," Lucy said again. "Just tell him to trust his instincts. You want me to hang around while you're both getting ready? Might hear something good."

"Yeah, that's fine, I guess. Just...please leave before they show up. I can't take any chances."

Lucy nodded. "You got your outfit planned out?"

"Not really. Should I shave again or just...?"

"Shave. He likes the shy, innocent thing."

"Good point. Maybe _I'll_ wear a sweater, too."

"There you go. Well, 'Jeff' should be done jacking off in there, so I'm gonna get back to it." Lucy glanced back from the doorway "Hey. You'll be great. And so will Logan. You two can pull this off."

Taking a deep breath, Kendall nodded and prayed she was right. "Thanks." He stopped her just before she disappeared. "Hey. Stone." When she spun back, he tossed her a bag of cheese puffs. "Here. We got two, and one should be enough."

A genuine smile greeted the kind gesture. "Thanks, Knight. Your name suits you."

Once left alone, Kendall rubbed his face and tried to shake off the nerves that were building. He hoped Carlos would think so, too.

* * *

"They're doing a last-minute check of themselves!" Lucy yelled out. "You've got about five minutes!"

"That's your cue to get out!" Kendall called back. He stepped back from the table he'd set and studied it, wondering if the candles were too much. Then again, the flowers had been well received. "Logan! You ready?"

"Almost! Just finishing up my...fuck!" There was a clatter as something was either dropped or thrown down on the bathroom counter. "Lucy! Help!"

"On it!"

Kendall gave the living room and kitchen a final lookover before rushing to the office to spy James fixing Carlos' collar and giving him a little pep talk that was punctuated with, "Remember, it's just one night. You don't need to impress him beyond that."

"I still need to impress him enough to score. That's probably too much to ask on a first date, though, isn't it?"

"Might be," James agreed. "But he does seem interested in that."

"I just want one night of that, you know? One night to let it all go and enjoy a man for once."

"Midnight. That's as long as you get with him."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Carlos sighed. He let his gaze roam down James' body, then back up again. "You barely touched your hair."

"I'm not the one who needs to impress him."

"Well, at least you wore the sweater for me. It really does bring out your eyes."

"Carlos, I didn't know you cared," James grinned mockingly.

"You know, I think you're excited about this."

"Excited? About putting you in danger? No."

"Stop thinking of it like that for two seconds. Come on, James, it'll be fun. He's a nice guy!"

"And a guy we don't even know. So stop trying to convince me he's wonderful when you don't even know him yourself."

"I know enough to know I'll want a second date," Carlos smiled.

"Not happening. Get your shoes on, it's almost six."

"Lucy, get out!" Kendall yelled. "They're about to leave!"

"We're good!" she screamed back, then dashed into the office long enough to grab what was left of the cheese puffs. "You look great. You got this!" She shocked Kendall with a quick kiss on the lips. "For luck!" With that, Lucy ran out of the room again. "Logan, come here and let me kiss you!"

"Let you...what?" Kendall heard his cry of surprise as her lips made contact. "What the hell, Lucy?"

"He'll eat you up. Stop messing with your hair, it's perfect. Bye, guys!"

Kendall and Logan met up in the hallway just in time to hear the back door close. They looked each other over and nodded. "You ready?" Kendall asked.

"Nope. My heart's about to explode. How does he look?"

"Go see for yourself, then we have to shut this down."

"We don't have time for all that. Just turn off the monitors and lock the door. Actually...let me handle it."

"I want you in the kitchen until they're inside. He can't know you're here before that or he won't let Carlos in."

"Fine. I need to start dinner anyway."

Logan rushed out toward the kitchen, Kendall watching him attempt to remain calm. "We can do this," he said under his breath. "It's a date. Just get Carlos in bed with me, or as close as I can get, and let Logan handle the rest."

As Kendall was reaching out to turn off the last monitor, Carlos grabbed James' hand to keep him from stepping outside. "Thanks for this. I know you're scared and I understand why, but it's gonna happen at some point no matter what. Someone's gonna get me. Thank you for letting me have this before that day comes."

"Carlos..." James sighed, shoulders dropping. "Don't..."

"We both know it."

Rather than say another word, James leaned down to kiss Carlos on the forehead. "Have fun tonight, okay?"

"You're letting me go alone?" Carlos gasped with wide eyes.

"Let's not get carried away. I'm just saying...I'll do what I can do let you enjoy yourself."

"Thank you, James," Kendall whispered. "Now just let Logan do his thing, and we should be good." He pushed a button to darken the last screen, then made sure there would be no sounds coming from this room. Satisfied, he shut off the lights and locked the door before pocketing the key. "They're on the way!"

"Thanks for sending my stress level through the roof with that information!" was called out from the kitchen.

"You might be kissing Hot Guy in two hours!"

"In my dreams!"

Kendall peeked through the kitchen doorway. "You know him best. Just use what you know."

Logan nodded slowly as he transferred a thick steak from its package to a foil-covered broiler pan. "That's the plan."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Looks like the date is going to stretch over three chapters, so this is part one of that. Hope you like it! :)

This is also where one of you will scream "I was right! I knew it!" You know who you are haha.

* * *

Kendall opened the door with a smile, not having to fake that once he laid eyes on Carlos. His date was dressed in relaxed jeans and shoes that were a neon orange this time, the ensemble completed with a deep red button-down shirt. "Hey, you."

"Hi," Carlos grinned, the pleased expression telling Kendall that he'd chosen well with his own outfit of jeans and a long-sleeved tee containing buttons over his chest that would be easy to undo.

"I like the shoes."

"Thought you might," Carlos winked before moving into the foyer to allow James to step up. "You've met Michael."

"Hi, yeah. Come on in."

James nodded politely, then took up a spot behind Carlos while letting his gaze roam their surroundings as Kendall closed the front door.

"I didn't bring flowers or anything," Carlos blushed. "The truth is...I'm not too experienced with dating so this is kind of new to me."

"Well, don't worry about that. I admit I'm not a player, but I've been on a few dates. Hopefully enough to impress you tonight."

Carlos took a chance and stepped close enough to slide his arms around Kendall's waist. "You're already well on your way. You look gorgeous."

Something in the way Carlos was staring up at him made Kendall's mouth go dry. He licked his lips and communicated that the advance was welcome by hugging Carlos closer to him. "That was my exact thought about you when I opened the door."

James interrupted with, "I could really use a bathroom right about now."

Knowing that the harsh words were James' way of gaining an excuse to explore the house, Kendall only smiled and offered, "Down the hall and to your right. I'm gonna go check on Jeff and see how dinner's coming along. Join me, Carlos?"

"Of course!"

Having expected it, Kendall continued to lead Carlos toward the kitchen when James' motion came to a halt. James had almost made it to the hallway but turned back abruptly to ask, "Jeff? Who the hell is Jeff?"

"Oh, did I forget to mention that?" Carlos said innocently. "Steve has a friend visiting from out of town so we invited him for dinner."

James stared in stunned silence at Carlos.

"I hope that's okay," Kendall tried, letting a touch of his nerves surface and feeling Carlos' hand squeeze tighter into his side. "Carlos said it wouldn't be a problem."

James' shock was slowly morphing into outrage that Kendall knew would blow any second. He braced himself and waited for the explosion, but what came next was a friendly voice from their right.

"Oh, perfect, I was just about to put the steaks on." Taking in the sight of Carlos and Kendall standing with their arms around each other, Logan smiled and held out his hand. "Hi. Carlos, right?"

"Yeah! Hey man, nice to meet you!" Carlos took his hand and shook it enthusiastically. "This is my buddy Michael."

Kendall knew Logan well enough to recognize the flash of terror that passed through his gaze just before Logan spun to greet James. When he got there, though, his body language was relaxed and confident. "Hey. Jeff."

James didn't move. Instead, he ignored the outstretched hand and continued to stare in that same stunned silence at Logan. When it continued to draw out, Kendall stepped in because he knew Logan's terror was ratcheting up a thousand notches. "Jeff's staying with me for a few days. He was going to do a hotel but we figured this might be easier since he's having dinner here and we're getting lunch together tomorrow."

Logan's arm slowly lowered. He took a step backward toward the kitchen and crossed his arms over his chest. "Everyone okay with garlic butter on their steak?"

Rather than answer that question, James finally tore his gaze from Logan and centered it on Carlos. "We're leaving."

"Jay, come on. Don't do this. You promised."

"Yeah, and _you_ promised it would just be the three of us."

"I never actually said that. You told me to work out the details. That's all I did."

"Carlos...no." James had had enough. "Steve, I'm sorry, none of this is your fault, but I can't allow this to happen. You know my fears and you still—"

"Don't blame him," Carlos argued. "It was my idea. I just needed one night."

James shook his head. "I'm sorry. Uh...Jeff?"

Logan stood up straighter at being addressed, his body cold when that intense gaze settled on it.

"I'm sure you're a great guy," James continued, "but...I'm not looking to hook up with anyone. I wasn't told about this and I can't do it. Sorry."

Logan shrugged like it was no big deal. "You don't owe me anything."

"This was a mistake." James stormed to the front door and opened it. "Carlos, let's go."

One arm still wrapped around Kendall, Carlos stiffened his spine. "No."

"No?!"

Though he was obviously hesitant to piss James off further, Carlos shook his head. "No. I'm staying. You can stay or go, I don't care. But I'm not leaving."

Everyone in the room knew that was a lie; Carlos _did_ care. "Michael," Kendall began softly, "he's safe here. I promise. I'd never let anything happen to him."

"Look, I'm not saying you'd willingly put him in danger, but you don't know the risks. I can't take that chance."

Carlos swallowed hard. "I can. I'm going to. Just once I need a little fun in my life." When James showed no signs of wavering, Carlos sighed and stepped outside of Kendall's grip. "Come talk to me for a minute."

"We're leaving."

"Just...come talk to me." He spun back and lifted up onto his toes long enough to peck a quick kiss to Kendall's lips. "Don't go anywhere."

The kiss threw Kendall mentally off balance so that he could only nod in a semi-dazed fashion. "I'll be here," he breathed.

The slamming of the front door jolted him. He glanced over at Logan, whose entire body deflated as he said, "Well. That went about as well as I expected."

"I'm sorry, dude."

"For what? He's just doing his job and trying to keep his friend safe." He couldn't hide the deep disappointment as he added, "At least I got to hear him say my name. Or...the fake one, anyway."

"Carlos slipped. Did you catch that?"

"Yeah, I heard. Called him Jay."

"Do we bring it up at all?"

"At this point I don't even know if we'll see Carlos again, so...it doesn't really matter. Holy crap, he looks good in that sweater. He looks good in _person_. Just being in the same room with him, it's like there's electricity crackling in the air."

"Damn, I wish we could hear what they're saying. Do you think they went back to the house?"

"I don't know. It's not like I can sit in the office and watch him tonight anyway, not if Carlos stays. Don't worry, I'll cook dinner and then disappear into my room. You guys won't even know I'm here."

The dejected tone made Kendall feel horrible. "I'm sorry. I really thought maybe he'd...I don't know. Take one look at you and thaw out."

Logan tossed him a sad smile. "No, for that you should've gotten the hot model type that the director would've chosen. I'm just...me. Nothing special."

"Logan, you're so much more than—"

The sudden opening of the door cut off Kendall's sentence. They both turned their attention to Carlos, who winked at Kendall as he stepped through. Shockingly, James followed suit.

"Sorry about all that," Carlos apologized. "We're gonna stay and have dinner with you guys, if that's still okay?"

Kendall's grin was answer enough, but he added, "Of course it's okay!" He swept Carlos into his arms and kissed him properly, feeling it all the way to his toes when Carlos returned the affection.

Hands in pockets and head down, James couldn't meet Logan's eyes. Taking it for the sign of disinterest that it was, Logan spun on his heel and headed back to the kitchen.

"Bathroom was to the right?" James suddenly asked.

"Mmm," Kendall hummed in response, then broke away. "Sorry, yeah. Hey uh...thanks for this. I know why you're scared and I get it. But I promise he's completely safe."

"Yeah, I'll believe that when we're back home later. And just so you know, he has to leave by midnight. That was our deal."

"He told me that. It's fine. But that leaves us six hours to have dinner and do whatever else we come up with, so...how about some appetizers? I think Jeff put something together for us."

"Awesome!" Carlos exclaimed, dragging Kendall toward the kitchen. "Michael, we'll be in here!"

Though the thought of James wandering around the house alone made Kendall nervous, he reminded himself there was nothing incriminating outside the locked room and tried to relax.

They found Logan crushing garlic. "Hey Jeff, I'm really sorry about all that," Carlos smiled. "He gets kind of crazy and worries about me. Part of the whole bodyguard thing."

"No apology necessary. We've got stuffed mushrooms ready, but since I know a lot of people don't like mushrooms I also put together some bruschetta. Steve, it's all right there on the counter, just take both trays out there."

"I don't even know what bruschetta is," Carlos admitted, "but if it's that tomato thing, I'm sure I'm gonna love it. Can I help with anything?"

"You can take this one," Kendall answered, passing Carlos a tray of appetizers. He picked up the second one just as James stepped into the kitchen.

"Dude!" Carlos exclaimed. "Look, doesn't this stuff look amazing?"

James glanced down before asking in an impressed voice, "You make bruschetta?"

"Not me," Kendall grinned. "Jeff's the food guy around here. If it was me cooking for us tonight, we'd be doing frozen pizzas and bagged salad."

"Yes, Steve, we all know you're grateful I'm here for that reason alone," Logan joked. "Get out of here and let me finish dinner. Oh wait, how does everyone like their steak? And are we all good with garlic butter?"

"No blood in mine, please," Carlos replied. "Anything else is fine!"

Kendall nodded. "You know I like mine the same way. Carlos, would you care to join me in front of the fireplace? I think it's chilly enough we can turn that on tonight."

"Ooo, that sounds romantic. Let's do it!"

"Not so fast." James stopped Carlos' motion long enough to grab two miniature toasts covered in tomato and cheese. "You guys don't get to hog all the food. What did Steve take out there?"

"Mushrooms," Logan supplied, gesturing with his head for Carlos to go on. "Not everyone likes those, though."

"Some people really don't have any taste," James commented. "Stuffed mushrooms are amazing if they're done right."

"Well, I just did it the way I like it. Crab and bacon mixed with cream cheese. A little cheddar melted over the tops."

"Oh, hell. I'll be right back."

Logan chuckled and stopped James. "Hang on, take a plate! Bring back enough for both of us."

"Thanks." James dropped the slices of bruschetta on the plate Logan held out, then escaped with it.

Kendall smiled from his crouch near the fireplace as James joined them in the living room. "He's safe, I promise."

"I know, I know. I came out for food."

"Here!" Carlos held up both trays. "This stuff's amazing!"

"Damn, I forgot the wine," Kendall muttered. "Uh, Michael, would you have Jeff bring that out here? I think he had it chilling."

Both stayed quiet as their gazes met. It was Carlos who finally said, "Actually, we don't drink. Probably should've told you that earlier."

"Oh, that's no problem. Unless you can't partake in beer of the root variety, either?"

Carlos' face lit up. "I love root beer!"

Having known that, Kendall gave himself a mental pat on the back. "That's fine with me. Michael, would you...?"

"Sure."

"Steve's starting a romantic fire for me," Carlos shared.

James rolled his eyes as he escaped the room. "Pretty sure I'll be needing the bathroom a thousand times before midnight."

In the kitchen, Logan was just finishing preparing the garlic butter. "Oh, good, you're here. How do you like your steak?"

"Pink and juicy, unlike those lovesick heathens in the living room. Medium's great."

"I couldn't agree more. Who wants to eat steak that takes an hour to chew through? And then you need an entire glass of wine just to get it down your throat."

"Exactly. I grabbed us some of the appetizers before they devour it all. And...sorry, we didn't mention before that we don't drink alcohol. Steve said you guys had root beer, though?"

"Yeah, it's in the fridge. Glasses are up in that cupboard there. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to command you or anything. I can get it all as soon as I slide these into the broiler."

"No, it's fine, I got it. I might as well make myself useful if I'm stuck here."

Logan had no reply to that, continuing to brush garlic butter over the steaks.

"Hey, look," James said abruptly, leaning back against the counter to address Logan. "I know you must think I'm an asshole after the way I acted earlier. I'm not going to defend my behavior. I have my reasons for being overprotective of Carlos, as I'm sure Steve explained to you."

Logan worked hard to not look at James as he sprinkled spices over the steaks. "Actually, he didn't say much about you. All he said was that he really wanted a date with this cute guy that lived down the street and in order for it to happen, he needed me to be here."

James absorbed that. "That's it? He didn't mention that I'm like...a bodyguard?"

"Nope. But at least now your behavior from earlier makes sense."

"Oh. Well." James waited for Logan to set the pan inside the broiler and close it before continuing. "I'm not looking to hook up. If he made it sound like a double date, I'm sorry. That's not what's gonna happen here."

"Michael, it's fine," Logan chuckled. "I'm not looking for that either. I'm just helping a friend out."

"Really?"

"Really. I'm not very good with people. I don't date much, and the truth is I'm more comfortable around machines than I am humans. People are too complicated."

"Exactly!" James exclaimed. "You get it! Relationships are hard. So much emotional chaos and you don't think clearly, you're too caught up in whatever you're feeling to use good judgment, and next thing you know, you're crying over someone."

"Right?" Logan agreed. _"So_ not worth all that. Damn, I can't use the timer on the microwave because I need it for the potatoes. Where did I leave my phone?"

"I got it," James offered. He freed his phone from his jeans pocket, Logan watching surreptitiously as James punched in a set of numbers to unlock the screen. "How long, you think?"

"Uh...let's go five minutes and I'll check on them. Theirs will take longer."

James set the timer on his phone before laying it on the counter and locking the screen again.

"Hey, where's that root beer?" reached them from the living room.

"Relax, it's coming!" James yelled. "He's like a child sometimes, I swear."

"He seems nice," Logan grinned. "Steve sure likes him."

"Yeah, that's mutual. Here, have some bruschetta before I eat it all. It's fantastic, by the way."

"Thanks. I enjoy cooking, I just don't get a lot of time to do it. And I don't know that I'm all that good at it."

"Well, if we can go by the appetizers, I'd say you're great."

"Thanks." This time Logan blushed, his face warming from the compliment. Or maybe it was just the way James was smiling at him—something he'd never imagined was possible.

"I'm gonna get these drinks out there to them. Make sure Carlos' virtue is still intact."

That pulled a laugh out of Logan. "Steve really isn't a player. But...like I said. He seems to like Carlos a lot."

"Well, Carlos is...different. Unique. A good guy, though."

Logan nodded. "So is Steve. I don't know the whole story here or what Carlos has to be afraid of, but I can guarantee that he's safe with Steve. Obviously my words don't carry much weight since you don't know me, but..."

James let the words hang between them, studying Logan's face as if truly seeing it for the first time.

"Michael, seriously, I'm choking out here!"

"Five years old, I swear," James muttered, moving to the fridge for the root beer. Behind him, Logan could barely keep an excited squeal inside; Hot Guy had smiled at him.

* * *

"You know, if I'd known I was going to be your personal butler the entire evening, I might've just stayed home."

Carlos snorted from his place on the sofa, where he was cuddled up under Kendall's arm. He reached for the glass James offered him and said, "Please, we both know that was never gonna happen. Thanks, bro."

"Thank you," Kendall nodded, accepting a second one. "You're welcome to join us out here if you're more comfortable with that."

Though it was clear that the idea passed through his mind, James eventually shook his head. "I'd be puking in ten seconds."

"Why?" Carlos grinned. "Because he's feeding me these little toast things?"

"Oh, look, here comes my gorge now. You two enjoy yourselves. I will be checking in often, though."

"Dude, I'm telling you, this is heaven. I'm sitting in front of a roaring fireplace with a beautiful man while he feeds me. What more could I ask for in life?"

"Great, so your life is complete now! We can go."

"Shut up, asshole," Carlos laughed, holding on tightly to his root beer while snuggling up closer to Kendall again. "You gave me until midnight and I'm holding you to it."

"Fine, just ignore my retching noises throughout the evening. Can I get you anything else, Master?"

Smiling up at Kendall, Carlos replied, "Nope. I've got everything I need."

Kendall's answering smile was soft as he leaned down to meet eager lips.

"Disgusting," James breathed before making his escape.

When it felt as if their kissing was going to advance into deeper territory, Kendall pulled back. "You love to torture him, don't you?"

"Who, J—Michael?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know, maybe a little. He's just so serious all the time. And I get why, it's his job to be. But he needs to learn how to live a little, you know? I was really hoping Jeff might help with that."

"I'm sure it's not going to happen in one evening. Michael's defenses are sky high."

"I know. He does like Jeff, though."

"Really? How can you tell?"

"Because I know him. I saw it the moment he laid eyes on Jeff. He was scared out of his mind."

"Well, of course, Jeff was an unknown threat."

"Nah, it was more than that. I mean, sure, that was part of it. But I think what scared him more was that he liked what he saw."

"Oh. Yeah?" Maybe this would be easier than they expected. "Then let's make sure they get plenty of alone time."

"Which works out well for us," Carlos smirked, going in for another kiss that Kendall resisted.

"As much as I enjoy kissing you, I think we should do this properly. Get to know each other."

"I would like to know more about you," Carlos admitted. "But you have to understand there's not a lot I can talk about when it comes to myself."

"Why is that?" Kendall wondered. "Not that I'm pressing you or anything, I'm just trying to understand why you're so secretive and why someone would want to hurt you. Are you a spy or something?" he teased.

Carlos howled with laughter at the notion. "Nothing like that. It's actually kind of boring when you put it into words."

Kendall's heart kicked up a faster beat. "Try me. Want some more bruschetta?"

"Yeah, thanks." While Kendall leaned away to reach for another piece, Carlos stated, "I'm in sales."

That was almost enough to have Kendall busting up in amusement; he managed to keep a straight face. "Sales? Really?"

"Yeah. Told you it was boring. Mmm, thanks." Carlos dipped in for a quick kiss before accepting the bite Kendall had waiting for him.

"Why would someone want to hurt you for selling something?" Kendall asked.

"It's more about what I sell. And that's really as much as I can tell you."

"Oh. So it's...important things. Expensive things."

"Something like that. I work for my uncle, it's kind of a family business."

"Huh. Okay, I'll stop asking questions about it."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"All I know about you is that you're a writer."

They both smirked at the word before Kendall replied. "That's honestly all there is to know about me. I'm boring, too."

"Please, you're anything but. What kind of books do you write?"

"Suspense novels, mostly. Thrillers. You know, secret agents and bombs and...that sort of thing."

"That's not boring. Those are my favorite kinds of movies."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Like James Bond kind of stuff. I've always had this dream of dating a guy like that. Sorry, that's probably rude to say on a date, but I always thought it would be hot to be married to some kind of secret agent."

Unease settled into Kendall's stomach again; surely this was too much of a coincidence. Carlos had to be playing him. "Marriage, eh? You really go for it."

Carlos shrugged. "I can dream."

"You absolutely can. And in the meantime, you can have fun with a guy who writes about people like that because he always dreamed of being one."

Carlos' grin brought one to Kendall's mouth. "Close enough for me. I bet you have to research a lot of stuff in order to write those books."

"I do," Kendall nodded. "But the truth is I haven't actually published anything yet. That's why I came here. I needed to be away from distractions because I'm just not getting anywhere with my writing."

"Oh. Sorry I ruined that for you."

"If I thought you meant it, I'd accept that apology."

"Okay, you're right. I'm not sorry that I'm here right now and distracting you. I'd love to read some of your work, though."

"Maybe someday," Kendall smiled. "I don't even let Jeff read it. My office is off limits to everyone."

"Even me?"

"Even you," Kendall confirmed. "No offense. I'm always afraid that letting in other opinions and ideas will influence my writing and change it. So I wait until I'm completely done with something and then show it to other people and make any changes that need to be made."

"That makes sense. What about your family, though? You don't even let your mom read it?"

A knife plunged into Kendall's heart at the question. "She's gone."

"Gone? Like..." Carlos blinked rapidly as it sank in. "Oh."

"Yeah. Her and my sister."

"Wow, Steve, I'm really sorry. My parents died when I was five and my sister last year. I know how that feels."

Kendall wasn't too sure about that, considering his family had been killed by actions that Carlos' "sales" were helping to perpetuate. "It's been really tough to get past."

"Yeah. But your dad's still going?"

"My dad's been gone since I was a baby. The difference is that he chose to leave."

"Oh, man. That kind of dad. Well, for what it's worth, I'm really sorry to hear about your mom and sister."

Again, it wasn't easy hearing that from a man who was continuing to put others in danger every day. "It was a car accident. They were killed by someone who was high on drugs."

Carlos stiffened under Kendall's arm. "Oh," was all he said.

"Yeah." Suddenly realizing that voicing his feelings on the subject would only make Carlos less willing to divulge his secrets, Kendall changed the subject. "What happened with your family? If you can talk about it, I mean."

"It's...really difficult for me."

"Sure, I understand. Probably better than most." When Carlos remained quiet, Kendall cleared his throat and asked, "You good? Need more root beer?"

"Actually...that would be great." Without warning he yelled so loud Kendall's eardrum almost shattered. "Hey Jay! I'm empty out here!"

In the kitchen, Logan watched James' eyes fall closed in exasperation; he knew it was because Carlos had once again slipped on the name. It was going to have to be addressed, because at this point it would seem weird for them not to question it. "Want me to get that?" he asked.

"No, I got it. I might need a puke bucket, though."

Logan chuckled as James filled up a new glass with ice and poured dark soda into it. "You can take the wine bucket, if you'd like. Since we're not using it."

Carlos started to yell again and James cut him off. "I'm coming, put a sock in it!" He let out a frustrated noise and turned to Logan. "You want anything? I can pour you some wine."

"I'm good with root beer." He stopped chopping lettuce long enough to accept the glass James held out. "Oh, even in a wine glass for me. I feel special."

"We deserve a little pampering since we're in here doing all the work. Not that I'm actively doing anything, but..."

"How good are you with a knife?"

Logan had said it on purpose, waiting for the reaction that didn't disappoint. James hesitated before answering. "I can manage."

"You can work on those tomatoes when you get back, if you don't mind."

James only nodded, then took two fresh glasses out to Carlos and Kendall. Logan used the time to take a deep, centering breath and attempt to shake off his nerves. Every time James looked at him, he had to fight to keep from staring for too long into those intense eyes. "You can do this, Logan," he murmured to himself. "Just don't look at him for long."

"They're so disgusting," James complained when he returned with two nearly-empty glasses. "Carlos is practically in his lap."

"Well, that is kind of why they're doing this whole thing," Logan smiled. "I hear that's what two people who like each other do."

"I guess." James set his cargo in the sink and washed his hands before opening drawers until he found a knife. "I should try to be more sympathetic. He's never really had a boyfriend."

"Have you known him for a long time?"

"Years," James nodded.

Logan decided to just face it head on. "So the uh...Jay thing. Is that a nickname?"

James froze, his fingers tightening around the tomato he'd just picked up. Logan sensed he was thinking fast. "Yeah. It's...my middle name."

"Oh. Do you prefer to go by that?"

"I don't know. It's because there was already a Michael in the family, so when I started hanging around it got confusing for everyone. So I just went by James around them and with Carlos it still pops up sometimes."

"Ah." Logan had to respect that James had come up with a lie so quickly.

"It's a little weird, I know."

"Actually...the weirdest part of that is that it's _not_ weird to me. Would you believe Steve and I used to call each other by our middle names back in school?"

James' hand stopped chopping. "You're serious?"

"I am," Logan blushed. "We were lame, thought it was cool. Like some sort of secret society or something. Nobody else could call us by those names, only we could. Dumb, right?"

"It's kind of cute," James laughed. "How old were you?"

"I don't know, junior high maybe? We always thought we were cooler than we were."

James peeked over at Logan with a tiny smile, his eyes twinkling.

"So if you ever hear me call him Kendall, that's why. Just like with Carlos, the old habit comes back sometimes."

"Kendall, huh? Stephen Kendall."

"Yep," Logan nodded.

"And you were...?"

"Uh...Logan. Jeffrey Logan."

"Logan," James said slowly, trying the name out. "I kind of like it."

Forcing himself to do it, Logan turned his head and met the gaze that was so direct. "James isn't a bad name, either."

Their eyes stayed locked, Logan's chest tightening as breathing was suddenly a harder task. The pull to James was undeniable, and he'd never hated more that he wasn't worthy of someone so perfect. He wished James would look away.

It was the timer that accomplished that for him, the sound so loud in the silence that they both jumped. James' phone was closest to Logan, so he reached out to shut off the noise. His gaze narrowed on the picture that appeared once that was taken care of. It showed a toddler in a bright yellow dress with white polka dots. She was sitting on the grass while holding a purple plastic egg between her chubby fingers, offering it to whoever was taking the picture. Her light brown hair was covered by a small white hat made of what looked like lace, and her eyes...

They were almost too big for her face. Wide, twinkling, and the exact shade of hazel as the man standing five feet to Logan's right.

Those eyes darted from Logan's face to the phone and back again before he scooped it up and shoved it into a pocket, cheeks flaming. To give him time to recover, Logan asked, "Would you mind checking the steaks for me so I can flip the potatoes?"

"Sure. Yeah. Let me just..."

Logan allowed the sentence to trail off without a response, moving to the microwave and turning each potato over before setting it for another five minutes. James cut into one of the steaks and declared that it was perfect, getting Logan's agreement before transferring two of them to a covered plate Logan had waiting. "I'd give it another five minutes for the others."

"Sounds great. Let me just go warn them dinner's almost ready so they can stop sucking face long enough to enjoy it."

Logan tossed the salad while James was gone, mind on the little girl. This was an interesting twist they hadn't foreseen. Of course, it could just be a niece. Logan knew that children tended to resemble aunts and uncles more than their own parents at a young age. The way James had so quickly hidden the phone, though...

"Steve's lighting candles," James announced upon his return. "Carlos is about to cream himself."

"Because of candles?" Logan chuckled.

"He's a sucker for romance."

"I think that's cute. Not really my style, but it's cute that he's so excited over it."

"He is kind of adorable," James had to admit. "Should I take the salad out there?"

"You could," Logan nodded, "or you could stay in here and keep me company instead of having to watch the disgusting PDA."

"I'll take what's behind door number two," James joked.

"It's almost ready. I thought about adding vegetables but Steve said somehow he didn't think Carlos was the type to go for that. Really, we're lucky that we're _not_ eating frozen pizza."

"You have no idea," James groaned. "All he wants to eat is junk food."

Settling in to wait the last few minutes, Logan hefted himself up onto the counter and let his legs dangle off. "So you live together?"

"Yeah. Part of the whole bodyguard thing."

"You like him, though. I can tell."

"I do." James approached the counter and leaned onto it, one elbow resting near Logan's thigh. "He's aggravating. Maddening. Makes me want to bash my head into a wall twenty times a day."

"But you'd die for him, wouldn't you?"

James lifted his head, bangs having fallen forward and currently obscuring one eye as he stared up at Logan. His voice was deadly serious when he finally answered. "I would."

Logan swallowed, heat rising up into his face. He needed to keep James from staring at him like that, it melted his brain. "She's precious."

James blinked, confused. "Who?"

"The little girl on your phone. I couldn't help but see it when I turned off the timer."

"Oh." Just like that Logan felt him shut down. He pushed himself away from the counter and went in search of his glass. "Thanks."

"Niece?"

There was no answer, just James' stiff shoulders giving off waves of "leave me alone."

"I'm sorry, you don't have to talk about it. It's not my business."

James finally spun around. "I don't talk about certain things in my life. Not with friends, not with strangers."

"That's fine. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."

"It's not you. I don't want you to think you did anything wrong. I just...like I said. I don't talk about myself much."

Logan nodded. "I shouldn't have pried. We're just here doing our friends a favor. We don't need to be friends ourselves."

Rather than say anything, James picked up the salad bowl and tongs Logan had set nearby, leaving Logan alone in the kitchen to berate himself for screwing up.

Just when he'd thought he was getting somewhere.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Here's part two of the date. I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the first part, hope you like this as well! Feel free to share your thoughts. :) Part three should be up sometime over the weekend.

* * *

Carlos insisted on sitting next to Kendall at the dining room table, but when James mockingly reminded him that he couldn't "stare dreamily" at his date in the candlelight, he quickly reconsidered so that it was Kendall and Logan on one side of the table while James and Carlos took the other.

"I was being sarcastic," James muttered as they all took their seats once he and Logan had brought everything out from the kitchen.

Logan smiled, but on the inside he was dreading that he'd be forced to do the same with James and prayed that the dreaminess didn't show in his own eyes. "Kendall, can you pass the bread?" When Kendall's head shot up and panic blanched his face, Logan waved a hand. "It's okay, I told Michael our secret. But I won't repeat it in front of Carlos because I know that'll just embarrass you."

"Secret?" Carlos echoed. "I want to know secrets about you!"

Kendall spoke tightly through clenched teeth. "How much of our secret did you tell him?"

"About our middle names thing. How we had that stupid code in junior high where we used those instead of our first names. Turns out Carlos does the same thing and calls Michael by his middle name, too."

Both Kendall and Carlos digested that, Carlos' lashes meeting repeatedly as he blinked.

James offered, "That's why Carlos sometimes calls me James. It's my middle name and he tends to use that more than Michael."

Kendall finally said, "I was wondering about that."

"Yeah, sorry," Carlos blushed. "It's habit."

"No need to apologize," Kendall smiled.

"So...Kendall? That's your middle name?"

"Yeah. And his is..."

"Logan," James shared, for Carlos' benefit. "I think he looks more like a Logan anyway."

Logan stared down at his plate, knowing better than to meet James' gaze just then. "How's your steak, Carlos? Done enough for you?"

"Oh, I haven't even cut into yet. The baked potato is excellent, though."

James tossed out, "Steve, if you cut his meat for him I will throw up right here at the table."

"Relax," Kendall chuckled. "I'm well aware that he's a grown man who can take care of himself. It was fun to feed him, though."

"I liked it, too," Carlos grinned. "So how are you two hitting it off?"

Silence was the answer from both James and Logan, neither looking up from their food.

"Damn. I was really hoping there would be some kind of spark."

"Carlos, you know I'm not looking for romance," James stated with a warning edge to his voice.

"So? That doesn't mean you can't enjoy a nice guy for the evening."

"It's fine," Logan assured Carlos. "We've already discussed that I'm not looking for anyone, either. Tonight's about you guys, not us."

"Still, you two could—"

"Carlos," James bit out. "Back off. We're not interested."

Logan felt the pitying glance from Kendall and ignored it, instead focused on cutting into his steak. From that point talk turned to the neighborhood, Kendall picking up what little gossip Carlos had learned in the time he'd lived there. James spoke only when Carlos referred to him, attempting to drag him into the conversation, and Logan said nothing at all until his plate was the only one still containing food.

"Are you finished there?" he asked James softly. His response was a nod, and then he stood to gather together the empty dishes and take them to the kitchen.

Kendall joined him within seconds, setting the salad bowl on the counter. "Talk to me," he said under his breath as they stood together at the sink.

Logan used the faucet to drown out their voices. "I thought it was going well and then suddenly it...wasn't. I fucked up."

"How?"

"We need to talk later. I think James has a kid."

"A...are you fucking serious?"

"Yeah. I tried to find out more and he shut down. Hasn't really spoken to me since."

"Fuck," Kendall sighed.

"Things going well on your end?"

"Fantastic. At this rate I'll have him in bed within the hour. Except if you can't distract James, that's not going to help me."

"Sorry. I tried. I told you, I'm just not capable of seducing a man like that."

"Bullshit. Carlos said James is attracted to you."

"Please," Logan snorted. "He can't even stand to look at me."

"Well, if he's not going to leave us alone, maybe we can at least find a way to get a little action while he's in the room. Carlos and I talked about watching a movie after dinner. Dark room, cuddling up under blankets...it could work to at least get him in the mood enough to defy James and take off alone with me."

"Might work," Logan nodded, suddenly terrified at the realization that it would also leave him alone with James. "He hates me, Kendall."

"He doesn't hate you."

"He does. I pushed too hard and now his walls are up even higher. He just wants this night to be over."

Kendall reached up to squeeze Logan's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I know how badly you wanted to spend time with him."

"Whatever. It's just a job."

Kendall knew better, though, and hated that his partner was hurting. "I'll go get the rest of the dishes for you."

"Thanks."

It wasn't Kendall who stepped into the kitchen a minute later, though, but James. Logan froze up but then forced himself to relax as he accepted the trays James passed to him and turned back to the sink.

"Can I help with anything?"

"No, you don't have to. I'm sure you'd rather be keeping an eye on Carlos."

"When I left, Carlos was sitting on Steve's lap. I think I'll pass for the moment."

Logan faked a smile for James' benefit. "Grab a towel, then. You can dry."

"No dishwasher in this place?"

"You're looking at him, apparently." Logan reached into a drawer and pulled out a towel to hand over. Surprising him, James turned away from the counter and then hiked himself up onto it, sitting the way Logan had been earlier.

The way Logan had daydreamed about with a man like this.

Disappointment in the fact that he'd never truly have what he wanted kept him quiet as he passed over a clean but wet plate. The silence between them turned awkward, but Logan had no idea how to bridge that gap. It had been so easy earlier, James joking with him and even smiling at him. Where had that James gone?

"Listen, I'm sorry I was rude earlier."

Logan's breath caught. "You weren't."

"I was. I'm a very private person."

"I can respect that."

"You have been. You're actually the only person I've ever met that has."

"Really?" That got Logan looking up at James' face, which was concentrating on the glass he was currently drying. "I felt like I overstepped my boundaries. And I didn't mean to, I just saw an adorable little girl and...I don't know. I was curious."

"That's not a crime. I mean, she _is_ adorable."

Logan nodded, his smile genuine this time. "You don't have to talk about her."

James said nothing, only reached for the next dish Logan held out.

"I won't ask about her again."

Still James was silent, Logan allowing him to be while continuing to scrub away traces of food and surprised when that silence was broken.

"You know what's funny?" James suddenly asked. "There was a time you couldn't shut me up about her. I'd tell anyone who listened about the funny things she did or about how she made a sound that wasn't remotely close to 'dada' but I'd convinced myself she was saying it anyway."

Well. That confirmed Logan's theory. Hesitantly, he tried, "What changed?"

"Things. Everything changed. And I don't talk about it."

"Understood."

"Hey." The touch of James' hand to his shoulder sent shockwaves running through Logan, but he held it all inside and kept his face impassive as James continued. "It's not you. I want to make sure you know that."

Logan didn't know much of anything at the moment except that if James didn't remove the hand from his shoulder, he might combust. "I do."

"Good. You seem like a great guy, and under other circumstances maybe...well. It's not even worth thinking about. I just don't want you to blame yourself or think there's anything wrong with you. You're..."

James couldn't seem to find the right word, though. Logan would've given a lot to know how he might've finished that sentence. Instead he looked up and said softly, "James. You don't owe me anything."

James seemed to take Logan's words to heart and swallowed before saying, "I think I like it when you call me that."

"I think I'd like for you to call me Logan."

There it was, that intensely direct stare that set Logan on fire and stole his breath away. The grip on his shoulder tightened, Logan unable to keep the desire he was feeling from surfacing in his eyes.

"Hey guys, Carlos wants to watch a movie. Leave the dishes, we can take care of them tomorrow."

Kendall's voice broke through the spell, James dropping his hand away as if it burned. Logan tried to regain control and used the act of turning off the faucet and drying his hands to calm down. "Sure, we'll be right out. If that's okay with you?" he asked James.

James slid off the counter. "Anything for Carlos. Just need to uh...bathroom." He slipped by Kendall and disappeared, and only then did Logan let out the breath he'd been holding in.

"Holy shit. Holy shit, I'm not gonna survive this night."

"What happened?" Kendall whispered, coming into the room.

"I don't know. He's so intense, and he has to know I want him. There's no way he missed what I was feeling just now."

"Did he seem repulsed by it?"

"I...really have no idea. I guess if he chooses to sit next to me, he doesn't hate me."

"He doesn't really have a choice, Logan."

"He could sit in the chair. Or on the sofa with you guys."

"That's not happening. You okay?"

"No. I think it's probably best that he does sit in the chair because I don't know if I can keep my hands to myself. I want him. Holy fuck, I want him."

"Go use the bathroom in my room and get yourself under control. I'll get some dessert going, you just...go calm down."

"Yeah. Sorry, I just...I've never wanted anyone like this. Not in the way that I'd actually do something about it."

"Go on."

Logan obeyed, thankful he didn't pass James in the hall. He might've done something stupid if he had.

* * *

Kendall approached the couch from behind, massaging Carlos' shoulders when he was close enough. "Did you pick out a movie?"

"Mmm, can't we just continue this for the next two hours?"

"We could, but that would be rude to Michael and Jeff. I mean, they did go to all the trouble of preparing our meal."

"Fine," Carlos groaned. "Have you seen the new James Bond movie?"

"Not yet. Would you like pie or ice cream for dessert? Or do you want to live life dangerously and have both?"

Carlos leaned his head on the back of the sofa to stare up at Kendall. "You're even serving me dessert? Man, you are one perfect date."

"I try." Kendall bent his head so that they were kissing, the angle making it strange but somehow more arousing for that. Carlos' tongue demanded entrance, Kendall gasping softly as he parted his lips in invitation. Maybe Logan was right; maybe it wasn't so bad to enjoy the perks of a job like this.

"This isn't the kind of movie I had in mind," James interrupted wryly. "I know you like action films and all, but I'm afraid this falls into a whole other category."

"Stop making it sound sleazy," Carlos scolded. "If it's anything, it's a romance."

"Which is also not my style. Where's Logan?" When Kendall lifted an eyebrow at the question, James corrected himself. "Jeff. Sorry. We uh...had a conversation about it and decided we liked our middle names better."

"Did you now?" Kendall smirked.

"Do we want pie or ice cream?" Carlos asked.

"You always want ice cream."

"But you like pie," Carlos pointed out.

"We can do both," Kendall chuckled. "Now for the hard part, Carlos. You have to choose which flavor you want."

Carlos gasped. "I get a choice?"

"You do. There's cookies and cream..."

"Oh, I do love cookies and cream. But I just had that. What else you got?"

"Vanilla..."

"Vanilla? That's so boring!"

"And we have chocolate chip cookie dough."

"Oooooo we just ran out of that. Sold! J-Michael, what kind do you want?"

James rolled his eyes. "Just call me James. It's obviously a habit that's never going to die for you."

"Sorry."

"What kind of pie?"

Logan entered the room just in time to hear James' question. "We've got chocolate cream and key lime."

"Damn, that's a tough one."

"Just have both," Carlos suggested. "Steve, what are you gonna have?"

"What if I have cookies and cream, and we can sample from each others' bowl?" Kendall winked.

"I like the way your mind works."

Logan urged, "Why don't you all get comfortable wherever you'd like to sit and I'll get dessert?"

Kendall nodded. "I'll get some blankets."

Carlos reached up to drag Kendall's head down to his level and whispered, "What if we lay down on the floor near the fireplace? Cuddle under some blankets, get a little closer..."

Kendall swallowed, immediately agreeing to the idea. "I'll be right back."

Logan looked over when James slipped into the kitchen. "Did they kick you out?"

"I kicked myself out. I know this is what I signed up for, but watching Carlos whisper into Steve's ear is almost more than I can handle."

"Let them have their perfect romantic date," Logan smiled.

"Working on it. Here, let me take those." He relieved Logan of two cartons of ice cream, then made himself busy finding clean bowls and plates while Logan dug out the pies. "You guys really went all out on dinner tonight."

"Steve wanted to make a good impression on Carlos."

"It doesn't take much with him. Apparently all it took from Steve was a smile."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He said something about how he 'just knew' when he looked at Steve. Or maybe it was when they looked at each other. Who knows, I don't pretend to understand all that chemistry and romance crap. It's insane to think that you can just look at someone and know if there's a connection."

"Did you want ice cream, too? Or just pie."

"Pie's good. I shouldn't even be eating that, I'm still full from dinner. Which was incredible, by the way."

"You helped."

"That was all you and you know it."

Logan tensed up when he felt James just behind him, reminded of daydreams where James would hug him from behind in a moment just like this. Instead, James reached around him to pull open the drawer of silverware. "Ice cream scooper?"

"Uh...I think it's in the next one. You're asking the guy who doesn't actually live here."

"Right. I forgot that for a second. Did you want pie, too?"

"Yeah, I'll have some lime. Thanks."

Logan served up the ice cream while James took care of pie. "How long are you in town?"

"Just a few days. I originally wasn't going to come at all because I know Steve moved here for solitude."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He's having trouble writing right now, there were too many distractions back home. So he decided to start fresh somewhere new and focus on nothing but that."

"Carlos blew that plan out of the water, didn't he?"

"I think so," Logan chuckled. "Carlos was not part of the plan, I know that."

"So what's he looking for here, anyway? Obviously not a relationship if he moved to get away from people."

"Honestly, I'm not sure. The impression I got was that he couldn't resist Carlos. He didn't go looking for this. It came off more like...well, like what you said. There was that chemistry between them that he couldn't fight and he just really wanted Carlos. I've never seen him more nervous and excited about a date than he was today."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It was cute, actually."

"So there's no one in your life? In that sense?"

"Me? No. I'm not kidding when I say I don't do well on a social level."

"I don't either. What do you do?"

"Pardon?"

"For a living. What do you do?"

"Oh. I work with computers. Equipment. Run it, fix it, build it...pretty much anything of a technical nature, that's what I do. How about you?"

"Just...you know. This. Carlos."

"There's nothing else you do? Or would if you could?"

"I don't know. I've never had much time to think about what I want. I was kind of a screw-up for most of my life. Got caught up in bad shit and then tried to turn my life around. Suddenly I had something to care about."

Logan couldn't keep from stopping what he was doing to give James his undivided attention. "The uh...the adorable thing you won't talk about?"

James hesitated before nodding. "She changed me. For the better."

"They do that."

"I had a job then, a real job. Tried really hard to make it work."

Seeing that the memories were difficult for James, Logan offered, "You don't have to talk about it."

"Thanks. I really don't want to. I don't even know why I said as much as I did."

Logan passed two bowls filled with ice cream over to James. "Must be my irresistible big brown eyes," he teased.

James ducked his head as if suddenly shy, but he was laughing when he replied. "Must be. Either that or the gorgeous smile I haven't seen enough of."

Logan's gaze swept up to see if James was serious, but James was already turning away to head out to the living room. "Damn you," Logan whispered. "Don't you dare mess with me like that."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Happy Friday! This chapter is brought to you by INTENSE BOREDOM. That's so rare for me, I'm never bored because there's always a book to read, a movie to watch, a show to catch up on, a game to play...for some reason tonight none of those things are working so you get a chapter early instead. It wasn't supposed to go up until Sunday, but oh well. Here's the last part of the date. Apologies in advance for the way the story kind of shifts focus to James and Logan more than Carlos and Kendall. I didn't plan it that way but I AM a Jagan girl so I guess that's how it goes. Hope you like this and let me know what you think! :D Even if you don't, thank you so much for reading.

P.S. If ANYONE feels the need to post a chapter of a current story tonight, that would be awesome. Save me from boredom. :P

* * *

James walked into the darkened living room to the sight of Kendall stretched out on the carpet with Carlos on top, grinding into him as they kissed.

"Oh my god, can you guys _please_ keep it G-rated? Even PG would do."

"Sorry," Kendall breathed, gently sitting up and trying to catch his breath. "This guy's a little hard to resist."

"Hear that?" Carlos grinned, reaching up for the bowl James was holding out. "I'm irresistible."

"You're insane," James corrected. "You just met the guy."

"Oh, don't act like you've never had sex with someone you just met. What was it you used to do for a living, James?"

Knowing that Logan had just entered the room, James quickly hushed him. "Shut up, that's private."

Kendall and Logan exchanged a quick glance; they'd just learned one more thing about James.

"Michael, where do you want your pie?"

"Oh, just set it on the table. I'm taking the chair, if that's cool."

Logan nodded, hiding his disappointment. "Sure. I'm just gonna go grab us some water." After setting down two plates on the coffee table, he disappeared again.

Kendall and Carlos made themselves comfortable on a blanket, then Kendall used a remote control to start the movie.

"What did we end up with?" James wondered.

"Carlos wanted the new James Bond movie."

"Dude!" Carlos exclaimed. "Steve writes about spies! Secret agents, that sort of thing!"

"Does he."

"Yeah! I want to read some of his stuff but he says he keeps it private until it's done."

"I haven't actually published anything yet," Kendall blushed. "Hopefully that will change now."

Logan returned with four bottles of water, handing one to each of them before taking the love seat for himself and reaching for his pie. "Do we get any blankets or are you two just gonna hog them all?"

"Oh, sorry." Kendall passed one to James, who was closest, and then James passed it over to Logan. "You can have the other spare if you want it, Michael."

"I'm good," James replied. "I should warn you guys, though, that Carlos talks a lot during movies."

Both Logan and Kendall smirked, having already known that.

"I'll try to be quiet," Carlos promised.

"No," Kendall disagreed. "You talk as much as you want. Just be yourself."

When he followed the words with a sweet kiss, Carlos bounced a little with sheer happiness. "You are seriously the most perfect date in history."

Logan watched as even James seemed to melt a little, liking Kendall in spite of his misgivings. They were on the way to winning him over and Logan prayed he didn't screw anything up again. He kicked his feet up onto the coffee table and settled in, heart skipping a beat when James' shoes joined the party close enough that a slight movement would have their feet touching.

Two minutes into the movie, James said quietly, "You know, I've never actually had lime pie."

From his perch on the love seat, Logan smiled. "I can get you some if you want. There's plenty left."

"Nah, I'd probably hate it. Especially with the taste of chocolate in my mouth."

"They actually create a unique flavor together. Kind of...exotic."

"Exotic, huh?"

Carlos turned his head and said haughtily, "And you were complaining about _me_ talking through a movie?"

Logan smirked when he noted James' cheeks flushing. He moved to the cushion closest to the chair and said quietly, "Here, let me show you." Logan used his fork to break off a small bite of his lime, then did the same to James' chocolate piece before lifting the fork to James' lips. _Please don't shut down on me, please don't shut down on me._

James looked as if he was considering doing just that. He hesitated, perhaps fearing that Logan was making a pass at him. In the end, he opened his mouth and accepted the bite, sliding his lips slowly off the fork in a way that had Logan's teeth clenching together to keep from letting out a desperate noise.

"Oh," James murmured in surprise. "That's...really good."

"Isn't it?" Logan moved his plate closer to James, offering more. James did the same, and they finished their dessert by eating off each others' plates while half paying attention to the movie; most of Logan's focus was on the way James' lips moved when he chewed and the tip of his tongue when it occasionally peeked out.

 _I'm not going to survive this night._

Needing to escape or completely give away his feelings, Logan rose from the love seat and reached for James' empty plate. He sensed James' eyes on him when he moved to do the same with the bowls, feeling that stare burning a hole into his back as he barely kept himself from running out of the room.

"Jesus," he whispered. "Please help me get through this."

Logan splashed cold water against his face, doing it a few times until he felt he could function normally. A dish towel worked to dry up the moisture, and as he pressed it to his face he was on edge, somehow just knowing James would show up to crowd him.

James didn't, though. For once James left him alone, probably having picked up on Logan's feelings and not wanting to encourage anything. It was a relief, really; it was easier to resist James when he wasn't in Logan's space.

Logan allowed himself a full ten minutes to calm down, using the time to finish cleaning up the dishes they hadn't gotten to and letting the task soothe him. He was acting like what James had accused Carlos of earlier, a junior high kid all riled up with excitement over a date. And this wasn't even technically a date.

 _Knock it off, Logan. Your job is to gain his trust. All your lust is gonna do is drive him further away. Keep it in your pants. Keep it in your pants._

With that mantra in his head, Logan flipped off the kitchen lights and braced himself to enter the living room. This time he bypassed the love seat, stopping only long enough to pick up the blanket and take it with him to the sofa, which was a safer distance from James. He curled up into a corner of the cushions, tucking the blanket under his feet and around his shoulders as if it was a shield.

James said nothing. James continued to stare at the screen as if Logan wasn't even in the room, and that was better. Really it was.

An hour into the movie, Carlos decided Kendall was more exciting. He'd been uncharacteristically quiet for most of it, sneaking occasional kisses to patches of Kendall's skin—neck, cheek, ear, chin. Finally he gave up trying to fight it, going for it and kissing Kendall's mouth in a way that showed he was done playing games. Kendall willingly succumbed to the attack, lying down on his side and pulling Carlos with him so that Logan could no longer see them below the coffee table. He ignored it as long as he could, but when the amorous sounds made it impossible to stop thinking about what it would feel like to kiss James, he broke.

Without a word Logan rose from the sofa, taking the blanket with him and walking through the kitchen to the back door. Fresh air was exactly what he needed.

The peace of the backyard was refreshing. Logan sank onto the porch swing, using the blanket to ward off the cold, but even that was welcome after he'd been so heated. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the cushion, letting the quiet seep into him.

That lasted all of five seconds. "Am I intruding?"

The voice was soft and hesitant. Logan kept his eyes closed and didn't move except to speak. "Of course not. I'm the one being rude."

"No, they are. But it's technically my fault, since I'm the one who told Carlos he wasn't allowed to be alone with Steve."

Logan made an amused sound, then opened his eyes to see James leaning against the jamb in the open doorway, hands in pockets and somewhat hunched in on himself. "They can't help themselves. It's been a long time for Steve."

"For Carlos, too. I've never actually seen him this into someone. Which boggles my mind considering they really don't even know each other."

"My mom always said 'when you know, you know.'"

"Yeah?"

"M-hm."

"Do you believe that?"

Logan considered how to answer that, wondering what would be the best way to win James over. In the end, he threw that out the window and went with the truth. "I don't know. I believe in instant attraction—seeing someone and thinking 'Wow, that's someone I'd like to know better.' But as far as meeting someone and knowing that person is your soulmate...I don't know. Seems a little too good to be true."

James nodded slowly. "That instant attraction is definitely a thing. I've experienced it."

"Me, too."

"But as for anything else...love and building a life together...I don't think it's for me."

"I wouldn't know."

"Really?" James pushed himself away from the door but then stopped as if afraid to get too close.

Logan held up one side of the blanket. "Come on. I promise I won't bite."

James' laugh was a welcome sound. "You're fine, I'm not worried about you."

"No? So I don't make you uncomfortable?"

"Not...I mean...no. You don't."

"Good. Then sit out here with me and discuss the meaning of life. Because I can't handle sitting in there watching Steve feel so many things I'll never get to experience." When James still didn't move, Logan let the blanket drop. "I get it if you feel safer watching over him."

"It's just...I worry so much about him. Against my better judgment, I actually trust Steve."

"You do?"

"Yeah. It's never really been him I was worried about. It's...keeping Carlos safe from others. I don't feel that Steve is a danger to him directly, only as someone that I don't know is capable of keeping Carlos safe. Does that make sense?"

"It does," Logan nodded, remembering James' suspicions that "Steve" might be an undercover agent and knowing his words now weren't the whole truth. "Go on in there. I just need a little longer to...clear my head."

James spun away and moved back into the house, Logan's stomach dropping in disappointment. Really, he needed to just accept that it was never going to happen. He watched the door being pushed shut and sighed.

It didn't quite close, though. Three fingers appeared to keep it from arriving at its destination, then it was pulled open to show James returning. "You know what? I don't think I can stand to watch that right now, either. Is that offer of a warm blanket still open?"

Barely managing to keep a scream inside, Logan smiled and lifted it again. James slid into place next to him, not close enough that it could be called cuddling but Logan feeling the warmth of his body where their legs and shoulders brushed together.

"You've never been in love?" James wanted to know.

"No. I've dated and thought maybe it could happen, but...I don't know. Just never really felt that whatever it is you're supposed to feel. I started to wonder if it even existed."

"It does," James assured him.

"So you've been there?"

"It's...complicated."

"Isn't it supposed to be wonderful? Birds singing everywhere, the colors brighter, hearts floating all around you?"

"So I hear," James chuckled. "I'm sure that part of it isn't so bad."

"What is?"

"Maybe that it doesn't last? Reality crashes in and you realize that no matter how hard you try to pretend like everything's gonna be okay, it never is?"

"Reality," Logan echoed. "Definitely puts a damper on the good things in life."

"Yeah."

"Are you divorced?"

"Me? Nah, nothing like that. We never quite made it to marriage."

"Think that's something you would've done eventually?"

James bit his lip. "I bought her a ring," he whispered.

"Oh. Wow. Did she say no?"

"She...never answered. Reality got in the way."

"I'm sorry."

James dragged himself from thoughts of the past to ask, "You ever been with a girl?"

"No. It's always been guys for me."

"Girls are nice, I guess. Different."

"I can imagine."

"Guys are...I don't know. I used to think they were more aggressive, but I've been with dudes who are less manly than some girls I've met."

"I try not to think of it in a gender sense. More of a...human sense. What type of human are you, that sort of thing. Because you're right, a person's gender doesn't guarantee anything about their behavior."

"What's your type?"

"My type?" Logan echoed.

"Yeah. What gets your blood flowing?"

 _You._ "Uh. I don't know that there's any one thing." James absorbed that before Logan added, "What's yours?"

"I don't think about it. I'm done with all that. But you should experience it."

"After that glowing review?" Logan teased. "Wow, sign me up."

"Sorry," James laughed, his head falling onto Logan's shoulder briefly before he lifted it away. "I just think everyone should know what it's like. Just because it isn't right for me, doesn't mean it's wrong for everyone. Take Carlos, for example. He's never really been in a relationship. Always too busy with work to think about it. But he's dreamed about it forever and slept with guys here and there. It's not enough for him. He wants the whole enchilada. Love, marriage, romance...all that. And honestly, he deserves it."

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Some people just aren't meant for it. You might be one of them, but you can't know for sure until you try. You know?"

"I guess. Life is just so much more simple without all the distraction and...emotional chaos, as you put it earlier."

"It is," James agreed. "But sometimes...sometimes miracles come from it. Beauty can be born out of tragedy. As much as the bad shit hurts, sometimes there's one thing that makes it all worth it in the end."

Knowing he was probably doing the worst thing he could for the mission, Logan asked softly, "What's her name?"

"Emily."

The word was barely audible, those three syllables being so difficult for James to utter that he had to look away and fight for composure.

"She's beautiful, James. She has your eyes."

James cleared his throat, a sniffly sound following that as he rose. "I should get back in there."

"Wait, please—don't." Before he could stop himself, Logan reached up to grab James' hand. "I won't bring her up again. Just...sit out here with me. We don't have to talk."

Logan waited it out while James struggled with himself, mind and heart in an intense battle for dominance; he knew which was going to win, as James never seemed to go with his heart. Just when he thought James was going to walk away, the larger hand tightened around his before letting go. James slid under the blanket again, this time in a semi-sideways position that forced him to lean against Logan while letting his head fall to Logan's shoulder. "I like talking to you," he admitted quietly.

"I like it, too."

In spite of that, words played no part for the next half hour. Instead, they sat rocking together peacefully, James' head not moving away from Logan's shoulder and Logan's head resting against James'. At some point their fingers linked under the blanket, Logan content with nothing more than that in a way he'd never imagined he could be with someone as attractive as Hot Guy.

* * *

Carlos' hand had made it all the way inside Kendall's pants before Kendall remembered there was a mission to fulfill. Yes, this had been his goal, and yet he knew Carlos wouldn't be forthcoming in a setting where James might return at any second. He needed to extend this somehow.

"Fuck," he gasped, thought wiped away by a firm grip inside his boxers. "Carlos."

"Should I stop?"

"No, I just..." Kendall flipped their bodies so that he was leaning over Carlos, who freed his hand to drag Kendall's face down for a hot kiss. He didn't fight it, allowing Carlos' tongue to advance and wondering why he'd put off dating for so long. Yes, the job was important, but what was he missing out on by devoting all of his time and energy to it? This right here, apparently.

Suddenly Carlos was on top of him again, and when had he turned over onto his back? He didn't remember doing that. Carlos started to grind and it wasn't enough, there was too much fabric between them. Kendall reached up to unfasten Carlos' jeans, hissing when his palm slid in to run down the part of Carlos that was most excited. Maybe he _could_ get Carlos into the bedroom.

"Come with me," Kendall whispered, breath coming in sharp pants.

"Working on it."

"No," he chuckled, trying to clear his head. "My room. Come to bed with me."

A tortured whine escaped Carlos. "I swore I'd stay where he can see me."

"He's not in here now, what's the difference?"

"He's not?" That got Carlos' mind elsewhere. He sat up straight, the friction hitting at just the right angle so that Kendall groaned. "James?" he called out.

"Outside," Kendall panted. "They went out back."

"What? Shit, he can't be...no, that's not safe."

Before Kendall could protest, Carlos was up and moving while zipping his pants up. "Where are you going?"

"Sorry, Steve, just give me a second."

Kendall muttered, "Fuck" under his breath, feeling like he'd lost the moment. Carlos was thinking too hard, and the goal had been to make it so he couldn't do that and lowered his defenses. Why did Logan have to leave the room anyway?

 _To give you privacy. He's trying to get James away from Carlos, that was the plan._

Right. So really, he'd been doing his job. And Kendall had been doing his, too, he just...got a little carried away. But that didn't make sense. He was _supposed_ to get carried away and take Carlos with him.

Instead, Carlos was the one running away. They were failing.

Or maybe not. Kendall looked up when he heard Carlos return, an expression of confusion distorting his features. "What's wrong? Did you find Michael?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he uh...he's sitting in the backyard with Jeff."

"Okay. Why is that weird?"

Carlos lowered himself to the sofa, attention on something inside his head rather than Kendall. "He's...just sitting there."

"And?"

"That's it. They're sitting together and James has his head on Jeff's shoulder. I didn't say anything. I felt like I'd be interrupting."

"That's good, right? They like each other?"

"It's weird."

"Carlos, I thought you wanted this," Kendall chuckled.

"I thought I did, too." Clearly not understanding where his own head was on the matter, Carlos stood up. "I'm really sorry, but I think we need to go."

"Wait, what?" Kendall stood up from the carpet, rushing over to sit next to Carlos and sliding an arm around him. "Please, stay. If I came on too strong—"

"No, it's not that. It's not you." Carlos proved it with a tender smile, leaning in for a soft kiss. "You're perfect. _Too_ perfect. Tonight was everything I needed. Better than anything I ever dreamed I could have."

"Then why are you leaving?" Kendall wondered, not having to fake the hurt in his voice. "We can make it more perfect."

"There's nothing I want more." Another gentle kiss had Kendall sighing into it. "But James was right. I shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be taking this chance."

"Carlos, you can't live your entire life hiding. I don't know what you're so afraid of, but if you don't get out and experience life, why even try to protect it?"

"That's what tonight was about. Experiencing things. But I'm putting James in danger because for whatever reason, _he's_ the one not thinking clearly right now. So I have to. I'm sorry."

If they left now, there would be no chance. The mission would be impossible to complete. When Carlos stood, Kendall rose with him and gripped his hand firmly. "Please. Stay. I've never felt like this about anybody." He was shocked to realize it was the truth.

Carlos' reply was a sad smile. "I haven't either. But I can't take this chance. I'm sorry."

Kendall watched Carlos spin away to go back outside, his own mind racing as he tried to come up with a way to keep Carlos from leaving.

James' eyes were getting droopy by the time Carlos got his attention. "Hey. We need to go."

"Shit, really?" James moved away from Logan fast, rubbing his face with one hand. "It's already midnight?"

"No, I just...I'll explain later. We need to get home."

Logan's face fell, but he immediately worked to cover up his disappointment. He caught Kendall's eye when his partner stepped up behind Carlos, sensing Kendall's panic. Something had gone very wrong.

James was suddenly wide awake. He studied Carlos more closely. "Is it safe for you be outside?"

"Yeah, it's nothing like that. We just...would be safer at home."

"Sure. Okay, yeah. Uh...Jeff." James held out his hand for a shake, Logan managing a tiny smile for him. "Thanks for dinner. And the talk. It was..."

Again, James couldn't come up with the right words. Logan nodded anyway, then said, "Me, too."

"Let me at least walk you guys to the door," Kendall offered. When Carlos took his hand, he linked their fingers and squeezed tightly. "Are you sure?" he asked as they crossed the kitchen.

"Yeah. I know it seems rude, I kind of led you on. I didn't mean to, I had every intention of following through."

James and Logan followed behind, both listening closely to the conversation.

"So what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing," Carlos replied sadly, stopping their motion near the front door. "I told you, you're perfect."

Kendall looked as if he was about to cry. "Can I see you again?"

Probably about to say no, Carlos hesitated when he looked up at Kendall's face. He hugged Kendall to him and whispered, "I don't know. I'm a little confused right now."

"That's fine, you're allowed to be. We moved fast. Take time if you need it, just know that my door is always open to you."

"Thanks." Carlos allowed himself one last sweet kiss, drawing it out as long he could without letting it progress into something more. "This was the best date I've ever had."

"It was for me, too. Can I walk you to your door?"

Carlos looked to James for an answer, knowing that would be a negative. James surprised him by nodding. "But Steve. If anything happens to him between here and there, I'll slice out your intestines."

"Wow. Point taken. I can assure you, though, that I'd do anything to keep him safe."

James' threatening expression didn't waver. "I'm right behind you guys."

Kendall nodded and reached out to take Carlos' hand, opening the front door and taking in his surroundings, as was his habit, before leading Carlos out onto the porch.

James turned to Logan, who said, "Slice out your intestines? That's pretty intense, Michael."

With a smirk, James shrugged. "I don't mess around."

"My loss," Logan replied lightly.

The smirk died, replaced by that intense stare that sent lightning bolts shooting through Logan's body. _"Now_ you're gonna get flirty? As I'm walking out the door?"

"You made it clear you're not interested in a hook-up."

"You said the same thing," James pointed out.

"I meant it."

"So did I."

"Good," Logan nodded. "So we're on the same page, then."

"Absolutely."

"Great. It was nice meeting you."

"You, too. Enjoy your stay."

"I will. Thanks."

James turned away, the conversation over. Logan held his breath, attempting to keep from doing something foolish. It was James who started the communication back up, spinning around to ask, "So when do you leave?"

"Uh...supposed to be the day after tomorrow. If Steve needs me gone sooner, I guess that'll change."

"He looks pretty upset. You might want to stick around a few days, make sure he's okay."

"I'll think about it. I wouldn't want to abandon a friend who's dealing with a broken heart."

"Yeah, I'd do the same for Carlos. Night."

"Night. Hey, uh...Michael."

The tall figure halted, keeping his back to Logan.

"Take care of yourself. Maybe learn to forgive yourself for whatever it is you think is your fault."

"It _is_ my fault," James said in a low voice.

Knowing it would be his last chance to touch James, Logan stepped forward and off the porch to rest a hand on James' shoulder. "Then maybe work on not hating yourself so much. Your time is better spent making up for it than dwelling on it."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"No, I don't. But I know you, and I see the torture you're putting yourself through. Just...open your mind to the fact that you're a good person who deserves good things. Because I just met you, and I can see that much."

James' left hand came up to grip Logan's fingers, twining with them before he spun around so they were face to face. Logan thought he saw the same longing reflected in those deep hazel eyes, but it might've just been wishful thinking. "Go out and find yourself a boyfriend," James urged softly. "Fall in love. Because that's what _you_ deserve."

Logan's heart was back to trying to explode in his chest. "Would you slice out my intestines if I hug you right now?"

One corner of James' lips tugged up. "Try it and find out."

Though what he needed most was to kiss James, Logan satisfied himself with the hug, sliding his arms around James' waist and leaning his head on James' shoulder. He could barely breathe when the embrace was returned, James' arms wrapping around his back and holding him close. "Goodnight, Michael."

Hot breath skated over his ear. "Call me James. Please."

Logan couldn't hold back a shudder. He lifted his mouth to graze up James' neck, and there was no mistaking the sharp intake of breath when he whispered, "Logan."

"Sweet dreams, Logan."

Logan's eyes fell shut; he knew what he'd be dreaming about tonight. The strong safety of James' arms was almost enough to have him envisioning it all now. "Definitely."

"James! Come on, man!"

James disentangled himself with an exasperated sigh. "He's going to wake up the entire neighborhood."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

"You don't know how lucky you are to not have to deal with that 24/7."

"Eh, I live through my own personal hell and torture on a daily basis."

"I'm sure it doesn't even come close."

"James! Now!"

Logan grinned up at James. "You'd better go."

"Yeah. Night."

"Night."

Kendall waited until James had arrived to escape Carlos, dipping back for one quick kiss before trotting down the street. Logan watched James shove Carlos inside the house, then he looked over to lock eyes with Logan. There was a wink, and then both were gone.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Well, surprise surprise. I got impatient and posted the next chapter early. I'm blaming it on the fact that I had a really bad day at work and needed something to cheer me up. Also, this kind of wraps up date night so that we can move on to the following day, which will seem to last forever. Lots going on. I'm really really happy everyone liked the date, and that I was able to surprise you guys with Carlos being the one to shut it down. That will be explained in this chapter. Tomorrow I really need to sit down and get a lot written, because I've been posting so much and not writing enough to balance it out. I'm about to start the beginning of the end, which I had in mind from the start of this fic. Anyway, I'm rambling as usual.

Thanks so much for reading, it means everything to me! You guys are the best!

* * *

Neither spoke until they were safely enclosed in the house. Logan leaned back against the front door, eyes closed and his body a live wire. "What happened?"

"That's what we're about to find out. Come on."

Kendall dragged him by the hand to the office, fumbling in his pocket for the key.

"He hugged me."

"James?"

"Yeah. I mean, I asked first, but...Kendall, I think he wants me. I don't know how that's possible, but I felt it. He actually wants me."

"I told you you could do it!"

The door finally open, both ran in and turned on monitors before settling down in the two chairs to stare at the screens. They found Carlos in the living room, still standing by the front door and looking annoyed.

"Can I move now?"

"Hang on!"

Logan switched feeds until he found James running through the house, making the basement his last stop before climbing back up to the kitchen. "Okay, we're clear! Everything's still here and no one in the house."

"Good."

James dropped a set of keys on the small table near the door, then lifted his sweater to unstrap the knife he'd had secured in a holster.

"Did you know he had that on him?" Kendall asked with wide eyes.

"No. He must've done it when we were all out of the room trying to make me presentable."

"Okay, talk to me," James was saying now. "What did he do?"

"Nothing," Carlos answered with a shake of his head. "He was...everything I've always wanted."

"And that scared you?"

"No, James, _you_ scared me."

"Me?" Having set the knife in its hiding place in the plant, James undid the holster and spun around to frown at Carlos. "What the fuck did I do? I didn't even want to be there."

"Why did you go outside?"

"Because I couldn't stand to watch you two anymore! I know that was your goal, but—"

"You said you weren't gonna leave me alone. That I wasn't allowed to be alone with him."

Dumbfounded, James blinked down at Carlos. "I thought that was what you wanted."

"It was, but..." Carlos ran a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated. "I was wrong."

"What?"

"I was being stupid. You're right, it was a bad idea and it wasn't until you were outside where anyone could hurt you that I understood what you've been trying to tell me."

"Fuck," Logan muttered. "I ruined it."

"Shh," Kendall urged.

"I was fine outside," James pointed out. "If there had been any danger in it, I wouldn't have gone out there. I wouldn't have let Jeff go out there."

"I'm sorry, dude, but...it's not gonna go anywhere."

"Good! It complicates things too much for you to have a boyfriend. You don't think straight when—"

"I was talking about you!"

"What?!"

"Look, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I set this up hoping you would want something with Jeff, at least long enough that I'd get time with Steve, but when it actually happened I realized—"

"What the fuck are you rambling on about?" James demanded. "There was nothing between me and Jeff."

"Oh, just stop. I know you, I saw the way—"

"You're insane!" James yelled. "Yeah, of course I went along with it. That was all for your benefit! You didn't actually believe I was attracted to that guy, did you?"

Logan's stomach turned to lead. It was like someone had taken an ax and cut into his heart. Or perhaps sliced out his intestines.

"You're telling me you didn't want him?" Carlos asked, skeptical.

"Of course not! Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you I don't ever want to be with anyone again? I was trying to help you have the night you kept begging me for. That's the only reason I went outside with him and spent so much time with him in the kitchen. I don't care if I ever see that guy again!"

A heavy hand rested on Logan's knee, a silent show of comfort from Kendall. Logan said nothing; he'd never felt more hollow.

"Good," Carlos nodded. "That's a relief. Because you were right all along. I guess since you're the one who always looks out for us, I never worried. Suddenly it felt like you weren't, like your head wasn't in the right place, and I got scared. I can't let anything happen to you. You're all I have."

"Carlos..." James sighed. "That's not true. Your uncle cares so much about you. I know you think it's all about the business for him, but trust me. You're what's most valuable to him."

"Yeah, because he wants me to take over the business someday."

"No, because you're family. You're all _he_ has left. He'd do anything to keep you safe."

"Well, we almost fucked that up tonight. I'm sorry I was so stupid over Steve. I wish things were different, I wish I could be with him because he's so perfect. He's everything I want in life. But that's not the life I'm supposed to live. And I can't take a chance that they'd go after him to get to me. Like..."

James nodded, eyes downcast. "Like they went after Cristina to get to Luis. I know."

"I hate this. I don't want this life, James."

"I know." Having heard tears approaching in Carlos' voice, James dragged him in for a hug. "I'm sorry. I wish it could be different."

"And I wish you could let yourself fall in love with someone like Jeff."

"Will you stop with that? I'd never go for a guy like that. He's nothing to me."

Logan could take no more. He stood up abruptly, yanking his hand away when Kendall grabbed at it and storming out of the room. A few seconds later, Kendall heard the bathroom door slam and sighed.

"What's so bad about him?" Carlos wanted to know.

James stepped away and shrugged. "Not even worth getting into. I know you had your hopes up high tonight, and I'm really sorry."

"I just feel bad for Steve. Did you see his face when we left? I hurt him, James. I was so stupid to even go through with this, I just thought...I wasn't thinking. I wish I could apologize, but I think it's best I don't see him again."

"I think so, too. Maybe you can leave a note in his mailbox or something. Just...you know. Thanks for everything and I'm sorry, but this isn't gonna happen."

"Maybe." Carlos suddenly kicked a nearby wall. "I really like him! Fuck!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Fuck this. I'm gonna go take a shower and just...I don't know. I guess I'll go to bed."

"Do me a favor and call Luis first? You know he doesn't sleep well until he hears from you."

"Whatever. Right now my uncle can go fuck himself for putting me through this."

Kendall waited until Carlos had gone to his room for a change of clothes, James moving to the kitchen to make coffee, before he escaped the office and knocked lightly on the bathroom door. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

The tone was anything but okay. "Want to talk?"

"Nothing to say. I'm an idiot. I was dumb enough to think I had a chance with a guy like that."

Kendall let out a sigh, then twisted the knob and peeked in. Logan was sitting on the bathroom counter using a fist to wipe tears away.

"I'm so fucking stupid, Kendall. Look at me. Look at _him_. I believed everything he said, he told me he liked talking to me and I fucking fell for every word."

"I'm sorry." Not asking permission, Kendall stepped between Logan's legs and hugged him close. "I didn't really see anything going on between you two, I was too focused on Carlos. What happened outside?"

"We just talked. We cuddled a little. He held my hand. And like some naive little kid, I thought it meant something. At the end there, I could've sworn..." Angry with himself, Logan pushed Kendall away and cleared his throat. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing. Carlos is sad because he hurt me and wants to apologize but won't allow himself to see me again. He's gonna call Luis and take a shower. James is making coffee."

Logan nodded slowly, brushing away the last of the tears. "We fucked this mission up. It's over."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. It was my fault, if I hadn't gone outside, James wouldn't have gone with me and you and Carlos might've—"

"Don't. Please don't blame yourself for this. We knew James was the key and you did everything you could to turn that key. He's just..."

"Too smart for us. Too good at playing a part. He played me, that's for sure. And I did what I told you not to do—I let my feelings get in the way of the mission."

"Logan, you did what you thought was best for the mission."

"I guess I just thought I knew him better than I do. I thought the way I approached him would work to at least get past his defenses a little bit."

"I think it did. You said he has a daughter?"

"Yeah. Emily. We need to talk about everything so we can at least put it in the report for the director. I mean, it's not a total loss, we did get _some_ information we didn't have before."

"He told you her name?"

Logan nodded. "I asked. I probably pushed too hard with the personal stuff, but I tried to be non-threatening with it." Forcing Kendall further back, Logan hopped off the counter. "Sorry about this. I was just kind of blindsided with it. I really thought...well. It doesn't matter."

"Come on. Let's go sit down and compare notes while we keep an eye on them."

"At least I get one more night to watch him sleep, right?" Logan joked sadly.

As he followed Logan out of the bathroom, Kendall wondered how soon the director would pull them out. He'd ask to stay another day in order to give Carlos a chance to slip that note into his mailbox. That would also give Kendall a reason to move without raising suspicion. He'd be "so heartbroken he couldn't stand to live near Carlos anymore." They could use this.

Still, he'd failed the mission. His one chance to show he could do more, to really make a difference in the drug world, and he'd failed.

Feeling like he'd failed his family as well, Kendall offered to make coffee for the long night ahead. He could use some time alone in the kitchen to sulk.

* * *

"Did you call the director?" Logan wanted to know when Kendall returned to the office bearing two steaming mugs.

"No. I wanted to wait until we talked so I could include everything. Anything exciting?"

Logan shook his head while Kendall set down the coffee and relaxed into the empty chair. "Carlos is in the shower. James is sitting at the kitchen table just...doing nothing. Drinking coffee."

Kendall's gaze strayed toward the monitor showing the bathroom feed. "Carlos in the shower is plenty exciting."

"Sorry," Logan laughed. "Does nothing for me. And I'm sorry you didn't get to uh...enjoy that tonight. You can deny it all you want, but you were into him."

"I don't deny it," Kendall shrugged. "The truth is there were moments I forgot about the mission, too. I didn't expect that."

"No?"

"No. There's just something about him, this vitality and energy that's so attractive. He kept kissing me during the movie, just little pecks here and there and it was driving me insane because I wanted more. When he finally stopped the teasing I just...gave in. I was thinking a lot about what you said and how it's not wrong to enjoy the perks of the job. But that made me feel guilty, like I was using him."

"I guess it kind of is like that," Logan agreed. He sipped at the warm drink, letting it soothe him on the way down his throat. "But if the feelings were genuine..."

"They were. I actually really like the little shit."

Logan smiled. "He seems fun. James was complaining about how annoying he is, but I could tell he loves Carlos. _That_ much was genuine."

Kendall nodded. "So. What did you learn about our mystery man?"

"Well, it sounds like he was a prostitute at one point. You heard that, right?"

"Yeah. He seemed embarrassed about it."

"Probably doesn't want people knowing too much about his background. He closed right up every time I asked about the kid or...the girlfriend, I guess. Though he did tell me a tiny bit. He was going to propose to her, but...what was it he said? Reality got in the way. I really think it was Carlos' sister and that he somehow blames himself for her death."

"Which would make Carlos the child's uncle," Kendall mused. "So where's this kid?"

"Emily. Her name's Emily. She's adorable, Kendall. I don't know how long ago the picture I saw was taken but she's precious. And it was obvious that he misses her like crazy."

"So then...the conversation they had about the girl James would never see again..."

"Oh. You're right. I bet it _was_ her. What do we know about Cristina's death?"

"There wasn't a lot of information in the file about that, just that she was taken out awhile back. I'll ask the director more about it when I call. Though I guess it doesn't matter at this point; this mission won't be our concern much longer."

"Yeah," Logan sighed. "I have to admit, this has been my favorite so far."

"Sure, because you got to stare at a hot guy 24/7," Kendall teased.

Though Logan allowed himself a tiny smile, he shook his head. "Somehow that's lost its appeal. Now it just hurts to look at him. Which is why it's for the best that they put someone else on this. I got too close."

Kendall gave Logan a moment to get past the lump in his throat before continuing. "Anything else you picked up from him?"

"Not really. And honestly, I don't even know if I can trust anything he said. He was just humoring me."

"At what point did you think it was a good idea to tell him our real names?"

Logan sighed, having known this would come up eventually. "I had to address the 'James' thing, Kendall. Carlos messed up so many times that if we didn't ask, it would seem odd. So I asked. And he made up some lie about how James is his middle name and they called him that because there was another Michael in the family, and...I don't know. I wanted to put him at ease, I could tell the whole thing made him nervous. Plus, I was a little scared myself that I'd slip up and call you Kendall. So that was a good way to accomplish both things—it made him feel like less of a freak about it and it covered any mistakes we might make."

"I guess that makes sense, but...it's not the smartest thing for them to know our real names."

"I know. I was just thinking on my feet and...maybe a tiny bit distracted by my attraction to him. It was harder than you can imagine to be that close to him and not touch him or fall at his feet. He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen."

Kendall nodded, having heard that before. "At least I got to act on my feelings."

"Exactly. You know what's weird? When we sat outside on the swing, he laid his head on my shoulder and it was enough. I would've expected that it would be hard to keep my hands to myself, but it felt...I don't know. Right. Just sitting there holding his hand and not even saying anything. It felt right. It sucks that he wasn't feeling what I was, but...for those few minutes or whatever, I was completely content. I didn't need anything more than that."

Gaze still trained on Carlos' hands moving over soapy skin, Kendall asked, "Why did you go outside in the first place? To give us time alone?"

"I needed to get away from him," Logan admitted. "I could hear you guys and it made me crazy because I just wanted James so bad. I couldn't stand to be near him."

"And instead he followed you out," Kendall chuckled.

"I'm sure he didn't want to stare at you, either. He almost came back inside, you know. I was surprised when he didn't."

"What changed his mind?"

"The realization that he'd have to watch you two going at it." When Kendall huffed out a long sigh, Logan asked, "What did _you_ learn?"

"Nothing we don't already know. Carlos said he's in 'sales.' I almost choked on how inadequate a word that is for what he does."

"Technically, it's the truth."

"I suppose. He wouldn't tell me what he sells, just that he works for his uncle and that his parents and sister are dead. He also has a dream of marrying an undercover agent."

Logan's brows shot up. "Are you serious?"

"Totally. He was excited that I write books about them. Really wanted to read the stuff."

"How crazy is that?"

"I know. Sometimes I get this feeling like they know everything, Logan. They know who we are and why we're here and they're just playing us. It scares me."

"I don't get that feeling," Logan disagreed. "They're behaving exactly as they should in their position."

"But what are the odds that I'm exactly what Carlos is attracted to and you're what James is attracted to?"

"I'm not, though. He's made that clear."

Kendall shrugged, unable to argue the point. "It's just too much of a coincidence. Carlos is into everything I am—"

"Which is why you were specifically chosen for the mission. There's nothing coincidental about that."

"I guess. But the secret agent thing. And Carlos basically describing you when talking about what James is into. How can all of that be coincidence?"

Logan blew out a breath. "If I was someone like Carlos, who believes in fairy tales and romance, I'd probably say that it isn't coincidence; it's fate. Everything happens for a reason and we were all brought together so we could live happily ever after."

"He's adorable."

"But I'm not like him," Logan continued. "I'm more like James, who's cynical and knows better than to believe in happy endings. So my explanation is that fate is cruel and it gives us just enough of what we want to hang ourselves with. Then it yanks back what we want just when we start to believe we were wrong, and that fairy tales do exist." He paused before adding, "Guys like me don't get guys like that. We get just enough to fuel our fantasies and then? Poof. Haha, joke's on you, fate's sitting back there laughing his ass off."

Kendall's lips twisted. "That's a really sad way to look at life."

Watching James lift a mug to perfect lips, Logan shrugged. "It's how you stay sane. You don't let yourself believe, because when you do? That's what you get." He nodded his head toward the screen. "Everything you've ever wanted right within your reach and then just..."

"Poof."

"Poof," Logan agreed.

Knowing that Logan was down, Kendall offered, "Want me to take the first shift tonight?"

"Nah. I won't sleep anyway. If it's cool, I'm gonna shower again. You gonna call the director?"

"Yeah. Maybe Stone, too, give her an update."

Logan nodded. "Be back in a bit."

* * *

Nothing new was gleaned from Carlos' phone call to his uncle, where Kendall was unsurprised to find that the date wasn't mentioned at all. The director agreed to let them stay another day or two, knowing it would be best to let the situation end naturally rather than Kendall departing abruptly with no reason. He also promised to learn more about Cristina's death, excited to have an idea how James fit into the picture and thanking Kendall for the new information that would hopefully lead to something they could use. When Kendall hung up, he felt less like a failure, but still regretted that he hadn't done what he was ultimately sent there to do.

James and Carlos were quieter than usual for the rest of the evening, both seemingly subdued. Eventually Carlos turned in for the night, Kendall not comfortable doing the same until he'd seen Carlos safely tucked into bed. "You need anything?" he asked Logan on his way out.

"No. Thanks, though."

"Wake me if anything exciting happens. Unless it's James...you know. _That_ you can keep to yourself."

"Honestly I don't even think _I_ want to watch that tonight. All it's gonna do is make me sad."

Kendall leaned down to squeeze Logan's shoulder. "It's one guy. I promise, you've got so much to offer. He's just too jaded to let himself see it."

Logan nodded, obviously not believing it but also not wanting to argue. "Night, Kendall."

"Night. Wake me in six."

"You got it."

The hum of the machines seemed louder once Logan was alone and the house was otherwise silent. It had always been a comforting sound to Logan, yet tonight it bothered him. Tonight it was a reminder that this sound would probably be all he had to look forward to for the rest of his life.

"It's for the best," he reminded himself as he watched James make the rounds to ensure the house was secure. "Machines don't break your heart. Machines don't tell you they like talking to you or make you feel like there's a chance for something when there isn't. Machines don't lie."

Still, James' beauty brought a deep ache to life in Logan. It was more than just his looks; it was the way he carded fingers through his bangs when they fell forward. The way he was so careful to make sure his best friend was protected at all times. The way he sat on a counter and dried dishes, terrified to open up but allowing just enough humor to shine through so that Logan fell more in love.

It was the way he talked about his daughter, the love and affection that peeked through the sadness of missing the person who owned his heart.

"Why do you have to be so perfect?" Logan whispered, eyes following James as he checked on Carlos one last time before closing himself in his own room. "Why can't I be what you want?"

Despite his earlier words to Kendall, Logan's breath caught when James stripped out of his sweater. The jeans followed soon after, a quiet but desperate moan escaping Logan as James was bare before him, all that smooth expanse of skin a teasing reminder of what Logan could never touch.

"Why are you so beautiful?"

By the time James laid down on the mattress, Logan was breathless. It was worse now, as he knew what it was like to be caught in that intense gaze. He knew what that voice sounded like close to his ear, whispering his name. And not the fake name, his _real_ name.

"Fuck," Logan muttered, cursing his body for responding so powerfully to James. "I hate you."

James closed his eyes, Logan licking his lips and swallowing in an attempt to cool down, but then James did the one thing Logan couldn't fight. He slid his hand down his stomach to fist himself, Logan watching in agony as James' arousal grew rapidly in his hand.

"Oh god," Logan breathed. He'd not given in to this, not allowed himself to be anything other than an observer. The realization that this might be their last night in the house weighed down on him, the knowledge that he would probably never again get to witness this forcing him out of the chair long enough to close the door and lock it. "Fuck it. Just once, I'm going to enjoy this."

Logan switched off the desk lamp and loosened his belt, shivering as James' breathing turned harsh. He located the wireless earpiece and shoved it in, not wanting to miss even the slightest sound from James as his desire built. After one last look at the door to make sure he'd locked it, Logan lowered his jeans and slipped a hand into his boxers, biting his lip hard when his thumb brushed over the swollen head. Nothing he'd ever seen had aroused him as much as James did. He kept his eyes glued to the screen, glued to James' hand, only moving them away to drift up and see the ecstasy forming on James' face.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, his hand now matching James' in a steady rhythm. "Make it last, let me enjoy this a little bit longer."

James could hardly catch his breath now, though, so intensely turned on that Logan knew it wouldn't be long. The panting was loud in Logan's ear, soon giving way to whimpers that James tried to keep quiet, sending shockwaves through Logan as his touch had earlier. "James," Logan breathed, desperate to keep his own cries silent and finding that almost impossible to do.

"Logan."

The word brought Logan's movements to a standstill, sure he'd imagined it. His breath stopped as well, eyes wide as he stared at the screen. James was now writhing on the bed with his eyes closed, hips thrusting up and down into the grip while one hand clawed at the sheets.

"Logan!"

Stunned, Logan could do nothing more than continue to stare. Was he delusional?

Close to orgasm, James lifted his hips from the mattress and kept them there, his hand pumping faster and faster as he turned his face to the side and moaned into his pillow. There was no mistaking it this time—James practically screamed Logan's name into the pillow over and over as he came, the mess shooting out in an arc to spray James' neck and bare chest.

"Oh my god," Logan managed. Barely able to catch his own breath, it only took three more pumps before Logan followed suit, covering his mouth with one hand to keep the cries muted while he watched James slowly come down from his peak.

Their harsh breaths were in tandem, James still keeping his eyes closed while Logan didn't even want to blink. He hadn't imagined it. Not this, not the desire James was feeling earlier. "You lied," he said to the screen in wonder. "You lied to him."

James reached for a nearby box of tissues, using them to wipe himself clean. Logan looked down at his own soiled shirt with a grimace before ripping it over his head. He continued to watch until James' breathing was back to normal and he'd risen to open his door. Only when James was settled in bed and heading toward sleep did Logan feel it was safe to take his eyes off the screen. He sat back in the chair and ran a hand over his face. "Holy shit."

James had been the key. They'd known this and they'd used it. What they hadn't known was that the key _had_ been turned, and that perhaps with just a little more gentle force, the door would open.

Logan fastened his jeans before rushing down the hall to Kendall's room. "Kendall. Kendall!"

Having been in a light sleep, Kendall was immediately awake. "What's wrong?" he sat up to ask. "Where's your shirt?"

"Just shut up and listen to me. He lied."

"Who?"

"James. He lied to Carlos. He does want me."

Kendall blinked a few times. "What did he say? Did he tell Carlos that?"

"No. I'm not sure why he lied to Carlos, maybe because he couldn't admit it, but...trust me. He wants me. He just made it abundantly clear." When Kendall silently asked for more information, Logan said, "He screamed out my name while masturbating. Please don't judge me for watching, I couldn't—"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Numerous times."

"Jeff?"

"No." A smile graced Logan's lips as he continued. "Logan. The name I told him to call me. The name he said he likes best."

Kendall nodded slowly, absorbing the information. "So what you're saying is...we still have a chance."

"I don't know if he'll do anything about it, but...yeah. He wants me." This time he knew it to be true and grinned. "That beautiful man actually _wants_ me."

"Nice job, partner." Kendall high-fived him. "What's our next step?"

"Uh...I have no idea. I guess we wait for Carlos to make a move, but..."

"But Carlos is gonna end it."

"Right. Maybe I should be the one heading over there with flowers."

Kendall shook his head. "That'll just scare him off. You were right, you knew exactly how to approach him tonight and it worked. I'm leaving the next step up to you."

"I don't know what to say or do or...I'm sure he's scared out of his mind right now."

"Carlos said that earlier."

"What?"

"Carlos said James was scared when he met you. I figured he meant because you're an unknown threat, but he said it was because James really liked what he saw. So yeah, he's probably terrified to see you again."

"Well. I have an excuse to be here for the next two days, so I don't have to hide. James did suggest I hang around to help you through your broken heart."

Kendall smirked. "A sneaky way of saying he wants to see you again."

"I thought so at the time, then realized I was wrong. Although now..." Memories of James crying out his name returned, Logan fighting down the lust that was also coming back with a vengeance. "I can hear him breathing right now. It's such a turn-on even when he sleeps. That can't be healthy."

"Think this through, Logan. Figure out our next step. I'll call the director and let him know the mission's back on."

Logan nodded. "I'll give it some thought. Sorry I woke you."

"No, I'm glad you did. I was feeling down about the whole thing, thinking we failed. I think I did fail with Carlos, but you still have a chance with James. And I still think he's the key to getting to Carlos. At least I hope he is."

"Me, too. Okay. Goodnight. Again."

"Night," Kendall grinned. "See? I told you you had it in you!"

"Yeah, yeah. Get some sleep."

"Night."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This is (for me) a short chapter, but I needed to end it where I did before we switch to another point of view. This begins a very long day in the lives of our boys, and it will stretch out over many chapters but there's so much happening in this one day that it's necessary. Hope you like the chapter. :) Thanks for reading!

* * *

The mattress dipping down on one side stirred Logan from sleep the following morning. He blinked open his eyes to the sight of Kendall perched on the edge of the bed and smiling down at him. "I may not be Hot Guy, but I can wake you up the same way," he teased.

"Shut up," Logan mumbled, a grin taking over his features when he remembered the night before. "Coffee?"

"Right here next to you."

"Thanks." Logan indulged in a long stretch before sitting up. "Did you call the director?"

"Yeah, the mission's back on. Did you come up with any ideas for James?"

"Sort of. I don't know if it'll be enough, but it's at least an excuse to see him again."

"Do tell."

"Coffee first."

Kendall waited patiently while Logan got a few sips down.

"I'm thinking we use your heartbreak."

"Explain."

"You said Carlos wants to apologize but won't come near you?"

"Yeah, he thinks it's for the best to not see me again. So James suggested he write a goodbye note and stick it in the mailbox."

"Oh, you didn't tell me that. Is he going to?"

"I don't know. James hasn't woken him up yet."

"Well if he does, that makes my job easier. I was thinking I could go over and make a plea on your behalf. I mean, we'll assume that James will answer the door if one of us shows up, right?"

"If _anyone_ shows up," Kendall nodded.

"Right. So I go over, James opens the door, and I tell him how upset you are and that you don't understand what went wrong. Beg him to allow Carlos to come over just long enough to have that talk so you can move on."

"That could work," Kendall agreed. "But I don't see how it gets you any closer to James."

"I've been thinking about that. He made a comment right before he left last night about how I was suddenly flirty. He liked it."

"Ah. So you can turn on the charm?"

"Maybe. Hopefully. I mean, now that I know he wants me, my nerves are gone. I can be forward and not feel like it's in vain. Whether he acts on it or not, he'll still want me."

"I thought you said pushing him too hard would just scare him away."

Logan shrugged one shoulder with a smirk. "I know how to flirt in a gentle way. I know what works with him. And he's not getting away that easily."

"Damn, Logan," Kendall chuckled. "This confidence is kind of sexy."

Logan's smirk grew wider. "I will have him before this mission is through. That man is mine."

"Perfect." Kendall stood up and stretched his arms to the sky. "You get him, and I'll get Carlos. Just get me in the door. Or...him in the door. All I need is a chance to talk to him alone. Because _I_ know what works with Carlos."

"I was thinking I'd wait until Carlos goes to the gym. That way James is sure to answer the door, and without Carlos around he might be a little less...inhibited."

Kendall nodded slowly. "Then he'll have time to figure out how to get Carlos to agree to meet with me before Carlos gets home."

"We have to prepare ourselves for the possibility that James won't go along with this, that he'll want to keep Carlos away."

"True. But either way, you'll get a shot at James. And I think James can talk Carlos into almost anything."

"I think so, too. We should get out there, Carlos is probably awake by now."

"Right. How do you feel about Eggo's for breakfast?"

Logan laughed. "I think you would be the perfect husband for Carlos."

Kendall didn't answer that, but his smile gave away enough of his thoughts for Logan to know the idea caused his heart to flutter.

* * *

"Do I look okay?" Logan wanted to know as he stared into a mirror hanging in the hallway.

"You look great," Kendall promised. "Wait until Lucy tells us that Carlos is a few miles away to head over there."

"I will. Did he leave yet?"

"No," Kendall answered. "He's about to, though."

"Okay." Logan wandered back into the office, watching Carlos pick up his gym bag before heading down the hall.

"I'm out, James!"

From his position at the sink where he was rinsing the breakfast dishes, James called out, "Be careful! Text me when you get to the gym."

"I always do."

"Okay, get ready," Kendall urged. He glanced over at Logan and added, "The red sweater was a nice touch. It looks good on you."

"Thanks. My mom always says so, too."

They heard the slam of the front door through the equipment, Logan waiting impatiently while Carlos trekked to his car. "I'm antsy. I really can't wait to see him again."

"Just a few more minutes," Kendall promised.

"How is he hot even when he's just doing dishes? Those tight jeans...and who knew gray could be such a great color on anyone? I swear that shirt makes his eyes glow. His hair—" The thought was cut off when James suddenly froze. His gaze darted toward the living room before he rushed to the front window and peeked out. "What's wrong? What's happening that we're missing?"

"I don't know. I didn't see anything in the exterior feeds other than Carlos getting into the car."

They watched as Carlos backed out of the driveway, James surreptitiously spying the same thing from inside the house. As soon as the car was out of sight, James ran to the bathroom and picked up a comb, running it hastily through his hair.

"What is he doing?" Logan whispered.

James used a touch of spray to set his hair in place, then leaned down to squeeze paste onto a toothbrush.

"He's...brushing his teeth, apparently," Kendall commented. "And being very sneaky about it, which is weird. At least he'll have fresh breath if he tries to kiss you," he teased.

As if he'd heard the words, James gargled mouthwash after the quick brush of his teeth. He stared at himself from a few angles, then blew his breath out against a curled palm to test it.

"Shit," Logan muttered. "Someone's coming over. Someone Carlos doesn't know about. This ruins everything! What the fuck was I about to walk into?"

"Does he have a date or something?" Kendall wondered. "Now I'm starting to think your theory that he's working for someone else might be right. I swear, if he hurts Carlos—"

"Kendall, relax. I don't know what's going on, but I know he cares about Carlos. Maybe he's meeting with someone to try to...I don't know. Help Carlos get out of the life. Or maybe it's something with the kid, like he's trying to...shit, he's leaving. He doesn't even have a car, where the hell is he going? Where the hell is Lucy?"

"She just texted me," Kendall replied, glancing down at the phone buzzing on the desk. "Carlos is clear."

"How are we supposed to follow James without Lucy? I think this is big, Kendall, whatever he's hiding is so huge he can't even tell Carlos about it. We need to know where he's going!"

Kendall's eyes narrowed on the exterior feed before he grabbed the sleeve of Logan's sweater. "I know where he's going. Get out of here right now."

"What?"

"I've got about ten seconds to shut all this down and lock myself in the bathroom or something. Logan, he's here for you! Get out there!"

"WHAT?!"

Kendall roughly shoved Logan out of the room and toward the front of the house, then hurriedly flipped switches to shut the monitors off. He locked the office door and then ran down the hall to close himself in the bathroom. Logan heard water hitting the shower tiles just before the doorbell rang.

"Oh my god. Oh my god."

His heart beating a loud rhythm in his chest, Logan checked himself in the hall mirror one more time. He made sure there was nothing suspicious in sight and then braced himself to open the door.

James looked better than every wet dream he'd ever had. "James?"

"Hey." Appearing as out of sorts as Logan felt, James hesitated. "Were you going somewhere?"

"No, I...not yet. We were thinking about lunch later, but...hi."

"Hi."

There was nothing more, Logan wondering where his own confidence had fled to and grasping for something to say. "What's up?"

James looked down and shook his head. "Nothing. I don't know why I'm here, I should just—"

"No!" Logan reached out a hand to grip James' wrist. "Please," he said more calmly. "Talk to me. Is it about Carlos?"

"No. No, it's actually...okay, here's the truth."

Logan waited patiently, praying it actually _would_ be the truth.

"Carlos just went to the gym, he should be back in about an hour. He's still upset about last night and wishing he'd handled things better with Steve. Uh, where _is_ Steve?"

"Shower."

"Oh." That seemed to give James the boost he needed. "So last night you said you liked talking to me."

"I did. I do."

"I was just thinking that you're only here a few days and it would be a shame if you left and we didn't get to talk at all. I mean, I'm not asking much. Just...coffee would be great. A half hour and a cup of coffee. Fifteen minutes if that's all you can spare."

Unsure how to approach this in a way that wouldn't be too aggressive, Logan nodded. "It _would_ be a shame. Come on in, I'll put on a pot."

Logan didn't wait to see if James would follow; he spun away and headed toward the kitchen, relieved when he heard the front door close quietly behind him. This hesitant side of James was one he'd never seen before, and the obvious nerves intrigued him. _James_ was nervous to talk to _him?_

About to offer James a chair at the kitchen bar, Logan bit his lip when James instead hopped up onto the counter, again bringing Logan's most vivid daydream to life.

 _How are you so fucking perfect?_

"So Carlos is upset?"

"Yeah. He feels terrible. How's Steve?"

"Upset," Logan replied. "Hurt. He keeps trying to figure out what he did wrong."

"He didn't," James promised. "Please tell him that. Carlos is just at a place in his life where a relationship is a bad idea. He got caught up in the romance of it and wasn't thinking clearly."

"Steve got caught up in it, too." Logan scooped coffee grounds into a filter and then dropped that into place, shoving the little compartment closed before picking up the empty pot and moving toward the sink to rinse it out. Rather than ask James to shift his leg out of the way, Logan leaned closer from between James' knees, pinning his thigh between the counter and Logan's hip. He listened and was rewarded with a slight intake of breath as the carafe slowly filled with water. "It's crazy, isn't it? How easily people can get caught up in feelings and desires?"

"Right?" James managed, trying to sound as if the idea was laughable. Last night, it had been. "I'm glad we talked about that, agreed that it's not for us."

"Definitely not," Logan agreed. He shut off the water and slid the front of his jeans across James' leg as he moved away from the sink. "People don't think clearly when they're in love. Or even...aroused."

"It's ridiculous," James nodded. He watched Logan pour water into the top of the coffee maker, Logan feeling the steady gaze burning a hole in his back like it had the night before. Breathing was becoming slightly difficult.

Once he'd replaced the pot and turned the machine on, Logan smiled up at James. "I'm just gonna go let Steve know you're here. We wouldn't want him wandering out here naked, would we?"

"Uh, no," James laughed. "Does he uh...normally do that in front of you?"

"No. I mean, it's not like we haven't seen each other, growing up in school together. Locker rooms and whatnot."

"Right."

"What about you and Carlos? Do you two parade around half-naked?"

"Not normally, no. We haven't known each other quite as long."

"No? How did you guys meet?"

James swallowed, struggling over whether or not to tell the truth. "Through his sister," he finally said.

"Oh. Steve mentioned she passed away."

"Yeah."

Seeing that the subject was extremely difficult for James to think about, Logan let up. "I'll be right back."

"Sure."

 _Please don't leave, please don't leave, please don't run from me._

Logan practically ran to the bathroom and slipped inside. "Hey."

Kendall's head poked out from the shower. "Is he still here?"

"Yes. He just wanted to talk. Give me at least fifteen more minutes with him. If my door is closed when you come out, leave us alone."

"Do this, Logan."

"Oh, it's happening."

Logan said another prayer on the way back to the kitchen, relieved to find James exactly where he'd left him—legs dangling off the kitchen counter, long arms stretching from the short sleeves of his gray t-shirt to rest on his knees.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Steve won't be startled now if he comes out to find you here."

"Always a good thing," James chuckled.

Allowing some of what he was feeling to rise up into his eyes, Logan shared, "This is probably going to make you uncomfortable, and if it does, I'm sorry, but...can I just say how much gray brings out your eyes?"

Though Logan witnessed his guard go up, James' nostrils flared to show he was affected by the comment. "Ah, so you're getting flirty right away this time."

Logan shrugged, slowly closing the distance between them. "It's not like this is gonna go anywhere, right? Isn't that what we agreed on?"

"Absolutely." James didn't look away, tongue poking out to wet his lips before he said, "And as long as that's the case, it wouldn't hurt to tell you that red is an amazing color on you."

"Is it?" Rather than blush like he might've only the night before, Logan took the compliment as the push he needed to take the next step. He used his hips to force James' legs further apart, standing between them so that their faces were inches apart. "The sweater you wore last night. Excellent choice." He rested his hands on either side of James, effectively trapping him against a cupboard.

"A guy could get lost in your eyes," James whispered. "If he was...into that sort of thing."

"Good thing we're not."

"Exactly."

The word was mumbled, barely making sense at all through the lust raging to get out. The sound of James calling out his name the night before rang through Logan's mind, enough to get him moving. James stiffened when their lips met, Logan not backing down but instead pushing his hips forward while dragging James closer by the waist, and once the space between them was gone James lost the fight. A desperate whiny sound made its way out of his throat and into Logan's mouth while James' legs wrapped around him. The violence of the shudder that ripped through Logan made him weak for a second before he regained enough control to back up so that James was no longer on the counter but instead held up by Logan as they dove into each others' mouths.

"I don't have a lot of time," James finally managed.

Logan took that as a signal to let James drop to the ground before dragging him down the hall, James insisting that their lips be joined for the entire trek. By the time they reached Logan's bedroom door, he had James' jeans undone and one hand where it had wanted to be for days.

"Fuck," James gasped. He kicked the door closed once they were inside the room, letting Logan lead him closer to the bed. Their kissing stopped only long enough for clothing to be hastily removed before they fell to the mattress with Logan straddling James' hips.

"Never done this," Logan admitted, knowing it would have to be addressed.

"I figured. I got this covered." Logan was rolled onto his back, James reversing their positions while trying to breathe. "I don't have anything with me but I swear I'm clean."

Why hadn't Logan thought ahead? Oh right, because he hadn't known James was coming over. Kendall, though...Kendall had supplies. They'd picked them up at the store the night before hoping he'd need them with Carlos. And who knew it would be Logan that got here first? The idea was insane.

But it was happening. Logan quickly abandoned the thought of sneaking away to Kendall's room for supplies; he couldn't take the chance that James might come to his senses. "Is there...I mean, can we do without..."

"We can. It'll be rough, but...do you trust me?"

Did Logan? He stared up into the beautiful face that haunted his dreams, the eyes that had been so full of lust for him the night before in a dark room. "I trust you."

"I'll try to make it so it doesn't hurt, okay? Just..." James leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Logan's lips, one that melted him to the core. "Trust me."

In awe of another side of James he hadn't seen before, Logan allowed James to use saliva to slick them up. His hand stroking it over Logan's dick had Logan moaning, but when James brought their lips together again it was with a tender smile. "I won't hurt you."

 _I love you._

It was scary how easily those words floated to Logan's mind. This side of James reached the parts of Logan that had never been touched. He knew it was ridiculous, knew nothing good would come of it. One day the mission would be over and all of this would be gone; this might, in fact, be the only opportunity Logan would have to experience it. He kept the words to himself, but let the feelings take him over, and when James slid down to envelop him, Logan allowed them to show in his eyes.

"You're so beautiful," James whispered, trailing the backs of his fingers across Logan's cheek. "I don't know what it is about you."

Logan shook his head, not wanting words to ruin this. He dragged James down again, kissing him hard while James started to move, and it was the purest ecstasy he'd ever known. James rode him slowly at first, wanting it to last, but eventually their pace sped up so that Logan was thrusting harder and faster to meet each push. "Oh god! Logan!" James yelled just before he came, the release and the sound of his name tipping Logan into his own orgasm that left him shaking under the heavy body. Before he could catch his breath James was kissing him again, suffocating him with it but he didn't care if he never breathed again; all he wanted was this right here, for James to smother him and keep him pinned down and to never leave.

James finally collapsed over him, both of them fighting for air while Logan's arms held James close. He felt James open his mouth, knew the words that were about to break free, and couldn't bear to hear them. "Don't go," he pleaded before James could speak. "Just...please. Give me a little longer with you."

Instead of the sorrow or frustration Logan expected, it was tenderness that stared down from sparkling hazel eyes. James' thumb traced his brow, Logan lifting his lips to kiss James' wrist because it was there. The wrist was replaced with James' mouth, which moved with that same tenderness over Logan's, and just as he had been the night before, Logan was filled with peace.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So the pattern is apparently I have a not-so-great day at work, you get a chapter! We all have our coping mechanisms, and this is mine I guess. Thanks so much for all the feedback on the last chapter, I'm really glad you liked it (well, those who told me they did anyway haha). I knew for sure Side1ways and EpicallyObsessed would enjoy that. Hope you like this one, too! Thanks again for reading!

Oh and Side1ways, I should warn you that there are no line breaks in this at all. It just keeps going. P.S. CHOCOLATE AND COCONUT MAKE MAGIC TOGETHER! :P

* * *

After drying himself off and slipping back into the clothing he'd been wearing, Kendall wondered if it was safe to exit the bathroom yet. Had Logan been successful? Had James run away? If he had stayed, would Carlos hear about this visit at all? Kendall could see how James might want to keep it a secret, considering he didn't even want Carlos to know of his feelings for Logan. And why was that? Maybe he just didn't want Carlos to worry.

His phone buzzed next to the sink, Kendall glancing down to read the incoming text from Lucy with growing panic.

" _He's coming back. I don't know why, he was only in the gym for ten minutes but he's on his way back home now."_

Shit.

Should he warn James? No, he couldn't. He wasn't supposed to know things like that.

" _Can you stall him?"_ Kendall sent back.

" _of course. Why?"_

" _James is here right now and Carlos doesn't know."_

Or _was_ James here? Before he continued to freak out, Kendall should discover if that was actually the case.

" _James is there? Are you guys okay?"_

Kendall ignored that for the moment and quietly opened the bathroom door. The scent of fresh coffee hit him immediately, but he heard nothing. No footsteps, no objects being moved around, no voices.

At least until a loud cry reached him from the direction of Logan's closed bedroom door.

"Oh god! Logan!"

 _Shit._

Normally Kendall would've been rejoicing. Now he was in a panic that Carlos would arrive home at the worst time. He certainly couldn't interrupt Logan, not now. Logan needed this time with James to further the mission.

Mind racing, he answered Lucy. _"We're fine. How much longer until he's home?"_

" _About ten minutes. Want me to stall him?"_

Kendall thought it over and finally shook his head. They couldn't risk losing the ground they'd gained with James; maybe this was a perfect opportunity to win Carlos back. Kendall could use this.

" _No. I've got it handled. Just please stay away until we tell you it's clear. We're finally getting somewhere."_

" _Done."_

Kendall sat at the breakfast bar weighing his options. There were so many different ways this could go. Carlos would most likely flip out when James was gone. His first step would be to call James, and then James would have to answer and it would ruin the mood. How to keep that from happening?

The solution came to him with five minutes to spare. After running a comb through his hair and quickly changing into fresh clothes, Kendall slid into a pair of shoes and headed outside. The best place he could be was where he could distract Carlos. He turned on the garden hose and took up a spot at the edge of his lawn where Carlos wouldn't be able to miss him upon arrival.

Unfortunately, it was Rocket who arrived first. Coming back from a walk around the block, the dog excitedly ran up to Kendall while Teresa trailed along, lightly holding on to the leash.

"Hey, buddy," Kendall smiled, inwardly cursing the dog and its owner for again having the worst timing. Sure enough, he heard Carlos' car approaching as he bent down to scratch Rocket behind the ears while aiming the water away.

"Hi, Stephen. Sorry, you know how he is."

"I certainly do. Did you have a good walk, buddy?"

To his left and two houses away, Carlos was pulling into the driveway. Kendall's current distraction would give him the chance he needed to rush into the house without confrontation.

"He always does," Teresa laughed. She glanced away when Carlos exited the car. "Howdy, neighbor!"

Carlos' gaze strayed to Kendall's face first, the brief hint of longing quickly replaced with disinterest and then a fake smile for Teresa. "Hey, there."

Kendall continued to pet the dog, praying Carlos would look at him again. Instead, Carlos moved to the trunk and ignored them.

 _Dammit, look at me. I know you want to, look at me again._

"So how are you liking the neighborhood so far, Stephen?"

"It's...nice." Raising his voice to carry the distance, Kendall added, "Everyone here is very welcoming. I've met some amazing people."

Carlos' arm froze in the act of reaching up to close the trunk.

"That's wonderful," Teresa smiled. "That invitation to join me for dinner is still open. Did I mention my husband moved out a few weeks ago?"

The trunk slammed shut with a bang loud enough to make them both jump and the dog start barking.

"Rocket, it's okay," Teresa soothed. She glanced over at Carlos to explain, "Loud noises set him off."

"Sorry about that."

For Carlos, who was usually friendly and cheerful, the clipped tone bordered on rudeness. Kendall's heart soared when he realized that Carlos was jealous.

"That's so kind of you, Teresa, but I'm afraid I can't. The truth is my heart belongs to someone else. I'm still hoping for—"

"You should go."

Carlos' words were like a knife twisting in Kendall's heart. They both turned to look at him and he continued. "I'm sure you'd have a great time, Steve. You deserve a little romance and happiness in your life. I hear Teresa's a great cook."

Refusing to let him off that easily, Kendall spoke through the pain. "That may be, but I'm still holding out for the one that's captured my heart. I think there's a chance we can make it work."

Carlos shook his head, not meeting Kendall's eyes. "Don't waste your time holding out for something that will never be. Let yourself be happy now."

When Kendall had no reply to that, Teresa laid a hand on his arm. "No pressure, Stephen. If you change your mind, you know where to find me. Come on, Rocket." Reluctantly, the dog followed as she pulled on the leash. "It was nice seeing you again," she said to Carlos, who nodded once before turning away.

 _Fuck._

Carlos would be inside before Teresa even cleared his property. Kendall wanted to call out to him, but knew better than to give away his real name.

 _Fuck fuck FUCK._

"Hey!" he called out in desperation. Carlos halted just before disappearing around a corner of the garage. Unfortunately Teresa turned back as well, Kendall groaning inwardly. Why was this woman always ruining everything? "See you around?" he tried anyway, gaze locked to Carlos.

Most likely remembering their first conversation as Kendall was, Carlos couldn't hide the flash of pain that crossed his features. "I'm sorry," he mouthed, then quickly rounded the corner.

Teresa's eyes moved from Kendall to Carlos and back again. Smart enough to keep her mouth shut this time, she led Rocket down the sidewalk.

 _Fuck._

 _Now_ how was he supposed to keep Carlos from interrupting Logan and James?

 _Fuck it. I'm going over there._

Kendall dropped the still-spewing hose and walked to the faucet, bending down to turn it off when a panicked cry reached his ears.

"JAMES?!"

Bless Carlos for having the lungs of a child screaming for his mother. Now he had an excuse to approach, because anyone within a five-mile radius probably would've heard that scream.

Which meant, of course, that not only did Teresa turn back, but Rocket raised the alarm with a round of barks as well.

"Shit. Shit shit shit!"

Kendall went running toward the house, Carlos almost barreling into him as they met on the porch. He wrapped his hands around Carlos' biceps and shook him gently to get his attention. "Carlos. It's okay."

"Steve, he's gone, James is gone, I knew I shouldn't have left, something told me today was the day they'd come for me, they took him and—"

"Shhh. Carlos. Please. He's fine."

"No, he's—"

"Is everything okay?"

"Oh my god, I'm going to hurt this woman," Kendall said under his breath before turning a smile on Teresa, who had of course made her way back toward them. "It's fine!" he called out. "Just a misunderstanding!" Realizing how it must look, him holding Carlos the way he was, Kendall urged softly, "Tell her it's fine."

Carlos' eyes were still wild. "It's not fine, James is missing and—"

"Carlos." The commanding tone got through to him. "Tell her. It's fine."

The wildness slowly faded, Kendall frustrated to see a touch of fear and mistrust replace it. "It's fine!" Carlos said to Teresa, that fake smile in place again. "I thought I lost something, but it turns out it somehow ended up in Steve's backyard!"

Not far from the truth, Kendall supposed. "Come on, let's go get it." He slung an arm over Carlos' shoulder, steering him toward the sidewalk.

"Steve, no, something is really wrong," Carlos hissed. "James would never leave on his own, someone came for me and—"

"He's at my house."

That stopped Carlos' motion, Kendall forced to halt with him. "You're lying."

"Trust me, Carlos. Just get into my house and I'll explain."

"No."

If Kendall didn't know Carlos had a reason to be so paranoid, he would've screamed. Instead he took a deep breath and promised, "You're safe in my house."

"I'm not safe anywhere. James was right, he tried to tell me that and I was stupid to think it was okay to trust anyone. Right now, I don't even trust you."

"I know, and that really hurts because I've never done anything to make you doubt my feelings toward you. Just come home with me and I'll explain everything." When Carlos continued to hesitate, he added, "Teresa is still watching us. Trust me, you don't want to get that busybody into your business."

After an inner struggle, Carlos started walking again, this time on his own. "Is Jeff still there?"

"Yes. And that's exactly why Michael—or James, if you prefer—is in my house right now."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes."

"No. No, Steve, no, he swore to me he didn't like Jeff!"

Kendall twisted the knob to open his front door and gently pushed Carlos inside. "He lied."

"I knew it! I fucking knew it! He waited until I left today, didn't he? Then ran right over here."

"I'm not sure how it happened. I only know that he showed up while I was in the shower and when I got out...they were in Jeff's room."

"That fucker! He wouldn't let me have you but then he goes and gets a piece of ass for himself?"

"Shh," Kendall warned. "I'm sure he's already embarrassed enough about the whole thing, if he told you he didn't like Jeff."

"I can't believe this. I can't fucking believe this." Carlos dropped onto the sofa, head in his hands. "How can he be so stupid?"

Kendall lowered himself next to Carlos, sitting as close as possible. "Because sometimes feelings outweigh our intelligence. Sometimes you say yes when someone invites you to dinner even though you know it's a bad idea. Because sometimes you want something so badly it's worth the risk."

Hearing the pain in Kendall's voice, Carlos lifted apologetic eyes to him. "I'm sorry. I swear I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know," Kendall nodded. "You're a kind man, it's not in your nature to hurt people. I just met you and I know that much."

"It's just...I can't tell you. There's so much I can't tell you and it wouldn't be fair to put you in the same kind of danger I'm in. You deserve someone who can love you without fearing it'll hurt you in the end."

"Like Teresa?" Kendall smirked. "You gonna try to pass me off on her again?"

"Ugh, that woman. I was just trying to let you know that there's no chance for us. I wanted there to be. It's just not gonna happen. I'm so sorry."

Kendall let that digest, hearing the finality in the statement. Carlos had decided against him and there would be no swaying him because he _did_ carefor Kendall. He'd managed to win Carlos over only to have it backfire. "I don't really understand, but...I do."

"You're an amazing guy, too, you know. I heard what you said outside, I know that was about me."

"All of it was about you." Unable to hold back, Kendall lowered his face for a kiss, Carlos' breath catching before he melted into it.

"That was our last kiss," Carlos warned.

"I wasn't ready. Can we try one more time?"

Carlos' lips drew up into a smirk. "Sneaky."

"Is that a yes?"

"Last one. Forever."

"Forever," Kendall agreed.

This time Kendall put everything into the kiss, praying it would be enough to keep Carlos from resisting him. It seemed to go on for hours, neither wanting it to end, but Carlos eventually put a stop to it, a dazed expression on his face. "I will never forget that kiss," he whispered.

"I will never forget you," Kendall promised.

"I wish it could be me. But you're gonna find someone better than me and marry him, and that's what you deserve."

"I'll still be thinking of you."

"You're sweet," Carlos smiled. "I won't forget you, either." Seeing in Kendall's gaze that he wanted nothing more than another kiss, Carlos stood up and pulled Kendall with him. "Come on, I need to go get James."

"Can't you give him a little more time? Jeff really likes him a lot."

"It's too dangerous. If James went so far as to sneak over here behind my back, that means he's really far gone and we can't afford for him to be distracted like that. It sucks for Jeff, but...that's how it's gotta be."

They approached Logan's bedroom door, Carlos raising a hand to knock when a low moan came from behind the wood. "Oh hell," Carlos muttered. "They're right in the middle of it."

"At least let them finish this. It's probably the only chance Michael will have to do this for a long time."

"It's not like it's been years or anything."

"How about you?" Kendall asked softly. "Has it been years for you?"

"Something like that."

Reaching out to link their fingers, Kendall gently pulled Carlos away from the door and toward his own bedroom. "So...since we know it's not gonna happen for us...would it be wrong to enjoy each others' company just once before we say goodbye?"

"Yes," Carlos answered firmly.

"Why?"

"Because I'd want more. I'm sorry, I can't allow it."

"I understand."

"James! Yes! Oh god, yes, just like...fuck!"

Carlos swallowed hard, having to look away from Kendall. Knowing now was the time to strike, Kendall closed the distance between them. "What if I swear it's only once and I won't push for a second time?"

"No," Carlos replied, but it sounded weak. "I can't."

A high-pitched whine came from behind the closed door, followed by James clearly yelling out, "So fucking good!"

Watching Carlos' eyes fall closed, Kendall took the opportunity to kiss his neck. Carlos trembled under the touch, fingers clawing at Kendall's shirt when he applied a sucking pressure. "One time, Carlos," he begged before latching onto the warm skin again. "Just once I need to know what it feels like with you. Then I can move on." Carlos' head fell back, his breathing shallow. Kendall accepted the unspoken invitation, sucking his way down Carlos' neck to fasten his mouth over a collarbone. "Please."

"Fuck!" Carlos exploded, shoving Kendall away but only enough to get them both inside the room and slam the door before tackling Kendall to the bed and writhing over him. Kendall wasted no time; in under a minute Carlos' clothes had disappeared, his own joining them next to the bed soon after. Grateful he'd researched exactly how all of this worked, Kendall prepared each of them like a pro, only stopping long enough to ask, "Top or bottom?"

Carlos answered the question by snatching the condom out of Kendall's hand and rolling it over him, Kendall hissing at the touch. "Should've known I couldn't say no to you," Carlos murmured, mouth bending to suck at patches of Kendall's thigh and making him delirious with need. "Something in your eyes. Something in your smile. You're dangerous."

"I'm in love," Kendall corrected, reaching down to lift Carlos up and over him. "I know how crazy that sounds, and maybe it is. Maybe this is just a momentary madness. But it's real and it's the most incredible thing I've ever experienced and I'm not going to let this chance get away from me. I wanted you from the moment you said, 'If you're lucky.' I am right now. The luckiest man alive."

"You're so sappy," Carlos smiled, leaning down to kiss Kendall before adding, "And I love it."

"Take a chance on me, Carlos. I swear I'd do anything in my power to keep you safe."

Carlos melted before stating, "You don't know what you're up against. What you'd be getting into."

"I don't care. Just think, you'd have two people looking out for you. Three, if you count Jeff."

"Jeff's leaving."

"Not if he's fallen for Michael. I don't think he'll be leaving for awhile."

"Michael isn't thinking clearly. Once he does, he'll realize this can't continue."

"Just let me make love to you, and then decide. If you still don't want me after that, I'll let you go."

Without warning, Carlos lowered himself down into position, slowly taking Kendall in to the hilt so that they both groaned from the pleasure. "I want you. I definitely want you, that's not gonna change. I just can't have you."

"You can."

"Please make love to me," Carlos whispered. "Just once, I want to know what it feels like to be loved."

Kendall led into the act with kisses, losing himself in them so that when Carlos began to move over him, it was almost a surprise. He gasped, as the feeling of being buried inside a woman had never been even half this intense. Carlos kept the pace slow, neither in a hurry to hasten the end, and it wasn't until the pleasure reached a fever pitch that Kendall took control. He rolled Carlos onto his back, determined to make this last as long as he could, and pulled out almost completely before slowly plunging back in, each thrust more delicious than the one before it.

"How are you so perfect?" Carlos breathed into his ear toward the end. "Why can't things be different?"

"I'm not asking you to love me," was Kendall's answer. He thrust in again before continuing. "I know that's asking too much. Just..." Another pullback before he buried himself with a whine. "Remember this. Remember that somebody knows how special you are and would give you all the things you want if you'd just let him." Carlos' legs suddenly tightened around his waist, holding him in place.

"I want so much."

"You can have it with me."

"I wish I could."

"Let me show you."

Carlos' breath hitched, Kendall knowing he was close and finally ready to bring it home. He kept his upper body in place and pumped his hips in a faster rhythm, the friction enough to send Carlos over the edge. Kendall held on just long enough for Carlos to wind down before letting himself go with a low cry of bliss, his entire being shaking from the force of it.

Not wanting to crush Carlos, Kendall rolled onto his side and got rid of the condom before reaching down for the blankets he'd never replaced upon waking halfway through the night. Once they were snuggled down inside the covers, he pulled Carlos against him and kissed his forehead. "Don't ever leave."

Carlos only chuckled.

"That was amazing, right? Or was it just me?"

"No," Carlos assured him. "Not just you. I should go. James is probably worried about me by now."

"Text him. Tell him you're safe."

Right on cue, Carlos' phone rang. He groaned and leaned away from Kendall to reach down for his pants, answering the call just before it would've gone to voicemail. "I'm fine. No. Actually, I'm right across the hall from you, Mr. 'I don't care if I ever see him again, he means nothing to me.' Uh huh. Yep. Don't even start with me, you caved first. I don't know, I think they were supposed to have lunch today."

"We can eat here," Kendall chimed in.

"He says we can eat here, would you and Jeff care to join us? Why are you asking me, you two are the chefs around here. Just let us know when it's ready. Because I'm busy and I don't want to face the world yet, okay? Let me have my moment before I have to be a responsible adult again. Fine."

Carlos tossed the phone to the floor before snuggling up to Kendall again. "They'll let us know when lunch is ready."

"Did he freak out?"

"He started to, until I reminded him he gave in first. Such a hypocrite."

"It's because he cares."

"I know. I'm lucky to have him."

"He's lucky to have you."

Carlos smiled up at Kendall. "You're only saying that because you're in love with me."

"Guilty."

Having not expected that answer, Carlos reached up to caress Kendall's cheek. "You were supposed to argue and say that you don't love me, you just have very strong feelings for me."

Kendall let his lips curve up into a grin. "I would, but I don't lie."

"Good thing. I can't fall in love with a man who lies."

Genuine guilt washed through Kendall, whose entire job was made up of lies. "I thought we weren't falling in love."

"Sounds to me like it's a little late for that on your end."

"Sounds to me like it's heading in that direction for you."

Though Carlos looked like he wanted to argue the point, instead he kissed Kendall deeply.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hey guys! I'm back with more. For this chapter we switch back to Logan's point of view. Thanks so much for reading! I really hope you're still enjoying the story. :)

* * *

After the first round, neither James nor Logan wanted to ruin the mood with talk; each of them knew this would only end one way, and both were happy enough to delay that ending as long as they could, so for awhile held each other in silence.

James was finally forced to end it, though. "Carlos should be back from the gym soon."

Logan nodded, knowing what that meant. The arms currently holding him hostage would soon part, leaving Logan alone with nothing but memories of the best moments of his life. "Thanks for the uh...talk."

James' chest rumbled under Logan's cheek as he laughed. "Yeah, I'd say we had a lot to talk about."

"I'd really love to continue this conversation another time."

"So would I," James agreed, lips moving against Logan's forehead. "Unfortunately, it needs to end here."

"I know." When he tilted his face back in search of James' mouth, he was relieved that James eagerly met the kiss. "We said from the start we weren't looking for anything."

"Not even a hook-up," James agreed. "Look at us now."

"Are you mad? I started this, I was the one who pushed it."

"I easily could've ended it, had I wanted to. It was a horrible idea. The worst thing I could possibly do at this point in time."

"Why did you, then? What made you come over here today?"

"I'm not exactly sure," James admitted. "I think it was a mixture of your eyes and the way you say my name."

"James?"

"Just like that," James sighed. "I fell asleep last night hearing that echo through my head."

Logan's lips quirked up when he remembered just how James had tired himself out. "I fell asleep thinking about you, too."

"What was it about me?"

"You don't want to know." Logan started to sit up, but James pulled him back down.

"Yes, I do."

"I promise you don't."

James waited until Logan was looking at him again. "Try me."

"Okay, you asked for it. It's the way you talk about Emily."

Just as he'd expected, James' arm muscles tightened and the wall came up to shield his eyes.

"Told you you wouldn't want to hear it."

"I barely even talked about her, Logan."

"I think it was more that I could see how badly you wanted to. I could see that she owns your heart. Go ahead and hate me for it, but any man who loves his daughter as much as you love yours is a man I want to get to know better."

When emotions rose into his eyes, James attempted to fight them off by sitting up and moving away from Logan. Sensing it might be a mistake, Logan pushed on anyway. He ran a hand up James' back and said, "I don't know the story, and I don't know why she isn't with you now, but I do know that you miss her dreadfully. If you ever want to talk about her, I'm more than happy to listen."

James shook his head. "It hurts to talk about her."

"Is she alive?"

"Yes."

"I won't ask any questions," Logan promised. "But I'd love to hear more about her, even just little things like...about how much she loved that hat."

"She hated that hat," James replied, but it was with a soft laugh. "Pulled it off any chance she got. We were lucky to get that picture before she yanked it away."

Logan smiled, rubbing James' back soothingly. "She looked adorable in it."

"That was her Easter outfit. Her mother picked out the dress. I chose the hat."

"Did she hate the dress, too?"

"Nope. Loved the dress."

"Well, you can't always please a woman."

For an attempt at humor, it wasn't the best. James laughed anyway, turning to lay back down on his side and face Logan, their heads sharing the same pillow. "Do you know that outside of Carlos, you're the first person to make me laugh in over a year?"

"Maybe you're just ready to laugh again."

"Maybe you're just that amazing."

"I did win you over in less than twenty-four hours," Logan pointed out. "I feel like that's hard to do."

"Impossible."

"So am I just that good?"

"I don't remember."

"What?" Logan asked, confused.

"I don't remember if you're good or not. I think if we hurry, you have just enough time to remind me before Carlos gets home."

Shivers ran through Logan when he understood what James wanted, and just like that he couldn't breathe. "It's scary how much power you have over me."

"That is entirely mutual."

Their second time was rushed but just as intense, and when James eventually attempted to reach for his phone to check on Carlos after a brief rest, Logan derailed him with a passionate kiss that drove all thought from his head except the need for more. He didn't argue when Logan pressed him back against the mattress again, both of them knowing that when it was over, it was over. "I'll make it quick," Logan promised, and James' answer was to eagerly spread his legs in invitation. Round three was over before they knew it, Logan kissing a trail down James' spine as he was allowed to retrieve his phone this time.

"You have the most incredible lips," James hummed, then those lips stopped moving when James tensed up. "It's later than I thought. He should be home, shit! Probably in a panic wondering where I am. Why hasn't he called me? Something's wrong. Fuck, I knew this was a bad idea."

Logan was about to apologize, but it would've been a lie; he wasn't sorry. Instead he kept his mouth shut while listening to James' side of a conversation.

"Are you okay? Are you at home? Where the hell are you?" James' eyes fell closed, a hand rubbing over his face. "So you know about that? Did you and Steve...? Carlos, are you insane? We talked about this, you can't—okay, fine. So what happens next? Well...yeah, I mean...what's for lunch? You can't come out and help? Why not? Whatever. Just...stay safe."

When James hung up and groaned in frustration, Logan ran a hand up his back again. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. We're in charge of putting lunch together."

"For who?"

"The four of us, apparently. Carlos and Steve are too busy fucking each others' brains out to help."

Logan's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me?"

"Nope. He's currently in bed with Steve, doing exactly what I told him not to do."

Trying to hide his relief and excitement over the fact that they'd both accomplished their tasks, Logan rolled his eyes at the comment. "It's not like you have room to talk, you know. What the hell did you just do in here?"

"I took care of an itch that needed scratching."

"Is that all I am to you? An annoying itch?"

"An irresistible itch," James corrected, dipping in for a kiss. "An itch so beautiful I couldn't live another second without scratching it."

"Careful there," Logan murmured. "That was almost romantic."

"Good thing we're not like that."

"No kidding. Wait, did you see that?"

James followed Logan's gaze up to a corner of the ceiling, immediately on alert. "What?"

"I could swear I just saw a heart floating around. And...are those birds singing? Do you hear it?"

Catching on to the joke, James tried to glare at Logan but couldn't hide the smile that wanted to break free. "Not funny, asshole."

"Damn, and just when I thought 'Beautiful' was going to become my nickname."

Though he tried to hide this feeling, too, Logan saw the affection shining through the shield James always had up as they closed the distance for a kiss. James could fight it all he wanted to, but Logan knew what that look meant.

James was losing his heart.

* * *

They each took a little time in the bathroom to clean up and get dressed, then Logan joined James in the kitchen. James was facing the sink, staring out the window as his eyes scanned the street. It was just like his favorite daydream, and as Logan approached he couldn't keep from running his hands up James' back to squeeze the broad shoulders.

Though he felt that the touch pulled a light shudder from James, what James said was, "I need to run home for a minute."

Unsurprised, Logan nodded. "Will you come back?"

"Yeah." James spun to grip Logan's sides gently. "Carlos is here, I can't leave him alone." Before Logan could say it, he added, "Not that he's alone, I just..."

"I get it."

James studied Logan with an analytical gaze before saying, "I think you actually do."

"Is that wrong?"

"No, it just makes things harder. You're supposed to find me weird or...be annoyed or...at least not...why do you have to be so perfect?" James asked softly.

It was a question Logan had asked himself about James too many times to count. He knew the anguish James was feeling, knew the torment of wishing someone had just one flaw that was enough to break through the need to be with him. "I'm sorry," Logan whispered, and there was a grain of truth in it; he didn't want James to suffer.

Without warning Logan was lifted off his feet and turned around so that he was sitting on the counter, breath catching because _of course_ James would be the one to know exactly how his fantasies played out in his head and make them come true. He could barely breathe by the time James slipped between his legs and closed the distance for a probing kiss, Logan opening his mouth wide while losing his fingers in James' hair. It was enough to get him hard again, the ache spreading through him like a fire that only James knew how to quench. He let out a harsh breath, desperate for contact where he needed it most, and whined when James pulled him closer to make it happen. The friction was unbearably good, James just as hard and breathless. Logan closed his legs around the tall body, trapping it there, and it was a mistake because that was enough to bring James to his senses.

"I'm sorry," James managed hoarsely, still panting as he backed away. "I can't...I have to...I'll be back."

Before Logan could say a word, James was gone. "Fuck," he muttered, more because his body was screaming than he thought he'd screwed up. Carlos was here, there was no doubt James would be back. He closed his eyes and rested his head against a cupboard, attempting to slow his breathing. "God, you're more amazing than I even imagined."

"Thanks, but somehow I suspect you're not talking about me."

Logan's eyes flew open in surprise, relief flooding him that it was Kendall who'd just entered the kitchen. Though he was fully dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, Kendall had that rumpled "I just had the best sex of my life" look about him and Logan wondered if he did, as well. "Sorry," Logan smirked. "I'm afraid my heart is reserved for someone else."

The amusement in Kendall's gaze died. "I just saw him leave. Is he coming back?"

"Yeah. Pretty sure he's checking on the...wait, where's Carlos?"

"Sleeping. He actually fell asleep in my arms. No one's ever done that before."

Logan smiled. "He's adorable. You okay?"

"I'm..." With a shake of his head, Kendall answered, "Not really sure. A lot of things going on in my head right now. You?"

"Same. He's everything I ever wanted in a man, but so much more than I could imagine was possible. It sucks to know this will end one day, and that when it does he might hate me."

Kendall nodded slowly. "He won't, though. We'll get what we need and then end it in a way that they don't know why it happened."

"James said it isn't going to happen again. This was it, Kendall."

"Carlos said the same thing." Kendall moved to the fridge for a bottle of water, tossing one to Logan before adding, "It's our job to change their minds."

"I don't think I can. He wants me, but he knows it's a bad idea."

"He knew coming over here at all today was a bad idea, and he couldn't resist. I think you have it in you to keep him coming back. Use that."

Logan said nothing, thoughts heavy as he unscrewed the cap and downed a few swallows.

"Logan."

He glanced up to reluctantly meet Kendall's shrewd gaze. "Can you do this? I need your head in the game. You're the best shot we have to keep James' guard down. He's still the key to getting me closer to Carlos."

"How much closer can you get?" Logan pointed out, smirking but not really amused.

"This is just step one and you know it. We got them, now we have to keep them and make them trust us enough to bring us into their world. Did you learn anything new?"

Thinking back to the little they'd talked in the room, Logan shook his head. He'd learned a tiny bit more about Emily, and he supposed that was good. It meant James' wall was continuing to come down. "He just talked a little about Emily. Nothing useful to us." Still, Logan wanted to hear more. James was never more beautiful than when talking about his daughter.

"Carlos didn't say anything, either. We have lunch for that, though, let's see what we can get out of them." His eyes widened as he caught sight of something out the window. "He's back. Come get us when lunch is ready!"

Logan tensed up, barely aware of Kendall disappearing in a rush. The sound of a knock surprised him, and he hopped down to open the front door with a frown. "You locked it even though you knew you were coming right back?"

"Of course. Carlos is inside, I can't take a chance. Which reminds me, is your back door locked?"

"As far as I know?" Logan turned away to go check that, assuming James would follow. He glanced back once as he neared the kitchen, motion stopping when he saw that James hadn't moved but was instead staring at him with one hand behind his back. Dread pooled in Logan's stomach. He knew what James was hiding, knew how skilled the man must be with that knife.

Something had gone horribly wrong.

Just like that, Logan understood; Kendall had been right, they _had_ known all along, and he and Kendall were the ones being played. His face paled, trembles causing his hands to shake. "James?" he tried anyway, voice stronger than he would've thought possible. "Everything okay?" He said a silent prayer that Lucy was somehow watching. They'd been stupid to let their own guards down.

"Honestly...no. Things are as far from okay as they could possibly be right now. And I really wish it could be different, but..."

There was a look in James' eyes that further scared Logan, a sheen of regret for whatever he was about to do. Knowing it was the worst idea, Logan slowly approached James anyway. Maybe he could manage to disarm James, though he'd never been as good as most agents at hand-to-hand combat. Was Carlos even at this moment taking care of Kendall in the room? Had they planned this? "What's wrong?"

"Everything," James admitted. "Everything's just...so fucked up."

That much Logan could agree with. He nodded.

"I can honestly say I wish I'd never met you."

That hurt to hear, yet at the same time Logan could empathize; it had been so much easier to pine for James without actually _knowing_ what he was missing. "Wow," he said softly, angry at himself for the tears pricking against his eyelids. This was not the time to lose his focus to emotion.

"I know that's hard to hear," James said apologetically. "It's hard to say. But it's true, because all of this would be so much easier if I hadn't let you get to me. If I could just look at you and not care. But I can't, so..."

James' right arm moved. Logan held his breath, stomach clenching as he braced himself to counter whatever attack James was planning. A flash of red confused him, his hand automatically shooting out to grip James' wrist hard and hold it tight before it clicked that what James was holding wasn't a knife. It wasn't even a weapon at all.

It was a rose. A crimson rose that had fully opened so that each petal curled back on itself, bright green leaves still clinging to the long stem.

Logan stared in awe, his fingers slowly loosening their grip while his mouth dropped open. He still couldn't breathe.

"I think it's almost dead now, but we haven't been keeping up with the garden since we moved in, so...it's the best I could do."

His mind was still trying to comprehend what was happening, that James wasn't attacking him but was instead...what exactly? "What is this?" Logan whispered, entire body trembling now due to emotions flooding him.

James seemed speechless for a few seconds, then looked away. "Dumb. It's dumb. I don't know what I...you're right, this was...it was just a stupid spur-of-the-moment thing and I—"

Logan's grip tightened until he could drag James into the house. He used his free hand to slam the front door before using his body to do the same, slamming James up against the wood for a kiss that was intense enough to bring moans out of each of them. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Logan finally whispered, directly into James' ear. "You can't do this to me."

"I know, I said the same thing, but..." James' breath was harsh. "I heard the birds singing."

Any hope Logan had of guarding his heart crumbled. He kissed James again, much more tenderly this time.

"I'm sorry," James grated once he could. "I didn't want to."

Logan gently pried the rose from James' fingers and lifted it to his face. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent, which would from that moment forward always remind him of this man. It was a curse he would live with for the rest of his life, though he had no way of knowing it then. "It's beautiful. It's perfect." He opened his eyes to look up at James. "Just like you."

James swallowed hard. "I still can't promise you forever. Not even anything more than today."

"Then we'll make sure today counts."

The bittersweet smile he received touched Logan's heart, as did the gentle hand coming up to cup his cheek. For today, it was enough.

* * *

Once the rose was safely placed in a cup of water, they set about scrounging up lunch. "I really don't know what we have in the house," Logan warned. "Knowing Steve, it's probably Eggo's and frozen pizza. Oh, and cheese puffs."

James laughed while shaking his head. "Pretty sure that's Carlos' dream meal. I'll check the cupboards."

"I got the fridge."

Though James came up mostly empty in the cupboards, Logan recited, "Eggo's, pizza, burritos, chicken nuggets, corn dogs, and the makings for grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh, looks like we've got some bacon, too."

"There's still ice cream and pie left from last night, right?"

"Tons."

"Perfect. Carlos loves corn dogs, so let's go with that and the pizza. Though I do make a damn good grilled cheese."

"Prove it. Why don't we have that and let the children eat corn dogs and pizza?"

James smiled, and it was a beautiful thing. Logan could stare at that genuinely happy smile for the rest of his life. "Pass me the butter?"

Logan added cheese and handed both over, then gestured toward the cabinet near James' head. "Bread should be up there. Pans in the cupboard by your leg. I'll handle the rest."

They worked well together, not a lot of words between them but occasional touches in passing that Logan couldn't resist—a hand on James' shoulder, fingers teasing his side, even a brush of hips that wasn't completely necessary but definitely worth it. He used the microwave for the corn dogs, the oven for the pizza, and when he straightened after checking on that it was to feel arms winding around his waist and warm lips sucking gently at the side of his neck. Immediately Logan was breathless. The lips trailed tortuously slowly up to his ear. "Sandwiches are done," James hummed.

"Pizza...close...so close," he whined, no longer talking about food as James' hand slid down to work him through the sweats he'd thrown on. "Fuck, why is it every time you touch me I can't think?"

"Because you heard the birds, too."

He had. The problem now was going to be trying to block them out once James was gone from his life. Suddenly desperate to enjoy every second while he still had the chance, Logan backed James into the small table and spun, not fighting it when James pulled him down for a kiss. He could feel James under his thigh, knew that James was just as desperate and it helped. No matter what happened after today, Logan would know that James was missing him and this just as deeply.

"How much longer on the pizza?" James whispered.

"Five minutes."

"I only need two."

Logan didn't argue that; in his current state, it probably wouldn't take more than about thirty seconds of James' hand on him. That hand now slipped underneath the waistband of Logan's sweats, Logan whining in anticipation. "Let me..."

He'd intended to return the favor, but they both froze at the sound of James' phone shrieking through the kitchen. James unceremoniously threw Logan off, scrabbling for the device. "It's Carlos. Something's wrong."

Logan couldn't imagine what, unless he'd woken to have a panic attack of regret for what he'd done with Kendall.

"Are you okay?" Pause. "Seriously? That's what you called for? You're ridiculous." Another pause. "Five minutes. You can wait that long for root beer. No, we're busy cooking. Just come out in five minutes." James rolled his eyes as he disconnected the call. "He's thirsty."

"I can take him a drink, I don't mind."

"I do. We still have four minutes."

Having expected that the call from Carlos would clear James' head enough to think straight, Logan was shocked when James hooked his fingers into the waistband of the sweats and dragged them down to Logan's knees, then lifted Logan up onto the counter again. The marble was cold but James' mouth was hot, Logan writhing when he was buried inside it. Here was something he'd never even imagined in his fantasies, and it was enough to have his head banging back into a cupboard as he groaned loudly. "Fuck, how are you so...?"

He never finished the question. Instead his fingers wound their way into James' hair again because he needed something to hold onto and the lip of the counter wasn't enough. Nothing was as perfect as James' hair, though the way he teased and sucked came close. Logan could only guess where and how James learned his technique, but there had obviously been much practice. He tried not to think of that now, wanted only to commit this feeling to memory, to never forget the sight of his fingers between strands of brown as they moved with the motion of James' head.

 _I love you._

There it was again, at the forefront of Logan's mind, and he knew he couldn't say it. Birds or no, that was a line he couldn't cross because it would be too much. He forced himself to keep the words inside by clamping his mouth shut tight, which made breathing difficult since he'd progressed to the point of panting, but there was so much he wanted to scream that it was necessary.

It wasn't until he exploded that he allowed sound to break free, yelling with a shout of ecstasy that probably reverberated throughout the entire house; Logan didn't care. All he cared about was the look of wonder on James' face when it rose to meet his, when his hand reached out to brush James' hair out of his eyes. It was as if James had never seen anything so beautiful, something that moved him so deeply.

Since that was exactly what Logan felt when he looked at James, the expression was more than welcome.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I don't know why I'm posting so often lately. Maybe because I'm really close to finishing this story so I'm feeling a push to get it out there? No idea.

There's not a lot to say about this chapter except that we're still not even halfway through the day. A lot of emotions running amok between all four of the guys. But I thank you for reading and hope to hear from you! :D

* * *

Kendall loved the way Carlos immediately snuggled into him when he slid back into bed after setting his water on a nightstand and removing the shirt. He'd heard the expression "it makes my toes curl" and never really understood it, thinking that curling toes sounded like a bad thing. Today it wasn't bad at all, as a feeling so intense rushed through him that it affected him from head to toe, literally so that his toes bent and his fingers clenched against his palms.

Maybe he just hadn't had enough experience with intimacy. Maybe it was like this every time. He'd have to test the theory when this mission was done.

"You got dressed."

The words were accompanied with what Kendall could see was a pout, his own lips stretching into a smile before he pecked a kiss to the top of Carlos' head. "Sorry. I was thirsty. Can't be walking around naked in front of Jeff and Michael, can I?"

"Nope, because then they'd want you. They can't have you." Carlos reinforced the statement by hugging Kendall closer to him and keeping the arms in place.

"Good thing they don't want me," Kendall grinned. "Sorry I woke you."

"I was only dozing anyway. Were they making out?"

"Michael had just left, actually." When that resulted in slight panic, Carlos sitting up fast, Kendall soothed, "But he came back. He's here now. You're safe."

"I'm more worried about him." Settling back into place, Carlos asked, "He went home?"

"I think so. I didn't actually talk to him. Just saw him from the window on his way back. Then I came back here."

Carlos nodded, his black hair tickling Kendall's nipple awake. "Did he look happy?"

The question surprised Kendall. "I...didn't really notice. I mean, I would imagine he was, considering he just had sex."

"That doesn't mean anything, not with James. Sex is no big deal for him."

Kendall's brow furrowed in confusion. He sat up to ask, "No big deal? How is sex not a big deal?"

"He's had so much of it in his life that it's lost its charm, I guess. It's boring to him." Kendall was dragged to the bed again, Carlos snuggling in against his chest. "Stay like this, I can talk just as well in your arms."

Thrown for a second from the questions running through his brain, Kendall smiled and wrapped his arms around the smaller body. "Is it just because he's so gorgeous that people fall at his feet?"

"You think he's gorgeous?"

The way Carlos had stiffened caused Kendall to put his fears to rest. "I guess, but he's not at all my type."

"What is?"

"You have to ask after what we just shared?"

"That's what I thought," Carlos replied with pride. "You couldn't resist me."

"Nope. But seriously, why has James had so much sex?"

"It's not something I can talk about. Not my place."

"Come on, Carlos, you can't say something like that and then not follow through. You said something last night to him that made it sound like he was a prostitute at one time. Is that it?"

Carlos bit his lip. "He doesn't talk about it. And it's not my place to."

"I understand," Kendall nodded, glad they'd at least gotten confirmation on that. If he continued to push, would Carlos shut down? "So...I know this isn't really your place either, but Jeff mentioned that he has a daughter?"

Carlos again shot up from the bed, staring down at Kendall in shock. "How does he know that?"

"Michael must have told him. He didn't say much more than that, just that Michael has a little girl."

After blinking a few times, Carlos mouthed, "Wow."

"What's wrong?"

"If I'd known that...James really told him about Emily?"

"Oh, that's right. I do remember hearing her name is Emily."

"Holy shit. I can't believe James said all that. No wonder he came over here today."

"Is that bad?"

"Yeah, it's...I mean, you don't get it because you don't know James. But for him to talk to someone about Emily, and not just someone but a dude he just met...fuck. He's so far gone. We need to go."

"Absolutely not." Kendall sat up to stop Carlos from leaving the bed, holding him down. "You promised me lunch. I don't care what happens after that, but they're making us lunch and we're going to eat it. Together. All four of us."

Carlos sighed and allowed Kendall to pull him back to the bed, this time resting his head on a pillow rather than Kendall's chest. "Fine. But I'm thirsty."

"Want some of my water?"

"Nope. I need root beer. Where's my phone?"

Kendall stretched his arm to reach it, passing it to Carlos and watching in amusement while he demanded a drink.

"I'm fine, but I'm thirsty. Can you bring me some root beer?" Pause. "Oh, _I'm_ ridiculous? You're the one who needed a fuck so badly you snuck over here the second I left the house. When's lunch? Five whole minutes? You can't just bring it in here? Come on, man, it's like ten steps down the—" Carlos blinked and stared down at his phone. "He hung up on me. What a dick."

"Want me to go get it for you? I'm dressed."

"No, I like you right here. I guess I'll just suffer."

"Here." Kendall passed over the bottle of water, waiting until Carlos had downed half of it to ask, "So lunch in five minutes?"

"Yeah."

"Need to get cleaned up or anything? There's a bathroom through that door."

"I should. I'm just so comfy. Except you're wearing pants, which kind of kills it."

"Think we can shower in four minutes or less?"

"We? You want to join me?"

"Like I'm gonna just lay here in bed with you rubbing soap all over your body ten feet away?"

Though he couldn't see it happening, Kendall would be willing to bet Carlos' toes were currently curling. His eyes sparkled and his teeth came out to bite down on a full lower lip. "You like me."

"I thought we'd already established that."

"Yeah, but you _really_ like me."

"I'd argue, but you said you don't like a man who lies to you."

"Race me to the shower?"

"What's my prize if I win?"

"My hand might slip and accidentally use the soap on you instead. I'll let you imagine what body part."

"Oh, hell." Breathless, Kendall extricated himself from the knot of bedcovers and ran to the bathroom. The race ended in a tie, but neither minded sharing the title—or the prize.

* * *

They emerged into the dining room to the sight of Logan seated sideways on James' lap, both so lost in a kiss they were unaware they had company. It was Carlos who interrupted the moment with, "Can we at least keep it G-rated, kids? Porn movies aren't really my thing."

Though James lifted his middle finger in their general direction, he showed no sign of ending the kiss. It was Logan who broke the contact with a mumbled "Sorry" and flushed cheeks. He allowed James to squeeze the other cheeks before scooting off in a way that had James drawing in his breath sharply. "Carlos, your root beer is right there next to your plate."

"Thanks! See, James? He's a nice guy. Unlike _some_ people."

" _Some_ people were busy. Now quit complaining and enjoy the lunch we prepared. I use the word loosely."

They were all seated at the dining room table, the candles unlit this time and Logan on the same side as James, before James noted what he'd missed before. "You guys took a shower?"

Carlos let out a scoffing noise. "You guys didn't? You don't know what you're missing."

Though Kendall's cheeks flooded with color, he chose not to continue the current line of conversation. "Wow, pizza and corn dogs? Jeff, this is so beneath your usual fare."

"Complaining?"

"Hell, no. I'm in heaven. And is that...oh my god, look at all the cheese."

"Dude, you made grilled cheese!" Carlos exclaimed. "James makes the best sandwiches."

"Good thing I made enough for everyone," James stated dryly. "Before I dig in, does anyone need anything else?"

Carlos and Kendall reaching for food was enough of an answer for him. He turned his head to wink at Logan, who laid a hand on his thigh and squeezed. Maybe for the next hour they could all just pretend this was going to last and their lives could be like this.

"So I made sure Steve knows this isn't happening again."

Or maybe not.

James stiffened under Logan's touch. "Yeah."

"It was a one-time thing," Carlos continued. "Just so we could put it behind us and move on without always wondering. Now that we know, there's no need to keep dwelling on it. We had our fun and now it's back to business."

"Exactly," James agreed. "Logan is aware of that, too."

Carlos studied James as if he didn't believe the words, then nodded. "Good. So we're all agreed, right? Once James and I walk out this door today, that's it. We're neighbors and nothing more. Steve can go have dinner with the slut on the corner and—"

"Carlos, please, I have no interest in Teresa. Though I find it interesting that you called her a slut."

"Why wouldn't I? She was throwing herself at you. It was disgusting."

Kendall smirked after chewing a bite of corn dog. "You almost sound jealous."

"I am not jealous! Go do whatever you want with that nosy bitch, I don't care."

This time it was James smirking, because he knew Carlos well enough to see what Kendall had. "Why would Steve have dinner with her? Is she your type?"

Curious himself, as Kendall had never hinted at any interest in their neighbor, Logan bit into his sandwich and waited for the answer.

"She asked me to dinner," Kendall sighed. "Apparently her husband left her."

"Doesn't she have a bunch of kids?" Logan wondered. When James glanced over at him, he remembered that he wasn't supposed to know that. _Shit._ "I thought I saw some this morning."

"Yeah, I've seen them," Carlos nodded. "Some lonely housewife desperate to get into the new guy's pants. Not that I blame her, Steve's hot."

The compliment resulted in Kendall blushing yet again. "Uh...thanks."

"Yeah, so hot you couldn't wait to crawl into bed with him, Carlos."

"Oh, are you seriously going there?" Carlos directed at James. "How long did you wait to run over here when I left today, anyway? All of thirty seconds?" James rolled his eyes but stayed silent. "And let's talk about that. What the hell were you thinking?"

" _You're_ asking _me?_ You were the one who demanded we have dinner here last night. Don't go acting like this is my fault. You set me up with this guy. You _wanted_ me to like him."

"Yeah, but not so much that you open up about Emily. Since when do you talk about her with anyone? You don't even talk to _me_ talk about her!"

That was too much, Logan sensing James shut down next to him. "Guys. Please, it's not something to fight about. You like Steve, James likes me, we all like each other. Sometimes these things just happen, even when you don't want them to." Catching Carlos' eye, he asked, "Wouldn't you say that sometimes fate has a hand in life?"

Carlos nodded slowly. "I would. James wouldn't, though. He doesn't believe in that stuff."

Remembering their conversation from the night before and how they'd both agreed chemistry wasn't a real thing, Logan reached over to twine his fingers between James'. "People can change. Sometimes you don't believe something until you experience it yourself."

"Yeah? Then he should at least tell me I was right."

Why was Carlos being such a dick about this? If he knew James, he knew how difficult this was for him. Looking to Kendall for help, Logan pleaded with his eyes for him to say something. Kendall offered a small shrug, not sure how he could help. This was something they needed to get past on their own.

James used thirst as an excuse to avoid the question, but it only worked to postpone the inevitable for a few seconds. "What do you want me to say, Carlos?" he finally asked.

"That I was right. That chemistry between two people is a real thing and you can't fight it when it's there and sometimes you're better off for it. Sometimes it's okay to open yourself up to people because not everyone is out to deceive you or lie to you. Sometimes they're just...good people who love you for you and come into your life for no reason other than to love you and make you feel special."

Green eyes clashed with brown across the table, both Kendall and Logan hit with the enormity of their betrayal.

"Fine," James sighed. "I guess since we know this is it and that none of this is going anywhere, I can admit it. You were right. Sometimes...letting people in isn't a bad thing. It's terrifying, but also wonderful when it's right." James tightened his grip around Logan's fingers. "This is right. I'm just sorry we can't see where it might take us."

Logan nodded, his appetite gone.

"Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. Steve, can you pass me a corn dog? Thank you, sexy."

Logan lasted all of three more minutes before he couldn't stand it and had to escape. The rose was waiting for him when he reached the kitchen, mocking from its place on the counter. It was a promise of things that would never come to pass, a reminder that he had treated someone's heart like a tool to be twisted for his own gain. James couldn't say the words, but James was falling in love.

With a lie.

"Okay, this officially sucks."

The words were spoken quietly behind Logan; Kendall had followed him in.

"I didn't expect to feel so guilty."

Logan spun around to lean back against the sink, arms crossing across his chest. "They can't ever know. We have to do this in a way that they never find out. I can't stand to see him hurt again."

"We will. I don't want to hurt Carlos, either. We'll talk about it tonight, once they leave."

Logan didn't want to think about James leaving.

"Where'd the rose come from?"

Reaching back to pluck it out of the water, Logan lifted it to his nose. "He brought it back with him. Picked it out of their backyard on the spur of the moment because he thought I'd like it."

"Fuck." Kendall rubbed a hand over his face. "Carlos says he's really into you."

"He is," Logan nodded. "As badly as I want to keep seeing him, I don't know if I can break his heart like this."

"Not right now, Logan," Kendall urged. "I promise, we'll talk later. Right now we need to focus on ending today in a way that will make them want to come back."

"Yeah."

Noting the way Logan was lost in his gaze on the rose, Kendall gently pried it loose to set it back in the cup. "He's worried about you. Tried to come after you just now but I said I had it handled. I need your head in this." When Logan didn't react or even look at him, Kendall prodded, "Logan. I'm serious. If I have to pull you off this mission, I will."

Logan swallowed, fighting down the emotions that raged inside. "Let me at least have today with him."

"Get it together."

He pushed past Kendall and stormed out of the kitchen, Kendall hearing the bathroom door close seconds later. Good, it would give him time to compose himself.

"Is he okay?" James wanted to know when Kendall returned to the dining room. He looked as if he was about to stand up and go after Logan.

"Yeah," Kendall promised. He seated himself and added, "I think this is harder on him than he admits. Jeff puts up a brave front, but on the inside he feels a lot and...well, it sounds like he's more attached to you than he would like to be."

"Sounds like you, James," Carlos snorted. "You'd both be a lot happier if you just embraced your feelings instead of running from them. At least Steve and I can admit that we like each other and don't want to say goodbye."

"Then why should we?" Kendall suddenly asked. When Carlos froze up next to him, he continued on. "I get that there are things in your life you can't talk about or involve me in, but why can't I be your escape when those things get to be too much? I'm literally two doors down, Carlos. Let me continue to be a reminder that not everything in life has to be bad."

"I can't. We talked about this, you know that wouldn't be enough for me."

"Why does it have to be?"

"Because!" Carlos yelled, the first hints of anger coming through. "You knew this when you took me to bed today, you knew today was all I was offering. Don't try to guilt me into—"

"I'm not guilting you! I'm just asking you to consider that it doesn't have to be black or white, you can have me _and_ whatever lifestyle you're living. I don't need to know the details!"

"You don't understand, Steve! I won't be here forever! This is just a temporary place for me and as soon as I can, I'm moving back to my real home and my real life! This...all of this is just a fantasy along the way. That's all I can allow it to be."

"Fine, then use me while you're here. Move on when you have to but as long as you're here, why can't I be what you need? You're right, I knew when I took you to bed what you had to offer. But I also asked you to let me make love to you and then decide."

"I did," Carlos stated firmly. "I did decide. You were everything I thought you'd be, everything I could ever want in a man. And that's why my decision has to be this. You deserve better."

"Carlos, stop it, what I deserve is you! And you deserve this, too! If you'd just let yourself—"

"I'm done here." Carlos shoved away from the table and stood, James immediately following suit. "I'm sorry. I'd hoped our goodbye would be different, but if I don't go now, I won't. Steve, thank you for a lovely evening and a better day. I wish you everything good in life. You'll find someone who can give you what I can't, and I know you'll be happier with him."

"Carlos, don't—"

But Carlos was already moving. "Let him go," James commanded. When Kendall ignored him, James reached out to halt Kendall with a hand on his arm. "This is hard enough on him, please just let him go."

"I didn't even say goodbye."

"You ruined it. Don't make it worse by following him." James was about to do just that, but he hesitated with a look back toward the hallway. "Actually...please follow him. I need to say goodbye to Logan but I need to know Carlos is safe until I get there. Just be smart about it, don't piss him off even more."

Kendall didn't need to be told twice. He sprinted after Carlos, catching up just as he was turning into their walkway. "Just wait, please—"

"I'm done talking to you, Steve."

"Fine, then don't talk."

Unprepared for it, Carlos gasped when Kendall blocked his path for a deep kiss. He fought it for all of three seconds before going limp in Kendall's arms and kissing him back with the desperation Kendall had known was buried inside. When the kiss finally tapered out, there were tears in Carlos' eyes. "Please just let me go."

Kendall couldn't deny him. He nodded, allowing his own eyes to water. "I'm sorry. I know I should've just let you go, but the thought of never seeing you again...I thought I could handle it. I was wrong."

"Please try to understand that I'm doing this for both of us. I promise, Steve, you don't want to be involved with a guy like me. You'd hate me if you ever really got to know me."

"I don't believe that. I think that what I fell in love with is the real you. The rest...just you going through the motions of what other people want and expect of you. When you decide to live your life the way _you_ want to, you know where to find me."

Carlos looked away, possibly ashamed. "Where's James?"

"Saying goodbye to Jeff. I'm not leaving you alone until he gets here." Sensing that they were being watched, Kendall glanced to his right and sure enough, his old friend Teresa was dawdling down the sidewalk with her trusty companion. "God I really hate that woman. Let's get you inside."

"You can't come in."

"Fine, I'll stand on the porch. Just get inside the house."

Carlos did, using keys from his pocket to unlock the door. Seeing that Teresa was nearing his lawn, he pulled Kendall across the threshold and closed the door. "You don't move from this spot."

"I won't." Instead, he allowed his eyes to roam greedily over all of the things he'd seen only through a screen. The house smelled of something like freshly-baked bread, though he didn't understand how that was possible. It was a warm and comforting scent similar to what his own house had smelled like when he was a child.

"Don't ask any questions."

"I won't." There was the sofa Carlos and James watched movies on, played video games on. There was the painting above the fireplace that Logan had once admired aloud. He could make out part of the dining room, where they ate every meal and Javier had wolfed down a leftover burger. Kendall searched, but couldn't find even one camera. Logan was right; they _were_ that good.

"What's taking James so long?"

"It's hard to say goodbye to someone you've fallen for and will never see again."

Carlos turned an annoyed gaze up to him. "Are you guilting me again?"

"Nope. Just pointing out a fact. It's a hard thing to do."

"You know what? I think it's a bad idea to talk right now. All you're gonna do is keep trying to change my mind. It's easier when we kiss."

"But also harder because we know it really is the last time."

"Stop talking and kiss me."

"Gladly."

Kendall put as much seduction as he could into the kiss, knowing now how Carlos liked it and tailoring his style to that so that by the time they heard the door creak open behind Kendall, Carlos was nothing more than putty in his arms.

"You can go now."

"Yeah." His goodbye to Carlos was a soft, tender kiss. "I meant what I said. You know where to find me."

"Please go."

Remembering that Carlos was a sucker for romance, Kendall lifted his hand and bent to kiss the back of it. Carlos looked as if he was about to cave.

"Goodbye, Steve," James warned.

"Take care of him for me."

"It's my job. You uh...you do the same for me, okay?"

Understanding what James was asking of him, Kendall nodded before shaking James' hand. "He'll survive."

"Make sure he finds someone. Someone who's worthy of him."

"I would, but he's already done that himself." With a wink at James and one last smile for Carlos, Kendall was gone.

* * *

Logan had been drying his face on a towel when a light knock sounded on the bathroom door. "I'll be right out, Kendall."

The knob twisted and Logan was about to lose his patience, but then it was a pair of hazel eyes framed by darker hair that poked in. "It's me. Just...wanted to make sure you're okay."

Why did this man have to be so amazing? "Sorry about that. I'm fine, just had a moment."

"I understand. This is hard on me, too."

When James stepped through and into the small room, Logan reached up to cup his cheek. "I know it is. You don't say much, but you don't have to with me. I know anyway."

James nodded. "Then you know that when I say goodbye, it's not what I really want. It's just what has to happen."

"I do know that." Warm lips traveled from his palm to the inside of his wrist, both melting and setting Logan on fire at the same time. "So this is it? This is goodbye?"

"Carlos left. They got into an argument."

"Why am I not surprised?" Logan asked with a sigh, dropping his hand. "Kendall doesn't know how to be subtle. Pushes people too far."

"That's exactly what happened. Carlos made a point to say that you and I should just tell each other what we're feeling instead of keeping it all inside."

"I don't really see what the point is, considering it's not going anywhere."

"I feel the same way. Why drag out all these messy feelings when it won't do any good? As usual, reality gets in the way and ruins what might have been a really amazing thing."

Because James was too close and crowding him so that it was nearly impossible to keep his hands to himself, Logan slid back onto the bathroom counter to let his legs hang over the edge. "I think it's already amazing. Just because something has to end, that doesn't mean it loses its magic."

"I suppose that's true enough," James conceded. "Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Sit on the counter. It feels like every time one of us sits on a counter, we end up making out. Or at least thinking about it."

Surprised into a laugh, Logan asked, "Does that mean that when you were sitting on the kitchen counter last night before dinner, you were thinking about making out with me?"

"I was thinking about that from the moment I spied your bruschetta."

"Oh, that sounds delightfully dirty," Logan smirked. "But I'm happy to know it wasn't just me."

"Really? You wanted me that soon?"

"Remember how we talked about instant attraction?"

James nodded, one corner of his mouth lifting.

"I walked out of that kitchen nervous to meet some guy I was being set up with against my will, and I was babbling something about steaks, but the second I laid eyes on you I felt some kind of weird jolt in my stomach. Like I'd been struck by lightning." That much wasn't a lie; Logan _had_ felt that the moment he'd first seen James, only it had been through a computer screen. "I had to turn away from you and when Steve introduced us, it took all of my courage to turn around and look into your eyes. I was terrified of you."

"And then I treated you like shit and stormed out of here. I'm sorry."

"I didn't take it personally."

"You should have. My immediate and extremely visceral reaction to you was the real reason I insisted we leave."

"What?"

"I felt the same thing. I remember staring at you and I could barely think. It was like...being blinded by the sun. I was stunned, but not so much by your presence. It was more your...well, at the risk of sounding cheesy, it was your beauty. I'd never seen anything so exquisitely beautiful as your face."

"Jesus, James, please don't say things like that when we're about to say goodbye forever."

"What better time is there to say things like that? It's not like we're ever gonna get a chance again." Logan's eyes fell closed when James kissed him softly. "You terrified me, too. You still do."

"That's mutual." Forcing his brain to work, Logan asked, "What was it that changed your mind? How did Carlos get you back in this house?"

"He guilted me. Reminded me that I'd promised and that he might not make it to...well, you don't need to know all that. But he guilted me and then said, 'I think Jeff liked you. He seemed sad when you said we should leave.'"

"I _was_ sad," Logan agreed. "I just wanted a chance to be near you. Didn't think I was obvious about it, though."

"Maybe Carlos made that up because he knew it would work. He knows me, told me later he'd seen 'the way I looked at you.' Guess I was obvious, too."

"Not to me. For what it's worth, I'm glad you came back."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Even though I have nothing to offer you? No strings, no future, not even a 'Hey, how was your day?' text before bed every night?"

Though that sounded like something Logan could get used to, he shook his head and smiled. "I knew that going into it. We agreed up front it wasn't going to go anywhere. You were still worth it."

"No regrets?"

"Not even one. Except maybe that I didn't get to return that favor from earlier in the kitchen."

James barely broke a smile, his gaze full of both sorrow and affection as he pressed his lips to Logan's. Their kiss goodbye was their most tender yet, Logan sensing the lust being tightly reined in and keeping his own on a leash as well. They'd expressed that side of themselves; this time it was the words they couldn't speak that went into the kiss.

 _I love you._

It was too soon. And they would never have the chance to get to a point where it wasn't, because what they didn't have was time, and Logan would learn to accept it.

"I need to go," James began.

"I know."

"But...maybe Carlos is right. Maybe we _should_ just say the things we're thinking. I mean, what does it matter now? We'll never see each other again. Are you leaving soon?"

Knowing that Kendall would hate him for it but also positive that he couldn't risk hurting James anymore, Logan nodded and answered, "Tomorrow. No offense, but I need to get away from this place."

"That's absolutely the best thing you could do. As much as I don't want to see you go...please go."

Logan understood completely. "So that's what you're thinking that I needed to know before you say goodbye?"

"What? No! No, I...I mean..." Whatever had been on his mind, he'd lost the momentum. "It's not important. I guess mostly I just want to thank you for spending today with me. For last night on the swing. I don't think I've ever felt as much peace as I did with you just...being."

"I felt that, too," Logan smiled. "I told Steve that. Thank you for the same."

"You did? You felt that, too? I was worried I was boring you."

"Not at all."

"That's great. Okay, um, I need to go, Carlos is waiting for me, I just..."

"I know," Logan soothed when James trailed off. "You don't have to say it."

"I've never actually wanted to before. I've said the words to two people in my life. Two. They're not words I ever thought I'd say again, let alone think."

Logan's breath stopped. Was James saying... "Don't."

Meeting Logan's scared gaze, James pushed on. "I don't say it lightly, and never if I can avoid it. Though I admit with Emily, I said it every day. I still do, even if she can't hear me."

 _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, James, stop, don't, this is hard enough without..._

Logan did what he had to do in order to shut James up. He derailed the train of thought with a passionate kiss, James doing exactly what Logan had hoped he would—he returned it desperately and while holding Logan close as if he'd never let go. It was so much easier to have James turned on than speaking words of...

"I love you."

It was spoken into the kiss, the words floating into Logan's mouth to both elate and devastate him.

"I know how crazy that sounds, we just met last night, and there's no way something like love could happen so soon, but I know what this is. I love you, Logan. You don't have to love me back, but I needed you to know before—"

"I love you, too." Fuck it. They were already in too deep, might as well admit it while he still could. "It _is_ crazy, it's fucking insane, but James...I love you. Now please go."

"Just remember me."

"I'll never forget."

"I won't, either."

James pressed an abrupt kiss to Logan's mouth and backed away, Logan's heart screaming at the sight of what would be his last look at James outside of a computer screen. No more touches from those warm hands, no more kisses from those perfect lips, no more feel of the silky strands between his fingers. Not even a look of affection from those sparkling hazel eyes, because though they might land on him again at some point, James wouldn't be aware of it.

"Goodbye."

Logan couldn't bring himself to speak. A nod was the best he could do before the door closed and tears blurred his gaze.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I can't believe I'm posting two nights in a row. It's probably because I know I won't be able to for a few days so I'm feeling the need to do it now. Thanks so much to those of you reading and to those reviewing! Reading your reviews makes my day so much better.

* * *

He allowed himself less than a minute to cry; there would be time for that later, and what he needed to see most was whatever conversation James and Carlos were about to have. Logan used toilet paper to wipe his eyes dry and went to retrieve his own office key from his bedroom.

The rumpled bed mocked him with memories of moments he could never get back. Turning his back on it, Logan opened a nightstand drawer and reached in for the key before making his way to the room he'd spent most of his time in since taking up residence in this house.

He turned on the monitors in time to see Kendall bend over to kiss Carlos' hand.

"Puke," a voice said from behind him, causing him to jump an inch into the air.

"Jesus, Lucy, don't do that!"

Ignoring that, Lucy bit into a slice of pizza and asked, "Do guys really go in for that sort of sappy shit?"

"Carlos seems to." Willing his heart to stop racing, Logan sat down. "Be quiet, I need to hear what they're saying."

Kendall was now shaking James' hand. "He'll survive."

"Make sure he finds someone. Someone who's worthy of him."

"I would, but he's already done that himself."

"Did he just wink at Hot Guy?" Lucy wondered. "What's up with that?"

"You wouldn't understand." Logan thought he did, though. It touched him that James' parting instructions had been to make sure that he found someone who could make him happy. "Okay, Kendall's coming back. Now shush so I can listen."

Once the door closed behind Kendall, James turned to Carlos. "Need to talk?"

Carlos' dejected face said all there was to say. "No. I just...I don't want to think right now."

"I don't either. I'm gonna check the house again, but then...you cool if I just...go crash for a little bit?"

Carlos nodded.

"I'll make us some dinner later."

"Thanks." James was almost out of the room before Carlos spoke again. "I'm sorry. I know you really like him."

James glanced back with a bitter smile. "Understatement of the century."

"Aww," Lucy said quietly. "That's actually kind of sweet."

Logan said nothing next to her. He switched feeds so that he could watch James do a search of the house and finally enter his bedroom, and then James did exactly as he'd promised—he fell back onto the bed with a crash, lips trembling as emotion overtook him.

"What's our little drug dealer doing?"

"Don't call him that," Logan spat.

"Isn't that what he is?"

"Yes, but...it's complicated." Logan switched to Carlos' room, where he was copying James, curling up on his side instead to bury his face in a pillow.

Lucy snorted. "They look like a fun time. Hard to believe they could actually hurt someone."

"Will you just stop?" Logan's voice raised as he continued. "You don't know anything about them. How did you even get in here anyway?"

"Back door."

"Well, I guess that answers James' question. It _was_ unlocked."

"Please, you underestimate my skill. Don't worry, I locked it again after I came in."

"What if they'd still been here?"

"I saw them leave."

"Are you insane? You're going to get us caught, Lucy."

"I'm careful. You didn't even know I was peeking into your bedroom window, but then again you were a little preoccupied with Hot Guy."

"Oh god. I'm gonna be sick."

"What you should be is proud of what you've got hidden underneath those clothes, Mitchell. I never would've guessed."

Annoyed, Logan asked, "Where the hell is Kendall? He should've been back by now." With a few clicks of his mouse, Logan brought up the feed showing their lawn. "He got cornered by the slut again." That managed to pull a chuckle out of him. "Apparently she's been hitting on him."

"Well, who wouldn't? Knight's not exactly hard on the eyes."

"Oh good, he's getting away. Get up and let him have his chair."

"What the hell am I supposed to use?"

"Stand."

Lucy left the room just as Logan heard the front door close, followed by a yelp from Kendall. "Stone, what the hell? Why are you even here?"

"Got worried when you never contacted me after Hot Guy showed up. Did a little reconnaissance. Might have peeked into your bedroom and caught some action."

"Oh god. I'm gonna be sick."

"Funny, that's exactly what Mitchell said. Got any drinks to go with this corn dog?"

"Just get out of my face, Stone. I'm not in the mood for you right now."

"Seems to be going around."

Kendall appeared in the doorway, eyes going straight for the monitor. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing. Neither of them wanted to talk so they both went to their rooms. Now they're just...laying there."

With a nod, Kendall sank into the chair at Logan's left. "I think I ended it on a good note. Left the door open for Carlos to come over when he comes to his senses. And he will."

"Are you kidding me? Look at him right now, Kendall." Logan gestured toward the screen. "He's a hollow shell. You did that to him."

"I gave him what he wanted most. He told James he wanted to find someone who could help him forget long enough to enjoy himself for a little bit."

"But look at him now! Look at what you created!"

"I did what I had to do. Why is this so hard for you to understand? This was our mission!"

Lucy returned just in time to witness Logan yelling, "This was never my mission!" He reached over to change the screen to James' room, where James was still lying motionless like the dead. "I was never supposed to even talk to him! Look at him now!"

"Logan, look, I get it. It's not easy for me, either, okay? When Carlos looks at me with trust and says things like he did earlier at the table, that's hard for me to hear."

"I know, I could tell, and that's my point. Don't act like he means nothing to you. I know better."

"He _can't_ mean anything to me. Not like that. I have to keep my head in charge. I can't let my heart get in the way. That's like rule number two of basic training. If you can't remember that, I can't have you on this team."

"Fine. Don't. I told James I was leaving tomorrow anyway."

The words were like a slap to Kendall. "You what?! What the fuck is wrong with you? I need you, there's nobody else who can get through to James like you can! The man has no feelings, shows no emotion, but _you_ made him cry. I don't know how you did it, and I don't care. _You_ made it happen."

"He didn't cry," Logan argued. "I'm not that—"

He was silenced by a nudge from Lucy, who used her chin to point at the screen. Logan glanced over in time to catch James wiping at his eyes, bottom lip trembling again as he fought to keep his pain from spilling over. "Fuck," Logan whispered. "I'm done. He's had enough pain in his life. I won't be the one to add to that. Call the director and tell him I'm out."

"Logan, you're overreacting. I told you, we're gonna fix this. Carlos won't be able to resist coming back, he'll miss me so much that he either sneaks out or tells James to fuck off and walks out on his own."

Logan shook his head. "I don't think so. I think you pushed him too far and now he's afraid."

"Don't tell me what Carlos is thinking, I _know_ Carlos. I've studied him. I admit that you can read James better, but you don't know Carlos like I do. He'll be back."

"Even if you're right, my leaving doesn't affect the mission. As far as they know, I'm going home tomorrow anyway."

"Tell James you changed your mind, that you can't live without him. Make something up."

Gaze glued to the man he'd fallen in love with, Logan shook his head again. "The sooner he gets over me, the better. He doesn't think clearly when I'm around."

"Which is the whole point, Logan!" Kendall roared. "That's what we wanted! I don't understand why you can't see that."

"Because I suck at this. I was never cut out to be an agent. I had no choice but to take this career when it was offered, and I'm just not cut out for it."

"That's not true," Kendall countered. "You're amazing at what you do."

"Sure, I'm great with machines. Make me interact with people and I fuck everything up. I can't do this, Kendall."

"You _can._ You have been, you've predicted his actions every step of the way. I can't bring someone else in here, how would I explain that?"

"Hide him like you were supposed to hide me."

"You're not listening to reason!"

"I'm not going to stay here and continue to play games with someone's heart! He's _crying_ right now, Kendall! _Crying!_ I did that! I refuse to do it again or to have anything more to do with this! Call the director now." When Kendall made no move to do so, Logan reached into a pocket for his phone. "Fine, I will."

"Logan, just—"

Lucy was suddenly between them. "Ladies, ladies, ladies, let's all just take a step back and breathe."

"Not now, Lucy," Logan groaned.

"Just shut up and listen to me for five seconds. Both of you," she added with a glare at Kendall. "I'm the objective one here, so I'm gonna lay it all out for you. Got it?" When neither spoke or moved, she added, "Good. So here's the deal. Logically, the smart thing to do would be to remove Mitchell from this case. It's obvious he's letting his heart lead him, and as we all know, that's the worst thing you can do on a mission. It almost always ends badly because your focus is off and you use poor judgment and next thing you know, your target's either on to you or has escaped, and it's all your fault. You fucked up."

"Which is exactly why I need to go," Logan agreed. "I'm not built for this direct contact shit. I need to stay behind a screen and not get directly involved."

"Logan, I can't do this without you," Kendall stated again. "You're the only one who—"

Lucy cut him off. "Having said that, there's the other side of the coin to consider. And I think that's the one we need to focus on. Blondie's right, he can't complete this mission without you, Mitchell."

Logan huffed out a harsh breath. "I did my part."

"And you did it well, apparently. Anyone who can make a guy like that break down crying like a junior high girl who got dumped right before a school dance is talented. You used the knowledge you'd gained and you were successful. You won him over."

"I also can't be objective or think clearly about the mission because I'm so in love I can't see straight."

"There is that," Lucy nodded. "You've become a risk. But if I've learned anything in all my years as an agent—"

At this point Kendall frowned and raised an eyebrow at Logan, who held up three fingers.

"—it's that risks sometimes get the job done when careful planning won't. Do I make some stupid moves when tailing a target? Hell yeah, I do. Do I pull crazy stunts that scare the shit out of the director and make him rethink putting me on a task? All the time. But he still does it, because he knows that I always succeed. And that's what I want you both to remember. Sometimes you have to take the risk because nothing else will get results. You bring in a new agent? You lose everything you've gained. You run the risk of losing the trust you've built in them because you have to start over."

"It's not starting over," Logan argued. "They don't have to see the new agent, and my leaving makes sense. They already know I was only here temporarily."

"But without you here James won't let me near Carlos," Kendall reminded him. "He'll get paranoid again and remember all the reasons why he didn't want Carlos alone with me in the first place. Do you know what he did today? What he's done twice now? He trusted me to keep Carlos safe. Last night and this afternoon, he had me walk Carlos home and stay with him until he could get there. He _trusts_ me, Logan."

"That's not gonna change just because I'm not around."

"No, but it will give James more time to worry and for his imagination to run wild. He'll end up convincing himself that I'm the enemy again. With you around, most of his focus will be on you. I mean, even Carlos said it, that for James to talk about his kid with you is unheard of. He'll be in love with you in no time."

Swallowing hard, Logan admitted, "He's already there."

Lucy and Kendall exchanged a glance. "What?" Kendall asked.

"He said it today. He's already in love."

"Holy shit," Kendall whispered. "There's no way Carlos knows that."

"He doesn't."

"This is fantastic!" Lucy exclaimed. "Mitchell, you're definitely staying on the case."

"Oh, it's fantastic, is it? It's fantastic that I got him to open up so much that now he's crying over me? Fantastic that I reminded him of what he wants but can't ever have? Fantastic that if I stay and spend more time with him, he's going to fall more in love and it's going to hurt even more when I have to say goodbye for real?"

"He'll understand, Logan," Kendall promised. "You've both made it clear that it's not going to go anywhere, right?"

"Yes."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem, you unfeeling asshole, is that they believe we're with them because we want to be. They believe that...what was it Carlos said today? Something about how not everyone is out to deceive you and they love you for you and think you're special."

"I do think Carlos is special."

"What about the rest of it? We are one hundred percent out to deceive them and it makes me feel like a horrible human being."

"Have you lied to James once about your feelings? I don't care what you've had to say about your background or the reason you're here, I'm talking about your actual feelings. Have you lied to him about any of that?"

"No," Logan sulked.

"Then what are you worried about? You _do_ love him for him and think he's special. You're not a horrible human being."

"Forget it," Logan sighed. "I give up, you just aren't going to get it. You're cut out for this deception and lying shit; I'm not."

"What I'm cut out for is bringing drug dealers to justice. Stopping the distribution to save lives. That's all I'm trying to do here, Logan. And you know better than anyone else why it's so important to me. Why that needs to stay my top priority."

All Logan could manage was a nod.

"So don't judge me. I'm not doing anything other than what I said from the start I was here to do. I'm here to make a difference in the world."

Logan had no answer for that. Instead he stood and said, "I need a break. If you decide you want me off the case, let me know. If you don't...then give me some time to work through this so I can get my focus back. But I will never see what we're doing to them as the right thing to do."

"He'll come around," Lucy assured Kendall once they heard a door close. "Right now he's thinking with his heart. For as long as I've known him, he's always been the one to think with his head. Hot Guy really got his claws in deep, but Mitchell will be back to normal in no time."

"Is there a point to this, Stone?"

"Yes. I need more pizza."

"Please get it and get out."

She shrugged and headed out of the room.

"Hey, Stone? Thanks for having my back earlier and explaining why it's so important for him to stay."

"You just have to know what to say. Later, Knight. Let me know if either of them takes off."

"Will do."

Kendall waited until he'd heard the back door close (and that only barely, as Lucy was extremely quiet when she wanted to be) to turn his focus to the monitor showing James in bed. James had stopped crying and was now sitting up to wipe his eyes one last time. He rose from the bed and moved to a dresser to pull out a fresh pair of boxer briefs and a clean t-shirt, then disappeared into what Kendall knew to be the hallway.

"Sorry, Logan, but I have no interest in watching your man get naked."

He waited until James was securely shut into the bathroom, then recentered his attention on a different monitor that was currently showing the backyard. He switched that one to Carlos' bedroom, not at all surprised to find that Carlos had fallen asleep.

"All tuckered out," Kendall smiled, warmth filling his chest at the sight and the memory of Carlos doing the same thing in his arms earlier. It had felt nice, much nicer than Kendall let on to Logan, and if he was honest with himself, he'd felt a lot more than just "nice" emotions throughout the afternoon. The sex had been phenomenal, at a level he'd never experienced before, but he attributed that to the fact that he'd never been with a man. Carlos had taught him that much, at least, that in the future it was men he belonged with. He'd also learned that he enjoyed cuddling, adored it when a man refused to let him leave the bed because he was "comfy," and that it thrilled him to hear that a man was jealous and possessive over him, as Carlos had been when discussing Teresa.

"That slut," Kendall murmured now, amused by Carlos' nickname for her and thinking back to the short conversation they'd had when she stopped him near his lawn.

"Steve, I think I owe you an apology," she'd stated, Rocket sitting patiently next to her in hopes Kendall would pet him.

Kendall had while asking, "For what?"

"For earlier today, when I...well, let's just say that I had the wrong idea about you. If I'd known I wasn't...your type, so to speak, I wouldn't have made a fool of myself and asked you to dinner."

What all had Teresa seen? "I'm not sure I know what you're referring to."

"I saw you kiss him a few minutes ago. Before you two went inside."

"Oh." Well, Kendall supposed he deserved that for being so effusive outdoors. "That wasn't planned, it just kind of..."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, I don't judge. I just wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable."

Kendall used his short nails to scratch at Rocket's fur, eliciting a happy whine from the dog. "Don't worry about it. And...I'd appreciate it if you kept what you saw to yourself. I know it's possible others saw, too, but he's a very private person and the last thing he needs is to have rumors floating around the neighborhood about him."

"Oh, of course! I completely understand. At the risk of making a further fool of myself, I'd like to extend that dinner invitation to both of you. If you two ever want a nice home-cooked meal, you're welcome to join me and kids."

"Thank you. That's very kind of you. I should get inside, I have company in town right now and I'm being rude to leave him alone."

"Oh! I had no idea. I'll let you go, then. Have a nice evening, Steve."

"You, too. See ya, Rocket!"

Thinking about it now, Kendall wondered if Teresa would in fact keep what she'd seen a secret. James in particular wouldn't want the attention their involvement might bring their way. "Oh well," he sighed now. "All we can do is wait and see."

That advice applied to himself and Logan, too. They'd have to discuss the next step, and soon, but Kendall knew better than to engage Logan in any kind of planning right now. Logan needed time to remember what mattered most.

"Don't let me down," Kendall whispered as he stared at the unmoving figure of his lover asleep. "I need you, Logan. Don't let me down."

* * *

Kendall continued to watch Carlos sleep while James showered, not questioning why he found that more exciting than a beautifully-built naked man rubbing soap all over himself. James said nothing out loud to distract Kendall from his vigilance, and it wasn't until the water shut off that Kendall finally glanced over at that monitor. James did nothing more thrilling than toss on his shirt and boxers, but when he exited the bathroom he went right instead of left—most likely he was hungry, as they'd not eaten much of their lunch before Kendall and Carlos began to argue.

James stopped before reaching the kitchen, though, Kendall noting him appearing suddenly on the monitor where Carlos slept. When James seated himself on the edge of Carlos' mattress, Kendall sat up straighter and reached for his wireless to shove it into his ear; whatever they said next would be important, because he'd sensed James doing a lot of thinking in the shower.

"Hey," James said softly, waking Carlos with a gentle shake. Carlos' eyes opened slowly, the quality of their cameras so good that Kendall was able to see that they were bloodshot; perhaps James hadn't been the only one crying. "I need to talk to you."

"I don't really want to talk about them, James. I just want to forget."

"I know," James nodded. "I'd like that, too. Eventually. Logan's leaving tomorrow."

"Oh. At least your temptation will be gone then."

"Yeah. It's just...in the meantime..."

Carlos sat up, rubbing at his eyes in an attempt to clear the cobwebs left from sleep. "No."

"Carlos, let me finish."

"No. I know what you want and the answer is no."

"I'm only asking for an hour."

"An hour? Absolutely not. You're insane."

"You don't understand."

"I do understand! You fell for this guy and he's leaving and you want to get what you can out of him before he's gone! That's fine for you, but my guy isn't going anywhere. My guy will still be there to tease me with his presence for as long as we're stuck here and the worst thing I can do right now is put myself in a position where he's that close. I'll never resist him."

"It's not like that. I'm not looking for a piece of ass from Logan. I just need to talk to him."

"For an hour? Yeah, I'm sure _talking_ is all you'll do."

"Carlos, I'm serious! I know you don't understand this and I'm not asking you to, but...I've never met anyone like him. Someone who just listens and doesn't judge me. There are things I need to say and I only have today to say them before he's gone forever. Please, I never ask you for anything, I live my life trying to give you everything you need, and I'm just asking for an hour."

"Whatever. Go. I'll stay here."

"You know I can't allow that."

"You let me go to the gym for an hour every day, how is this any different?"

"Because at the gym you're surrounded by people and it's too risky for anyone to try anything. Here you're in a place they probably already know about and it would be easy to take you out with no witnesses."

"James..." Carlos' voice took on a pleading tone. "Don't make me do this. Please don't make me be near him again, it's too hard. The more I see him, the more I want him."

"I know. I understand that feeling better than you can imagine. But I need this. And...I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need him to stay with you because I know he'll protect you. Just one hour, Carlos. Please."

"Holy shit," Kendall whispered. James really _did_ trust him. They'd somehow managed the impossible, and whether Logan could appreciate it or not, that was a feat to be celebrated. They were right on task.

"What do you have to say that's so important? Is it about your feelings?"

"No." James swallowed and looked away from him. "It's...other things. We've already discussed our feelings and agreed it's best we walk away."

"Then why are you going back there? Don't you get that it's just gonna make this harder on him, too?"

"Yes...but also no. I think...no, I _know_ , that he's going to understand why I need to do this."

"Do what exactly?"

"Say the things I need to say."

Frustrated, Carlos asked, "Is Javier supposed to come over tonight?"

"Why are you asking me? You're the one always telling me when that happens."

"I haven't talked to my uncle since yesterday. I thought maybe you called him."

"Not today. You should, though. You know he worries."

"I'm not up to it right now. I can't think about the business. Which is another reason why it's bad for me to be around Steve. He makes me forget what's important."

James shrugged. "I think it's more accurate to say that he reminds you what _is_ actually important."

Carlos stared at James as if he was seeing him for the first time. "What the hell happened to you? You were the one yelling at me that we couldn't risk romance. You said it was dangerous, that we need to just stay safe and not get involved with anyone else. Steve could be a secret agent, remember that whole theory? What happened, James?"

Kendall bit his lip, apprehensive to hear James' reply to that.

"Maybe...maybe I was wrong to keep you from experiencing that sort of thing. What kind of life is it if you're never happy or never get to feel the things that make life worth living? Isn't that kind of what you were trying to tell me?"

"No, but that does sound a lot like something Steve said. You are so far gone on this guy, dude. I never thought I'd see the day."

"I didn't either," James admitted, again not meeting Carlos' gaze. "It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and I just really need to say some things before that chance is gone forever."

Carlos rubbed two hands over his face in an attempt to keep from yelling at James. When he finally did speak, his voice was full of resignation. "I'm not having dinner with him."

"All I ask is that you sit in the same room with him for an hour."

"You say that like it's no big deal. Like I won't be dying to touch him."

"Sit on separate couches. Or with a table in between you. Sixty minutes, Carlos."

"You think a table is gonna be enough? He knows what to say to me, dude. He knows how to get under my skin. And even if he doesn't, how am I supposed to stare at him and not feel anything?"

"Muzzle him and blindfold yourself?"

Carlos rolled his eyes and shoved James off the bed. "When are we doing this?"

"Now. I can't wait anymore or I might chicken out."

"Oh good, let's give it some time. That would be the best option."

"Carlos..."

"Yeah, yeah. Let me go wash my face. And maybe change clothes, these remind me too much of him. I think I'll burn them."

James leaned against the doorway with a tiny smile for Carlos. "Thanks for this. I know I'm asking a lot."

"You owe me. Hot dogs for a week."

"Whatever you want. Just give me that one hour."

"Get out of my face."

After nodding, James said, "I'll meet you in the living room."

"You know, Luis really isn't gonna like that we're leaving the product unattended so much."

"You started this, buddy. You brought him into my life. If it was up to me, I would've just stayed home and never met the most amazing man on the planet."

"Oh god, you are _really_ gone."

James didn't argue, but as he turned away Carlos stopped him.

"By the way? You're welcome."

James' smile was genuine this time, Kendall feeling like hearts were going to burst from the hazel eyes any second. "I wish I'd never met him, but I'll never regret loving him."

"Go puke up a rainbow and leave me in peace."

"We'll pretend I wasn't saying the same sort of thing to you only yesterday."

"Funny how the tables have turned, isn't it?"

"Not sure 'funny' is the word I'd use."

"Go on. I'll be right out."

With a nod, James left Carlos in peace.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So this is a short chapter leading us into the long talk James and Logan will be having. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to post that as one whole chapter or break it up. Probably will break it up since it's so long. And that chapter won't be up until Sunday, most likely. Thank you for reading! So happy you're enjoying it!

* * *

For the first time, Kendall wasn't in a panic over the idea that Carlos and James were going to show up unexpectedly. This was perfect, it was exactly what they'd needed to happen, and as he removed his wireless and shut down the monitors for the second time that day, he was humming to himself. He considered warning Logan, but decided that it might go better if Logan wasn't expecting it. If Logan knew James was coming, he'd think too much instead of just allowing his feelings to direct him.

Of course, Kendall and Lucy had both stated earlier that this was the problem with Logan and that he needed to use his head and not his heart; in this instance, however, his head might lead him to ask James to leave.

His heart would never do that.

Kendall spent the time waiting for their arrival by running through different things he could say to win Carlos over. Carlos' guard would definitely be up, and wasn't it interesting that today it was Carlos they'd have to break down rather than James, as it had been only the night before? Carlos was right about that, the tables had definitely turned. Kendall wasn't worried about it, though; Carlos himself had stated that he couldn't resist Kendall and that Kendall knew exactly what to say to turn him to jelly.

Kendall thought he did.

He quickly went through the motions of shutting down the equipment and securing the office. Deciding it would be best to act as if he'd been cleaning up, Kendall parked himself in the dining room and started gathering together the food they hadn't finished (though Lucy had made a good dent in that). He had the presence of mind to quickly text Lucy to stay away until further notice, and by the time he was pocketing his phone, there was a knock on the front door. Kendall was relieved they'd ignored the doorbell, as he hadn't wanted Logan alerted to their presence.

He opened the front door as if surprised to find them on his doorstep, allowing his face to show a mixture of confusion and hope. "Hey."

"Hey," James began. "I'm sorry to be a bother, but I really need to talk to Logan. I know he's leaving tomorrow and there's something I need to say."

"Oh. Uh...sure, come on in."

Kendall stepped out of the path to let them in, offering Carlos a hesitant smile.

"I'm only here because I have to be."

Kendall nodded slowly, then turned his attention to whatever James was saying.

"Is he around?"

"Yeah, in his room. Go ahead."

Once alone with Kendall, Carlos said, "Sorry, I know that sounded rude. I just want to make sure you know that before you get all cutesy and try to say I couldn't resist you. If it was up to me, I'd be keeping my distance."

James suddenly appeared again, eyes slightly panicked. "He's not in his room. Did he leave already?"

"What?" Suddenly James wasn't the only one panicking. "Of course he is, I heard him go in there earlier when he was upset."

"He's not there, Steve."

"What the...oh fuck." Would Lucy know where he went? Had he escaped over the fence the way she always did?

"Wait." Relief flooded James' gaze. "I know where he is. Sorry to interrupt."

Kendall heard the back door open before the low rumble of James' voice reached him, and he relaxed enough to return to his previous conversation with Carlos. "Cutesy?" Kendall smirked. "Is that what I do?"

"You know what I mean. That stupid little smirk that you get when you're trying to be charming."

"Excuse me, I don't _try_ to be charming. It just happens."

"Right, and I don't _try_ to be sexy. That just happens, too."

"Oh, you mean like right now? It's just happening all by itself?"

Carlos opened his mouth and then closed it again, shaking his head but not without a twinkle in his eye. "Knock it off. I know what you're doing and it's not gonna work. We're over."

"I'm just making conversation, Carlos. What else are we supposed to do while waiting for them to finish up?"

"Not go to bed, which I'm sure is what you want to do."

"I'm offended. I never even hinted at that."

"I see it in your eyes."

"Oh, so now you can read my thoughts?"

"I could do that from the moment you first looked at me. Admiring my shoes? Please, Steve, we all know it wasn't my _shoes_ you were staring at."

Kendall laughed, amazed at the way Carlos could bring that about so easily. "Fine, you think you know what I'm thinking? Go ahead. Try me." He stared at Carlos, waiting until deep brown eyes were locked to his to allow his desire to rise to the surface.

Carlos licked his lips, his own gaze suddenly heated. "Not gonna work," he said again, only this time it was strained.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. But if you don't want sex, why don't we finish some of this food so it doesn't go to waste? I was about to clean it up but now that you're here, I'd rather share one last meal with you."

"Isn't that what lunch was supposed to be?"

"Yes, until you stormed out because you couldn't stand to listen to me rationally explain why us having a relationship could be a good thing."

"It's not a good thing."

"As you vehemently shoved down my throat today. So rather than dwell on what's not meant to be, let's eat."

"Spoken like a man after my own heart."

"Which is why we'd be great together." When Carlos glared at him, Kendall lifted his hands up in surrender. "Just saying."

"Less talk, more eat."

They returned to the dining room, taking seats across from each other. Kendall clarified, "So you're saying I'm not allowed to talk to you?"

"Nope. No talking, no touching."

"What's so wrong with talking?"

"It's dangerous."

"How the hell is talking dangerous?"

"When it's you doing the talking? All kinds of ways."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Hey, uh...Steve?"

Kendall spun in his chair, surprised to hear Logan's voice and spying him in the open doorway. "Everything okay?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure. Be right back, Carlos. Oh, sorry, I forgot I'm not supposed to talk. Can I offer you some root beer, though?"

"Actually, water sounds great right now."

"I'll grab you some. Don't wait for me, dig in."

"Oh, I wasn't planning to. I love cold pizza."

Kendall showered a bright smile on Carlos before heading into the kitchen, where Logan was pacing with arms crossed over his chest. "Is James still here?"

"He's outside. What I want to know is why you didn't warn me."

"There really wasn't time."

"Keep in mind that I can rewind the feeds at any time and double-check your answers."

Kendall let out a long sigh. "Fine. I thought it would be better if you were unprepared."

"Better how?"

"I was afraid you'd chase them away. Or hide in the office or something. I know how you're feeling right now and that it's hard for you to continue stringing James along."

"It isn't just James, you know. I feel bad for Carlos, too."

"I know. So do I." When Logan raised a disbelieving eyebrow, he said firmly, "I _do._ It's just one of those things you have to set aside during a mission."

"Whatever. James said he can't stay long, so there's that. He just wants to talk."

"Good. We have an hour, maybe you'll learn something useful."

"Right, because that's all you care about."

"Dammit, Logan, it's the entire reason we're here. Of course it's what I care about. Now get back out there and let the man spill everything."

"I said I was coming in here for lemonade."

"Lemonade? We have that?"

"Yes, I made up a pitcher this morning. Before I knew any of this shitstorm was going to hit."

"I bet Carlos would love that. Or maybe it's not sweet enough for him."

"It's raspberry. He'll love it."

"You're a genius."

"I didn't do it for him."

"Still, you're a genius. Grab some glasses."

They filled four glasses and divided them, Kendall whispering, "Good luck!" as he opened the back door for Logan. He returned the pitcher to the refrigerator before picking up his own set of drinks and entering the dining room with a grin.

"So it turns out we have lemonade."

"Lemonade?" Carlos lifted his head and spoke through a bite of corn dog. "What kind?"

Kendall set down the glasses and settled into his chair. "Raspberry. Nice and sweet."

"Oh, that's my favorite! How do you always know this stuff?"

"This time I can't take credit. Jeff made it this morning."

"Oh, Jeff. He seems like a great guy. Maybe I should go for him instead."

Though he knew Carlos was joking, the way Kendall's stomach dropped at the words belied that. "Not funny."

"No? You wouldn't be getting jealous at all, would you?"

"I think it's more that I'd be concerned for your life. We both know Michael wouldn't take well to you encroaching on his territory."

"You might as well call him James. Everyone else does."

"My point still stands."

"Nah, he wouldn't hurt me. He'd probably be okay with it, since he knows Jeff's a good guy."

"Still not funny."

Carlos sat back in his chair with a smirk. "You _are_ jealous. Oh, this is fun."

"Fun? It's fun to upset me?"

"Please, like you weren't throwing that slut in my face."

Kendall's jaw dropped. "You were the one who said I should have dinner with her!"

"Because I didn't want you."

"Liar. You wanted me the moment you saw me. You admitted it."

"Well, we've established that I'm a liar. I probably lied about that, too."

"Carlos. At least admit that."

"I admit nothing."

"You're a little shit."

"Yet you still can't stop thinking about me and wanting me."

Kendall set down the glass he'd picked up, gaze suddenly serious. "I can't. I've thought of nothing else since I left your house."

Carlos swallowed, avoiding the penetrating stare. "I thought we weren't talking."

"That was your rule."

"It's a good one."

"Carlos, just—"

"I'm not doing this. Sit there and eat and don't talk."

Kendall rolled his eyes and bit into a sandwich half. He'd give it five minutes max before Carlos could stand the silence no more.

* * *

After his argument with Kendall, Logan had needed time to think. The backyard was the place he'd felt the most peace since moving in here, and though he knew James had been the main cause of that, he thought the porch swing might be the perfect place anyway.

He'd been right. Using one foot, Logan set the swing into a gentle rocking motion that was soothing, unlike the chaos currently running through his heart and mind. Other than a brief interruption when Lucy left, he'd found the sounds of nature to be relaxing.

Memories of the night before flooded back, the feel of his head on James' shoulder and James' fingers twined with his under a blanket. The conclusion he eventually came to was that yes, he felt horrible about the way they were treating James and Carlos, but that wasn't the worst part of all of this.

The worst part was how much he already yearned for James again.

Seeing him through a screen would no longer be enough. He wanted to hold James. To hear him whisper in that soft tone he only used with Logan, to smell that scent that was masculine but also so warm, as his touch had been. Their lovemaking had started out so violently and ended in a way that made Logan feel safe. Secure.

Loved.

He was lost in thoughts of their last kiss, of the way James had spoken words he'd both dreaded and longed to hear, when the back door opened. Assuming it was Kendall, he didn't bother to open his eyes. Kendall wasn't the person he needed to speak to right now.

A heavy body dropped onto the bench next to Logan, the motion jarring the swing before it settled back into the soothing rhythmic motion.

"There's nothing I want to say to you right now," Logan said in a dead voice.

The reply wasn't immediate in coming. Logan had just decided to wait Kendall out when he heard, "I'm sorry to hear that. Would you be open to at least listening?"

Hardly daring to believe what his ears picked up, Logan slowly opened his eyes and turned his head. James was there, his own head resting on the back of the swing next to Logan's so that they stared at each other. His heart did an entire acrobatic routine in his chest. "I thought you were Steve," he whispered.

"Does that mean you _are_ open to talking to me?"

"Of course. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just...I don't really know how to say it. You'd think it would be easy after what I said to you earlier, that anything would be a breeze after 'I love you.'"

"Unless you're here to dump me, I don't think anything _would_ be harder. And since we were never really a thing in the first place, I know that's not why you're here."

"No."

"Did you change your mind?" Logan wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be.

"About that? No. I wish I could, but this is better for you in the long run. Better for both of us."

"Better for Carlos."

"That, too."

Logan nodded, his head coming to rest on James' shoulder. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I...it's..." As if searching for bravery, James stretched out a hand to clutch Logan's fingers. "I don't know where to start."

"The beginning's usually the best place."

An amused sound escaped James. "Not sure you really want to listen to me ramble my entire life story."

Logan slowly sat up, the swing's motion coming to a halt so that he could stare directly into James' eyes. "Try me."

He could see that James was rethinking the idea, that it was too scary. They were too close to things James had never wanted to face. "I don't even know why I want to talk about it with you. It's not going to change anything or make my life any better."

"Sometimes just getting it off your chest makes things better. You're right, it won't change anything, but it might bring you peace of mind." James didn't agree or disagree. "I swear to you that anything you say won't leave this porch."

And oh, how it killed Logan to say that. Now he _was_ lying to James, and doing it in a way that could possibly hurt him more than anything else they'd experienced together.

"I know. I'm not worried about that."

Another anvil of guilt. "What _are_ you worried about?"

"Maybe that once I talk it all out and face it, I won't be able to live with myself."

Logan's fingers tightened around James'. "How well are you living with yourself now?"

"Not very," he admitted.

"So let me share the burden."

"I don't want to do that to you. Nobody needs to deal with my shit but me."

"You're not dealing with it, though, James. The only way you're going to is to share it with me. I'll be gone tomorrow. You won't have to look at me again and think about everything I know, worry about me judging you or wondering why you did the things you did. Why you didn't do things you maybe should have."

That hit a sore spot, James looking away.

"I won't judge you."

"Swear?"

"On my life."

Now James met his eyes again, Logan watching the struggle going on behind them. "Twenty minutes ago I decided I needed to do this. I had no doubts, no hesitation, I was just burning to get over here and get it all out. Now I'm thinking it was a mistake."

"Why?"

"Because I'm looking at you, and thinking about how I feel about you, and seeing in your eyes that you feel the same way. Once you hear it all, though...once you know the real me...I won't see that look anymore. There's no way you can know my past and still love me the way you do in this moment."

Logan said it again with that piercing, direct gaze. "Try me."

He could see that James wanted to, but he didn't. The fear was holding him back.

"I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go inside and get us some lemonade. You sit here and decide if you really want to do this. If you don't, I'll be more than happy to just sit with you on this swing and enjoy your presence. No pressure. Whatever you decide, all I ask of you is a kiss before you leave."

"You might not want that once I finish talking."

Logan leaned across the swing, pressing their lips together firmly. "I will _always_ want that. Nothing you say is going to change the way that feels."

He squeezed James' hand and stood up, not looking back as he stepped through the back door and into the kitchen.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Here we have part one of what I call "The Story of James" in my head. There's no Kenlos in this chapter or the next, and I'm sorry for that, but James has a lot to say. Also, I admit that James' hobby in this story was inspired by the James in EpicallyObsessed's "Nice to Know You." If you're a fan of Jagan (or even just really hilarious Kendall), make sure to read that story. It's one of my favorites. And Side1ways, fair warning—no line breaks in this one!

This chapter's already long enough so I'm gonna shut up now. Thanks for reading!

* * *

James accepted the proffered lemonade with a smile, not taking a sip from the glass until Logan was seated and the swing was steady. "Oh, raspberry. This is incredible."

"It's my favorite flavor," Logan agreed. After taking a few swigs, he reached across James to set his glass on the tiny end table, but rather than move back to his own side of the swing, he remained draped over James with his head resting on James' chest. James set his own glass next to Logan's before trapping Logan into place with both arms. He placed a kiss to Logan's hair and said, "It's easier to talk like this, without you looking at me."

"Which is why I chose this position."

"And here I thought it was because you like being close to me," James teased.

"That's no secret."

The light touch of banter helped James, relaxing him slightly. "You sure you want to hear all this?"

"I want you to find peace."

"There really is no point to all of it. I mean it when I say it's not going to change anything."

"It'll change you."

James swallowed hard, Logan feeling the movement under his cheek. "Should I really start at the beginning?"

"There's an old song that says it's a very good place to start."

A surprised chuckle rumbled up from James' chest. "I've heard that song. And it's appropriate, because it's from my mom's favorite movie."

"Yeah?" Hearing something in James' voice when he said the word 'mom', Logan continued, "Maybe you should start with her."

"Okay, well...I was raised by her. My dad left when I was a little kid; I barely remember him. I just remember my mom working two jobs to keep us fed and to pay the rent on our apartment. She wasn't home a lot, but I never went hungry."

"Where was this?"

"No specifics. That's the deal."

Oh. So Logan would be getting the story, but not enough to really research any of it. "That's fine."

"Sorry. That's how it has to be."

"It's okay. Go on."

"She loved me so much. I rebelled here and there, probably from a lack of attention, because at the time I couldn't see that she was doing what was best for me. I just knew she was never home and it felt like she didn't care much. I was bored all the time. Lonely."

"Understandable."

"Looking back now, I wish I'd treated her better. Appreciated her more. Instead I got mixed up in some bad shit. Started hanging with the wrong crowd, doing the usual rebellious stuff. Drugs, alcohol, anything to make me forget that I was lonely. Got arrested a few times, and my mom didn't know what to do with me. She couldn't afford my fines and was scared they'd haul me away. I still don't know how they didn't, I deserved it."

Throughout the telling, James had been speaking in what was almost a monotone, as if he was removed from the story. Disconnected. Perhaps that's what he needed to be in order to get the words out. He paused now, probably lost in memories, and Logan allowed it for a minute before gently prompting, "Go on."

"Mom died when I was sixteen. It was sudden, no warning, and it wasn't until then that I realized just how much I needed her. No matter what I did or what I said, she loved me. I was such a fuck-up and it upset her, but she always made sure to tell me she loved me. The last time I talked to her, we fought. I'd promised her I would stop doing drugs but she found some in my bag and we had a huge fight. She kept saying, 'You're so much better than this, Jamie. You're throwing away your life.'"

The monotone cracked. Logan tightened his arms around James.

"I said some stupid shit, I don't even remember what, but it hurt her. She was crying when I left and she said, 'I love you. Can't you see that...'"

James trailed off, his chest rising and falling rapidly along with his breathing. Finally he was able to continue.

"'Can't you see that I get so mad because I love you?' I didn't want to hear that. I took off and when I got home, there were two cops waiting for me. I thought they were there to arrest me, that she'd turned me in for possession or something, and after they left I wished that had been the case. They were there to tell me Mom was in a car crash and didn't make it. Some asshole high on coke had swerved into her lane and...you know."

A chill ran through Logan as he recalled Kendall's story of his own mother and sister meeting a similar fate. It had resulted in a much different reaction in Kendall, though.

As if James could read his thoughts, he said, "You'd think that would steer me away from drugs, wouldn't you? That it would teach me a lesson or show me the dangers of getting high. Instead it did the opposite—I got heavier into the drugs because nothing else made me forget the pain and self-loathing. I had no way to pay for the apartment, couldn't get a job because I was never clean long enough to pass a drug test, and had to come up with money fast because rent was due in a few weeks. I didn't have anywhere else to go, no family that would take me in. I'd thought I was lonely before, but once Mom was gone...then I understood what real loneliness is."

Logan could see it, could imagine the terror James must have felt wondering where he was going to live or how he was going to eat. Stuck with remorse and shame. "What did you do?" he asked quietly, not wanting to derail James' train of thought because the words seemed to be coming easier now.

"I had some friends I hung out with that had gotten me into the drugs. One of them suggested I talk to his dealer and see if I could make money that way. I had nothing to lose, so I did. He got me in touch with someone higher up in the...organization, I guess you'd call it...and we made a deal. I got to keep some of the profits. Not a lot, of course, but if I sold enough I'd make the money I needed for the apartment. So...I did."

Logan's stomach clenched. This was what Kendall had been trying to remind him of, that it was people like this they needed to get off the streets. People like this who'd killed Kendall's family. People like this you shouldn't fall in love with, because in the end it would only end up hurting you.

"Hate me yet?" James asked softly, obviously not wanting to hear the answer.

Logan couldn't. "No. I may not like some of your actions, but I don't hate you. Go on."

After dropping a kiss to the top of Logan's head, James did. "It was fine at first. I managed to make my rent that month. The owner tried to tell me I couldn't stay in the place because I was a minor and couldn't sign any contracts, but he'd known me from the time I was a kid and felt sorry for me. I squeezed out some tears about how the place had sentimental value to me and was the only link left to my mom, and he made it work. I still don't know how, don't have any idea what he put in writing, but I had a place to live and that's all I cared about. As long as I kept paying the rent."

"What went wrong?"

"I started using more of my product than I was selling. A little at first, but with addiction there's no...it's like you're on a freight train and it starts out slow but then you need more and more and the train goes faster and faster and no matter how much you use, it's never enough. I couldn't come up with the money to pay my boss because I hadn't actually sold most of the product. I'd used it myself. Next thing I know I'm being taken to the big boss at the main house and sent to this huge room with all these paintings everywhere to wait. There was a guy in a corner with a gun, and I was positive they were gonna shoot me. I almost shit myself so many times while I waited, sure this was it. I was dead."

Knowing exactly what that felt like, Logan instinctively hugged James tighter. How old had he been? Sixteen, he'd said? Logan had been eighteen and petrified, he could only imagine how much worse it was for James at sixteen. "What happened?"

"The dude came in. I'd never met him before, obviously. I'd heard talk of him, like he was someone you didn't want to cross. I expected some big, ripped god and instead he was kind of short, a little overweight, and wearing a baseball cap. I mean...absolutely nothing like what you hear drug lords are like. I was still terrified, of course, because looks can be deceiving, but the guy sat down, sent the dude with the gun away, and leaned back in his chair and said, 'Did they feed you?' I was confused at first, wondering if that was some kind of drug jargon I didn't know. I shook my head and he was like, 'You're too skinny, you need some food.' He picks up his phone and tells someone to bring me in a burger and a shake. He actually stopped to ask me if I eat meat and if I prefer chocolate or strawberry. I was so scared that I kind of just nodded at whatever he said. After he hung up, he clarified my name to make sure I was who he thought I was, then we talked about the drugs. He asked me if it was true that I'd skimmed more than my profits from the sales and I admitted the truth to him, that I hadn't actually sold the stuff but used it myself. I mean, I figured I was dead anyway, might as well tell the truth. Stealing from him sounded worse than what I actually did."

James paused, but Logan's mind was racing. Was this Luis? Is this how he met Carlos and Cristina? Had they ever even gotten confirmation that Carlos' sister was the mother of Emily?

"Still love me?"

Logan tilted his head up to meet James' lips with his own. "Still love you. Go on."

"Okay, so we talked about that and I could see he believed me because he kept shaking his head like 'What am I gonna do with you?' He asked me how I got into drugs and I told him the story. I thought it might win me some sympathy points so I didn't hold back when I talked about my mom; I let the tears flow. He got up and got me the chair the other guy had been using, so I sat down and he passed me a tissue and then this kid comes in with a plate and a cup and sets it down on the desk in front of me. I hadn't eaten at all since the night before and I was starving, but I was also scared that it was poisoned. There's no way this guy could be that nice, right?"

Luis. It had to be Luis. And...Carlos? But maybe not, James had said he met Carlos through Cristina.

"The kid left. When I didn't touch the food, he knew what I was thinking and swore to me the food was fine. I was still afraid to trust him, so he got on the phone and called the kid back in. He asked the kid to tell me who he was, and the kid said he was the man's nephew. Then he told the kid to take a bite. The kid was confused but went ahead and did it." James chuckled and added, "Actually, the kid took three bites before his uncle made him stop."

Definitely Carlos. Logan couldn't hold back a smile.

"Then he had his nephew drink some of the shake, and it was his way of proving to me that the food wasn't poisoned. I still wasn't sure if I could trust them, I mean this could've just been some routine they used all the time, but I was starving and didn't have much to live for at that point anyway, so I figured what the hell. I ate the burger and it was the best damn thing I'd ever had in my life."

"I hate that you felt that way," Logan commented. "Like you didn't have anything to live for."

"I didn't. The only person I'd ever loved was gone. I was a screw-up with no future except as a drug dealer, and maybe not even that after I messed up so bad. I had nothing. Please try to understand that and why I did the things I did."

"Still not judging you. Keep going."

"You're a saint, Logan. No wonder I fell in love with you in a matter of hours."

"So it wasn't just the smile you hadn't seen enough of?"

"I've seen plenty of that now. And I'm grateful for every single smile you've given me. I'm really going to miss that when you're gone."

"I don't want to think about that right now. Tell me more. What happened with the big bad drug lord in the baseball cap?"

"We talked while I ate. He lectured me about the dangers of drugs, can you believe it? The man's entire empire was built on drug sales, but he was sitting there telling me how dangerous they were and how they can destroy a man's life. When I pointed out the irony, because by then I was comfortable enough with him to believe he wasn't going to have me murdered, he said that the smartest dealers are the ones who know better than to touch the stuff themselves. The ones who fear the power that drugs can hold over you."

Logan's body went cold. Hadn't he said something similar to Kendall recently? Now here James was telling him the same thing.

"So he asked me if I could be trusted to stay off the drugs I was supposed to be selling. I answered him honestly and said I didn't know. I remember him studying me, like taking stock, and I thought again that he might be deciding whether or not to have me killed. Maybe the burger and shake had been a last meal. Instead what he said really surprised me. He told me I had a pretty face."

"Oh shit," Logan whispered, afraid of where that would lead.

"Yeah, it scared me, too. Suddenly death wasn't my worst fear. He knew that he'd scared me, though, and immediately reassured me that he wasn't coming on to me. He asked how much experience I'd had with sex, and that didn't help my fear at all. I tried to stay calm but wanted to bolt, and he knew it and swore he wasn't going to touch me. I finally told him that I'd messed around with a few girls at my school, that I knew about sex. He asked me if I'd ever been with a guy. Obviously that terrified me even more. So instead of continuing to ask questions, he explained to me why he was asking. Turns out he thought I could make him more money selling sex than selling drugs."

"Jesus."

"Yeah. You know what the worst part of that was? This is where you're gonna judge me."

"Not judging you."

"I liked the idea."

Logan sat up, surprised, and locked eyes with James. "You did?"

"Yeah. I was lonely. At least with a job like that, I would never be alone. Always be needed and wanted. That's sick, isn't it?"

It took a few moments for the words to digest, but then Logan shook his head. "Not when you explain it like that."

"I told him I had no experience with guys, and he said that could be arranged. That he would have me...trained, so to speak. He swore again that he would never touch me personally and wouldn't allow any of his people to touch me."

"His people?"

"Yeah, like his men or anyone in his employ outside of the ones who would be training me. Said he didn't trust them, that they might hurt me. He had other clients in mind for me, rich and lonely people who just wanted a companion for the night. People he knew were good on the inside and wouldn't treat me like trash. He said it was a very discreet operation that not many people knew about, not even most of his own employees, but it made him millions and brought joy to lonely people. I didn't know what to think."

"So he basically ran an escort service?"

"Pretty much. I wasn't sure how to feel about his offer but I also felt trapped. He wasn't going to let me deal his drugs anymore, not that I could blame him, and I didn't know of another way to make money fast. Plus, I had to admit I was intrigued. Especially when he offered to give me a place to live."

"Where?"

"In a home he'd set up for others like me. He knew that with everything that had happened with Mom, that I was going to lose the apartment. He offered me food and shelter and promised I'd be taken care of. I considered it, but...in the end, I asked if I could keep the apartment."

"Why?" Logan wondered, though he thought he knew the answer.

"I was still not one hundred percent convinced he was being straight with me. It sounded too good to be true."

"A life of prostitution sounded too good to be true?"

James hesitated. "The judgment has now made an appearance."

"No," Logan assured him, sitting up to look at James again. "I'm just trying to understand. You knew that's what he was offering, right?"

"I knew," James nodded. "But along with that came security. Someone to...take care of me again, the way Mom always tried to. It was scary, but at the same time he was promising me what I wanted most."

Logan closed his eyes and kissed James gently. "No judgment."

"Thank you," James whispered, arms tightening around Logan before loosening to let him settle back down. "I think the truth is I wanted to keep that apartment for the bullshit reason I gave the landlord. I needed a connection to Mom."

"That's what I thought," Logan smiled.

"Yeah yeah, I'm a sentimental fool."

"I love that about you. Especially since you hide it so well. I love that you can admit it to me."

"I think I'd admit anything to you."

"Why is that?" Logan wanted to know. "What is it about me that made you come over here today and spill your soul?"

"I'm honestly not sure. Something in your eyes, maybe. I've never wanted to tell anyone these things. Swore to keep it locked up for the rest of my life. With you...I guess I just need you to understand, to see me the way I really am. Which scares the shit out of me, because I still think that once you know everything, you won't love me."

"Have your actions with me been fake in any way?"

"What do you mean?" James frowned.

"The James I've gotten to know over the past twenty-four hours, is he the real you?"

"Yeah. I tried to keep him hidden, but...you seem to have a key that unlocks every single barrier I've built over the years."

"That's the James I fell in love with. That's the real you."

After letting that settle for a minute, James asked, "So you're saying that someone who embraced a life of prostitution and drugs is someone you can love?"

Logan stared up at James before answering, knowing he had to choose his words carefully, but when he spoke it was the truth. "I'm saying that I love the man standing before me right now. Or...sitting, I suppose. Point is, everything you've lived in the past made you what you are today. And who you are now is the most amazing, beautiful, perfect man I've ever known."

"Fuck, Logan, stop saying shit like that," James breathed, panic climbing into hazel eyes. "I can't...how the fuck am I supposed to walk away from you when you say things like that and look at me like that? I can't give you the life you deserve, don't you understand that? Don't you see that—"

Logan moved fast, the swing rocking as he swung a leg over James' hips to twist around and straddle him. James gasped into the kiss Logan forced on him, hands trembling as they lifted to Logan's face to tilt his head and get deeper into his mouth. James was hard under him now, Logan's body screaming for what it remembered as the most incredible feeling of ecstasy, but James needed to finish the story. James needed to know that he was worthy of being loved no matter how the story ended.

"I love you," Logan pulled away to whisper, their gazes locking while their breaths came fast. "Not for what you can't give me, but what you already have. For what you're giving me right now, this right here. You're giving me your soul, showing me what you've never shown anyone else."

"I didn't think anyone would want to see that."

"I do. Show me the rest."

It took James a full minute to gain control of himself and to calm down enough to settle back into the story. Remembering what he'd said earlier, Logan leaned forward to rest his cheek on James' shoulder but otherwise didn't move except to press his lips to James' neck.

"I love you," was how James returned to speech.

"I know. Go on."

"Okay, well...we came to an agreement. I swore to give up the drugs, which wasn't easy but I needed this job. All I had to do was show up every day around four P.M. and be ready to serve. Or to train, for the first few weeks. I was free the following morning and could go home and sleep, do whatever I wanted as long as I was back at the house by four. He'd pay my rent and make sure I had a little spending money, like enough to buy food and toiletries for the apartment. But for the most part I didn't even need that; he provided everything I could ask for."

Noting that James hadn't expanded on it, Logan prodded, "What sort of training?"

"What you'd expect, I guess. Sex. I was already familiar enough with girls, but my trainers taught me new techniques. I had more sex in those first two weeks than I thought it was possible for one person to have throughout a lifetime."

"Men, too?"

"Yeah. Once I felt confident that I could please any woman, they moved me on to men. I discovered very quickly that men are what I prefer. With the women it was okay, but more like just going through the motions. Guys...I learned everything there was to know and begged for more. Sorry if that's..."

"It's fine," Logan smiled, meaning it. "After the few hours I spent with you today, I understand that need for more."

"It opened up a whole new world. I was actually excited to try all this stuff out, to see if I really could please someone. My training partners seemed to enjoy me, but they also knew how to fake pleasure. So it wasn't until I had my first client that I got a genuine reaction."

"And it was favorable?" Logan couldn't imagine a roll in the hay with James would be anything but.

"Yeah. She was nice, this older lady who couldn't take her eyes off me all through dinner. Most of my evenings would begin like that, me being driven to some mansion or hotel and treated like a king. I was nervous at first, but the way she kept looking at me I knew it wouldn't take much to do the job, so to speak. And..." James sighed.

"Still not judging," Logan reminded him.

"It felt good," he admitted. "It felt good to make someone happy. To be desired. All most of these people ever wanted was a night away from the pressure of their lives, a night to be treated as if they were someone special. I'm not justifying what I did, I know it was wrong. I'm only explaining why I did it and how it felt more like I was doing someone a service than...you know."

"I know," Logan nodded. "How often did you actually see—" In panic, Logan cut the sentence short. He'd almost mentioned Luis by name, and if he had it would've destroyed everything he and Kendall had built.

"What?"

"Your boss. How often did you see him?"

"Every day. When I first got there, I waited for him in this little room that almost no one knew about. He made sure to keep me hidden from everyone."

"Why?"

"He said he didn't trust anybody. I don't know how to explain it, but he almost treated me like a son. Or a nephew. This is going to sound very strange, but there was a secret passage inside the place. You could actually access it from outside the property. He swore me to secrecy because no one outside of his family and his closest people knew about it, and that's how I'd sneak in and out every day. A car would pick me up at my apartment and take me to the street entrance, and when I was ready to leave it would take me to the house where the others were. Where I would've lived had I given up the apartment. There I'd get ready and whatever client he'd set me up with for the night would come get me or send a car and I'd start my evening."

Logan's fingers twitched but otherwise he gave no indication that the information had sent his heart into overdrive. A secret entrance nobody knew about? This was absolutely news to the Bureau. "How many clients did you have each night?"

"One. It was always one. They paid a lot for an entire night, so I made sure to give them their money's worth."

"He wasn't worried about you skimming money from it?"

"No, all payments were made directly to him. He told me I could keep whatever gifts or tips they gave me. It got to a point where I'd have repeat customers, ones who specifically asked for me, so before I knew it I was basically sleeping with the same seven people every week. It was like being in seven different relationships with partners you only saw once a week. And...honestly, they treated me kindly. I became fond of them."

"Were they all older?"

"Most of them. One died and I went to his funeral. I still miss him sometimes. Not for the sex, but for the stories he would tell. I loved listening to him talk about his childhood and the struggles he'd lived through. Is that weird?"

"I don't think so. Did you fall in love with any of them?"

"No. Not like that. I loved them in a different way. Felt affection toward them. And over the years, of course, the clientele would change. But I bonded with all of them, because in a weird way they became companions to me just as I was to them."

Logan nodded, able to see it. While it certainly wasn't a life he could imagine living, he understood James' need to be loved and appreciated. "When did that change?"

James didn't answer. Logan gave him some time, eventually lifting his head to see a faraway look in James' eyes.

"None of that was the hard part to talk about, was it?"

"It wasn't easy."

"But there's worse."

"Yeah," James whispered. He cleared his throat, Logan feeling the strong body tense up underneath his own.

"Take your time."

"Kiss me."

Logan immediately responded, offering what he hoped was a soothing, reassuring kiss. James melted into it with a soft sigh, letting it taper off into a staccato of lip presses until he was ready.

"So I told you about the little room I'd wait for L—for my boss in."

Logan's heart skipped a beat. That was enough confirmation. "Yeah."

"I found out later that it was his quiet place. Which sounds weird since there was a piano in it. But there were also easels set up, and every day when I showed up the paintings on them would be different. Sometimes it was the same painting as before only further along, other times it was blank canvases ready for something new. I'd gotten in the habit of messing around on the piano, because he had a lot of business to attend to and wasn't always on time."

"You play piano?" Logan smiled.

"Not really. I learned a little, but not...I mean, not well enough to say I play."

"What did you play?"

"Whatever happened to be on the rack when I walked in. I'd learned to read music in grade school when my mom forced me to play the trumpet. So I knew the progression of notes on a scale, and I knew where middle C was on a piano. Once you know all that, it's not hard to follow along."

"Really wishing Steve owned a piano so I could listen to you play."

"Trust me, Logan, it's not worth all that."

"Did you enjoy it?"

James bit his lip. "Probably the most I've ever enjoyed doing anything in my life. Up to that point."

Logan couldn't resist a peck to James' cheek. "So there was a piano and easels."

"Yeah. I always assumed the paintings were his. One day I was in the room attempting to play a song and when I'd reached the end, a girl's voice said, 'It needs work, but that was beautiful.' I think I jumped out of my skin. Barely managed to not fall off the bench."

"Always a good thing," Logan joked.

"So I turned around and there was this girl, she looked a few years younger than me."

"Which was?"

"Well, by then I was older."

"How old?"

James smirked. "Are you trying to get me to share my age?"

"I'm wondering how long you did what you did."

"Oh." The amusement died. "I was twenty when I met her."

"Oh." This was obviously before Emily came along, and since Emily looked to be two or three in the picture Logan had seen, that would make James at least twenty-two or three now. Logan pegged him as a bit older, though.

"Disappointed?"

"No. Stop thinking I'm going to hate you and quit finding reasons to not continue."

"Alright, alright. So she asked who I was and I didn't know what to say because I knew my boss didn't want his people to know about me. I tried to turn it into a joke and told her to guess. I meant for her to guess my name, but what she said was, 'With a face like that, I'd guess one of my uncle's sex slaves.'"

Logan's eyes bugged out. "Oh wow."

"It hit me hard. Made me feel like trash. She saw that, though, and was like 'No offense! I didn't mean anything by it. It was actually a compliment but I'm so bad at giving those that it always comes off as an insult. It was my way of saying you're really hot.'"

Against his will, Logan laughed. He could only assume this was Cristina, and he liked her already. "Why does this sound like something Carlos would say?" Logan mused.

James was surprised into a laugh. "It does, doesn't it? Those two certainly were not trained in the art of subtlety. But by that time I was the one embarrassed, and so we stared at each other blushing until she told me her name."

"Which was?"

"No specifics."

"That's not fair," Logan complained.

"That's the deal. Take it or leave it."

"Fine," he groaned. "So she told you her name, and I imagine you told her yours."

"Yep. I also told her I wasn't allowed to tell anyone why I was there and she didn't press me on it, even though she 'could just tell' I was 'one of the sex dudes.' When I didn't say anything else, she shrugged and went over to one of the easels to continue a painting she'd already started and told me I could keep playing if I wanted. I asked if she'd get in trouble for being here and she said probably, because she was only allowed in there certain hours, but she was willing to risk her uncle's wrath because 'he loves me too much to stay mad.'"

Logan's lips twisted. "Definitely sounds like Carlos."

"She was a firecracker," James agreed. "Bottom line is that when he did arrive, we were talking about our favorite musical artists and laughing, and I remember the look on his face. He was shocked to find her there, then seemed like he was going to be upset about it. She laughed, though, over something I was saying, and the man's face changed. Like he was in awe. Turns out she very rarely laughed. There was only one other person who could make her laugh, and that was her brother. So instead of him telling her to leave and never come back, he excused her but told her she could come back the following day at the same time and 'keep me company' until he showed up. And that's exactly what happened. She'd paint, I'd attempt to play the piano, and we'd talk. I noticed a few weeks in that my boss would arrive later and later, and I knew it was on purpose, but it had been so long since I'd had anyone my own age to talk to that I didn't mind it. I liked her. She was funny."

"Were you attracted to her?" Logan didn't know why that was important; he only knew that it was something he needed desperately to know.

"Not...I mean, not in a sexual way. I think my attraction to her grew over time, or maybe I'm fooling myself and it was more affection than attraction. I loved being around her. She loved being with me. We made each other laugh."

Remembering James' comment from earlier about how Logan had been the first to make him laugh in over a year, Logan felt a sense of pride. He could at least do that as well as Cristina.

And when had this become a contest? Logan scolded himself for the immature feelings of jealousy rising to the surface. "So you became friends."

"The best. Sometimes I'd play, usually she would paint, but a lot of the time we just talked. I learned what her life was like, very sheltered and private. It drove her crazy because she wanted to get out and live, experience things, but her uncle preferred to keep her locked away in the house where she was safe. Her parents had been murdered when she was five."

"Five?" Logan echoed. His intel had stated that Carlos was five when their parents died. That would mean...

"Yeah. I won't get into details, but it was a gruesome murder. She and her brother went to live with their uncle at that time."

"How old was her brother?" Logan tried, thinking that wouldn't be too suspicious of a question.

"The same age. They were twins."

Well. There was something that hadn't been shared with them. Logan didn't suppose it really mattered to the case, yet it made an impact on him anyway. He'd never had siblings but could imagine the loss of a twin to be devastating. "That's horrible."

"Yes, but it was something we were able to bond over. We both missed our moms dreadfully."

"What about her dad?"

"She hadn't been as close to him, said he was always away from the house doing business with her uncle."

"Ah. Makes sense."

"Yeah. We had a lot of deep talks, and eventually she brought it to my attention that she'd never had sex and was dying to experience it, but her uncle wouldn't let a man near her."

"Oh. Definitely a lack of subtlety."

"She tried to be subtle at first," James chuckled. "By that time I'd been doing the job for over five years and sex had become kind of a...I don't know. It still felt good, but it wasn't exciting like it had been in the beginning. My favorite evenings were the ones where my clients just wanted to talk."

"I can see that about you," Logan smiled. "Didn't you tell me that last night? That you like talking to me?"

"I did," James nodded. He pressed a kiss to Logan's forehead. "I do. You don't know how rare that is for me these days."

"I think I have an idea. So was she trying to tell you she wanted you to be her first?"

"Pretty much. When I told her sex wasn't all it's cracked up to be, she decided I was just saying that to 'make her feel better.' She reminded me that she'd just turned nineteen and was long overdue for her...what was the word she used? Initiation, I think. I had no intention of being that person in her life, especially since I knew her uncle would probably have me castrated and shot for touching her in that way. I told her that, and she argued that her uncle loved me like a son and couldn't stay mad at _me_ , either. I'd never made him mad and didn't want to test that theory."

"Smart."

"Exactly. She started doing things like sitting on my lap and trying to trick me into kissing her, anything she could think of to convince me. One day I was playing a song and she was painting, and when I finished and turned around she'd taken off her shirt. No bra underneath. I felt like I was looking at my little sister or something and freaked out. I yelled at her and she started crying. So when her uncle eventually showed up, I was sitting in a chair with her on my lap consoling her."

"Oh my god, without the shirt?"

"No, thank god I'd had the presence of mind to cover that up again. It felt wrong to look at it. She was pretty, I'm not saying she wasn't. The truth is she was beautiful. But I'm more attracted to men and she felt like a sister to me, and...I couldn't do it. Had it been you in that room trying to seduce me, I probably would've caved the first day."

Logan grinned, chest puffing out with pride. Some of the jealousy skittered away.

"When he saw her crying, he asked what was wrong and she started screaming at him that he was a monster who wouldn't let her live her life, that all she wanted was to be normal and instead she was stuck in that prison. She said she had no future to look forward to because her brother would be the one taking over the business and since he wouldn't even let her go to college or get a job, she had nothing to hope for. He explained that he was only trying to keep her safe and she said she didn't care, that she'd rather die than continue to waste away in that place. She might've been a bit of a drama queen," James chuckled.

"Sounds like it."

"But she knew how to get to him. It worked. He sent her away and sat me down for a long talk, asked me to tell him what she'd said before he walked in. Wanted to know what had upset her so much. I felt loyal to her, but at the same time this man held my future in his hands. If I'd lied, he would know and that would bring distrust into our arrangement. So I told him the truth. She was ready to experience things of a womanly nature and had been trying for weeks to get me to show her what she was missing. I made sure to tell him that I'd been denying her, and that she'd been crying earlier because of it. He thanked me for respecting her enough to not take advantage of that, said something along the lines of 'I knew the day we met you had honor.' As pissed at me as she was gonna be, I was glad I'd been honest. We talked a little about the business and then he sent me on my way to prepare for my date. I didn't see her again for a week."

"Was she mad at you?"

"I think so. Not just for telling him everything, but for continually denying her when I was her only option. My boss didn't bring her up again, and a few days later I finally asked if she was okay. I couldn't help being worried. He said she was fine, that she was still upset, and that he didn't know what to do. It was the first time I'd ever heard him say that or look so out of his element. He admitted to me that he didn't know anything about raising a daughter and that even his nephew was at a loss. As her twin, he'd always been the one she ran to when she needed anything, but in this case he couldn't help her. Her uncle certainly couldn't help her. He asked my advice, which shocked the hell out of me. He said that outside of himself and his nephew, I knew her best, and asked what he should do. I thought it over and suggested that he set her up with one of my...colleagues, so to speak. Someone he trusted who would be gentle with her. I knew her need was only going to intensify as time passed, and that it was something she wouldn't be able to let go of until she experienced it. He didn't like that idea, but said he'd give it some thought. A few days after that he met up with me in the room like always but informed me that my date had been canceled. This had never happened before, and I was actually disappointed because...this sounds so lame."

"Tell me."

"The woman I was spending the evening with had challenged me to a video game tournament. I'd introduced her to Playstation and she was addicted, and we had an all-night tournament set up. She'd been trash-talking me for most of our previous date. Damn, I miss her."

Logan's heart cracked as he heard the truth of that, wondering now how many friends James had left behind to come to this place. It was no wonder he was lonely. "Did you ever get to make it up to her?"

"Yeah, the following week. She creamed me, too. Not in the good way." When Logan laughed, James added, "She never let me live that down."

"She sounds fantastic."

"One of the best people I've ever known. She's the one who taught me to cook. But getting back to...you know. I followed him down a hallway, and then another, and it was like a maze in that house. I'd never been anywhere besides his office and the art room, as he called it. He took me into a room that was like a...an outer chamber? I don't really know what else to call it. It was a room with sofas and chairs and a fireplace, and a huge entertainment system, and there were doors that led to bedrooms. One was hers, one was her brother's. I knew then what he wanted and I was terrified. I was like, 'I didn't mean _me.'_ He argued that there was no one else he trusted with her, and that she already liked me. I felt trapped. He said he'd pay me extra for it and I immediately declined that. I didn't want her to be like the rest were. She was my friend. I asked if she'd agreed to it and he said he hadn't discussed it with her. That she'd been crying off and on all week and he didn't know what else to do. He begged me to just give her one night so she could get past it. I said what if she wanted it more after experiencing it? His direction was 'Make it mediocre.' So he wanted me to go in there and have sex with his niece, but not so great that she'd ever want it again."

"How in the hell are you supposed to do that?"

"My thoughts exactly. I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea, that I couldn't think of her in a sexual way, and he said he preferred that because he knew I would treat her well. He had an answer for every argument I gave and when he said again that she'd been crying all the time...that broke me. Because I did love her, in some way, and it hurt me to know she was suffering."

"So you did it."

"I did it. He promised we wouldn't be disturbed until morning, said he'd sent his nephew off on some overnight business deal. I was left alone, and sat there for a long time just trying to decide how to handle this. It would change our friendship forever."

There was so much pain in James' tone that Logan tilted his face down to touch their lips together. "I love you."

It had no bearing on their current conversation, but James had needed to hear it. His eyes fell closed and he rubbed his nose over Logan's cheek. "I love you, too." When he could, he continued. "She was in her room. Sitting on her bed reading a book. I walked in and she looked up, expecting her uncle or her brother, and when she saw me her face went into shock. She asked what I was doing there. I told her that I'd been thinking a lot about her over the past week and that I'd missed her. Those weren't lies. I said I'd asked her uncle if I could be the one to show her what she needed to know. The way her eyes lit up...Logan, as horrible as it sounds, I was glad I'd done it. It was just so good to see her lighting up again, to see the sadness gone from her eyes."

"It doesn't sound horrible."

"She wasn't sure at first if I was serious, so I sat down on her bed and kissed her. I didn't realize until that moment that she'd never been kissed. She was so eager. It was like with my clients, where their enjoyment of the kiss made me enjoy it. Being wanted was always a rush for me, just feeling like I was worthy of being desired...it was what I loved most about the job. That and pleasing others."

"I can see why you like me, then," Logan smirked. "I was all over you."

"Not at first. You hid it so well last night. We kept talking about how neither of us was into all that romance crap and I meant it, and I think you did, too, but..."

"I did," Logan agreed. "You're the first person to ever make me want that crap. To make me so hungry for someone I thought I'd die if I couldn't touch you."

"But you didn't show that. You kept it all inside."

"So did you. Then I kissed you and...that was it. The dam broke."

"I don't think I've ever felt as much desperation as I feel around you. That's how I knew I couldn't just let you leave. It's what brought me over here for a talk this morning. I couldn't stand the thought of not touching you."

"Glad that's mutual."

James was growing hard again under Logan, who was just as breathless. "I swear I just came over here to talk to you."

"That's twice now. I like the way you speak to me."

Though he let out a needy sound and squirmed between Logan's thighs, James looked away and reached for his lemonade in an attempt to cool off. "I don't know how you do this to me."

"I don't either, because I'm nobody."

"I only wish that was the case." He tipped his glass to Logan's lips, waiting until he'd swallowed to move it back to the table. "Where was I?"

"You kissed her."

"Right. We kissed for a long time. I think I needed it to mentally prepare myself. And it worked, because by the time I started undressing her, I was hard. At least enough to get the job done. Even though it still felt weird, like she was family, at least I knew she was learning from someone who wouldn't hurt her. We made each other laugh a lot. I could tell she was scared but she was ready. She was tired of waiting. So...I showed her what she was missing."

"And of course she wanted more."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because it's you. I'm sure you were gentle with her and tried to please her."

"Yeah," James admitted. "I know he said to make it mediocre, but I wanted her to enjoy it. Sex can be a beautiful thing."

"I'm aware of that now," Logan smiled.

"Sure you didn't forget already? Need someone to help you remember?"

"Keep talking like that and I'll make you remind me right here on this swing."

"Fuck, that's hot. It sets me on fire when I see that look in your eyes, when I can feel that you want me so bad."

"I still can't believe you want me."

"I'm always gonna want you. I don't care where you are or what you're doing, I'll be somewhere in this world thinking about you and wanting you."

"James," Logan breathed, unable to curb the need any longer. He dove for the mouth that had become a second home to his, hissing when James' fingers dug into his sides. He at least had the presence of mind to realize Lucy might be somewhere getting a show and grated, "Bedroom."

James was up in a flash, Logan's legs wrapping tight around his waist as they kissed again. They'd gotten as far as the back door when James' phone chirped, the sound enough to break through James' lust. "Fuck. It's Carlos."

Logan hopped down, watching in trepidation as James checked his phone display.

"Asshole."

"What's wrong?"

"He sent me a reminder that I only have thirty minutes left before we leave."

"Damn. I guess Steve isn't getting anywhere with him."

"On the contrary, he's probably going insane right now wishing Steve would touch him. Which just makes him want to leave even more. Okay. I really do need to talk this out."

"You're right. I'm sorry, I got carried away and—"

"Please, you act like you were the only one behaving like a dog in heat. It's what you do to me."

Logan couldn't keep from asking the question. "Just tell me one thing." When James waited for him to continue, he asked, "Did she ever do that to you? Even later, when you went out and bought her a ring? Had it gotten to that point where you couldn't control yourself around her?"

James tilted his head to study Logan, gaze searching his face with an unreadable expression. "Sit down," he commanded softly.

Logan's cheeks flushed as he looked away. "Forget I asked."

"Sit down," James said again, waiting until Logan had done so to join him on the swing. Logan put a little bit of space between them this time, embarrassed for the way he was acting. "Look at me."

"I'd rather just fall into a deep dark pit right about now."

"Logan."

The way James said his name always sent flutters echoing through his stomach. Logan braced himself and lifted his face, waiting for whatever it was James was determined to say.

"I've slept with more men and women than I can name or begin to count."

"I know. It doesn't make me—"

"I enjoyed sex most of those times. Obviously more in the beginning, when it was new, but I enjoyed making others happy. Like I said before."

"Right." When Logan's gaze drifted away, James lifted a hand to cradle his chin and force it back into place so they were locked on each other.

"There has _never_ been a man—or a woman—who made me feel what you do. There has never been anyone who pulled those three stupid little words out of me outside of—"

"Two people, I know. Emily and...her."

"Emily and...my mom," James corrected.

"But you were going to marry her," Logan reminded him. "You said you had a ring."

"I did, and I'll get to that. What I need you to understand, what's more important than anything else I say to you today, is that I love you in a way I have never loved anyone in my life. I've loved as a son and I've loved as a father. You are the first person to make me love as a...I don't even know the word, honestly. You made me hear the birds." When Logan said nothing, James continued, "And to make it clear, she never did that for me. That's something only you are capable of."

Logan's face crumpled. "I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to. By the time I finish this story, you'll understand why you have to. But do it knowing that if I had a choice, you'd never leave."

Struck by too much emotion to contain, Logan threw himself into James' arms, where James held him and made him feel loved.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This was supposed to go up tomorrow, but Side1ways asked me to not wait too long so here you go. This is the second half of James' story. Next chapter we return to Kendall and Carlos. Thanks so so very much to those of you reading this, and extra special thanks to the ones who are reviewing to let me know how you feel. It means so much. :)

I finished writing this story today and it feels good to have it done and know where these characters ended up. Now I can start writing one of three ideas I've had, but I'm still undecided on which of the three, so I'm asking your opinion. Here are your choices (a very vague description of each):

1) A vampire story that becomes a Kendall/James/Logan triangle

2) A story where James is sent to prison and shares a cell with Logan but is in love with Kendall on the outside (also will become a triangle)

3) James and Logan are high school teachers/friends and Kendall shows up as the new coach. That one will also be a triangle (are you seeing a pattern here?)

So if you wouldn't mind, please take a moment to let me know which of those speak to you. Thanks again!

* * *

"I'm sorry, but I'm running out of time. Let me get this out so you know why we can't be together."

Logan nodded against James' soft shirt, taking comfort while it was here. "Sorry. Go on."

"Don't be sorry for loving me. It's all I've ever wanted."

Logan now knew that to be true. It made him feel better that though they'd only been together for a short time, he'd managed to do that for James. "Then I'm not sorry."

"Good."

"So you slept with her. Just once?"

"She woke me up a few times during the night, wanting more. I figured it was her only shot, so I gave in. I was careless the last time, though, because I was half-asleep and she was her usual aggressive self, so by the time I really woke up and realized what was happening, we were halfway through it. And I'd not grabbed a condom."

"Oh." Logan blinked in surprise, understanding immediately what that meant. "Are you telling me that was...you guys never...?"

"That was it, Logan. Just that one night. When I eventually asked her to marry me, or...decided to, anyway...I was trying to do the right thing. Had we gotten married I'm sure there would've been more nights, but...we never got that far."

"Oh. Okay." It was wrong that relief was sweeping through him, right? Horrible that he was glad it hadn't happened. "What happened the next morning?"

"Her brother walked in on us. Flipped out, as you can imagine. Threatened my life and started to run for his gun, which...wow, he had a gun? She was screaming at him to get out, that it wasn't his business, so instead of going for the gun, he threatened to do the worst. He said he was going to tell their uncle."

A snort escaped Logan, because he was positive this was Carlos and could see it so clearly. "Did you laugh in his face?"

"No, I was terrified he was going to shoot me. Plus, she didn't know that her uncle had arranged it. I couldn't tell her because it might...cheapen it, you know? Hurt her feelings. So he ran off and I finally relaxed, knowing his uncle would handle the problem. I suggested we get dressed, though, and once we'd done that she kissed me and thanked me. Said she knew she wasn't what I was looking for in life, but if I ever needed a friend or got too lonely, that she'd be there for me. Whatever I needed. And said it had been the best night of her life."

"I would imagine so."

"Why?" James smirked.

"Because I know what it feels like to spend a night with you. Or...a few hours, anyway."

"It was totally different with her. You know that, right?"

"I do," Logan nodded. "You were just doing a nice thing with her."

"Exactly. There was nothing nice about what I did with you."

"I don't know about that. There were some nice moments."

James smiled and pecked Logan's forehead with his lips. "That last time was nice, wasn't it? I know you were trying to hurry for my sake but I didn't want it to end."

"Neither did I. We need to stop talking about this."

"Right. Okay, where was I? So he comes back in and he's still got this wary look on his face, like he doesn't trust me, but at least he didn't have his gun. He gave me the up-and-down and said, 'I know you.' I realized then that I knew him, too. The nephew I met on the first day."

"The burger stealer," Logan grinned.

"That's what I said. 'I know you, too. You ate half my burger.' He was like 'You're the moron who wouldn't eat what was put in front of you. You're lucky I left you anything at all.' I don't know what it was about him, but I liked him immediately. He was kind of haughty and full of himself, yet he had this gleam in his eye, like he was ready to laugh at any second. Kind of like her when she was with me. They weren't identical twins, obviously, but they had the same eyes. That's probably why I liked him so much."

James had probably seen in those eyes what Kendall had the first time they'd spoken—a hint of challenge that was softened by kindness. "I'm surprised you didn't fall for him. Or...did you?"

"No. We were never like that. I found out later that he was into dudes, but we never felt anything more than friendship toward each other. It would've been weird, anyway, considering what happened later."

"His sister having your baby."

"Yeah. Things went back to normal after that. I'd meet up with her every day like we had before, and she never tried to kiss me again. I asked why once, not because I wanted her to but because I was curious. I wondered if maybe I hadn't done such a great job. She said she knew I wasn't in love with her and didn't want to lose what we had. That outside of her brother, I was her only real friend. I was relieved, because she was my only real friend, too."

"Did you spend time with the brother?"

"Not then. It was exactly like it had been before. I worked my job every night, she did whatever she was told and painted when she could escape to the room. She was extremely talented. My favorite thing she painted was a dolphin jumping up out of the water. I don't know how she did it or who trained her, but she had a knack for making animals so lifelike. She ended up giving it to me for my birthday and I took it back and hung it in my little apartment."

Logan's mouth went dry. He knew where that painting was now; they'd seen it every day through a computer screen, hardly paying attention to it because their focus was always on the house's two inhabitants. "I bet it was beautiful," he said now.

James moved on. "A few months later, she started complaining of nausea. Her uncle actually came to me and asked me to keep an eye on her because he was worried about her. Said she was having trouble keeping food down and was showing signs of fatigue. I asked if he'd taken her to a doctor and he said he didn't trust anyone and was trying to avoid that. When it didn't go away after a week, I begged him to take her somewhere but instead, he hired a doctor to live at the estate. Said he should've thought of it a long time ago, that it was the best way to keep things private. He cut a deal with some young doctor fresh out of med school that appreciated the dollar signs and next thing you know, my boss is coming in to tell me she's pregnant. I'd never seen him look so scared."

"There hadn't been anyone else she was with since you?" Logan knew the answer, remembered from the picture he'd seen that Emily had James' eyes.

"That's what he asked me. He figured she would've told me or her brother if that was the case. I said no and struggled with telling him the truth, because he'd made sure to warn me to protect myself. I was terrified. He looked at me and said, 'You did use protection, didn't you?' I could've lied and said yes, said maybe she was that one percent of the population that got pregnant anyway. But I'd learned from before that it was best to be straight with him. So I told him the truth, that there was one time I was half-asleep and she woke me up and I wasn't thinking clearly until we were...almost done, so to speak. I took the blame because technically it _was_ my fault, being the more experienced one."

"Are you sure?" Logan wondered. "There's no way she trapped you on purpose?"

"Funny you ask that, because he asked me the same thing. He said it might be something she'd do, thinking it would get her away from the 'prison.' I know better, though, and I know she'd worry about the opposite—that it would trap her into staying. Because that's exactly what happened once she was told she was pregnant. He arranged to talk to her in that room, brought her brother in, too. He didn't know what to expect from her. She was definitely not happy with the news."

"She thought it would keep her from living a normal life?"

"Yep. She was distraught, saying that she'd already had so little hope of escape and now she had nothing at all. It took an hour for me and her brother to calm her down, she was hysterical. And for much of her pregnancy, her brother never left her side. We were afraid she'd either kill herself or try to get rid of the baby and hurt herself that way."

Logan sighed, imagining what she must've been feeling. "Can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

"How did _you_ feel about it?"

"Me?"

"Yeah. It was your baby, too. You had to have _some_ feelings about it."

"At first I was scared," James admitted. "I didn't know what they were gonna do. I was positive my boss would want to get rid of the baby, but his religion forbids that. Her brother wouldn't let her for the same reason. They never asked me what I wanted to do."

"What _did_ you want to do?"

"It wasn't like I could raise the baby on my own, Logan. I had nothing. I mean, I'd managed to save up a lot of money over the years but not nearly enough to take care of a child."

"You still haven't answered my question."

"You know what I don't get?"

"What?"

"That you met me fucking last night, less than twenty-four hours ago, but you're asking that question, and the reason you're asking is because you already know the answer. So go ahead, show-off. Tell me how I felt about it."

Though it was obvious James didn't like that someone could read him so well, Logan replied, "You were scared at first, worried that it would upset your arrangement and job. Once it was clear they weren't going to fire you or have you executed, you were worried about her. Knew it would change your relationship with her and feared she would hate you and blame you for ruining her life."

"Spot on so far."

"And then once she didn't, once she got over her own fear and depression and you knew she was going to be okay, you started to get excited."

"Why, Logan?"

"Because here was finally your very own human that would love you and need you and make you feel special no matter what. Someone who couldn't leave you and would have to pay attention to you."

Hot tears rained down onto Logan's scalp. "I hate you."

"I know."

It was awhile before James was capable of more speech. In the meantime Logan wiped his tears away and offered him more lemonade, which he accepted as if he hadn't had a drink in years. "Thanks," he finally uttered.

"You're welcome. Still hate me?"

"Still not judging me?"

"Not judging you."

"Then I forgive you."

He tried to fight it but when Logan smiled up at him, his lips tugged up against his will. "So you had a baby."

"We had a baby," James sighed. "She and her uncle fought every step of the way, because she never really wanted it. He was terrified she would escape somehow and find someone to give her an abortion, so her brother was assigned to keep an eye on her. I was worried they'd try to give the baby up for adoption so I sat her uncle down and we had a long talk. That was exactly what he'd been planning to do, because he didn't want to put a baby in danger. I've skated over a lot of the details regarding the drug business, and that's on purpose. You don't need to know that. Just know that he was constantly worrying about the safety of his family, and he had every reason to worry."

"Like you do now, with Carlos."

Though James' jaw clenched, he nodded. "We talked it over and came to an agreement. He didn't really want to give up what would in effect be his grandchild, and I didn't want to give up my baby. She didn't want to keep it, but what she did want was freedom. A normal life. Escape. So we worked out a new life for both of us. He moved us to a new town, we changed our names, and her brother came with us as protection."

"She was okay with that? Even though she'd still have to raise the baby?"

"She was out of that house. That's all she cared about. He paid for everything, took care of every detail. I gave up the escort job, found a real one instead, and her brother lived with us until the baby was born."

"What job did you do?" Logan asked curiously.

"Janitor work mostly. It was at a concert hall and I was allowed to watch all the concerts for free. I even took lessons from some of the local performers that played there regularly."

"Piano?" The idea delighted Logan.

"Piano," he chuckled. "I'm still not that great."

"God, I wish I could see you play."

"I don't play anymore. I haven't since..."

Logan thought he knew when that had stopped. "So you had a baby," he said again.

"We did," he smiled, and it was that same soft smile he wore anytime he talked about his daughter. "We named her Emily Rose. Emily after their mother, and Rose after my mom. Roses have always had significant meaning to me."

Logan thought of the one currently sitting in a cup in the kitchen and his eyes watered. "That's a beautiful name."

"We thought so. Once Emily was born, her mother got over the wish to get rid of her. We both fell in love with her the second we looked into her eyes."

"Which are an exact copy of yours."

"And my mother's," James nodded. "We still weren't in love, and knew we probably never would be, but we thought we could make a pretty damn good family anyway."

Hoping he wasn't pushing it, Logan asked quietly, "Do you have more pictures of her?"

He thought after a minute that James was just going to pretend he hadn't heard the question. Finally he reached into his pocket for the phone, pressing a button so the adorable toddler in her Easter hat came to life on the screen. After punching in a set of numbers that Logan decided was most likely Emily's birthdate, James tapped a few icons on the screen until his photo gallery loaded. He leaned away, Logan understanding that he didn't want to share all of the contents, and chose a folder he'd set up and titled "My Heart." The screen was filled with tiny thumbnail images of the child with the gorgeous hazel eyes, James scrolling so that they started with what was clearly the day of her birth. By the time they were ten pictures in and the first containing James holding the baby appeared, Logan was fighting tears; James had lost that battle on picture number three.

Now Logan knew what James had been staring at on his phone a few days before. What was it he'd said to Carlos?

 _I miss her._

Three little words that were so inadequate to describe the anguish James must feel every time he thought of her. Which, knowing James, was ninety-nine percent of the time.

How many of those thoughts were filled with blame and self-loathing?

Logan said nothing as James scrolled through the pictures one by one, though he did laugh occasionally at silly moments that had been forever caught in time. James would sometimes offer an explanation or commentary, and Logan loved the way his voice changed when he spoke of her. Sometimes it was warm and gentle, other times full of humor and affection. What Logan eventually caught on to, though, was that not one of the photos contained her mother.

"Are there no pictures of her with her mother, or did you set this up that way?"

James froze. "That was my choice."

"Why can't you look at her?"

James closed the gallery so that the pictures disappeared, a final image of Emily riding on her father's shoulders forever burned into his brain. Her smile had matched his in size, eyes squinted in happiness. "We're almost out of time. I need to finish."

After a nod, Logan snuggled up against James and squeezed his torso. "Thank you for sharing that with me. She's perfect. And it's obvious that you were the king of her universe."

James' lips clamped together in an attempt to keep from shaking right off his face. Logan soothed him with soft kisses until he could speak. "She was the queen of mine."

"How did it get to you wanting to propose? Were you just trying to do the right thing?"

"Sort of, I guess. Things were good. We didn't argue too often, but of course when we did, it was explosive. She had a temper and paired with that flair for drama, most disagreements turned into screaming matches. Actually, that's not accurate. I didn't yell much. I usually don't fight that way. When I'm mad, my voice gets quieter. I act more calm than what I'm feeling. It drove her insane, because a lot of times she wanted me to yell. She wanted me to lose control and I...don't. I never lose control."

"You do with me," Logan pointed out, again with a hint of pride.

"I do with you," James agreed. "I wonder what we'd be like as a couple. What would our fights be like. Do you yell?"

"Not usually. Sometimes I do. I yelled at Kendall pretty good today, and that's probably the first time I've done that since...I honestly don't even remember."

"Steve, you mean?"

 _Shit._ "Yeah. Sorry, habit."

James let it slide. "So what would our fights be like? Would I yell with you, since I have no control over my emotions?"

"Maybe. Maybe we'd both yell a lot and slam doors and kick walls before one of us storms out."

"That would be me. I'd be the one storming out."

"I'd be the one so angry I want to strangle you, and then two minutes after you walk out the door I'd be wishing you'd come back so I could apologize."

"I'd make it about five minutes. Maybe ten. Long enough for me to get to the corner store and realize I was being an idiot and that I didn't mean anything I said. Ten minutes after that I'd walk back into the house with flowers and beg you to forgive me because I can't live without you."

Their gazes met, both of them realizing it was a life they'd never get to live. "Sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama," Logan murmured.

"Doesn't it? We're better off this way."

Logan nodded, wishing desperately that he could look forward to experiencing that drama.

"Would you forgive me, though?" James needed to know.

"Every time. I couldn't live without you, either."

James' mouth had almost claimed Logan's when sanity returned; he held James away and said, "Finish. You have to go soon."

"Right. Um. So...we fought here and there. She was bored, wanted to do more with her life. Her uncle insisted that she stay home most of the time. He was constantly worried his enemies would find her and take her out. He never came to see us, because he feared he'd be followed, but he kept in touch as much as he could. He loved her so much."

"Wouldn't Carlos have led them to her by then, though?" When James stared at him in suspicion, Logan shrugged. Best to play this cool. "Come on, I'm not an idiot. It's obvious by now that it's Carlos and his sister you're talking about. Carlos is Emily's uncle, right?"

Genuine terror bloomed in James' gaze. "I don't want you to know specifics. I need you to stay away and not come near us in the future. Do you understand that? It's for your own good."

"I understand," Logan replied. "I don't like it, but I understand and will respect your wishes."

"They killed her, Logan. They found her and they killed her."

Logan nodded. "I figured."

"I can't take that chance. Not with you. Please. Stay away."

"I promise."

A kiss sealed the deal, James finally relaxing enough to continue. "Carlos accidentally let it spill during a phone call that their uncle arranged for me to sleep with her that night. He thought she knew, and when she realized it had been him telling me to do it, she blew up. Said I'd treated her like nothing more than one of my clients and I'd lied to her. I did lie, I admitted that, and explained that I'd been trying to help and that by the time we got to the act, I wanted to do it. She didn't believe me. It was the worst fight we'd ever had, and she kicked me out. Told me to go back to her uncle since it was obvious he was my puppetmaster. She'd convinced herself I never wanted the baby, never wanted to live with her, that he was paying me to do all of it. Nothing I said made a difference. She threw me out, told me she never wanted to see me again, and refused to let me say goodbye to Emily. I called Carlos and told him to get his ass to the apartment so he could watch over her. Then I called Luis, who had a car sent for me and we talked it out. He promised she would cool down and things would be okay. I told him I wanted to prove to her that it _was_ my choice to be there, that I did want to be part of that family, that I had every intention of sticking it out with her and helping her raise Emily. It hit me then that if that was the case, I might as well marry her. It wouldn't change our daily lives but it would prove to her that I was committed to the family. I went out that afternoon and bought a ring, with her uncle's blessing and my own money, and when I got back to the apartment, she wasn't there. Emily was sound asleep in her princess bed. Carlos had fallen asleep on the floor next to her. When I asked where she had gone, he said she was in the kitchen making dinner." James paused.

"But she wasn't."

"No. After a minute of complete panic, I knew where she'd gone. There was one place she would take Emily to when she needed to think or just get away for a little bit. I knew her favorite spot and I took off, told Carlos to stay with Emily. And I ran down to the park."

There was another pause, this one heavy enough that Logan didn't prompt him. He knew what was coming, and when James picked up the story, he was back to that monotone.

"We found out later from one of our undercover guys in their organization that they'd found out where we were the night before. They'd been waiting for an opportunity to get her since that morning. They hadn't recognized her leaving the building because she was at least smart enough to cover her hair and wear shades until she was at the park. They knew I was with her, though, and when they saw me leave the apartment...they followed."

Still leaning against James' chest, Logan snaked a hand down until he could clasp one of James'.

"She was standing by this little stream. I ran to her and kneeled, whipped out the ring before she could say anything. She saw it, she knew what it meant, and she...I watched her eyes light up again, like they had that night when I went to her room. For one split second she was happy, and I knew she was gonna say yes. Then..."

"Don't. I don't need to know the details."

But James needed to speak them. "There was no sound. Her face changed and I didn't know what happened, I just saw the happiness turn to confusion. She fell to her knees and I caught her, and that's when I saw the blood. They got her right in the heart. Somebody called 9-1-1 but she was already unconscious and by the time they arrived, it was over. Just like that. I led them right to her."

The dam broke again, this time to leave James a grieving, sobbing mess. Logan rocked him and held him, offering only his presence and his love, and when Carlos appeared in the doorway he lifted a hand in a "back off" gesture. After taking in the situation, Carlos nodded and quietly closed the door.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be this hard."

"Please don't be sorry for feeling, James. It's what makes you human."

"I'd rather be a machine," he choked out.

"So would I," Logan agreed, wiping away a few stray tears of his own. "What happened to Emily?"

"We uh..." After three attempts at clearing his throat, James said, "We sent her away. One of my boss' men met with an adoption agency and paid them to take her. Refused to give any information about her, no name and no family history. We didn't want anyone to be able to track her down."

"Not even you," Logan realized.

"Not even me."

"Did you at least get to say goodbye?"

James nodded, barely able to speak. "I made it a condition that she always wear the necklace I put on her before she left. The ring..."

Logan understood. She would have the ring with her in the form of a necklace. It was all James would allow her to keep of her parents. "Does he know where she went? Your boss?"

"No. Nobody does. They never even knew her name or where she came from. I couldn't take the chance, Logan. They would've gone after her, too."

It was still a struggle for him to get the words out. Logan continued to hold him. "How did you end up here?"

"We moved back to the house. I'd given up my apartment, so he gave me a room in the basement. I went to work the way I had in the old days, and Carlos continued his training to take over one day."

"How long ago was that, James? How old was Emily?"

"She'd just turned three. We uh...we had a little party for her. Us and Uncle Carlos."

"What got you here?"

"Details I can't get into. There was enough happening all at once that my boss got scared. He had me trained to fight because he was worried they'd come after Carlos next. And they will. The truth is we're in hiding here. That's why I couldn't allow him to talk to anyone. That's why I tried to leave last night. Anyone could be the enemy, Logan. Anyone."

Logan knew that better than James. Guilt settled over him so that he could barely breathe.

"And that's why I can't get close to anyone again."

"I'm not in danger of being taken out by one of your uncle's enemies."

"But I am. And that means I can't let anyone get near me. I won't put you in danger. Please tell me you understand."

"I understand. Can I say one more thing before you go?"

"Are you going to tell me it isn't my fault? Because I've heard that a million times and I still don't believe it."

"No. I can't convince you of that, you have to do it on your own. I can tell you something else, though, that's just as important."

Though James looked skeptical, he waited patiently.

"I love you."

Bright hazel eyes disappeared between lashes still coated with tears.

"That's all, James. I just wanted you to know that I love you. I need you. If the choice was mine, I wouldn't leave you."

A pink tongue peeked out before the lashes parted. "I wish the choice was yours."

"So do I. And James? I'm sorry you miss her. I'm sorry you had to say goodbye. For what it's worth, I'm sure she misses you every day."

"She doesn't even remember me by now. It's been over a year."

"Trust me, James. She remembers."

"I hope she does, but I also hope she doesn't. I want her to have a chance at a normal, happy life. The kind of life her mom always wanted. At least I could give her that much."

"You gave her the world." Logan moved off the swing to kneel in front of James. "You gave her all of yourself. That's the best gift you could've given to her."

"She was my everything. I just...I hope she's happy. I hope she found a family that will love her and treat her with kindness."

"I'm sure she did." Logan pulled James down for a kiss. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me the same gift. All of yourself. Thank you for trusting me with that."

"I love you," James replied. "Just like with Emily, I have to walk away, but that won't change. Years from now I'll be thinking of you and hoping you found the same thing. Someone to love you and treat you with kindness."

Logan stood up and dragged James off the swing and into a hug. "I already did."


	20. Chapter 20

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This chapter takes us back to Kendall and Carlos. Those who reviewed, thanks SO MUCH for letting me know how you feel about James' background. A lot of planning went into that so I'm really glad it turned out okay.

Also, thanks for giving me a vote on my next story idea. I laughed so hard when I read them because you all chose a different one. My wonderful friend and beta voted for the teachers idea, as did EpicallyObsessed, so I'm letting them be the tie-breakers haha. And anabellex2, you will get your wish in that story; while I normally don't go near Kogan if I can help it, that story will definitely include that pairing in some form. So thanks for your opinions, guys!

For now, more of this. :)

* * *

It was actually seven minutes before Carlos spoke again, because that's exactly how long it took him to polish off his plate. Kendall had risen once to refill Carlos' lemonade, but otherwise no words were spoken until Carlos was ready for dessert.

"There's still ice cream left, right? From last night?"

Setting down a half-eaten corn dog, Kendall raised an eyebrow as if politely asking a question.

"The cookies and cream. From last night. Did you guys eat it all?"

Kendall only shrugged in a helpless manner.

"Dude, what the hell? It's not a hard question."

Kendall pointed to his mouth and shook his head, Carlos' gaze narrowing when he finally got it. "Don't be like that." When Kendall made a motion across his lips as if zipping them, a teasing glint in his eyes, Carlos fought a smile. "You're an asshole."

"Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk."

"Shut up." By now Carlos had lost the battle, his mouth turned up in amusement. "Is there more ice cream or not?"

"Can I talk now?"

"Can you stop being a shit for five minutes?"

"Oh, look who's talking."

"Not you, and that's the problem."

"That was your rule," Kendall reminded him.

Carlos sat back in the chair. "If you promise you won't try to seduce me, we can talk."

About to argue that he hadn't done that, Kendall stopped himself because they both knew it was lie; he'd tried to less than ten minutes earlier. Honesty might be the way to go here. "Fine. I won't try to seduce you."

"Swear?"

Though Kendall hesitated, thinking it wouldn't be a horrible thing for Carlos to know he was still desired, he eventually nodded. "Swear. No matter how badly I want to."

"Thank you. So. Ice cream?"

"Help me clean this up and we'll go see."

Carlos offered no argument. Together they gathered up the plates, tossing what little was left of the food into a plastic container to store it in the refrigerator. The dishes were piled in the sink rather than washed, because where Kendall really wanted to be was somewhere cozy with Carlos; resistance would be more difficult there.

"Want some pie this time?" Kendall asked, reaching into the refrigerator again.

"Is there still chocolate left?"

"Tons."

"Can I have both?"

"You can have anything you want, Carlos."

Carlos threw out a suspicious glare. "Are you trying to seduce me again?"

"Considering that's so heavy on your mind, are you sure _I'm_ the one you need to worry about?"

"Oh, not a doubt," Carlos chuckled. "You don't even try and it happens."

"Well, I'm not trying now, so...can it happen?"

"Right. But I'm the one with it on my mind."

After setting both pie tins on the counter, Kendall spun to rest his hands against Carlos' sides. He felt the sharp intake of breath. "I'll say it now and then forever hold my peace, okay?"

"Please don't—"

"I do want you. More than I've ever wanted anyone in my life. What we shared today...I've never felt anything like that." He blinked as he realized the words were true. Before Carlos could interrupt, he pushed on. "The invitation is always open. I want you to remember that. Today, tomorrow, next week, next year...if you want me, I'm here. Night or day. I'm here. But even if that never happens, please consider me a friend and know that I will respect you and be nothing more if that's what you need. Anything you want from me, Carlos. I'm here."

Carlos' brown eyes were big, staring up at Kendall in something like wonder. His sides were moving along with the rapid rise and fall of his chest. He wanted to speak but didn't allow himself to.

Kendall slowly bent to place his lips against Carlos', feeling Carlos melt under them. It was brief, Kendall knowing better than to push him, but it held the promise of everything he was keeping inside. "That will be the last time I kiss you. Next move is yours."

When he pulled back, Carlos' eyes stayed closed for a long time. He swallowed hard before opening them. "Thank you." His voice was a whisper. "For not pushing me. I wish things could be different."

"Me, too. If they ever can be..."

"I know." Carlos swallowed again before having to turn away from the direct gaze. "So. Pie?"

"And ice cream."

"Still a perfect date. I mean, not that we're dating, I just mean—"

"I know," Kendall laughed. "You want chocolate with cookies and cream, right?"

"Yeah."

"I think I'll have vanilla. The bowls are right behind you, can you grab them?"

"Sure."

Carlos also got down two small plates for pie, then went searching for an ice cream scooper and was victorious. "I got this. You handle the pie."

"Deal."

Five minutes later they were seated across from each other at the table again, Kendall disappointed when Carlos went there rather than the sofa but not questioning it. He still had a trick up his sleeve. "You know what I keep wondering?"

"Hmm?"

"Remember when Jeff and...James, I guess...tried both lime and chocolate together?"

"Yeah, I bet that's a weird taste."

"Let's try it."

It was lame, but it worked. Kendall got both flavors on his fork before pressing it to Carlos' lips, not missing the quick flash of desire before those lips parted. Carlos liked being fed.

"Well?"

"Mmm. That's actually really good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Weird. Here."

As he'd been hoping, Carlos did the same for him. Kendall's nether regions came alive as he was sliding his lips across the tines of the fork, having no idea why it was such a turn-on but going with it. "That _is_ good."

Carlos studied him, tongue grazing over his lips, before asking, "Ever had vanilla with cookies and cream?"

Kendall swallowed and shook his head, praying Carlos was thinking the same thing and rewarded with a bite from Carlos' spoon. He closed his eyes to savor the tastes, suddenly having to fight the urge to climb over the table and onto Carlos' lap. Since when did food turn him on?

"You like that?" Carlos asked softly. Teasingly. Tantalizingly.

Kendall was breathless. When their gazes met, he saw he wasn't alone. "Carlos...if you keep this up, I'm going to have to drag you to my room."

"You promised to behave," Carlos pointed out.

"You're not playing fair."

"I have to know I can trust you."

"Wait." Kendall's lashes fluttered as he blinked. "This is a test? You're _testing_ me right now?"

"Well, we both know you're gonna be wanting me every second. Sometimes I might do things on accident that turn you on. I need to know you'll still keep your word."

"Nothing about this is an accident. You know exactly what you're doing to me."

"Can I trust you?"

Kendall didn't answer right away, torn between desire and annoyance. He was being toyed with? Played?

 _And loving every second of it_ , his mind whispered. His body was raging with need.

"I might have to...leave the room occasionally," Kendall admitted. "If...I mean, are you saying you'd be willing to spend more time with me if I can control myself?"

Though Carlos seemed to think that over, in the end he shook his head. "I can't. You might have self-control, but I don't. I'd be here every chance I could. And if ice cream has us this hot, there's no way we wouldn't end up in bed."

"That's because it's all we know," Kendall reasoned. "Our entire relationship so far has been built on attraction. Do you still deny that you wanted me from the moment we met?"

Carlos bit his lip and looked away. "No."

"It's really all we have. But I meant what I said in the kitchen. If it's a friend you need, I can be that, too. We haven't really talked. If we can't touch, let's do that. Please." When Carlos hesitated, Kendall reached across the table to squeeze his hand. "You're not the only one who needs a friend."

"You've got Jeff."

"Jeff's leaving tomorrow. I have no one."

"Don't guilt-trip me."

"I'm not, Carlos. I'm just speaking the truth. I know you have James, but if he was everything you need, you wouldn't have come over last night."

"Last night was a mistake. All of this was."

"You can't undo it. Talk to me. I will behave. Just...be a friend."

Carlos was already shaking his head, pulling his hand away.

"If you can't do that," Kendall sighed, "we still have about forty-five minutes to kill. I'm assuming James wants us in the same room."

Carlos nodded, not meeting his eyes.

"Then let's talk. If this is all the time I have left with you, let me enjoy it. Tell me about yourself."

"You know I can't."

"Something. Anything. Tell me about your childhood. Tell me about your first date. Just...Carlos, please. You already know I'm falling in love with you. I've accepted that you don't love me back, but give me forty-five minutes with the real you."

"That's my point, you don't know the real me. You can't love me if you don't even know me."

"I love what you've shown me so far. Show me more."

"There's not a lot I can share. What about you? Tell me about _your_ first date."

"Mine?" Well, they'd known this would happen eventually, that Kendall would have to open up and use the false background they'd created. "Will you do the same?"

Though Carlos clearly didn't want to, he nodded. "You first."

"Okay. Uhh..." Kendall dug into his half-melted ice cream in order to give himself time to think. Hadn't Carlos said something about things being more believable with some of the truth mixed in? He supposed in this instance the truth couldn't hurt him. "My first date was with a girl."

"Yeah?" Carlos reached across the table to scoop up some lime, settling in for the story.

"Yeah. Tenth grade. I was a late bloomer when it comes to that sort of thing."

"Seriously? You're so hot, how did you fight them off?"

"The truth is I didn't notice a lot of that. I had a buddy who used to tell me girls were into me and I thought he was full of crap."

"Because you were shy?"

"No, it was mostly because I was too into everything else. I played a lot of sports."

"You?" Carlos grinned. "Here I pictured you as the bookworm type."

"I did read here and there." That was a lie, as Kendall hadn't picked up a book unless forced to. "But I was more of a jock, I guess you'd say. Too busy to think of girls and romance."

"What woke you up?"

"A girl in my Spanish class asked me to a dance. I really didn't want to go, but when I told my mom about it later she begged me to give the girl a chance. I'd told the girl I wasn't interested so I used that as an excuse to say no. Mom kept on me, though."

"So you took a Spanish class?" Carlos' eyes were dancing at the notion. "Let me hear you say something."

"I remember nothing."

"You must remember _something."_

"Nope. Nothing. Can we move on?"

"Come on, everyone remembers _something."_

"Nothing," Kendall repeated.

"Dude. You're lying. Just one thing you remember."

Kendall _was_ lying. He remembered two things, actually. How to tell someone his name, and...

"Te amo," he said softly and with feeling. Carlos hadn't been expecting that, his breath catching while he sat motionless in the chair. "That's what I remember," Kendall added.

"You would," Carlos tried to joke, but it was forced. "So what happened with the girl?"

"The next day I told her if she was still interested, I'd go with her. She was, so we went."

"And?"

Kendall swallowed the last bite of ice cream in his bowl. "And what?"

"Did you score?"

"It was one date, Carlos," he chuckled. "I hated the dancing. We never went out again."

"Did you at least kiss her?"

"I don't think she wanted me to. She could tell I wasn't into her. I tried to be nice, though."

"You suck as a date, don't you?"

"You tell me. How was ours?"

Carlos shrugged. "Okay, you made your point. I guess you got better over time."

"I did," Kendall laughed. "I think realizing I was into guys made all the difference. Your turn. First date."

"Okay," Carlos sighed. "Let me think. I guess that was...Jeremy."

"Ooo, you even remember his name?"

"He was my first, of course I do."

"So your first date was also your first time in bed?"

"He taught me a lot."

"I can imagine. How old were you?"

"Fifteen? No, I think sixteen. I used to travel a lot for the business. Before we moved here."

"So it was a business arrangement? Or was he just someone you met while you were away?"

"He was the dude I was meeting with. It was my first real test to see if I could make the sale. We met for dinner and he was gorgeous."

"You knew by then you were into guys?"

"I've always been into guys. My sister used to tease me about it, because sometimes we'd have business partners over for dinner and she'd catch me drooling over these dudes."

"Your sister," Kendall smiled. "She sounds fun."

Though a shadow passed over Carlos' face, he continued on. "So Jeremy was my contact and we had dinner together, then he suggested we go somewhere more private to make the final arrangements on the deal. I wasn't sure he was talking about sex, but I hoped so. At least a kiss, you know?"

"And he was?"

"Well, we went to his hotel room and we did discuss the deal. My uncle was really proud of me when I told him about all of that. But he never heard about the rest of the night."

Kendall smirked. "I can imagine. Did your sister?"

"Not right away. We told each other everything, though, we were super close. So eventually, yeah. Jeremy was nice about it, knew it was my first time and treated me right. It didn't mean anything. For all I know, he did that with a lot of clients. I was nothing special."

Kendall was beginning to understand the picture. "So that was your first date? Was there ever an actual date with someone or were they all just...business deals?"

"The business deals were separate."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I never really had time to date. No time for romance in the business world. There were hook-ups here and there, I went all over the world. Spent a lot of time in South America, and there are some hot dudes down that way. And there were a few guys I'd hook up with regularly in town. As far as a date, though...not really any of those."

"So...last night, then. Was that...I mean, was I your first official date?" Kendall smiled, liking the thought of that.

"Don't go getting a big head over this."

"I'm not, I just...really?" Kendall's voice softened. "Was I your first real date, Carlos?"

Carlos' cheeks heated up. "I guess if you really want to call it that, yeah. You were the first to ask me out like that. Set something up without business being involved."

"Because with me it was never about the business." Kendall almost choked when it hit him what a lie that was. It had _everything_ to do with the business.

"Nope, it was just because you couldn't resist me. I mean...dude, you even brought me flowers. You don't know how much a simple gesture like that meant to me."

"I could see it," Kendall admitted, not liking the shameful feelings that were trying to surface. "I was glad I ran back in for them."

"It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

Warring with the sudden need to kiss Carlos was guilt, heavy and suffocating in the pit of Kendall's stomach. He stared at Carlos across the table, that need so plain in his eyes that Carlos had to look away. "Hasn't it been an hour yet?" he groaned, whipping out his phone. "Damn, thirty minutes. I'd better warn James."

Carlos began to type on the screen, Kendall using the time to gather their bowls and plates and escape to the kitchen. He needed space.

And to shut his brain off. He was here to do a job, and he was getting it done nicely so far. Logan might be fine with screwing that up, but Kendall wasn't.

He also wasn't prepared for Carlos to waltz into the kitchen and lift himself up onto the counter. It reminded Kendall too much of Logan's fantasies of romance. Rather than look at Carlos, he turned on the faucet and picked up a sponge. Might as well give himself something to do if they were going to be here for a few minutes.

"Tell me about your family."

Kendall almost dropped the plastic bottle of dish soap he'd lifted. "I don't talk about them."

"Because it hurts, I get that. I don't talk about my family, either."

"Then why would you expect me to?"

"I don't. I was just hoping you liked me enough to open up."

Kendall glanced up, right hand stopping its motion on the way to replace the bottle. "I was hoping the same."

After a silent battle of wills, Carlos said, "I was really close to my mom. Don't remember as much about my dad because he was busy all the time, but what I do remember...I think I idolized him. He always smiled around us, like we made him happy. My uncle says we did, that he loved us more than anything. I..."

Carlos trailed off, Kendall knowing what he needed. After shutting off the water, Kendall reached for a dish towel to dry his hands before wrapping one around Carlos', which was resting on his thigh. Though Carlos squeezed and accepted the offer of Kendall's presence, he nodded toward the sink. "It's easier to talk when you're busy and can't look at me."

"Right." Kendall understood that. He returned to the dishes, passing Carlos the towel. "Make yourself useful."

A tiny smile broke in. "Slavedriver." It was enough, though, for Carlos to continue. "I was there when they died. My dad...he died while I was looking into his eyes. They hit Mom first and he couldn't save her. He tried to, crawled over to her while yelling at me to hide. I ran under his desk and they got him, and he laid there holding on to her. I started crying and I was gonna go get help, I knew my uncle was nearby, but he yelled at me to stay where I was and keep hiding until my uncle came. He told me to take care of my sister, that nothing else was more important than that." His voice clouded up the same way his eyes did, Kendall waiting it out and continuing to scrub a plate. "And that was it. A whole bunch of people ran in and my uncle grabbed me. I...didn't want to go. I kept fighting him, I didn't want to leave my parents. I don't remember a lot after that. Not for awhile. I think they sedated me or something, I don't know."

"Where was your sister?"

"She'd been out with my aunt. They went shopping. It was almost Christmas and they went out to pick up presents."

Luis had been married? That wasn't in the file. Where was the wife now?

"I'm glad they were gone. She might've...you know. I mean, she ended up dying anyway but at least I got a lot more years with her first."

A wet hand settled over Carlos' knee. "I'm sorry."

"Don't comfort me. Talk to me."

Though it was difficult, Kendall knew what Carlos wanted. "My sister was five years younger me. Without Dad around, I kind of took on a lot of the manly duties. Or at least I liked to think I did. It was basically my purpose in life to take care of them. Mom did fine on her own, she was such a strong woman. But I liked the idea that I was the man and they were my family to protect, you know?"

Carlos smiled softly while drying a bowl. "I know exactly what you mean. That's how I felt about my sister. My uncle raised us, but in my mind it was always my job to look out for her. Dad gave me that job and I took it seriously."

"Exactly," Kendall chuckled. "We were a happy family even without a dad. My sister was...kind of a little hellion. Not a bad kid or anything, she had a heart of gold. She just liked to push the envelope and she'd get into trouble a lot. Nothing serious, though. It was more like she always wanted to know just how much she could get away with."

"Dude, my sister was like that, too! Some of the stunts she pulled..." Carlos shook his head in amusement. "She was too daring for her own good."

"Yep, that was Katie. I miss her so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. They say it goes away with time, that it gets better, but..."

Carlos nodded in understanding. "They lie. It never gets better. Sometimes I wake up and I could swear she's right there, like she was just talking to me."

"Right? I always tell myself it's some leftover dream fragment."

"Maybe it is," Carlos shrugged. "I like to think her ghost is here haunting me sometimes. Because she would totally do that."

"So would Katie," Kendall laughed. "She'd take pleasure in it."

"What would she think of me?"

The idea of Katie and Carlos in the same room brought about conflicting emotions. What would Katie think of Carlos, a man who lived his life supplying the kind of people who brought her life to an end? "I...honestly don't know. She wouldn't trust you, that's for sure."

"Really? Why not?"

"Because I care so much about you. She'd automatically see you as a threat, as someone who was capable of breaking my heart. And that would make her immediately suspicious. She'd probably sit you down and give you the third degree, want to know your intentions toward me and...oh. Wow. I just realized I'd be the same way with someone wanting to date her. I guess she's not as ridiculous as I make her out to be."

Carlos chuckled quietly. "Yeah, my sister and I were more alike than I ever wanted to admit. She'd like you."

"Would she?"

"Yeah. She'd say you were exactly what I needed in my life. A little romance. She always said I was too serious about the business and needed to live a little."

Kendall nodded. "I can see that. Katie would've liked you eventually. Once she trusted that you weren't going to break my heart."

"How about your mom?"

"Oh, Mom would've loved you on sight."

"Yeah?" A huge grin accompanied the word.

"Totally. Mom would've loved your energy, your spirit. Also the way you aggressively went after me so that I couldn't ignore you if I tried. She always said I was letting the world pass me by and needed someone to help me just relax and enjoy it. I think you'd definitely do that, if we ever really dated."

"I think you'd do the same for me."

"I'd try," Kendall agreed.

"Except it was you who pursued me."

"At first, yes. But you turned me down and then gave me a second chance, and you came after me."

"I wanted you," Carlos admitted. "I knew you were everything I've never allowed myself to have."

"Do you regret it?" Kendall wondered, shutting off the faucet and turning to face Carlos, who kept his focus on the silverware he was drying. "Knowing that we can't ever be more than today, do you regret last night? Or what happened today?"

Carlos met his gaze, allowing the truth of his feelings to surface for a moment. "No. I'll miss it for the rest of my life, and I'll wish things could be different for us, but I'll never regret it. You really are everything I've ever wanted." Before Kendall could open his mouth, he added, "Please don't beg me to change my mind or ask why we can't be together if that's the case. I'm trying to protect you here. And myself."

"How are you protecting yourself?"

"If my head isn't where it needs to be, I get careless. Make stupid mistakes. Today was a mistake, but I'm not beating myself up about it because I can blame James. If he hadn't snuck over here behind my back, I never would've been tempted and could've just...gone on with my life. That's why I'm here now, too, because he insisted on coming over to talk to Jeff. I had no choice."

"So as long as it's James making the decision to be here, you're just an unwilling accomplice."

"Right. It's not my fault. He's the one being an idiot and not thinking straight. I have to be here to protect him now, you know? Because twenty-four hours ago, he would never have been okay with sitting outside this long and with someone he cares about."

"Why exactly is that?"

"It's best you don't know. My point is, our roles have reversed. Now I'm the bodyguard and it's my job to protect us both. And you, because now that you've become part of my life, you're in danger, too."

"Which is why you don't want me to be part of your life."

"Exactly. It's not that I _don't_ want it. It's...that I do."

Kendall nodded slowly, wondering how to get past that barrier. The problem was that Carlos was being rational and logical; he'd expected it of James, but not from the man he was supposed to break down. How had Logan broken down James' defenses?

Remembering something Logan had said, Kendall moved to step between Carlos' legs, letting his hands slide around Carlos' waist. Unprepared for it, Carlos gasped before freezing up, only his shallow breathing proof that while he was praying Kendall would stop, at the same time he wanted Kendall to continue. Carlos' hands came up in a defensive gesture, resting against Kendall's shoulders as if to push him away, but when Kendall dragged his hips closer those hands reflexively clamped down hard.

"We have about fifteen minutes left," Kendall murmured, allowing his lips to run up Carlos' neck. "You want it, I want it, we both know that once you walk out that door today it's goodbye."

"You promised not to do this," Carlos whined, as if his legs weren't wrapping around to bring Kendall closer.

"And I won't. If you tell me to stop right now, I will."

Carlos said nothing.

"Fifteen minutes. We can do so much in fifteen minutes."

"I hate you. I fucking hate that you can do this to me, that you can make me feel like this."

"I still don't hear 'Kendall, please stop.'"

Carlos gasped. "Kendall, please..."

"Yes?" Kendall whispered in Carlos' ear, loving the way he shuddered.

"Please..."

"Tell me what you want."

Carlos didn't use words to say it. Kendall was ready for the kiss when it came, awake and alive as only Carlos had ever made him. He carried Carlos to the bedroom, letting the kiss continue to speak for them, and once there Carlos showed Kendall exactly what he wanted.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Not a lot to say about this chapter, so...let's just get into it. Thanks as always to those reading and reviewing, I hope you guys know how much I love reading your thoughts. And because I don't say it enough, thanks to my fantastic beta for looking everything over before I post. :)

* * *

Logan and James stepped into the living room hand in hand, finding Carlos and Kendall cuddled up together on the sofa talking quietly with their own hands clasped. There was no hint of judgment from James; the same couldn't be said of Carlos, who glared as he glanced up at them. "Finally ready to go?"

James nodded once, ignoring the tone, and turned to Logan. "Didn't we already do this today?"

"We did," Logan smiled. "This time it's for real."

"We thought it was then, too."

Logan only shrugged before dragging James closer, the two rocking together in an embrace neither wanted to end.

Carlos sighed and stood, pulling Kendall up with him. "Are we that ridiculous?"

"Worse," Kendall winked. "We actually like the romance."

"They do too, they just don't admit it."

Kendall chuckled and leaned down to kiss Carlos, who closed his eyes and absorbed the feeling. "I meant what I said. Day or night, you know where to find me."

"Don't remind me. And...I don't know if it was on purpose, but earlier you told me to call you Kendall."

Had he? Panic flooded Kendall, who couldn't remember doing that.

"I just want you to know it means a lot to me. I know Jeff's the only one allowed to do that, and...the fact that you consider special me enough for that...I don't take it lightly."

Seriously, when had he done that? "You are special enough," he said anyway. It was the worst idea, but maybe Logan had been right; maybe it was better this way to avoid slip-ups. "You can call me Kendall," he whispered.

"Thanks," Carlos grinned. "Kendall."

The word falling from Carlos' lips brought about an immediate smile. He liked the way it sounded, loved the affection behind it. No one had said it with so much feeling since...

Well. Probably since Mom and Katie. Who...shit, he'd mentioned her real name earlier, too. What the hell was he thinking?

"Are they still hugging?" Carlos whispered.

Drawn from his panic, Kendall glanced back over his shoulder. "Yeah. I think they might do that all night if we let them."

"Sadly, we can't." After lifting up onto his toes to kiss Kendall, Carlos reached out to tug on James' sleeve. "Time to go, buddy. Hour's long gone."

James didn't bother with a reply. Instead he stepped back from Logan, who asked, "Remember what you said about the future? No matter where you are or what you're doing, you'll wish..." When James nodded, he finished, "It'll be the same for me."

"Even still? After all of that?"

"I told you nothing would change the way this feels." He kissed James tenderly, James clinging to him like a life preserver until Logan pulled him down enough to whisper into his ear. "I love you."

James answered the declaration with a kiss. "I need to go."

"I know."

"Have a safe flight."

"Thanks."

"I'll miss you."

Logan nodded, knowing James would read in his eyes that he felt the same. "Find that peace."

"I've already found some."

"Find the rest. You deserve it."

James took a breath, then forced himself to turn away. "Carlos, we need to go. Now."

"Like I haven't been saying that for the past fifteen minutes?" He rolled his eyes and allowed Kendall one more kiss. "Goodbye, what could've been."

"Day or night. Don't forget."

"Like I ever could."

With a last wink, Carlos followed James out the door. Kendall stepped outside to watch them go, eyes mostly on Carlos. He was really going to miss that little shit.

* * *

The second they'd disappeared from view, Kendall slammed the front door and faced Logan. "What did he tell you?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me. Carlos said he was crying."

"He didn't tell me anything."

Kendall shook his head, deciding to leave it for later and running down the hallway. "Come on, we need to see this!"

He'd unlocked the office and turned on all the monitors before realizing that Logan wasn't in the room. "Dude! Get in here, they're probably about to fight!"

James didn't seem to be in the mood to fight, though. On the screen, he ignored Carlos' "We need to talk" and continued toward his bedroom.

"Logan, what the hell?" Kendall poked his head out and spied Logan leaning against a wall in the living room, arms crossed over his chest and face devoid of expression. "What's wrong?"

Logan said nothing.

"James is talking about you."

That got his attention. Logan approached slowly, not speaking until he was seated and watching Carlos bang on James' closed bedroom door. "You're lying. He didn't say anything."

"Oh, I must've heard wrong."

Logan's jaw dropped. "You're unbelievable. Do you have no heart at all?"

"Shh, Carlos is saying something."

"You owe me!" Carlos was yelling.

Logan reached around Kendall and pressed a few buttons until James' bedroom came up on another screen. James was sitting on the edge of his bed, hands clasped between his knees as he stared down at his shoes.

"Dammit, James, open this door! I know you said shit to him, I saw you crying!"

James' head shot up. He rose from the bed and swung the door open after unlocking it. "What are you talking about?"

"I went out there to get you when the hour was up. You were crying and he made me leave."

"Logan?"

"Who else? Don't try to act like you didn't tell him anything because you were fucking sobbing and you _never_ cry. Not unless it has to do with Emily. What did you tell him?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me!"

"Don't yell at me!" James shoved Carlos, not hard but enough that he was forced to step back. "It's none of your business!"

"Bullshit, everything is my business! Just like you always tell me. I swear to God, if you told him anything about the business, I'll—"

"I didn't."

"Then what did you talk about for a fucking hour?"

James looked away, hands diving into his pockets and shoulders hunching before he replied, "My mom."

That stopped Carlos cold. "Your mom?"

"My mom," James confirmed. "About...all the stuff that happened before I met you. Before I came to your uncle."

After letting the words sink in, Carlos stated, "You don't even talk to me about your mom."

James shook his head, then turned away. "I don't talk to anyone about her."

"But you did with him. A guy you just met last night."

Having no answer for that because it made as little sense to him as it did Carlos, James only shrugged.

"Jesus, James. I knew you'd lost your head over the guy, but this...is that what he meant about finding peace? Do you somehow blame yourself for your mom's death the way you do Cristina's?"

"No, that was not my fault. But the way I treated her before she died...that was all me. And that's something I can't ever go back and change."

Carlos let out a breath, all of his anger dying away with it. "Man...you need to stop blaming yourself for everything."

"They were my actions, Carlos. No one else's."

"I know, but...it's just like with Cristina. You can't change what happened."

"I live with that every day."

"You need to learn to move on."

"How can _you_ move on? She was your sister. Your twin."

"They were twins?" Kendall whispered. Logan said nothing, gaze fixed to the screen.

"And I miss her every fucking day of my life," Carlos agreed. "You think I don't live with that same hell? You think I don't know that if I hadn't fucked up on the phone that day and told her about the arrangement, that she wouldn't have taken off to the park and she'd still be alive?"

"Arrangement..." Kendall glanced over at Logan. "Do you know what he's talking about?"

"No clue," Logan replied.

"Carlos, that's not your fault. You thought she knew."

"And her getting shot isn't your fault."

"It is, I left her alone even though—"

"She kicked you out, bro. From what she told me, you didn't have a choice. She said she started beating on you until she had you out the door."

James looked down at his feet.

"Is it my fault?" Carlos suddenly asked.

"No."

"Then it's not yours either. It's just...the business. The life. And I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of being afraid to go outside. Tired of having to hide in this stupid town with stupid neighbors who give me flowers and ice cream and look at me like they actually care and would marry me if given the chance."

Carlos choked up on the last sentence, Logan turning to look at Kendall, whose face had paled.

"I know, Carlos, but that's how Cristina felt, too. And look what happened. She got away from the prison, and look what happened. I can't let that happen to you."

"Then stop losing your head over some dude that's only passing through before moving on to find the man he's meant to be with. I know that hurts, but you have to let him go."

"I did. I said goodbye and I meant it. I just...needed to talk it all out first. A lot of buried feelings about my mom, okay?"

"So he was basically your psychiatrist?"

James rolled his eyes. "He was so much more than that. I don't expect you to understand."

"Because I've never been in love? I've never had a real relationship?"

"No, Carlos, I didn't mean that."

"What did you mean then?"

"Just that your relationship with Steve is different. I don't get that any more than you get mine. But I respect that your feelings for him are real, and I know how hard it was for you to sit in a room with him for an hour and pretend not to care. So thank you for that."

"Yeah, well...I'm no saint. I caved."

James couldn't hold back a smile. "Don't beat yourself up about it. He's nice to look at."

Both Logan and Kendall were surprised by the comment. "He thinks I'm hot?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "He didn't say hot, Kendall, don't get excited."

Carlos chuckled. "He is that. But more than that, he's...deeper than I imagined. We have a lot in common, believe it or not. Did you find out anything about Jeff?"

"Like what?"

"Just more about his life? His background?"

James shook his head. "I don't want to know."

"Why not?"

"Because it would just make me fall more in love with him and then I might not walk away at all. It's better I know nothing about him."

"Maybe you'd like him less if you knew everything."

"No way. I barely know anything now and I'd get down on one knee if given the chance."

Logan's breath caught. "Oh my god."

Kendall grinned and patted Logan on the back. "Nice work, partner."

"Maybe you're right," Carlos nodded. "Steve said he's leaving tomorrow."

"He is. And that's the best thing that could possibly happen for all of us."

"Yeah, I suppose it is." Carlos lifted a hand to squeeze James' shoulder. "I'm sorry, though. I know how much you care about him. And I'm glad you finally talked to someone about your mom. I know that was eating you up."

James only nodded.

"I think I need a nap."

"I could use some time to myself," James agreed. "I'll start dinner in a few hours."

"Thanks. I know we're both gonna be kind of down tonight, so how about I rent us a comedy?"

James' smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but he said, "That sounds great. Thanks, bro."

Without another word, Carlos closed the door. James sank to the bed and rested his head in his hands, tears silently streaming down his cheeks.

Kendall sat back in his chair to watch Carlos close himself in his room, not looking at Logan until his target had kicked off his shoes and reclined on the bed. "Dude, are you...what's wrong?"

Tears were streaming down Logan's cheeks, as well. He continued to watch James, the need to comfort him plain in his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me he said stuff about his mom?"

"It has nothing to do with the case."

"Bullshit. Everything does."

"Not his guilt over the way he treated his mother before she died." Logan wiped his eyes and stood from the chair, then pulled out his phone.

"Who are you calling?"

"The director. I'm done."

"Not this again. Come on, dude, we're getting closer every—"

"Sorry, Kendall. I can't do this. I'm too close to the target. I'm not objective. And honestly, I can't even look at him anymore without wanting to tell him everything, so...it's time to go."

"Logan, hang on, just—"

"I'm sorry."

He stepped out of the room with the phone to his ear, Kendall in shock but only for a moment. It was long enough for Logan to lock himself in the bathroom, though, and make the call he needed to make while Kendall stood outside the door.

"Motherfucking...dammit, Logan, I need you! Don't do this to me! Fuck!"

Kendall's own phone buzzed at his hip; he groaned because he knew who it would be and knew he'd have to admit defeat to his boss. "Fuck!" he screamed again, kicking the bathroom door and wishing it was Logan.

Now how was he supposed to continue the mission?

* * *

Not knowing what else to do, Kendall invited Lucy over for dinner; maybe she'd have better luck convincing Logan to change his mind. As it was, Logan had locked himself in the bedroom and refused to come out, even when Kendall asked him to watch the monitors long enough to escape to the bathroom.

"Take the wireless," was Logan's suggestion, as if he knew it was just an excuse to get him out of the room. Knowing Logan, he probably did.

Outside of a phone call to Luis that resulted in nothing more than the news that Javier would be stopping by again that evening, things were status quo in the other house. James stayed in his room scrolling through something on his phone while Carlos talked to his uncle and munched on cheese puffs. They'd never broken out the second bag of cheese puffs, Kendall now realized. It was a small thing, but still a mark of unfinished business between himself and Carlos. He wasn't giving up yet.

Maybe he could use Javier as an excuse to get Logan out of the room. Logan knew James didn't trust Javier, and they both knew that he probably had reason for that. Logan was absolutely too close to James, which Kendall could use to his advantage; if Logan was worried for James' safety, he'd want to watch over them.

Kendall kept that in mind as a back-up plan in case Lucy wasn't able to fix the problem. There was no need to let her in, as usual, and she found Kendall sitting alone in the office with his chin resting on his hand as he stared at Carlos banging around the kitchen in search of who knew what.

"You're sure he's not going anywhere tonight?" Lucy questioned.

"Nah, Javier's coming over again, so he'll be home for the evening."

She made herself comfortable in Logan's chair, kicking back and setting heavy boots on the desk. "What's going on with the nerd?"

"He got too close. Called the director and requested to be pulled off the mission."

Lucy's eyes fell closed on a heavy, disgusted sigh. "Well, it's not like we didn't see this coming. Wait, why wasn't I informed? I'm supposed to be told about any major changes within the mission."

"I asked the director to hold off on taking any action because I'm still hoping to change Logan's mind. He's already got another tech specialist lined up in case I can't, but...for now, we're keeping the same plan."

"Let me guess. You want me here because nothing you say is getting through to the lovesick genius and now he's refusing to even speak to you."

"He's speaking to me," Kendall shrugged. "Just...only through his bedroom door."

"Ah, young love. Makes us all so stupid."

"Is that why you have no heart?"

"Duh. What kind of agent would I be if I went around with hearts in my eyes every time I tailed a hot suspect?"

"Logan was fine when James was just a hot guy we were watching. Then he got directly involved and fell in love and...look at him now. Completely lost his head over this guy."

"He's not in love," Lucy stated firmly.

"Oh, he's so far gone."

"He met the guy last night. There's no way anyone could fall in love that fast. It's infatuation."

"You think so?" Kendall mused.

"Think about it. To really love someone, you have to know them inside and out. Their habits, their motivations, you have to know the way they think and be able to predict their actions. If you still want them after all that?" Lucy waved a hand. "It's your funeral."

Kendall let that sink in before saying quietly, "Logan does know all that. It's why I used him. He knows James, knew exactly how to approach him and read him so well that the guy we thought was impossible to break down risked his own safety to get over here today. Spent an hour crying on the porch over his dead mother."

Lucy's lips twisted. "He cried in front of someone else? Like...real crying?"

"Carlos said he was sobbing while Logan held him."

"Wow. Who knew our little nerd had that in him? We should send him in against all our toughest targets. Maybe it's because he seems like he's not a threat that he gets past the barrier so easily."

"Maybe," Kendall nodded. "He's pissed at me, says I'm heartless and that I don't care about anything but the mission."

"Again, duh."

"Right? He might have a point, that he was never cut out for this type of work."

"He needs to get out of it, then."

"Not that easy. He's kind of stuck in it."

"Nobody's stuck."

"Trust me, Stone. He's stuck."

"Well...better for the Bureau, then."

"Right, but not if he isn't willing to do his job. So...work your magic. Talk to him. Get him to see the greater mission here."

"You think he's gonna listen to me?"

"I think he'll at least hear you out, because you're not part of the problem in his eyes. You're not directly hurting James or Carlos with lies."

Lucy thought that over. "You gonna bribe me with tacos?"

"I was thinking pizza."

She immediately dismissed that idea. "Pizza can be delivered. We need something that can't."

"Why?"

"Because I'll need time to talk to Mr. Heart Eyes without you around, so you need an excuse to leave the house. Which also means he has to come out of the room and take over surveillance. And voila, your boy is out here where he can't escape me."

"Oh." It was so simple Kendall felt like an idiot for not thinking of it himself. "Perfect. So...chicken or beef?"

"I'm thinking enchiladas tonight. Extra cheese. Get some more of that guac, that stuff was addicting."

"It _was_ pretty good," Kendall agreed.

"What's happening over at Casa del Lovesick Dealers? Anything I need to know about?"

"Probably nothing until Javier shows up. We can use that to keep Logan out here, he worries about them because he knows James doesn't trust the guy. Right now James is just wallowing while Carlos eats his way through the sadness. He misses me." The thought brought a smile to Kendall's face.

"This makes you happy?" Lucy asked with a raised brow.

"Well...I mean...it means I'm effectively doing my job, right? Making him care and want to be with me. That's half the battle."

"Whatever gets you through the day, Knight. Ooo, do they have horchata?"

"What's that?"

"Trust me, they will. Bring me back some of that. I'll probably need it after listening to Mitchell whine about how he can't stand to lie to the love of his life anymore. God, you people are pathetic."

"Hey, don't group me in with that. I'm fully aware of my responsibility to the mission and to the betterment of the world in general."

"Yet you get a disgusting little smile on your face when you talk about Garcia missing you."

"It's not like that."

"Horchata. The H is silent, don't go in there asking for a whorechata and...actually, do that. And film it so I can watch them all make fun of you."

Kendall rolled his eyes, standing from his chair and ignoring the subject change. "Just cheese?"

"Throw some beef in there, too. Don't forget the chips and guac!" she called out as he turned left to approach Logan's bedroom.

There was no answer to the first knock; perhaps Logan had fallen asleep. Kendall tried the knob and found it locked. With a frustrated sigh, he knocked again, louder this time.

"Will you just take the wireless with you?" Logan yelled.

"I need you. I got Lucy to come over and cover for you, but I had to bribe her with tacos. Can you come out and watch until she gets here?"

"You can't just go after she shows up?"

"No, she insisted I go now, you know her and her stomach. You okay with the same thing I got you the other night?"

When it was quiet for a full minute, Kendall was about to start yelling; he was losing patience fast. Before he could get started, the knob jiggled and the door opened to reveal a puffy-faced Logan who had obviously been crying and was clearly in pain. The sight did what none of Logan's words had been able to to do—it made Kendall feel bad for his new friend. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Just...that you're hurting."

"I don't want to talk about it. Just hurry back."

"So tacos are okay? You want chips and salsa this time?"

"I'm not hungry, Kendall."

"You're eating dinner. I'll be back."

"Whatever."

Logan was two steps into the office before he noticed Lucy and put the dots together, realizing he'd been suckered into this. "You son of a...Kendall!"

The door to the garage slammed as Kendall rushed out, Logan rubbing a hand over his face. He was about to turn around when Lucy's voice stopped him.

"Don't even think about it. You're gonna sit here and listen to me."

"I'm going back to my room."

"You're going to sit down. What's it gonna take, ten minutes? Fifteen? He'll be back before you know it, unless they heckle him for the whore thing because he's totally gonna screw that up. Man, I wish I could see that."

Logan's brows drew together, having no idea what she was talking about and then deciding he didn't care. "Nothing you say is going to change my mind. I'm leaving in the morning."

"That's fine, they've already got someone lined up to take your place."

It was like a punch to Logan's gut, the idea of someone else sitting in his chair watching James' every move. Watching James shower, sleep, do...other things. "That's...good. It's necessary."

"Don't act like it isn't killing you to think of someone else taking your place."

"I _want_ someone else to take my place, Lucy. That's why I'm leaving. Someone else will do a better job. Someone else won't care about him the way I do."

"You sure about that? What's it been, like three days? Four? You're already head over heels. How long did it take you to start drooling? An hour? You think anyone else is going to be any different?"

"Excuse me?" Without meaning to, Logan stepped further into the room.

"The guy's hot. Anyone in his right mind would want to hop that train."

"Not a straight guy. And I made sure to tell the director that's what my replacement needs to be."

Lucy actually laughed. "You think they're going to mess with a formula that works?"

"What are you talking about?"

"In less than twenty-four hours, you broke this dude. You got through the armor and into the heart of someone so well hidden that the Bureau couldn't even figure out his name. If the director's smart, and I know he is, he's gonna replace you with someone who can continue what you started. Because we all know the bodyguard is the key to keeping Garcia interested. I'd guess your replacement will look a lot like you and act a lot like you. The difference will be inside, because he won't have the weakness you do. He won't have the heart. But he sure will play it up for James and pretend to care, because that's what we do here."

Logan was shaking his head. "There's no way to explain another guy showing up when I leave. He'll have to stay hidden in this room like I was supposed to."

"Of course there's a way," Lucy smirked. "What better way for Steve to get over Carlos than to take another lover?"

Logan stared hard at her, his cheeks paling as he swallowed hard. "That would negate the idea that Kendall loves him. Too soon to move on. He told Carlos his door is always open."

"Right, so he uses the new guy to make Carlos jealous. It's genius. It _would_ work, wouldn't it?"

When Logan thought about what he knew of Carlos, he could see it. Kendall taking a new lover would very much fan the flames of jealousy, so much that no matter how much Carlos had encouraged Kendall to move on, he'd probably march over here and scream at Kendall for doing just that. And then Kendall would "cave" and go back to Carlos, while the new guy...

"And then there's this poor new guy, caught in the middle and hurt because he gets dumped by Steve, and James has to be here since he can't leave Carlos alone. Who's there to console the new guy, who also can't leave because he's here on a mission?"

"Fuck you," Logan bit out. "I know what you're doing. It's not going to work."

"You think I'm trying to get you to stay? I won't lie about that, it's better for the mission if you do. But the bottom line is that everything I just said is true. If you do leave, that's exactly how it will play out, because it's our only option. I get that your feelings got in the way. I get that now it's hard to look at him and see a bad guy. But Logan...whether you stay or go, this mission is going to continue."

"I know that." Logan sank into Kendall's chair, misery running through his next words. "I can't stand to see it happen. He's had a lot of tragedy in his life and no matter what I do, he's going to suffer more." Tears sprang to the surface. "Don't make me sit here and watch that. Because I can't."

Surprising him, Lucy laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Look at him right now."

"No."

"Tell me what he's doing."

After using his fingers to wipe away tears, Logan focused on the monitor showing James' bedroom. James was no longer crying, though his eyes were just as red as Logan's. "He's looking at his phone, you don't need me to tell you that."

"What's he looking at, Logan?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?"

"Because you do. You don't have to tell me, but you know exactly what he's looking at. Because you know _him._ I'm not gonna lie, he's going to suffer just like you said. Eventually he'll go down with Garcia and spend the rest of his time thinking back over his life and the mistakes he made. He'll also think back over the good parts of his life. We both know you fall into that category."

"What's your point? Make it so I can get out of here."

"Stay. Give him more good things to remember. Give him memories to get him through all the misery he's going to face."

"Not good enough. I don't want to be part of the machine that takes away any hope he might have of living a normal life."

"You know he's never gonna have that."

"You're right, I do know. Doesn't mean I want to see it happen."

Lucy studied Logan closely, mouth twitching around as she considered and tossed away arguments before accepting that he wasn't going to be swayed. "Fine. I give up. At least sit out here with us and eat tacos and...don't give up your last opportunity to be part of his life. Even if it's through a screen. Give yourself that much before you walk away from him forever."

Logan bit his lip, eyes on the perfect soul he'd lost his heart to in an incredibly short amount of time. In his room, James pocketed the phone and reached for a tissue to scrub over his face one more time before standing and stretching, mind most likely on what he was going to fix Carlos for dinner. "I do love to watch him cook," Logan admitted softly.

"Then by all means, watch the man cook. Let yourself enjoy it before the chance is gone forever. And tomorrow, you can leave here knowing that in your mind, you did the right thing. Even if it isn't what most of the world would agree is the right thing."

"That guilt trip doesn't work on me, Lucy. I don't really give a shit what most of the world thinks."

Without warning Lucy stood and bent to hug Logan awkwardly from behind. "Probably why I like you so much." She kissed his cheek and flounced out of the room mumbling about cheese puffs that she knew were hidden somewhere. Logan took in a deep breath before letting it out, gaze following the only thing he did care about as James pulled a pan out and set it on the stove.

Yes, James was definitely going to suffer in the coming months. Weeks, maybe. The best place Logan could be was far away, somewhere he didn't have to witness it or even think about it.

Still, he knew that no matter where he was, he'd be wanting James again and wishing they could be together, and he knew that James would be wishing for the same.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I wasn't going to upload this until Wednesday, but I'm having one of those nights where I'm feeling the urge, so...here you go. We still have one more chapter after this one before the day is wrapped up, and then we can move on to the next day. Like I said, a lot going on in one day!

As always, thank you for reading if you are and I hope you enjoy this. :)

* * *

Kendall brought in a chair from the dining room for Lucy, and the three of them sat around talking occasionally while mostly keeping their attention on the monitors. One showed Carlos showering, Kendall focused on that as he chewed; on another a meal was being put together, Logan watching James expertly chop vegetables and remembering what he'd said about the woman that taught him to cook. She'd also loved video games, hadn't she? Was James thinking of her now, missing her and wondering if she was still alive? Was James lost in memories of the past and wishing he could see her one more time?

He picked up a tomato, hand freezing as he stared at it with a wistful expression on his face.

" _You can work on those tomatoes when you get back, if you don't mind."_

Logan heard his own voice echo in his mind, wondering if James was hearing the same thing and remembering their cautious dance around each other the night before.

How was that only the night before? It felt like years had passed.

"What time is the other guy coming over?" Lucy asked now.

Kendall supplied, "Carlos said eight."

That broke through Logan's trance. He sat up straighter. "Javier's coming over again?"

"Yeah. Carlos called Luis earlier."

"Wasn't he just there like...the night before last?"

"Must need more product," Kendall shrugged. "Carlos didn't seem surprised by the news."

"No, but it explains why James is on edge."

"What are you talking about?" Kendall frowned. "He's just standing there chopping tomatoes."

"He's been tense since the moment he walked out of his room. I thought it was just...things on his mind, but..."

"You mean you," Kendall guessed. "You thought he was thinking about you."

"Well, after today, it would make sense that he's thinking about me. Aren't you thinking about Carlos?"

"Hard not to when I'm staring at him in the shower."

Logan rolled his eyes. "You would be anyway. You know, you can fool yourself all you want, but you're falling for him."

"He's a target."

"A cute one."

"So? That only makes it easier to pretend I'm in love."

Logan chewed on a tortilla chip while studying Kendall. "I really don't like you when you say things like that."

"Oh, when I do my job?"

"When you make it sound like they don't matter, like their feelings are meaningless to you. I'd hate you if I didn't know that deep down, you like Carlos more than you want to admit."

"Yeah, I like him. So what?"

Logan just rolled his eyes again and bit into a taco. "I can't wait until the time comes that you have to leave and realize you're in love with him. By then it'll be too late and he'll be in custody and you can't stop thinking about him and wishing it didn't have to end that way."

"I'm not in love with him," Kendall argued.

"You're getting there. The fact that Lucy's watching you with that smirk on her face only proves my point. She sees it, too."

Kendall turned a glare on Lucy. "Shut up!"

"I didn't even say anything!" she laughed. "Oh, you are a pair. I'm gonna request to join you two on all future missions. This is so entertaining."

"We won't be working together again," Logan stated. "I made sure to tell the director what a mistake it was."

Though Kendall said nothing, his hurt over the comment was plain in his eyes.

"You don't control that sort of thing, Mitchell," Lucy reminded him. "You go where they send you."

"I made a request. I won't be working in the field from now on. I do my best work behind a desk or in a room with machines."

"That's not true," Kendall murmured.

"Yes, it is."

"It's not. I've never worked with you before, but I can honestly say that without you this mission would've failed. You do your best work with people, just like I do."

"I don't consider tearing lives apart my 'best work.'"

"You're looking at it wrong."

"I'm looking at it as a human being."

"Don't make me out to be a monster. When we first got into this house, you wanted to take them down just as badly as I did."

"Yeah, and then I realized they were actual people."

"Guys."

"You think I don't know that?" Kendall lashed out, voice rising as anger rushed through him.

"Guys."

Kendall continued, "You think I don't understand that Carlos has a heart and that I might break it?"

Logan shook his head. "You understand it, you just don't care."

"It's not my job to care! My job is to—"

"GUYS!"

Both Kendall and Logan jumped at Lucy's yell, attention suddenly on her.

"It's only seven."

After sharing a confused glance with Logan, Kendall prompted, "And?"

"Javier just showed up."

Two pairs of eyes swung to where Lucy was looking. The exterior shot showed Javier stepping out of the same car he'd arrived in before, only this time he had company. A large, burly man appeared outside the passenger door, turning Logan's blood to ice. "Something's wrong."

Kendall was also on alert, words a struggle to get out. "Why isn't James...he's not paying attention. What the fuck, he always pays attention."

"It's my fault, his focus is on me. Dammit James, grab the knife!"

But James only continued to toss vegetables in a pan with olive oil, mind obviously miles away. Carlos was still in the shower, just now shutting off the water. "He can't hear anything in there," Kendall fretted. "I don't like this."

Logan had never felt so helpless. Maybe they were overreacting, though. Maybe... "Did Luis say anything to Carlos about Javier bringing someone else?"

"I couldn't hear his side of the conversation," Kendall reminded him. "Lucy, can you..."

"What do you want _me_ to do? I can't be seen or I risk being recognized when tailing him in the future."

"Fuck," Kendall muttered. "Are we overreacting, Logan? Is this fine?"

"I don't know." Logan was just as on edge as Kendall, hardly breathing.

They'd stopped to talk on the lawn, Javier leaning close to the larger man and conferring about something. Still James had no idea anything was amiss.

"It's probably fine," Kendall said to himself. Surely it was no big deal that Javier brought someone along. The time _was_ off, though...

"Fuck this." Kendall opened the drawer next to his chair and retrieved his piece, clicking off the safety and pocketing it before rushing out of the room.

"Kendall!" Lucy screamed, running after him. "You can't go over there, you're gonna break cover!"

Kendall didn't answer. Instead he flung the front door open and jogged out, forcing himself to slow to a walk across the front lawn. Lucy had no choice but to return to the office, where Logan was watching three separate monitors with unwavering attention and clutching the desk so hard his knuckles were white.

He felt their curious gazes on him as he ambled down the sidewalk, one hand reaching up to brush his hair back as if he was lost in thought. Javier and his friend watched him approach, both moving back to the sidewalk before Kendall made it to the property. He acted as if he hadn't even noticed them before, offering a distracted nod and waltzing right past them and up the walk to knock loudly on Carlos' front door.

Inside the house, James jerked and reached for the long knife he'd been using. Logan let out a breath, relieved that James was on alert again. From the sidewalk, Javier and the other man watched to see what Kendall would do. Logan's gaze followed James into the living room, where he stared out the peephole and let out a frustrated groan.

He wrenched the door open and started, "Steve, look, I know you—"

"I need to see Carlos. _Now."_

"He's made it clear he wants you to—"

Under his breath, Kendall said, "There are men here. Behind me. I need to know Carlos is safe."

James stiffened, finally glancing past Kendall and taking in what he'd missed before. "Shit."

"Do you have this handled or do I need to stay?"

"Go. I need you to go now and protect Logan."

"Not until I know Carlos is safe."

"I've got this handled."

"Where's Carlos?"

"Steve, just—"

James' words dried up, a false smile plastered on his face. The knife disappeared behind his back and he nodded over Kendall's shoulder. "Javier, you're early. Dinner won't be ready for another twenty minutes."

"That's fine, we can wait. I didn't realize we'd have company," Javier said easily, glancing at Kendall.

"Nor did I," James returned, referring to the man with Javier. "Come on in. This is our neighbor."

"Hello," Kendall grinned, shaking each man's hand. "I didn't realize I'd be interrupting anything, just needed to discuss something with Carlos."

"I'll have Carlos get in touch after dinner," James promised. "It's just a bad time right now, Steve."

"What I have to say won't take long," Kendall pressed, suddenly wishing he'd thought to grab the wireless. Having Logan in his ear keeping him informed of any danger would be helpful in this situation.

"I'm sure it can wait," James said through gritted teeth.

"Steve?"

The voice came from behind James, giving Kendall the excuse he needed to push past James and into the house. James' grip on the knife tightened but he stepped back to allow the other two inside as well.

"I'm sorry, this can't wait and it won't take long." Without waiting for Carlos to agree or disagree, Kendall dragged him into the kitchen and hugged him. Carlos smelled like body wash and...oranges? Probably the shampoo. Kendall buried his nose in Carlos' wet hair and inhaled. "Are you okay? Who are these guys?"

"Friends."

"You're lying."

"Colleagues, okay? I can't get into it. Why are you here?"

"I saw them on your lawn and I got scared. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Carlos sighed, finally stretching his arms around Kendall's waist. "I'm fine. You can't be part of this, Kendall. This is why we can't see each other, it's too dangerous for you. I need you to leave right now."

"Not until I know you're safe."

"They're not going to hurt me. I'm more worried about James, because he's alone with them and instead of keeping an eye on him, I'm in here with you. Do you see my problem? Do you see why it's a bad idea for you to be around?"

"I'm sorry," Kendall whispered. "I just...I know you're in some kind of danger and I couldn't ignore it."

"I'm not. I promise you, they're not dangerous. I knew they were coming."

"You did?" Kendall stepped back, searching Carlos' gaze as if for a lie.

"Yes. You have to go. I don't need to be worrying about you. Just go back to your house where it's safe and I swear I'll be okay."

"How will I know?"

Realizing he couldn't get out of it, Carlos closed his eyes and groaned. "I'll go over and tell you when they leave, okay? But I'm not stepping into the house."

"That's fine, just...I need to know you're okay."

"I am." Carlos smiled and lifted up to kiss Kendall softly. "Go home."

"Promise you'll come see me after?"

"Yes. It might be a few hours, though, so don't panic if it isn't right away."

"Can't I just stay? I'd feel so much better if—"

"And James will feel better knowing you're there with Jeff. You go take care of him, and James will take care of me. Deal?"

Though Kendall bit his lip, he nodded. "Okay. I love you."

That halted Carlos, who had been about to steer Kendall toward the hall. "You...what?"

Kendall blinked, thrown himself. "Sorry, it kind of...wow, that wasn't supposed to happen."

"Tell me you didn't just say that."

"I..." Face flushing furiously, Kendall turned away. "I didn't mean to. I'll go now."

Carlos' hand grabbing his kept him from escaping. "As much as I don't want to, I have to pretend I didn't hear that. Okay?"

"Yeah. Sure. We'll pretend it never happened. Bye."

"Kendall—"

"Be careful."

When he left, Javier and his buddy were seated on the sofa, James on high alert as he joked with them; it was enough for Kendall, who wanted only to know that Carlos would be protected.

As he lifted a hand to wave at James, he was grateful for the man because in his current state, he wouldn't be much good to Carlos anyway.

He hadn't been lying to Carlos. He _hadn't_ meant to say the words, not even in the guise of pretend for the sake of the mission. He'd never even thought them before.

So why in the world had he said them out loud?

* * *

His empty chair was waiting, Lucy and Logan listening to every word being spoken.

"We'll talk about what just happened later," Logan commented.

"Nothing happened."

Though he gave Kendall a disbelieving look, he said nothing more and returned his focus to the meeting. Carlos was now sitting in the living room with the others after greeting the new face like an old friend.

"Who is this guy?" Kendall wanted to know.

"They called him Gabe," Lucy answered. "Carlos didn't bother to introduce James and he didn't ask, so Javier must have warned the guy about him ahead of time."

Kendall nodded slowly, noting that James still hadn't relaxed.

"We came a little early hoping to open up our previous conversation, Carlitos," Javier was saying. "You remember that?"

"Oh, the one about my uncle? Yeah, I remember that. Thought you'd need a little muscle to grease my wheels, is that it?" The tone was teasing, but Kendall detected an edge to it; Carlos knew that was exactly why Gabe had been brought along.

"Nah, nothing like that. Gabe's seen some things that made him nervous, so I brought him along to talk that over with you and get your opinion." With that, Javier relaxed back into the sofa, waiting for his friend to take up the conversation.

"Well, see, Carlos, it's not that I don't like your uncle. He's like family to me, you know that."

"Of course. He gave you a home when you had nowhere else to go, when no one would lift a finger to help you."

That derailed Gabe for a second. "You remember that? Or have you just heard the story?"

"I remember," Carlos nodded. "I was a kid, but I saw everything. I know what it was like for you when you first came into the fold. Nobody wanted you there, they didn't trust you."

"Right, well..."

"But my uncle kept saying that he saw good in you, that everyone needed to give you a chance because even though they were all afraid you couldn't be trusted, he knew better and knew you'd do great things for the family. He turned out to be right, too."

Gabe nodded, perhaps mentally casting back over the years. "He uh...he treated me well," the man agreed.

Carlos asked, "So what's your problem with him now?"

"Whoa," Lucy whispered. "This guy's slick. Not nearly as stupid as I pegged him."

"Who, Gabe?" Logan wanted to know.

"No, Carlos! Do you realize what he just did?"

"Shh," Kendall interrupted.

"It's not so much a problem," Gabe was saying, though he seemed a tad uncomfortable with the speech he'd obviously had ready. "Your uncle's still a great guy. He just...his mind isn't on the priorities. He's so paranoid now that he's afraid to take chances, and he's turning down deals that could've been very lucrative. You know how it is in the business, you can't be offending certain partners or they'll ruin you."

"What were his reasons for turning this stuff down?"

"He says he doesn't want to take too many risks right now. After everything that happened with Cristina, God rest her soul, he thinks everyone's out to get you guys."

For the first time, James spoke up. "Do any of you actually know what happened with Cristina?"

From his perch on the arm of James' chair, Carlos nudged him. "They know she was taken out."

Javier tilted his head at James and asked, "Do _you_ know what happened with Cristina?"

Before James could speak, Carlos replied, "He knows what everyone else does—enough to protect me. Yes, Cristina suffered for the family's actions, and we all know it could happen again. None of you are safe. You realize that, don't you?"

"Of course we do, Carlitos," Javier conceded. "We know it's the nature of the business. But when fear gets in the way of the business...there is no business. You get what I'm saying?"

"I do," Carlos answered. "And I'm gonna tell you the truth and beg you not to take my words back to my uncle. I'd rather die than hurt him, you know?"

"Right, we know," Gabe nodded eagerly. "That's how we feel. He's a good man and he's given us the lives we have. No one's saying otherwise. We're grateful to him."

Javier took over. "What is it you don't want us to tell him?"

Carlos seemed to weigh his words, even James glancing up at him curiously rather than keeping an eye on the threats nearby. "I've been thinking about everything you said last time. Wondering if maybe you're right."

Gabe deflated in relief, the idea of upsetting Carlos obviously more of a fear to him than he'd wanted to let on. Javier wasn't as quick to relax, though. "There's no maybe about it, son. We're losing money and it's because Luis is too scared to act. He's now forbidding us from doing business with certain clients because he thinks they might have been involved in the hit on Cristina. He's keeping us away from others because he thinks they might be going after you next. I understand his loyalty, but it's costing us too much. We're losing our edge in the field."

Carlos took in the words, face grave. "I'm not making any commitments right now. I need more time to think. You understand I don't take a decision like this lightly; loyalty is important to me, and my uncle took us in when we had nothing. Just like you, Gabe."

"Yeah, I know. I haven't forgotten that, Carlos."

"So then you know how difficult this is for me. I have to figure out a delicate way to do it."

"Right," Javier agreed. "That's why we came to you, because you're the natural person to take over. You know him best and you know how to convince him to step aside. Gently."

"Exactly. I'm already working on something, but I need you two to keep this to yourselves. I can't take a chance that my uncle finds out, it would kill him. Can I count on you both?"

"Of course." Gabe stood up, James stiffening as he approached but allowing him to rest a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "You know we'd do anything for Luis, and in the end this is the right thing. It's time for you to take on the mantle. He'll understand once you explain it."

"I hope so," Carlos sighed. "I just need a little more time to set it all up and get everything in place. Trust me, I'm as eager to get out of this hellhole as you all are to have me back at the house."

Everyone but James laughed. James instead looked down at his feet, Logan able to tell that his thoughts were heavy and feeling the disappointment from two houses away.

"Why don't we all head into the kitchen and let my boy finish cooking dinner? I think he's doing something fancy with vegetables tonight. We do at least get meat, right?" Carlos teased.

James nodded, replying that there would be strips of steak mixed into the vegetables. Other than to ask about food preferences, though, James spoke not another word throughout the meal or its preparation.

* * *

Most of the evening passed with talk of the past, anecdotes floating around the kitchen bringing Carlos and his men to laughter often. As the stories held little in the way of new information, the agents were able to discuss what they'd heard while keeping half an ear on the conversation.

"He's really gonna do it," Kendall said. "I thought he was against the idea, but he's obviously been thinking it over since Javier's visit."

"And not sharing that with James," Logan pointed out. "James is livid right now. He's barely holding on."

"Are you saying that because he's so quiet?" Lucy wondered. "Because I feel like that guy's always quiet."

"It's more in his movements and his eyes," Logan shared. "He's going to explode once they leave."

"Amazing how you can tell all of that just from the way he cuts up a steak," Lucy mused. "But I stand by my earlier point; this is why you need to stay on the mission."

"Exactly!" Kendall hissed. "You could probably predict his exact words!"

Logan only shook his head; he could imagine the betrayal James must be feeling due to his own loyalty to Luis. The others didn't know about that yet, though, and hopefully never would. "You should probably put your gun somewhere less dangerous now that you're here."

"No way. I want it ready to go until they leave."

"Because you're worried about Carlos," Logan smirked. "The guy you just informed of your true feelings."

"I was playing a part."

"Really? And you thought that was the best time to declare those words? Or let me guess, you only said it hoping he'd let you stay, right? Is that how you're justifying it?"

"I'll say what I have to in order to take down my target."

"Kendall, come on. Just admit that you've fallen for the guy. You ran over there like the hounds of hell were on his heels and you were gonna blow them all away for daring to mess with the man you love."

Lucy crunched a chip while snickering. "Living up to that name again, wasn't he?"

"Oh yeah," Logan smiled. "Definitely a knight move."

"You're both wrong. How am I supposed to complete my mission if something happens to the target before I get what I need? Of course I had to protect him."

"Right, that's all it was." Logan picked up the taco he'd abandoned earlier. "He has James, you know."

"Oh, you mean the guy who was too distracted with memories of fucking you to the mattress to notice the bad guys approaching?"

Though Logan's eyes flashed, his voice was calm when he said, "More reason for me to leave. And for your information, he wasn't the one doing the fucking."

"What?" Lucy gasped, highly amused. "That guy's a bottom? I never would've guessed."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Things we didn't need to know for the mission, Logan."

"I'm just saying, don't think you know him or can predict what he's going to do once I'm gone. You need to be ready for anything, because he won't hesitate to hurt anyone who puts Carlos in danger. He'd die to protect him. Watch your backs."

"Well, I'm hoping my move from earlier gained some respect. He already sort of trusted me with Carlos, now he knows I'm just as concerned for Carlos' safety. Maybe that'll gain me some leeway. We can team up or something next time Javier comes over."

"Yeah, that's not happening. Even if James somehow miraculously agreed to it, Carlos never will. He cares too much to put you in danger or involve you," Logan pointed out.

"I'm already involved, Logan. Besides, he obviously doesn't see these guys as a threat if he's going along with their idea."

Logan balled up the paper wrapper from his taco while thinking that over. "I wonder what's going to happen once Carlos goes back to the main house."

"What do you mean?"

"With James, I mean. I honestly don't think he'll go along with this plan."

"Why wouldn't he?"

"He's too loyal to Luis."

"Not more than Carlos, surely?" Kendall joked while snagging the container of guacamole out of Lucy's hand. When Logan didn't agree, his gaze narrowed. "What more do you know?"

"What?"

"He told you something. What did he say about Luis?"

"Nothing," Logan replied, standing up to gather their trash.

"Bullshit. He talked about more than just the mom, didn't he? Dammit, Logan, don't lie to me!"

Caught, Logan admitted, "Look, he did say that Luis took him in after his mom died. That's how he got involved with the whole thing. I don't know anything past that. His mom died, he had nowhere to go and no money, and Luis gave him that. There's a lot of loyalty there."

Kendall thought that over. "So then why do none of Luis' men know him? Why does he have no identity?"

"That much I couldn't tell you. My point is that when Carlos does overthrow Luis, I don't think James will stick with him. James is more likely to go wherever Luis does and protect him instead."

"Seriously?" Lucy said through a mouth full of chips. "So this could cause a major divide between the two?"

"Absolutely," Logan nodded. "I wasn't kidding about the explosion that's coming. James is going to go ballistic once they leave."

"Well, he'll have to wait, because Carlos' first order of business will be to make sure I know he's safe," Kendall grinned.

"That's what you think," Logan chuckled. "James won't let him even breathe until they have this fight."

"I know my man," Kendall stated.

"And I know mine. Trust me, the fight will happen first."

"Nope, Carlos will insist on reassuring me first."

"You're dreaming."

"Want to make a wager? If I win, you stay on the case."

"Oh, nice try. You know that's not happening."

"You're too scared I'm right to agree to the bet?"

"No, I'm too smart to make a bet that would keep me here under any circumstances. I'm sorry, Kendall, I know you don't want me to go, but for my own sanity I can't stay. Please try to understand that, I need to be able to live with myself. I can't if I continue to play with this man's heart."

Kendall sighed, but shrugged. "I really hoped Stone might be able to talk you into it."

"I tried," Lucy swore. "He knows what's gonna happen if he leaves. Still wasn't enough to keep him here."

"Sorry," Logan said again. "I just...I love him too much."

When Lucy opened her mouth to argue, perhaps to launch into her theory about infatuation, Kendall shook his head at her. He thought that in this case, Lucy might be wrong.

Maybe love _could_ bloom in such a short time, if the circumstances were right.

He hoped so, anyway. The success of his mission depended on it.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

We're finally wrapping up this day in the lives of our agents. Next chapter begins the next day, which is another incredibly long day with A LOT happening. But as Ferris Bueller likes to say, life moves pretty fast. :P

Thanks so much for reading!

* * *

They chased Lucy away once the group stood up from dinner, knowing Carlos (and probably James, as well) would be over soon. With the addition of Gabe to the visit, they thought it possible he and Javier might even take the product to a new location and warned her to be ready to follow.

Both Kendall and Logan were on edge as they watched Javier drive the car into the garage, Kendall commenting that the act did "look suspicious, no matter how they do it. I wouldn't be surprised if Teresa wandered by and Rocket sniffed out the drugs. That dog would probably wake up the entire street in his excitement."

Logan offered an amused sound but nothing more; he was still angry with Kendall, but more than that he was too focused on James, who was as usual stretched taut. "By the way, he slid the knife up his shirt."

"What knife?"

"The one he...oh, you didn't see that. I forgot, you were already off and running to save your damsel in distress. He had a knife when he answered your knock. After letting in all of you, he slid the knife up under his shirt and tucked it into the back of his pants. It's still there."

"Is that why he's been so stiff all night?" Kendall smirked. "Because if he relaxes, it might prick him?"

"I think he'd be stiff anyway. But keep that in mind—even if he isn't wearing the holster, he probably has a knife stashed nearby at all times."

"He didn't when he came over earlier today."

"He knew he didn't need it with me."

"Or me, apparently."

Logan had to concede that, the notion that James trusted Kendall bothersome. It shouldn't be, considering that had been their goal from the start. More proof that Logan needed to leave.

"Logan."

"Hmm?" He didn't look away from the garage.

"Hey."

Finally Logan gave Kendall his attention. "What?"

"Are you sure he didn't tell you anything else about Luis or the business?"

"He talked about his mother."

"That's not an answer."

"I'm telling you the truth."

"Withholding information in a Bureau investigation is a federal crime."

"Don't spout the law to me. I've memorized the entire rulebook."

"Then you know what I mean."

"Kendall. He talked about his mother. He cried over her and the things he didn't say and will never get the chance to because she died. If anyone can understand what he's feeling, it should be you."

Logan knew the words did their job and hit home when Kendall visibly jerked; it was a tiny movement, but it was there. "Point taken."

"Thank you. The car is loaded up and they're saying their goodbyes. Be ready for the fight."

"Nope." Kendall stood up, dropping the gun into its drawer before reaching out to turn off the monitors one by one.

"What are you—"

"Get out of here because they'll be on their way in less than two minutes."

"Kendall, I'm telling you—"

"And I'm telling _you._ Move."

Logan got one last look at James' guarded face before the screen went black. "We're gonna miss the fight."

"Out."

"God, you're so infuriating!"

But Logan followed Kendall into the bathroom, where they touched up their appearances just a little and chugged mouthwash to cover the hint of salsa and onions that remained. Just as Kendall spit, the doorbell chimed. "I win," he grinned.

With a roll of his eyes, Logan headed for the front door. He made sure the office was locked along the way, eyes searching for any hint of Lucy's presence. She'd left a cup of something on the dining room table. After checking to see that it was empty, Logan launched it behind him, Kendall catching it in mid-air and rushing it to the kitchen trash.

Logan opened the door with a smile, eyes immediately locking on James' before he was bodily shoved aside so that Kendall could drag Carlos in. "Thank god, I was so worried." Carlos allowed the tight hug, giving up the fight he'd been about to engage in concerning his earlier promise to not enter the house.

James gave in as well, stepping inside to close the door. Logan couldn't keep from going to him, James returning the embrace and taking strength from it. "I thought we weren't doing this anymore."

"Steve told me what happened. I feel better knowing you're okay." He stood on tiptoe to whisper in James' ear. "Your boss' men?" he asked.

"Yeah," James whispered back. "I can't talk about it."

"That's fine, as long as you're safe."

Carlos was currently being dipped back almost to the floor in a kiss, his arms stretched around Kendall's neck to keep from falling even though Kendall had a firm grip on him. "I'm not staying," Carlos finally gasped, breaking away from the kiss. "Just came to tell you—"

Kendall shut him up with another lip lock, Carlos groaning into it and winding his arms tighter around Kendall. Logan used the distraction to pull James toward the kitchen. "Are you okay?" he asked softly.

"Fine. We're both fine."

"That's not what I mean." Waiting until they'd passed through the door, Logan pressed, "I can tell you're upset. I know you don't want to talk business, and I respect that, but when it upsets you, I have to ask. Are you okay?"

James relaxed slightly, resting his forehead against Logan's. "It amazes me that you know me so well."

"That's called love. You're not okay now, but are you going to be?"

"I don't know," James admitted. "There's...I can't get into it. But Carlos...he really disappointed me tonight."

"Do I need to worry about your safety around him?"

"No, nothing like that. We just have a lot to talk about."

"Okay. I'm here until about ten in the morning. If you need someone..."

"Like I don't need you every second as it is," James chuckled, allowing himself a tender kiss before pulling away. "I appreciate the offer, but this isn't something that can be helped by talking it out with you."

"Okay." Logan braced himself and asked, "Can we talk about the knife I felt when I hugged you out there?"

James froze. "No."

"Promise me you're okay?"

"Yeah. The danger's gone."

"For the moment."

"For the moment," James agreed.

"Steve said there were two men. You don't trust them, do you?"

"Not even a tiny bit."

Logan nodded, then tugged on James' shirt until he was close enough to kiss. "I'm glad you're safe. I love you."

"I love you, too. So much more than I can put into words."

"I wish I could stay."

"It's best you go."

"I know."

"But...I wish you could stay, too."

They shared a soft smile that held a hint of sadness, both leaning in for a light kiss. "Goodbye again, I guess?" James joked.

"How many times are we gonna say it?"

"Funny how it never gets easier."

"Nope."

"James, come on before this guy gets me in bed again!"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," they heard Kendall tease.

James rolled his eyes. "I gotta go."

"I know. Stay safe. Take care of yourself."

"Promise." James' motion halted as he was stepping out of the kitchen, where he spun back to say, "You know...if we had more time. If this was...some sort of fairy tale and I had the normal life I've always wanted..."

"Yeah?" Logan managed, heart in his throat as he wondered if James was going to mention something along the lines of marriage.

"I think it would be different with you. I think I'd enjoy the whole...you know. Flowers and candy and...candlelight dinners. Making love under the moon. That sort of thing. Does that sound stupid?"

After swallowing over a lump that he could hardly speak past, Logan replied, "No. It sounds perfect."

"It's probably best we don't have the time. I might end up as ridiculous as Carlos when it comes to romance."

"What a shame that would be," Logan whispered.

There it was in James' eyes, the thoughts so clear that Logan knew he was three seconds away from launching himself back in for a kiss, one that would have Logan shoved up against the wall so hard he'd probably have the wind knocked out of him. He met the intense gaze with invitation, begging James to make that move.

"James! I know you have shit you need to yell at me about, and if we don't go now, my pants are coming off!"

"Maybe in another lifetime," Logan smiled, not fighting the tears that were determined to get out.

"See you in my dreams," James nodded, Logan's eyes falling closed against the wetness spilling over as he turned away.

This had to be their last goodbye, because God knew he wouldn't survive another.

* * *

As usual, it was Kendall who raced for the office while Logan followed more slowly, a paper towel held to his eyes.

"Okay, now we get that fight you were—are you _crying_ again?"

"Shut the fuck up or I leave this house right now and crash Lucy's hotel."

"Dude, what happened?"

"We said goodbye."

Kendall barely refrained from rolling his eyes and flipped on the switches. They sank into their chairs just in time to catch James closing the door behind Carlos. "Sit," James ordered, pointing to the living room while sliding the knife out from under his shirt. "I'm gonna do the sweep and then we're going to talk."

"You mean you're gonna yell."

"Carlos, I am so not in the mood for your shit right now. If I have to say goodbye to Logan one more time, I'm taking my anger out on you."

Carlos settled back into the cushions of the sofa with a grin on his face.

"Seems pretty proud of himself," Logan murmured. "Is he taking joy in the fact that James is hurting?"

"He's hiding something," Kendall guessed. "I know that smug look. It's definitely pride, but...I wonder if he lifted Gabe's wallet or something."

James made his circuit of the house, checking the doors and windows and studying the street before dipping down to the basement to make sure the stash hadn't been disturbed other than what the men had taken. Once satisfied, he dropped the knife onto the coffee table and sat across from Carlos. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't give me that shit!" James roared, shooting up from the chair. "How long have you been planning this?"

"Planning what, exactly?"

"You know what! After everything your uncle has done for you, for Cristina, for _me._ You're gonna fuck him over like that?! Are you really that power-hungry?" When Carlos offered no defense, James continued. "He sent you here to protect you! He cares more about your life than he does about his money, his drugs, about himself! Who the fuck are you to throw that in his face and plot against him?"

James' chest was heaving, his face red. Carlos' only comment was, "Are you done?"

"No, I'm not done! I'm just getting started! What the fuck am I supposed to do, Carlos? I owe that man my life! He gave me the best three years that I have ever known and even though he didn't mean for it to happen, he allowed me that happiness! He gave me a chance at a normal life! He fed me, clothed me, trained me to protect myself and most importantly, to protect his greatest asset—YOU! How dare you toss that away like it's nothing, like you don't even care about his feelings or his love for you. How dare you turn against him!"

Logan's chest was now heaving as well, but for an entirely different reason. "Oh my god, I'm so in love with this man."

"Shh!" Kendall warned.

" _Now_ are you done?" Carlos asked. "You know what, it doesn't matter, because I've heard enough."

"You haven't even heard half of what I have to say."

"I've heard enough to know that it worked. If I could fool you, there's no way they suspected I was lying." Carlos grinned, doing a little dance on the cushion while James' face changed.

"Lying?"

"Of course! How dare _you_ actually think I'd do that to my uncle? James Diamond, I am so ashamed of you. Except I'm really not, because that just means I was that good. Think I could win an Oscar?"

James slowly sank into the chair again. "Jesus, Carlos. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I had to buy time, James. He brought Gabe this time, he's serious. He knows Gabe was always my favorite and more importantly, my uncle's favorite. His point was that if even Gabe is wanting to change it up, something is definitely wrong. It was kind of a warning wrapped in a reminder. But I was the one who reminded him where he came from and what my uncle did for him. You saw that, right? Gabe started to hesitate when he remembered all the things Luis did for him."

"Yeah, I saw that," James nodded. "I thought you were smart to do that, but then you said you'd already started something and..."

"And you believed it. Because I was convincing." The smugness died away with the seriousness of Carlos' next words. "Time's running out, dude. They're not gonna wait forever for me to make a decision. We have to warn Luis."

"He knows," James stated. "That's why he sent us here, I told you. He wants you away from everything and out of danger."

"I'm still in danger if he's sending these guys over here. They know where I am. James...that bought me a little time, but they're gonna do this with or without me. We have to protect Luis."

"And I told you, he's got it handled. His closest people are aware of what's going on."

"What if his closest people are in on it?"

James had no answer for that.

"I wasn't lying about all of it, you know. I really do have something in the works."

James' head shot up. "What sort of something?"

"I can't tell you."

"What the fuck? You can't tell _me?_ Are you stupid enough to think I'd do anything to go against your uncle?"

"No, but both you and my uncle have drilled one rule into my head. Always act as if we're being watched."

Kendall's gaze locked with Logan's; even if he didn't know, in some way he did.

"What's your point?" James asked.

"I can't speak anything out loud. You have to trust me on this, that I'm working on something. I just can't tell you what."

James let that digest. "I don't like being kept in the dark, especially when it could affect your safety."

"I know. I promise I'm being careful and that whatever happens, you're with me. Just trust me. My goal is to keep him and you both safe."

Finally James nodded. "Fine. But you'd better act fast, because these assholes aren't going to wait much longer."

"I know."

After letting out a breath, James stood and shook his body in a way that loosened it up. "I can't fucking take all these emotions. I'm not used to this shit."

"I'm sure Jeff isn't helping. It's good that he's leaving tomorrow."

"Yeah. I don't want him anywhere near this bullshit. But dude, didn't I warn you about Steve? Didn't I _tell_ you that he'd see them come over and suspect something bad and get right in the middle of it?"

Carlos threw himself back against the cushions and flung an arm over his eyes. "Don't remind me."

"This is why you shouldn't have gone over there all flirty in the first place."

"Yeah well, too late for that now. He was worried." The arm fell away to expose a soft smile. "It's sweet."

"It's dangerous."

"He kept kissing me like he was afraid I was gonna disappear. He was so scared."

"You shouldn't be smiling when you say that. This is bad."

"I know," Carlos sighed. He sat up slowly to confide, "He told me tonight that he loves me."

"Oh. Shit."

"Right? It's like...the worst thing he could've said. But also...the best."

James rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm sorry. I know what that feels like."

"We're so fucked, James. How did we fall in love in less than a day?"

"I have no idea. In my case, it's easy because Logan's leaving. What are _you_ gonna do about it?"

"We agreed to pretend he never said it. He was really embarrassed. I wanted so bad to tell him I feel the same way."

James reached out to pat Carlos' knee. "I'm proud of you for not."

"What if I die tomorrow? What if I die tonight? He'll never know I love him."

The pat became a squeeze. "He knows, buddy. Some things you don't have to say. I think he knows."

Watching the sadness cropping up in Carlos' eyes, Kendall's heart flipped over in his chest. He ignored the gaze coming at him from the right, knowing that Logan was thinking this was what he deserved. He'd been waiting days to hear the words, to know that his mission was proceeding better than expected. This had been his goal.

He'd just never expected that the words would affect him so deeply, and in ways that made no sense.

Carlos loved him. Funny that Carlos had wanted to say the words and kept them inside while Kendall had never even thought the words, but they tumbled out.

"Congratulations," Logan murmured, perhaps taking a bit of satisfaction in the situation as he patted Kendall on the back. "Nice job, partner."

Kendall's middle finger was an answer that only caused Logan to smirk wider.

* * *

Tailing Javier and Gabe resulted in no new information. As it appeared that James and Carlos had no plans other than perhaps a movie before bed, Kendall and Logan sent Lucy to her hotel and spent the next hour staring at the monitor in silence while James cleaned up the mess from dinner and Carlos watched cartoons, though his mind was obviously elsewhere.

Eventually James joined Carlos in the living room, Carlos offering a wan smile before pulling up the movie he'd picked out. A comedy, like before. Thoughts were heavy in both houses tonight.

Logan's phone rang, startling both of them out of the trance, and he stepped out of the room to discuss the following morning's evacuation. When he returned, his expression was glum.

"What time you leaving?" Kendall asked softly, gaze on Carlos picking at popcorn from a large bowl between him and James.

"A car is being sent for me around ten."

"When's the new guy coming?"

"That's not my concern. They didn't brief me. I'm sure you'll hear something tonight."

"Yeah." Kendall kept it to himself that he'd asked the director to give him more time to change Logan's mind.

"I should go pack. Not that I brought a lot with me, but...you know."

"Yeah."

Logan didn't move, though, standing behind Kendall with his eyes following James' every move. "I don't want to look away. All I have is tonight and then I'll never see him again."

"Logan, will you just stay? If for no other reason than to make sure he's okay."

Logan shook his head. "I trust you guys on that."

"Really? Even though you yelled at me that I don't care about them?"

An unamused smirk was Kendall's answer, along with, "You wouldn't let anything ruin your precious mission before you get what you need. They're safe until that happens. At that point you won't need them and they'll be arrested anyway, so..." He shrugged.

"Logan..." Kendall inhaled to let out a sigh. "I just wish you'd stop and think for five seconds. And stop hating me for doing what we came here to do."

"I know," Logan conceded. "Maybe it isn't fair that I'm angry at you. But I can't look at them as targets anymore. They're real people with real feelings and...I'd give anything to take James and run away and hide. That's how I know I need to leave. Please don't hate me for it."

Kendall rested his head on a hand, leaning onto the desk. "I don't hate you."

"Just try to understand why I have to go."

"Try to understand why I can't walk away from this. I finally have a chance to make a difference, to stop people like this from hurting others. It's all I've wanted since I lost my family."

"I know, and I get that. I just...maybe these two aren't as evil as you want to believe they are."

"They're part of the machine. You heard James earlier; if Carlos goes down, Luis will probably give up. It sounds like he's ready to give it all up anyway."

"Unless the other guys steal it from him first."

"Either way, dissension in the ranks weakens the network. We're going to find out where that facility is and kill their main source. Once that happens, everything else will fall apart."

"And where does that leave James and Carlos?"

"You know where, Logan. They're part of the network. They do down."

Logan moved around the chair, sitting on a corner of the desk to study Kendall. "And that doesn't bother you at all? The idea of them rotting in some jail cell for the rest of their lives?" When Kendall looked as if he was about to get angry, Logan laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm just asking. I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm honestly asking. It doesn't bother you?" Kendall looked down, and Logan continued. "I mean, look at him. Look at this man sitting there eating popcorn and laughing over some stupid movie. Imagine him locked up for the rest of his life and tell me that doesn't bother you."

"It doesn't matter either way. It's not up to me. He made his bed."

"What if he didn't? What if he had no choice and grew up in that lifestyle, was groomed from the time he was a child and knew nothing else? Would you still say that?"

"Everyone has a choice, Logan. Some things you just know are wrong. I mean, think about a kid who was raised by a serial killer and trained to kill others because his dad thinks it's right. It's not the kid's fault, he doesn't know any different, but shouldn't he still be punished for the murders?"

Logan had no answer to that and so turned it back around on Kendall. "What if by leaving, he puts his uncle in danger? Or himself?"

Annoyed now, Kendall twisted the chair away from Logan. "None of that matters! He's a criminal and he has to be stopped before he takes any more lives!"

Logan nodded, perhaps sensing that Kendall needed to believe that in order to continue the mission. "I'm gonna go pack. I really don't want to lose a second of the time I have left with James, even from a distance, so I'm fine to take the whole night if you want to sleep when I'm done."

"You have to sleep, dude."

"Nope. I've got plenty of coffee to keep me awake. I can sleep on the plane tomorrow."

"Whatever."

After one last glance at Kendall, who looked as if he was in a living hell, Logan turned away and escaped the room. Best to leave him alone with his thoughts.

And his conscience.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

We are now on to the next day. Yay! You're getting this early for two reasons—one, I needed a little cheering up and reviews always do that for me. So thanks to those of you who review, it helps more than you can imagine. And two, I'll be going on vacation next week and won't be around for 4-5 days, so I guess I want to give a little extra now.

I'd go crazy without having stories to escape to when life gets to be a bit much. Thanks for being a part of this, and if you also post stories, thanks for giving me something fun to get out of my head for awhile. :)

* * *

At about 5 A.M., Kendall entered the office to find Logan snoring softly while draped over the desk, one arm flung out as if he'd been reaching to touch the screen where James slept.

Knowing Logan, he had.

Barely suppressing an eye roll, Kendall nudged Logan gently. There was no response, so he shook a little harder until Logan let out a cry and sat up fast to stare around wildly.

"Just me. Go on in to bed."

"No." Logan rubbed his stubbly face, gaze searching out James again. "Not wasting a second."

"You're doing us no good sitting here asleep. Come on, go to bed."

"I'm awake now," Logan said thickly.

"No, you're not."

"Just need some coffee."

"Logan. Go to bed."

"I can't, Kendall, I'll never see him again, this is all I have left. Please, don't make me—"

"I'll wake you at eight, when he gets up."

Logan bit his lip, considering that and clearly not wanting to give in. "Swear?"

"On my sister's life. I don't care that she's dead, her life meant everything to me."

Seeing the truth in that, Logan finally nodded. "Fine. Just a few hours."

"You're not really missing anything, he's just sleeping."

"That's plenty to me," Logan sighed. He stood up and stretched, Kendall hearing bones creak, then he reached out a finger to run over James' face. "See you in a few hours, beautiful." He sensed what was coming and warned, "Not one word. I know I'm ridiculous; I really don't care."

"Get some sleep," was all Kendall said.

Once alone, Kendall took his usual chair and kicked back, slipping his phone out of a pocket after lifting his feet onto the desk. He used the mouse to go through each feed, making sure everything was in order before returning the two large monitors to Carlos and James. Both were asleep, James currently turning over in a mass of tangled sheets. As always, Carlos seemed to be sleeping like a baby.

Kendall heard the sound of their own bathroom door opening, then waited for Logan to close himself away in the bedroom before relaxing again. He was right, he _was_ ridiculous. It was a job. These were criminals. The second they started to think of them as anything less, the mission was in jeopardy.

As Logan had demonstrated clearly.

It was a shame, really, that Logan was leaving. Even as huge of a risk as he'd become, Kendall thought they could use that. They'd already used James' attraction to him in order to get closer than they'd thought possible in such a short time. Without Logan around, James was absolutely going to have his wits about him again. He'd tighten the reins on Carlos, remember all the reasons why "Steve" was such a bad idea, and Kendall would be lucky to even lay eyes on him in the future. Noting something unfamiliar on James' bedside table, he zoomed in and groaned when he realized it was a knife.

 _I'll never get near him again._

The knife was both comforting and a curse, as at least Kendall knew James would be keeping Carlos safe. But it was also a sign that James was back to taking no chances. No risks.

"Steve" would absolutely be seen as a risk.

"Dammit, Logan, why did you have to fall in love? Why couldn't you remain professional?"

And why wouldn't he listen to reason? Lucy had tried, Kendall had tried, even the director had tried; no one had been able to get through to him. It wasn't fair, they'd gotten so close, and now he was back to square one. Especially once James caught a glimpse of whatever new guy they were sending over. No way was he going to trust someone new, and a replacement for Logan at that.

Of course James wouldn't _know_ he was a replacement. All James would know was that Steve had invited a new man into his home in an attempt to get over Carlos. It could work, Kendall supposed; Carlos would definitely be jealous.

It was still too risky. What if Carlos instead got angry and wanted nothing to do with Steve? What if they were shooting themselves in the foot? Carlos had said he was in love with Steve, but that might backfire and result in him being too hurt to confront the situation. He might even insist on finding another dwelling, one far away from the street where they'd first traded flirty banter and progressed to...whatever they shared now.

 _Love._

Kendall mentally shifted away from the word, not wanting to think about it. Lucy was right, two people couldn't fall in love that quickly. It was infatuation, pure and simple. Carlos was infatuated with him, James was infatuated with Logan...that's all it was.

And yet because James believed it was so much more, he'd lowered his defenses. Allowed Logan in. Even allowed Kendall in, to a degree.

"Dammit, Logan," Kendall muttered again. "I need you. Why won't you listen to anyone?"

James shifted then, a loud sigh coming through the speakers as he attempted to fall back to sleep. It was only then that Kendall realized James had been restless from the moment Logan left the office, and probably for the entire night before that. James couldn't sleep. Probably worried about Javier and those men, worried for Luis, worried for Carlos...

 _Worried for Logan._

That was something to ponder. What was it he'd said the night before?

" _I need you to go now and protect Logan."_

Yes, as much as he cared for Carlos, Logan had been his first priority in that moment. He'd do anything to keep Logan safe, wouldn't he?

Kendall stared at the screen as his mind raced, watching James continue to toss and turn. It took some time, but eventually his lips curved up into a smile when a plan had formed. It was a little risky, but Kendall thought the payoff would be worth it if it worked.

When James gave in to the sleeplessness and opened his eyes to whisper Logan's name in the dark, Kendall knew it _would_ work.

And if it didn't? What did he have to lose?

* * *

"The car's gonna be here any minute."

Seated in the chair that would soon belong to another agent, Logan ignored Kendall's words and continued to watch James rinse dishes from breakfast.

"Logan, really. If it's that hard to walk away, you should just stay."

"I'm going."

"Not if you don't leave this room. Carlos gone yet?"

"Uh..." Logan dragged his gaze away from James long to enough to see that Carlos was sitting on his bed, tying his shoes. "He's almost ready. Lucy in place?"

"Yeah, she knows he always goes to the gym right about now. I'm asking one more time, buddy. Are you sure?"

Though Logan closed his eyes as if in pain, he nodded. "It's best for everyone. James can't protect Carlos properly when I'm around. He worries about me too much."

 _That's what I'm counting on._ Kendall smirked as the thought ran through his head, then adopted a serious expression when Logan spun to face him and added, "You know it's true."

"I do. You know how I feel about you leaving, but if you feel this strongly about it..." Kendall shrugged and held out a hand. "I wish you the best of luck in everything and thank you for the help you have been in this. It was a pleasure working with you and I'm really sorry to see you go."

Logan looked down. "Are you guilting me now?"

"No." He waited for Logan to meet his gaze again before continuing, "I really am gonna miss you. I think if things had been different, this would've been the beginning of a beautiful partnership."

Logan could see that he was sincere and grasped Kendall's hand to shake. "I think so, too. You're a damn good agent, Knight. You're going to save a lot of lives."

"That's all I care about. It's all I'm trying to do here."

"I know."

"You're a damn good agent, too. If it hadn't been James on this mission..."

"But it is." Logan released Kendall's hand, head twisting to the right to take in the beauty he'd committed to memory and hoped to never forget. _James Diamond, I will love you until the day I die._ Kendall hadn't said a word about Carlos' mention of James' last name the night before; had he even noticed?

Well, better for James if he hadn't.

"Sure you don't want to go over and say goodbye?" Kendall offered.

"No. It's too hard on both of us. I'd probably never leave."

"Kind of what I'm hoping," Kendall teased.

That brought about a reluctant smile. "You never give up, do you, Knight?"

"Nope. Makes me a better agent."

Logan nodded slowly. "Makes you a better human. Just...try to remember that they're people, okay? Carlos really is in love with you. Don't throw that away."

Kendall shook his head. "It's not love."

"I'm not going to stand here with you and debate what love is or isn't. Just please be careful with his heart."

The sound of a door slamming dragged their attention to the screen. "Carlos is gone."

"Yep," Kendall nodded. "And look at that, the second the door closes, James is running to look out the window."

"Of course, he needs to make sure Carlos gets out of here safely."

"Please, he's watching for you. Did you tell him what time you were leaving?"

"He knows it's...soon."

As if to prove Kendall's point, James parked himself on a love seat near the front window, where he could watch the street from behind a thin part in the curtain.

"Oh look, Carlos drove away and James is still there. But sure, he's worried about Carlos."

"Shut up," Logan muttered miserably.

"Five bucks says he rushes out there for one last kiss."

"He wouldn't do that," Logan argued. "In his mind, someone might be watching, and it's too dangerous to show affection for me in public. Or that we even know each other."

James' attention was piqued by something he saw out the window. Five seconds later, Logan's phone buzzed at his hip. "My ride's here."

Kendall followed him into the bedroom, where they each picked up a suitcase. "It would look weird if I didn't walk you out, but at the same time I want to give him a chance to stop you."

"He's not gonna stop me," Logan replied in annoyance. "I know him."

"You sure? He barely slept all night, you know. We both know it was because he didn't want you to leave."

"That's no secret, we've said as much. It's not a matter of what we want, but what has to happen. Come on, I need to just do this and get out of here before I chicken out."

"Is that a possibility?" Kendall mused.

"Stop it."

Unable to resist, Logan set his suitcase on the floor outside the office and went in for one more look. His finger trailed over James' face, which was still turned toward the window and glued to the car outside. "He's making sure I leave safely," Logan murmured. "God, I love him."

Kendall kept his mouth shut while waiting it out, and after one more soft whisper of "I love you," Logan dropped his hand away and spun toward the door. "Tell Lucy to be nice to you."

"I think that would probably do more good coming from you than me."

"I'll text her," Logan chuckled. Suitcase in hand, he approached the front door and turned back to take in the house where his deepest dreams and fantasies had come true. "Take care yourself, okay? Going over there last night made you a target."

"I'm not worried about me."

"You should be."

"Don't be a stranger. If you ever need a status update on the man of your dreams, I'd be happy to send you pictures."

Logan shook his head immediately. "I'll never move on then." He stepped out the door and asked, "Coming?"

"Nope." After passing over the second suitcase, Kendall explained, "I'm going to give him the chance to run after you and make a romantic plea for you to stay."

"Not happening. See ya, Kendall."

"Take care."

Logan felt those intense hazel eyes burning into him with every step, fighting hard to keep from looking over. The driver stepped out after popping the trunk, both he and Logan securing the luggage before the man returned to his place behind the wheel. Logan didn't move right away, finally staring down the street at the window where he knew James to be. It was a bit of a distance and the angle wasn't the best, but he knew James would see him. "I love you," he mouthed slowly, then braced himself and moved around to the back seat of the car. As he'd predicted, there was no movement from the other house, not a hint that James might be about to rush out and beg Logan to stay. They both knew this was for the best.

He saw Kendall nod once from the porch and raised a hand in farewell. As the car made a u-turn to drive back the way it had come, Logan glanced to his left and was rewarded with what he'd hoped to see in James' window. The man he'd fallen for was staring back out, his face seen clearly for once, and his lips moved to mouth the same words when their eyes met.

"I love you."

That was all it took to break Logan, who dissolved into tears in the back of a Bureau-owned car.

* * *

Kendall waited until the car reached Teresa's corner house, then headed back inside to the office.

 _Showtime._

Taking a seat behind the desk, he watched James continue to do nothing more than sit on the sofa with his head in his hands, his aura radiating waves of sadness mixed with hopelessness. It was exactly what Kendall needed.

He whipped out his phone and called Lucy. "I need your help."

"Following Garcia right now."

"I know, but we know where he's going. He's fine. I need you to stall Logan."

"Did he leave already?"

"Just now, and time is short. I need for you to slow him down on the way to the air field. Let him get there, but under no circumstances is he to actually get on the plane. Got it?"

"I sense manipulation on the horizon. I'm in."

"Thank you."

"How long do I need to keep him grounded?"

"If I can pull this off, he won't be getting on the plane at all, and it'll be his choice. Just get to the air field and keep him there, I don't know care how."

"Leave it to me."

Kendall hung up and strutted to the hall mirror. Jeans and a simple t-shirt worked, but he needed to look more... _concerned._ Was that even possible physically? He ran a hand through his hair a few times as if he'd been doing it repeatedly for hours. Was there anything else he could really do?

No, the rest he'd have to act his way through. He bit his lip, wondering if he really could pull this off, because James was smart. James might see through him.

Then again, James wasn't thinking clearly. James was a hollow shell right now and looking for any straw to grasp.

Or so Kendall hoped.

He cleared his throat and took one more look, then braced himself for what could be an ugly scene full of yelling and threats. This was his last chance, though, and he was willing to do what it took to keep Logan on the mission.

Two minutes later found him on James' doorstep with a harried expression on his face. One hand ran through blond strands while the other knocked loudly. He could practically feel James approaching the door suspiciously. After a muttered curse, it opened.

"Dammit, Steve, this isn't the time. Carlos isn't even here."

"I need to talk to you." Voice filled with worry, he continued, "Please, James, we don't have much time, Logan's already on the way to the plane."

That gave James pause. "Is he okay?"

"I don't know, and that's what I'm worried about."

There was an intense inner struggle before James stepped back. "Come in." Once Kendall had moved inside, he added, "Living room and don't move from there."

"Fine, whatever. Just listen to me, time's running out."

"What's going on?" James shut the door and locked it, then followed Kendall to the sofa, where Kendall sank down and ran a hand through his hair yet again.

"I'm worried about Logan."

"Worried how?"

"I just can't stop thinking, you know?"

"About what?"

"Look, I don't know the whole story, but between what Logan told me and what Carlos has, it's enough to know that anyone associated with you guys might be in danger. Am I right?"

Standing before Kendall and staring down with arms crossed over his chest, James tensed up. "What all did Logan tell you?"

"Honestly not much. I feel like he kept a lot from me, but that's not even the point. Am I right that we might be in danger just from talking to you?"

Though he hesitated, James finally nodded. "Yes. Which is why it's best that Logan's gone, why he needed to leave. The further away from us he is, the safer he is."

"Are you sure about that?" Kendall glanced up, a thumb going to his mouth so he could gnaw on it nervously.

"Positive. Being around me puts him in danger."

"What kind of danger?"

"You don't need specifics. Just know that it's danger."

"And that's my point. We have no idea what we're facing. I saw those dudes last night, and I don't care what Carlos says, those weren't friends."

"They were business associates of his."

"Still, I got a bad feeling from them. But that doesn't matter, what's important here is that they saw me. They know I know you guys, they know I'm involved enough to come over and talk to Carlos."

James swallowed; Kendall could see he was connecting dots. "What's your point?"

"That we're _already_ in danger." When James said nothing, Kendall stood up and continued. "The problem is we don't know what kind of danger or what we need to look out for. You guys do."

"They haven't seen Logan. Nobody knows he's associated with us."

"But I've been thinking. If this...threat or whatever, if it's as dangerous as you say it is, then that means your enemies must have a massive network. Which means anyone could be the enemy, right? I write books about this stuff, I know how it works. Someone could be watching you guys all the time. Right now, even." The words were doing their job, James' face draining of color. "Carlos and I...we've made it pretty obvious that there's something between us. That slut with the dog knows for sure, and she's a gossip. News spreads fast. You took that rose over to Logan, right? He told me about that."

James swallowed again, terror coming into bright hazel eyes.

"Anyone could've seen that, James. They know about me and Carlos, they know I had a guest and you went over with a rose."

"Which I held behind my back on the doorstep like a fucking idiot," James whispered. More loudly, he asked, "Does the slut know you had a guest? Did anyone see him?"

"She knows. I mentioned it the day he arrived."

"Fuck!" James exploded. "And I'm sure she saw him leave, or _someone_ saw him leave, and..."

"Exactly! Look, I know you think he's safer away from you. That _I'm_ safer away from Carlos. But the truth is, the safest place for us to be is right next to you because only you guys know what to watch out for. Nobody can protect us as well as you can, am I right?"

Again James was struggling.

"I tried to make him stay, tried to get him to see it my way, but all he kept saying was, 'James wants me to leave.'"

That cut through the mental debate. "That's not true, I never _wanted_ him to leave. It's just best that he does because he's not safe here!"

"My point is that _here_ is the safest place for him to be!"

James was breathing hard now, panic at the thought of someone going after Logan causing him to approach hyperventilation.

"He wouldn't listen to me, James. He thinks you don't want him here."

"Logan..." James moaned, as if in agony. "You know better, you know I'd..." He shook his head and breathed out a sigh.

"Am I wrong?" Kendall asked softly. "Would he be safer away from you?"

"Yes," James said firmly, then added, "But also no. You're right, nobody can protect him as well as I can. I mean...at least I think, but..."

"No, James, you're right. Between you and Carlos, he'd be in the best place possible. We both would."

"But doesn't he have a life? Doesn't he have things he needs to get back to?"

"Yeah, but...the truth is if he's not protected, that life means nothing anyway, right?" Kendall watched as James' final argument dissolved, James visibly giving in. "He won't listen to me. I tried all morning. It needs to come from you."

James rubbed both hands over his face as if to clear his brain somehow. "He's already gone."

"You can still catch him."

"Carlos is gone with the car."

Kendall immediately reached into his pocket to dangle a set of keys in front of James. "Take mine."

James' breathing was shallow again; he was almost there. "I don't even know where he went. There's no way I can catch up to him in time, no way I can get past airport security."

"It's a private air field. He knows someone," Kendall added when James looked at him in surprise. "His plane doesn't leave for another hour. Please, James, I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him, if I put his life in danger." He waited a beat before pounding the final nail into the coffin. "Could you?"

The answer was plain on James' face, but it was his sudden exclamation of "Fuck!" that told Kendall he'd succeeded. The keys were yanked out of Kendall's hand, then he was being dragged toward the front door. "Carlos should be home in an hour. I need you to stay with him until I get back."

"Done."

"I'll call him and tell him to go to your house instead." They were flying down the sidewalk now. "Where is he?"

Kendall rattled off the name of the air field. "Look it up on your phone. It's about thirty minutes away. He's probably not even there yet."

"This is insane. This has to be the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life."

After opening the front door, Kendall pushed James through it and toward the garage. "I just want to know he's safe. Please, James, keep him safe."

"Oh, I will. Nobody's getting within—" James halted just inside the garage. "Do you have a knife?"

"A...pardon?"

"Knife. I left mine at the house. Butcher knife will do."

Kendall chuckled and patted James' shoulder. "Get in the car, I'll be right back."

Before he knew it, Kendall was standing in his driveway watching James drive faster than the speed limit toward the corner. He let out a deep breath of relief, more than a little proud of himself.

Perhaps the director had been right. Perhaps Kendall _did_ have a way with people.

He pulled out his phone and called Lucy. "What's the status?"

"I beat him to the airport. Just saw him get out of a car and head inside."

"Perfect. James should get there in time to stop him, but just in case I need you to work your magic."

"James? You got Hot Guy to come down here?"

"Nobody else is going to convince him to stay, Stone. We both know that."

"That's genius. You're a fucking genius, Knight. How the hell did you manage that?"

"I'll tell you about it later. For now, just keep Logan from getting on that plane. And don't let James see you, if possible. We need you to remain a stranger to them."

"You're talking to a seasoned agent here, Kendall. I know how this works. What's happening with Garcia, though?"

"James is going to tell him to come stay with me until they get back."

"Oh, isn't that convenient?"

"That did work out well, didn't it?" Kendall smirked.

"Don't get cocky, Knight. You're still no closer to getting the location of that facility out of them."

"No, but I guarantee that after what I said today, James won't let Logan out of his sight. We'll be spending a lot more time with them in the future."

"Genius," Lucy said again. "I'll make sure that flight is delayed."

"And I'll make sure you get all the guac and horchata you want."

"Hey, you said it right! I'm impressed!"

"Just make this work."

"It's me we're talking about. I never fail."


	25. Chapter 25

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Not a lot to say here except how much I appreciate all of you. :) Thanks for reading!

* * *

Logan couldn't get those hazel eyes out of his mind. The sadness in them followed him all the way to the air field, where he thanked the agent who'd been sent to pick him up and lugged his suitcases inside to wait. The flight would take him back to Virginia, a place he'd always been happy enough to live before.

Then he'd met James, and everything changed. It was as if the earth had tilted on its axis, giving Logan a perspective on life he'd never known before. The job had been enough. Technology had been enough. Fantasy had been enough.

Fantasy couldn't make you feel the way James did, though. Nothing felt like those fingers trailing down his side, that hot breath in his ear, those hands that held his tight while he buried himself deeply in a body that opened to him without hesitation.

Those lips that could kiss him with so much violence but also such sweet tenderness.

 _Stop it. It was a mistake, the whole thing was a mistake, it should never have happened._

James had said he didn't regret it, though. Logan couldn't really, either. If nothing else, James had given him enough memories to fuel his daydreams for the rest of his life. And he knew James had been speaking the truth—wherever James ended up in the world, he'd be missing Logan and wishing they were together. He knew this because he couldn't imagine his own life ending up any other way.

 _I do love you. I don't care that it doesn't make sense. I don't care that it's too soon. I know my heart and I know what this is, and I will love you until the day I die, James Diamond._

 _Diamond. What a perfect surname for you. You're a diamond among lesser stones, shining brightly and trapped with them in a place you can't escape._

Logan was glad no one else knew his last name, praying now that Kendall either hadn't heard it or had forgotten about it. It was doubtful there would be any trail, but Logan decided it couldn't hurt to see what he could find out about a certain Emily Rose Diamond. Maybe he could watch over her from afar, make sure she was taken care of. It was the least he could do for the man who'd breathed new life into him.

"Agent Mitchell?"

He looked up, shocked that so much time had passed. Had he really been sitting here lost in thought for forty-five minutes? "I'm sorry, is it already time to go?" When he started to stand and reach for a suitcase, the man addressing him put out a hand to stop him.

"No, sir, I actually came over to tell you the flight's been delayed."

"Delayed? It's a private field, what sort of delay could there be?"

"An issue with the plane, sir. Nothing to be alarmed about, but we take no chances. It's not going to keep you grounded too long, we're already working on it. Better safe than sorry, right?"

"Of course. Forgive me, I'm just very anxious to be away from this place. Safety definitely comes first."

"We'll keep you updated but it shouldn't be more than a thirty-minute delay."

"Thank you."

Logan managed a smile for the man, wondering if he was also an agent or just an employee at the field. He supposed it didn't really matter. What did was that he was stuck here longer and that the magnetic pull to James was getting harder and harder to fight with every passing second. It would be too easy to catch a ride back there for one more kiss, one more touch, one more whispered, "I love you."

 _No. He wants me to leave. He's made it clear. It's better all around, this way he can do his job properly. And so can I._

Knowing that to sit around with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company was a bad idea, Logan decided to go find some breakfast. He'd eaten a bowl of cereal at the house, but that had been hours ago and he needed the distraction. After asking at the check-in area he was directed to a small cafe adjoining the terminal. He picked up his luggage and headed for it, determined to escape his longing for a man who was much safer without him.

And who would hate him should the truth of his betrayal ever come to light.

* * *

James hadn't driven a car in over a year. He discovered that it was just like riding a bike in that you never forgot how, and once he got comfortable in Steve's car he was speeding down the highway while trying to convince himself that this was a good idea.

It wasn't. It really was the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and damn Steve for putting the notion in his head that Logan was actually safer around him. Of course he wasn't, he was safest far away from all this madness and danger.

And yet...

What if Steve was right? What if his own suspicions that they were being watched (or at the very least listened to) were true? Logan hadn't even been inside the house, hadn't come anywhere near it, so there was no reason to panic and think someone could know how much Logan meant to him. Right?

The neighbors, though. _Neighbors_ talked. He had gone over there with a rose, stood on the doorstep and presented it like a lovesick loon, and anyone watching them knew by now that it was Steve who was involved with Carlos; it only made sense that he would be involved with the other one.

"Fuck!" James yelled, pounding a fist against the steering wheel. "I'm so stupid, so fucking stupid!"

He'd screwed up with Cristina. Lost not only her, but the light of his life, who'd been sent away to keep her safe. As far as James knew, she _was_ safe.

 _Logan will be, too. Let him go, James. You have to let him go._

 _No_ , his mind screamed at him. _I need him. I'm tired of doing this alone._

 _I need him._

The realization dropped on him like a ton of bricks. He'd never admitted to needing someone before, not after his mother died. He'd needed her, too, but it was too late when he realized that. It wasn't too late now.

Sending Emily away had been the hardest thing James had lived through. He'd lost his mother, lost the woman who had become his best friend, lost the daughter who lit up his world. He was tired of losing people. Tired of always being the strong one, tired of being the one who had to worry about everyone else.

Just plain tired.

"I need you," he said softly in the silence of a car that didn't belong to him, voice cracking on the words. "I need you, Logan."

He only prayed that Steve was right, that Logan really _would_ be safer at his side. One more loss like that would kill him.

* * *

After shoving the knife into the back of his jeans, James locked the car and rushed toward the terminal. Would he have to go through a metal detector? Did private fields even use security? He had no idea. All he knew was that he had to stop Logan, had to somehow convince him to put his life in danger and stay.

Then again, his life was most likely already in danger.

The terminal wasn't huge and it was a quick task to discover that Logan was nowhere in it. James forced himself not to panic before checking the men's room. No luck.

He took one more stroll around the terminal, then allowed the panic to rise.

He was too late. Logan was gone. Just like with Emily, he'd spend the rest of his life wondering and praying that Logan was safe and happy and living the normal life he deserved to live.

Breathing had become difficult. Air just wasn't making it into his lungs, he couldn't draw a deep enough breath, Logan might be in danger and it was all his fault, he'd led them to a loved one once again and—

"Can I help you with anything, sir?"

James spun at the sound of a pleasantly inquiring voice. There was a petite woman with long, dark hair staring up at him politely. She wore a vest that identified her as a staff member of the air field and a name tag that announced her as Shannon.

He struggled to speak. "No. No, thank you, I was just...looking for a friend. But it appears he's already flown out, so...yeah. I'll just be...thanks anyway."

He was three steps away when the girl asked, "Did you check the cafe? A lot of people kill time in there while waiting for a flight."

His steps faltered to a stop before he spun around. "Cafe?"

"Yeah, it's right around that corner and down the hall. I'd check there before giving up. Or you can just ask at the desk, they'd be able to tell you if he's flown out yet."

James bit his lip, thinking that through. He didn't even know Logan's ( _Jeff_ , he reminded himself) last name. "I'll uh...I'll check the cafe. Thanks."

"Of course! If you need anything else, I'm Shannon; just ask for me at the desk."

"Will do."

The cafe. James could definitely see Logan stopping in there to kill time. His feet started to take him there slowly, but by the time he'd rounded the corner he was running. Suddenly nothing mattered but seeing for himself that Logan was safe.

* * *

Logan managed a small smile for the waitress who set down his breakfast, but he knew he wouldn't be able to eat much; his stomach was in knots and the coffee was already making him queasy.

Is this what love did to you? Made you so sick you couldn't eat? He probably wouldn't be able to sleep, either, and dreaded the empty apartment waiting for him. Better to get back to work as soon as possible, have the director set him up on a mission he could handle remotely, maybe—

It took him a moment to realize that the waitress had moved away, because someone else had taken her place. Someone who took Logan's breath away by doing nothing more than standing there staring down with a million feelings in his beautiful hazel eyes.

"No," Logan whispered, both elated and devastated.

"Just hear me out," James said quietly. "Please."

As breathing was a difficult enough task on its own, Logan had no response.

"Can I sit?"

"You can't be here."

"Five minutes. I'm just asking for five minutes."

Even that was enough to put James in danger, there were agents crawling all over this place. "How did you even...?"

"Steve. He told me where to find you."

 _Kendall._ Of course he fucking did, he probably took out a banner advertising the location and flew it down the street. "He shouldn't have, he knows better than to—"

"Don't be mad at him, he's just worried about you. We both are. All that matters is keeping you safe."

 _No, all that matters to "Steve" is throwing your ass in prison for the rest of your life._ With a deep sigh, Logan used a foot to lightly shove his suitcases out from under the table, then motioned for James to sit across from him in the booth. James quickly obliged before Logan could change his mind.

"It's not a good idea for us to be seen in public."

"I know," James nodded. "This really is the stupidest thing I've ever done. I'm putting you in danger, but the truth is I think it's too late to worry about that. I put you in danger yesterday with that rose."

Logan blinked in surprise, mind going to the flower that was currently pressed between the pages of a book inside his suitcase. "The rose?"

"Anyone might've seen me go over there with a rose. I wasn't thinking, I just really wanted to do something...I don't know. Romantic, I guess. I don't have a lot of experience with romance but it felt right at the time."

"Fuck," Logan muttered, dying to reach out and grip James' hand but having to settle for a foot rub to his ankle instead. "Don't hate yourself for that, it was the most beautiful thing anyone's ever done for me. I...it's..."

"What?"

"I brought it with me. It meant that much to me, and I want to make sure you know that. You weren't the only one feeling things."

"I know, I could see it in your eyes. I see it now. You want to leave, but you don't."

"What I want doesn't matter. I have to leave, we agreed on that. We both know I'm safer somewhere else."

"What if you're not? What if they already know about you and know you mean more to me than anyone else outside of my own daughter? They might be watching us right now, Logan. And if that's the case, you aren't safer away from me. If that's the case, where you need to be is right here next to me where I can keep you safe." When Logan didn't reply, James continued, "I know my track record isn't all that great. I failed with Cristina, I—"

"Stop," Logan interrupted, and this time he did reach across the table to lay a hand over James' and squeeze. "That was not your fault, when will you accept that? You did everything you could, you were going to marry her, for fuck's sake! You would have died to protect her, I know you."

James looked away, though his fingers curled around Logan's. "Well, she died instead." Shaking that memory away, he returned his gaze to Logan. "But I swear to you, Logan, that if you give me a chance, I will do better with you. I can't stand the thought of not knowing that you're okay. It's hard enough with Emily, I live every single day wondering and praying and just...hoping that I did the right thing. Don't put me through that with you, too. I need to know, to be able to look at you and see with my own eyes that you're safe."

Logan's heart stuttered, causing his breath to do the same. "What exactly are you asking of me?"

"Stay." When Logan's only response was to swallow hard, he pressed, "I know you have a life back home. I never asked about it because I figured the more I knew, the harder it would be to walk away. I'm sure you have a family and friends and...all the normal things you deserve to have. What I have to offer isn't much, it's really nothing. We agreed from the start this wasn't going anywhere, and now I'm the one changing the rules, but...let me protect you. Let me keep you safe. Stay."

Now it was Logan who couldn't find air. In another lifetime, these were the words he would die to hear from James. To someone who'd lived through what James had, this was as good as a marriage proposal because Logan knew that when James asked you to stay, he meant forever. And though Logan wanted to with everything in him, he couldn't promise James forever.

He couldn't even promise James next week, not if the mission went well and they got what they needed tomorrow. It was bad enough that he'd already messed with this man's heart, how much worse would it be if Logan stayed and gave James that sense of security he so desperately needed in a partner only to betray him later? That had been his entire reason for leaving in the first place.

Though it killed him to hurt James, Logan said gently, "I can't." He saw the devastation flash through those gorgeous eyes and added, "I'm sorry. I wish I could, and I know you don't understand this, but...I can't."

The flare of James' nostrils was the only indication that he was dying inside as a mask of indifference came over his face. He pulled his hand back and dropped it onto his lap. "I understand."

"You don't, and I'm sorry for that, but I promise you this is best. I'll be fine."

"What if you're not?"

"I will be. You can uh...Steve. He'll keep you updated on me if that's what you need. Just ask."

James nodded slowly, unable to meet Logan's gaze now. "Have a safe flight."

"James—"

"I need to go."

"James wait, just—"

James wasn't listening, though, he was up and out of the booth, practically tripping over Logan's luggage in his hurry to get away. Logan rose just in time to keep him from stumbling, a hand on his arm holding him steady and then before Logan knew it, he was back in those strong arms with his face pressed to the neck he'd spent not nearly enough time tasting. James' entire body was shaking, Logan hearing the tears when he managed in a broken voice, "Don't forget me."

He wound his arms around James and held him tight. "Never, you know I won't ever forget you or what we have."

"I'm sorry, I swore I wouldn't do this but I need you, I don't know what it is about you but I need you, I'm not strong enough for this shit, it's too much, I'm just so tired and—"

Logan pulled back, wrenching himself just far enough away to look up into James' face. "You what?"

"Fuck." James fought for composure, reaching down to grab a napkin and wiping his eyes. "I hate myself."

"Stop. Look at me. Talk to me."

"I need you. I can't do this alone anymore. I'm so much weaker than I pretend to be."

Logan shook his head. "You're wrong. You're stronger than you realize."

"I'm not, I'm shit. Look at me standing here begging you like a fucking kid pleading for a shiny new toy."

Something in Logan cracked, probably due to the fact that James actually needed him. With a soft smile, Logan tilted James' chin down for a kiss. "Am I your favorite toy?" he teased.

"Shut up," James chuckled.

"Would you play with me all night long if I stayed?"

The laughter died. "Don't joke about it, Logan. You know I'd kill to have you stay with me."

Logan did know, and it made his decision both easier and harder. "Well, if you can do something incredibly stupid like leave Carlos alone long enough to chase me down here and beg me to stay, I can do something stupid like agree to it."

James was afraid to hope, it was obvious in the way he barely breathed and stared down at Logan with wide eyes.

"Where is Carlos, anyway?"

"Gym. Though by now he's probably with Steve, I texted him to go there when he got back."

"Ah."

Right. The mission. It was a reminder of what he was doing by staying, of the pain he would be putting James through when the time came to leave.

Then again, the pain he'd caused by trying to leave had been almost unbearable. He supposed that no matter what happened at this point, James was going to be hurt. It was too late to undo that.

"Will you stay with me, Logan? I mean what I say, that I'll do anything to keep you safe."

"And what about Carlos? That'll take half your attention away from him."

"Safety in numbers. I'll have Steve to help with that now."

Of course he would, because Logan was sure "Steve" had already offered. This was such a mess.

"You realize it's a horrible idea."

"Probably. But at least this way I can sleep at night knowing you're alive and well. And that will help my focus."

Logan couldn't argue that. "I have some things to uh...tie up. On my end."

"You're not getting on a plane without me."

"No," Logan chuckled. "I'll just need time to make arrangements. Which I can do over the phone. Except I need to let the pilot know I won't be needing his services, so..." How was he do that without James overhearing? He'd have to discuss this with the director, too. "Uh...how did you even get here?"

"Steve loaned me his car."

"Of course he did," Logan nodded. He dug in a pocket for a bill that would cover the food he'd never touched, leaving that on the table.

"He's really worried about you. I think last night really spooked him, with my boss' people coming over."

"I'm sure. Listen, I need to go talk to someone about my flight, so—"

"Wait, I think I just saw Shannon. She works the desk, you can...oh, there she is. Shannon!"

Having been bent down to pick up his suitcases, it took Logan a moment to spin around and see who James was talking about. Just outside the cafe's entrance was a slim girl with long, dark hair that reminded him of...

But that was ridiculous. Lucy was no doubt tailing Carlos. She wouldn't be here.

"Shannon!" James yelled again, the girl not even turning around before she walked away and down the hall. "Damn. Maybe she's on a break or something. Or didn't hear me."

"James, I think the entire terminal heard you. Why don't you go get the car while I talk to someone about canceling my flight?"

"I don't want to leave you alone, someone might be—"

"I'll be safe in here, I promise. And if you don't want to call attention to us, maybe not yell so loud next time," Logan teased.

"Yeah," James chuckled, face reddening. "I don't always think straight around you."

Biting his lip, Logan set down one of the suitcases to wrap a hand around James' arm. "And that's my fear," he said softly. "As much as I don't want to leave you, the truth is I'm a distraction you don't need. The best thing I could do for Carlos and for you is to walk away now. You know that."

James' hazel eyes were a storm when they met Logan's darker ones. "I do know that," he nodded. "But..."

When he trailed off, Logan nodded. "I know. I heard the birds, too."

"Please stay."

Logan didn't see that there was anything else he could do. "Go get the car."

"You're not just gonna fly out of my life the second I leave the building, right?" He was truly terrified that he'd once again lose someone who meant the world to him.

To set his mind at ease, Logan lifted up onto his toes to press a kiss to James' lips. "I'll meet you out front."

"I love you."

That brought a smile to Logan's lips. "I love you, too."

* * *

Once James was gone, Kendall checked in with the director to update him on the latest plan to keep Logan on the mission, then quickly showered and prepared himself for Carlos' arrival. He was humming as he styled his hair, proud of himself for the stroke of genius and more than that, excited. For what, he didn't know. But his spirits were high, body alive and jumpy yet not in a nervous way.

 _You are so mine, Garcia. I'm not letting you run anymore._

At the last minute he decided to shave, remembering what Lucy had said about Carlos liking the innocent look.

It wasn't until he saw Carlos' blue car park in front of the house that he realized he was supposed to be worried. Concerned for Logan's safety. Upset and hoping that James could somehow stop him and protect him from the bad guys. It was with that in mind that he rushed to the front door at the sound of the bell, face filled with worry when it swung open. "Jeff?"

The fear in his voice surprised Carlos, who backed up a step, his own expression wary. "It's me. James told me to come here."

"Yeah. I know, I just..." Kendall reached out for Carlos' arm, dragging him inside and closing the door. "Sorry. I was hoping it would be Logan. Jeff. Whatever."

"What's going on? All James said was to come here after the gym, that he'd explain everything when he got back. Where the hell is he, Steve?"

"He went to get Logan." With a shake of his head, he corrected himself. "Jeff. God, I can't even think straight."

"Motherfucking..." Carlos wanted to rage, Kendall could see it, but instead he settled a hand on Kendall's shoulder. "Calm down. Tell me what happened."

"I just got to thinking, you know? Those guys last night. They were—"

"I told you they were fine. Just part of the business."

"It didn't feel like that, okay? I can't explain it but I didn't trust them and—"

"Dude, you were around them for like five seconds. You have to let me live my life and not interfere, because that could be dangerous for you. And for Jeff."

"That's my point!" Kendall's voice rose on cue. "We're probably already in danger. You guys know what that danger is, we don't. We need you to protect us."

Carlos closed his eyes, rubbing a hand over his face before gesturing for Kendall to sit on the sofa. "Please," he urged quietly. "Sit."

Kendall did, clutching one of Carlos' hands to pull him down and keep him close.

"This is my fault," Carlos sighed. "James warned me about this, told me it would be a mistake to get close to you because this would happen. Babe..."

Kendall's heart flipped over at the nickname; that was new.

"The best thing you can do is stay away from me. I know you care about me, and—"

"Love you," Kendall whispered. "I love you."

Carlos' eyes fell closed again as he struggled for...something. When he opened them he'd found it. "This all went too far, I shouldn't have led you on like this but—"

Kendall shook his head. "You didn't lead me on. We both knew it was supposed to just be dinner. But we fell in love. You can't help that, when it's right it just happens and—"

"This isn't right, though," Carlos said gently, squeezing Kendall's hands in his own. "I wish it could be, but it can't. James was right that it's too dangerous for us to get involved with someone. Why did he go after Jeff?"

"You might as well call him Logan," Kendall sighed, remembering that Carlos had said that once about James. "Everyone else does."

"Just answer the question." There was a smirk there that Carlos was fighting.

"Because I realized that Logan and I are safest with you."

"Are you crazy? The opposite is true."

"No, think about it. You guys know what we're up against. We don't. For all we know your enemies have already gone after Logan and—"

"They wouldn't do any such thing, Kendall. They don't even know he exists."

"Can you really be sure of that? I'm not stupid, I know that's how your sister died. You told me it's how your parents died. Don't try to tell me they haven't done their research when you guys have been over here so much over the past two days. For all they know, we're part of your...whatever it is...and we're enemies, too. If nothing else, they probably know you care about us. And if your life is anything like those books I write, that makes us targets."

"Fuck," Carlos muttered. "James was right all along. I was so stupid to come over here."

Without warning, Kendall leaned in to kiss Carlos, surprising him into a gasp before he melted into it and slid a hand up into Kendall's hair while allowing Kendall to press him back against the cushions. When they finally came up for air, Kendall breathed, "Don't be sorry about this. It's the best thing that ever happened to me."

"But also the worst, if it puts your life in danger."

"Then keep me safe," Kendall pleaded. He maneuvered himself so that he was half-straddling Carlos' lap, one knee between his legs and brushing against the bulge so that Carlos hissed. Surprisingly, Kendall was already just as hard—when had that happened? "I'm not going to argue that it's stupid. It's too late now, though. We're in this. James is down at the airport bringing Logan back here because he can't stand the thought of not knowing he's safe. Do the same for me. Keep me safe."

"Why can't I resist you?" Carlos whispered, tone tortured.

"Because you love me." A deeper kiss sealed the deal, Carlos groaning into Kendall's mouth while his hands worked the button on Kendall's jeans. Kendall was on board with that idea, suddenly desperate to be inside Carlos again. "I know you love me."

"Can you just stop talking for five minutes and take me to bed?"

Victory surged through Kendall, along with a need so great he shuddered. Without another word, he carried Carlos to his room and held his silence outside of moans he couldn't quite keep to himself.


	26. Chapter 26

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hey! I'll be leaving on vacation Thursday, so I'm posting this tonight and the next chapter of Heart tomorrow, then will be MIA for awhile. I really loved your comments about the last chapter and how much you guys loved the Jagan reunion. And you all know the big Kogan fight is coming, so...yeah. Things between the two of them were already strained, and this chapter just adds to it. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! :D

* * *

James was on edge more than usual; Logan felt it the second he slid into the passenger's seat after dropping his luggage in the back. "What's wrong?"

"Carlos isn't answering his phone. He should be at Steve's by now but I can't get hold of him and I'm...can you call Steve?"

Though Kendall was the last person Logan wanted to talk to at the moment, he nodded while clicking his seatbelt into place. "They're probably just...occupied."

"It's ridiculous how attracted to Steve he is. I mean, they just met," James said in annoyance. "Exercise a little restraint." When Logan gave him a sidelong glance with a raised brow, he conceded, "Okay, so maybe I'm no better."

Logan called up Kendall's number with a smirk, letting it ring until it went to voicemail. "Hey, have Carlos call James as soon as possible." It was short and almost rude, but Logan couldn't bring himself to care. All of this was Kendall's fault. All of it.

Then again, when a large, warm hand reached across the console to slide into his and twine their fingers, Logan found it hard to be angry. Kendall had also brought him his greatest dream. He squeezed James' hand and assured him, "They're fine. I promise. Kendall wouldn't let anything happen to Carlos."

James nodded slowly and murmured, "I always said that about Cristina, too."

Knowing that James had no reason to worry but also understanding why he did, Logan lifted James' hand to his lips and kissed it. "You're not gonna lose him."

"I can't. I can't lose him, Logan."

"I know. We'll make sure he stays safe."

Perhaps not feeling as alone, James let out a breath. Logan stared at the passing scenery, his mind all over the place but his hand steady in the firm grip.

* * *

Carlos had parked his car in the driveway of his own home, James breathing a sigh of relief when they saw it. "He'd better be with Steve."

"Would he have waited for Carlos here?"

"No, I left from his house. He would've waited for Carlos there. Should I park in the garage?"

"Uh...we can move the car later if we need to. Just...right here is fine."

James pulled up in front of the house Logan shared with Kendall. "The street's clear. You're safe to get out, but let me grab the luggage. Just head for the house as fast as you can."

"I don't have keys."

"Oh. Shit. I didn't even think of that. No answer from Steve yet?"

"Nothing. Carlos?"

"Nope. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Leave the stuff for now and you stick close to me until we're inside. I'd take you to my place but I feel like that's even more dangerous."

Thinking of the fact that there were cameras in every room, Logan had to agree.

"Stay in the car until I get around to your side."

Part of Logan thought it was overkill, and then he remembered what happened to Cristina. He obeyed.

They made it to the porch with no issues, James wrapping himself around Logan from behind once they were there. The feel of that powerful body against him brought back memories so that Logan let out a soft hum. He immediately felt an answering response from James, who said breathlessly, "Later."

"Promise?"

"Swear, just get us inside."

Pounding on the door got them nowhere. Sensing that James was about to lose it for fear that something had happened to Carlos, Logan repeatedly pressed the doorbell. Had he not been so certain that Carlos and Kendall were absolutely fine, he would've approached the situation with more stealth as his training had taught him. For now, annoying the crap out of them should do the trick.

It took about thirty seconds of that for the door to crack open, Kendall swinging it wider and moving out of the way with a glare at both of them. "We heard you the first time, relax."

"Then you should've done something about it," James snapped. He shoved Logan inside the house and then followed, slamming the door quickly. "What the fuck is wrong with you? We've been calling since we left the airport!"

"We were a little busy."

"That's no excuse to ignore us! You know how much I worry about him, you know—"

Carlos' voice floated in from the hall. "Dude, I'm fine, relax."

It was only when he appeared in jeans and nothing else that Logan realized Kendall was similarly clothed. Just as he'd suspected, Kendall had been "working to further the mission."

"Don't you dare be mad at me," James argued. "You know I have every reason to worry."

"Yet you still left me alone to run off after someone else."

Logan felt what a punch to the gut that was for James, knew that with just a few words, Carlos had made him feel like the worst human being on Earth. He slid an arm around James' waist just as James managed a whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't let him go."

"We need to talk," was Carlos' harsh reply. "Give me five minutes to get dressed and we're out of here."

"I don't want to leave them alone."

"They'll be fine."

"No, the whole point of this was to—"

"James," Logan interrupted softly. He hugged James from the side, offering his presence. "We'll be okay. You two do need to talk, and so do Kendall and I. Go home, check everything out, and I'll make us all some lunch, okay?" James hesitated, not meeting anyone's eyes, so Logan moved to step in front of him and lifted up for a kiss. "We'll all talk this over when you get back."

"I don't feel comfortable leaving you," James said again.

"It won't be for long. Carlos deserves an explanation and the chance to speak freely with you. We'll figure it all out over lunch."

"Ten minutes."

"Twenty," Kendall countered. "Logan and I need to talk, too."

Carlos added, "Thirty. I've got a lot to say."

James rolled his eyes. "Fine, just...Carlos, hurry. I'm gonna go get Logan's stuff from the car."

"Pull it into the garage," Kendall urged. "I feel more comfortable with it in there."

James stormed out of the house, Carlos disappeared down the hall, and Kendall met Logan's unsmiling face. Quietly, he stated, "I had no choice."

"You always have a choice. Don't act like someone held a gun to your head."

"It was the only way."

Hearing Carlos approaching again, Logan decided not to answer that. Yet.

"See you soon?" Kendall asked.

Carlos shrugged, some of his anger peeking through when he replied, "We'll see."

"James just said—"

"I don't care what James said. He's lost his mind."

Logan's heart dropped, but he couldn't argue the case.

"No offense, Jeff," Carlos added. "It's nothing against you."

"I know," Logan nodded. "I get it. I'm sorry for all of this. It's the last thing you guys need."

"Definitely. But...I take half the blame. Don't start lunch yet. I'll let you guys know if we're coming back."

"You're coming back," Kendall stated as if them staying away was the most ridiculous notion in history. He dragged Carlos in for a hard kiss, Logan noting that Carlos didn't fight it at all. As much as Carlos didn't want to admit it, he was already in too deep.

Still, he made no promises. "Don't set your heart on that."

"Even if I tell you we've got cheese puffs? And popcorn? And plenty of ice cream left?"

Carlos sighed, but his lips were twitching when he answered, "You really have to stop being so perfect."

"Impossible," Kendall smirked. Their next kiss was more tender, making Logan wish they'd all met under different circumstances. Maybe in that other lifetime James had spoken of where he would've enjoyed doing all the romantic things for Logan.

It was with that thought in mind that Logan cornered James as soon as he stepped into the kitchen from the garage. James was surprised by the attack, a whine of need escaping into Logan's mouth as they kissed desperately.

"James," Carlos warned.

"Later," James promised again.

"Thank you for coming to get me," Logan whispered.

"I'll be back soon."

"I'll be here."

When it looked like Carlos was about to literally drag him away, James gave in and followed. Logan watched the door close behind them, not ready to face the man he'd come to resent almost overnight.

"All right, let's watch this go down."

"Don't even think about it," Logan threatened.

Kendall stopped in mid-run, turning back with a sigh. "We're gonna miss what they're saying."

"We already know what they're going to say. You know because you orchestrated this whole thing."

Realizing he wasn't getting out of a fight, Kendall took a swing with his next words. "I had no choice!"

"Stop saying that! You went over there and manipulated James into coming after me, didn't you?"

"It was his idea!"

After taking a calming breath, Logan spoke at a lower volume. "Again, keep in mind that I can go in there and watch the entire conversation right now if I choose to."

Defeated, Kendall sighed. "Look, I couldn't let you leave."

"I was removed from the mission."

"No, you just asked to be. The director didn't want you leaving any more than I did."

"Was this Stone's idea?" Logan asked, the idea suddenly occurring to him. It was underhanded enough to be something she'd come up with. "Where is she anyway?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Because she should've been tailing Carlos but I could swear I saw her at the airport. Don't even tell me you had nothing to do with that, Kendall."

"Fine! She went down there to make sure you didn't get on the plane, to keep you from leaving. Dammit, Logan, we need you!"

"And do you know what James and Carlos need?!" Logan exploded. "They need a chance to fight for their lives! You don't know what they've been through, you can't even begin to understand—"

"But you can, can't you? Because he told you everything." When Logan turned away in frustration, Kendall pounced. "I knew it! What the fuck, Logan? How could you keep information from me? How could you turn against your own team?"

"Because I never chose to be on this team! I was sent here to monitor and nothing else! You dragged me into this, you forced me to go after James and—"

"Oh, don't even stand here and act like I twisted your arm. You were dying to talk to him. Dying to get him in bed."

"I tried to avoid it! Remember that? I fought you on all of this because I knew I couldn't do the job!"

"But you did!" Kendall yelled. "You did it even better than I thought you could, and that was the whole point! You've completely forgotten why we're here, what the entire reason is for all of this! They're drug dealers, Logan! They kill people every fucking day!"

"Not these two. They don't sell anything themselves."

"Not even Carlos?" When Logan hesitated, obviously unsure of that answer, Kendall nodded. "Exactly. He fucking admitted to me that he's in sales. And I don't care if James never touches the stuff himself, he protects it. He gives it to the people who sell it. He's part of this. Both of them, they are part of the network we're trying to bring down. But you went and fell in love with one of them."

Logan shook his head slowly, bitter amusement coming through in words. "Right, because you didn't fall in love at all. You didn't just tell Carlos yesterday that you loved him."

Kendall's cheeks flushed. "I said what I had to."

"Bullshit! You never meant to say that! You're in love with him, Kendall, why not just admit it?"

"It's part of the job! I'm _supposed_ to act like I'm in love with him!"

"And I'm sure that's why you had to get a quickie in before we got back, right? Why you were so wrapped up in him that neither of you could even answer your phones?"

This time Kendall turned away, unable to meet Logan's steady gaze.

"Kendall," Logan started once he'd calmed down enough to be rational. "They're not the monsters you think they are. Carlos never had a choice in this. He was brought up in this life and if he tries to leave it now, he's dead. Please understand that."

"If he stays in it, he's going to prison. Isn't that better? Wouldn't you rather them be there than dead?"

"What kind of question is that? There's not much difference."

"Of course there is."

"No, Kendall. If they go to prison, there's no chance they're getting out. Ever. You and I both know that."

"They've made their beds."

Logan stared at Kendall for a long time before urging him gently, "Sit down."

"What?"

"Sit here with me."

"We don't have a lot of time, they might be on their way over right now."

"I don't care. This needs to be said."

Kendall still didn't move, so Logan took his hand and pulled him over to the sofa, keeping their hands clasped as he talked quietly. "I know you miss your mom and sister."

Kendall's glare was more of an answer than his actual words. "Leave them out of this."

"I can't, because you don't. You bring them into every move you make with this case. They're in your heart and telling you that taking down Carlos and James are how to move past the pain."

"Fuck you!" Kendall's hand was ripped away as he stood, voice rising. "You don't know what I'm feeling!"

"No, because I haven't lived through what you have. But here's what you need to remember: Carlos did not kill them. James did not kill them."

"Actions like theirs did." Now Kendall was pacing, angry steps that were the most he could express without flying off the handle.

"James knows what it's like to lose someone the way you did. Because of drugs. So does Carlos."

"It's different," Kendall argued. "His sister knew what she was part of. It was her choice to stay."

"It wasn't," Logan stated gently. "She tried to break away. She hated that life and everything about it. She tried, Kendall. They got her anyway. Carlos did everything he could to keep her safe but they got her anyway. Trust me, he knows what you've been through better than anyone else."

Kendall didn't want to hear this. "What about his parents?"

"I don't know much about that."

"I do. He watched them die."

Logan blinked up at Kendall in surprise. Carlos had told him this?

Finally sinking down next to Logan again, Kendall continued, "He was five years old and he watched his parents die. His father's last words were to him. Telling him to keep Cristina safe."

"Wow."

"But she died anyway."

"She did," Logan nodded. "James blames himself for it. You heard Carlos, he blames himself for it, too. They have to live with that every day, Kendall. Isn't that punishment enough?"

Kendall refused to answer.

"How much do you blame yourself for your family's deaths?"

"That wasn't my fault. I wasn't driving. I didn't sell to that asshole." Logan waited in silence for the words he knew were coming next. "It was my game, though. My game they came out for. Because they never missed a game, they knew how important it was to me."

"You know what I'm going to say."

"Yeah," Kendall sniffed, angrily wiping tears from his cheeks. "I know it's not my fault. And I know it's not Carlos' or James', either."

"But you have to blame someone, right?"

Kendall rose from the sofa and moved blindly toward the bathroom. "Give me five minutes."

"Take as much as you need. Meet me in the office."

The second Kendall was gone, Logan rushed down the hall and unlocked the office door. It took a few moments to get the monitors up and running, but he sank down into his chair to hear James say, "Just pack enough for tonight. I might even come back a few times tonight, I don't like leaving this place alone for too long. Be ready in fifteen."

So they _were_ coming back. Unless...but no, if James was planning to run home a few times, that meant they were going somewhere close. He watched both of them turn into their rooms to find a bag to pack, Carlos using the one he took with him to the gym.

Fifteen minutes, but it could be sooner.

Logan approached the bathroom and knocked lightly. "We've got about fifteen minutes before they come back. Maybe less."

"Be right out."

He was greeted with a glass of lemonade when he entered the office, Logan offering him a small smile and noting he'd put a shirt on. "Sorry, I didn't have time to make coffee."

"That's fine, this stuff's really good." Kendall cleared his throat and glanced at the monitor, where their targets were putting clothing and toiletries into bags. "So they're coming back?"

"Yeah, and I think we have just enough time to rewind and watch what they said."

When Kendall only nodded and sipped at the lemonade, Logan went to work calling up the feed that had already been recorded. James and Carlos had again used the living room as their battle ground, and had stepped into the house calmly enough.

"Let me just—"

"Don't bother." Carlos closed and locked the front door, then reached into a pocket for his phone.

"Anything from your uncle?"

"Nope."

James' gaze narrowed when he realized that Carlos wasn't reading texts but instead putting through a call. "Who are you calling?"

"My uncle. We're out of here."

The words were met with a stunned expression. "Wait...what?"

"I'm done, James. We're no longer safe here." He pressed the phone to his ear, not ready for it when James reached out to grab it and end the call.

"Give me my phone, asshole!"

"No! We're not leaving!"

"We have to! We're not safe!"

"Well, we sure as hell won't be safe back at the house!"

"Then he can set us up somewhere new. I'm not going back there, and neither are you."

"Carlos..." James grasped for patience, a hand combing through his hair. "We just told them we'd be right back."

"I made it clear that wasn't going to happen."

"We can't just leave, not after Logan stayed for me!"

"That's exactly _why_ we need to leave. Don't you get it, James? You went after him! He was finally getting away, which we both agreed was the best and safest thing for everyone, but you went after him! You stopped him from leaving!"

"He's safer with us!"

"Kendall tried to tell me that, too, but he's wrong. It's bullshit! They need to be far away from us."

James licked his lips while digesting Carlos' argument. "You call him Kendall now?"

Color bled into Carlos' cheeks. "He told me to. And that's my point. It's not safe with them here because we can't protect them."

"What sense does that make? How else can we protect them if not next to them?"

"James, you don't get it. Us being around them only makes it worse because we can't even focus for five seconds. Kendall won't stop kissing me and when he does, I don't think. You don't think straight around Jeff. It doesn't matter if we're with them or not, they're in the same amount of danger both ways because we lose our focus!" When James had no answer for that, Carlos continued. "You know it's true. I mean, you borrowed someone's car and went after him. Dude...what happened to you?"

"He heard the birds," Logan murmured, watching James run a hand through his hair again as he searched for a way to explain it. At Kendall's questioning glance, Logan shook his head.

"I don't know," James finally said, and he looked like he was filled with self-loathing. "I started out angry at you for wanting to talk to Steve, knowing what a bad idea it was. And I was right, wasn't I?"

"Totally. I should've listened to you."

"But you didn't, you kept pushing it, and got me involved, and then I saw Logan and...Carlos, I don't know how to explain it. It doesn't make any sense."

Taking pity on his friend, Carlos let out a sigh and led James over to the sofa. They were seated before Carlos said, "It's that thing you didn't want to believe is real. It's chemistry. It's that connection, when it's so strong you can't fight it. I felt that the first time Kendall looked at me. I mean, sure, I thought he was cute but I wasn't going to do anything about it. Then I caught him staring, and...the second our eyes met, it was like...a million lightning bolts going off in my stomach. Is that how it felt when you looked at Jeff?"

"Something like that," James agreed. "I was so stunned just because you'd lied to me and put us in that position, in a house with not only one stranger, but two. I was so betrayed. I was about to fucking explode on you and then...I don't know. He walked into the room and said something about...what was it? Garlic butter?" James couldn't keep a short laugh in. "And I looked at him and...I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop staring."

"All those lightning bolts going off."

"Yeah. It scared the fuck out of me, Carlos."

"I know. And I get it, okay? I'm not mad at you for falling in love. I always wanted that for you. You were great to my sister, but I knew that wasn't love."

"She loved me, though," James said sadly. "And it made me feel like shit that I couldn't feel that in return. I wanted to."

"I know," Carlos nodded. "You tried, and that's...I mean, you were gonna marry her."

"I would have. I did love her, you know."

"Yeah, just not...there were no lightning bolts, right?"

"No birds," James answered, biting his lip.

"Birds?"

"Long story. Um...look. What you're saying isn't wrong. You're right, we don't think clearly around them. It's why I didn't want you to get involved in the first place, why you didn't want me to see Logan again. I'm not arguing that."

"Which is why we need to never see them again."

Though Logan knew James had somehow found a way around that, the words still caused his heart to stop at the thought of it coming to pass. He didn't miss that Kendall had the same silent reaction.

"But the thing is, Carlos, you were right earlier. You said they're in as much danger with us here as they are away from us. Because by now anyone who might be watching or listening knows they matter to us. So sure, they can leave, but that's not gonna keep them safe. They're probably already being investigated."

That was a scary thought. Logan turned to Kendall, who met his gaze and said, "All they'll find is our fake names and made-up histories."

"Unless they throw in our middle names," Logan pointed out. "Which are real."

"What's your point?" Carlos was asking now.

"That even though our focus is off, if something does happen we'll be right here to try to stop it. If they leave, or _we_ leave...we won't." Carlos chewed on that for a minute. "They have a better chance of surviving an attack if we're with them."

"But don't they have a better chance of no attack if we're not?"

"If I knew for sure that was the case, I'd walk away from Logan right now. As much as it kills me, I'd rather have him alive than in danger at my side."

Logan's chest warmed as he let out a quiet "aww" noise.

"But since I don't have a guarantee on that," James continued, "I'm not willing to take that chance. I need to protect him. Together we can protect them both, and Steve can help me protect you. But I need you to do the same and help me protect Logan."

"Of course. I wouldn't let anything happen to him."

"Because you're a good friend," James smiled. "And even though I've lost pretty much everything that was good in my life, I'm grateful that I still have you."

"Aww, dude, stop," Carlos protested, but he hugged James awkwardly from the side. "Don't get me all mushy."

"It needed to be said. So how's this. When I'm being reckless and stupid, you become my voice of reason and yell at me. I'll do the same for you. We just have to work together."

Carlos bit his lip while thinking that over. "What do we do when they ask questions? I mean, they should know what they're facing. It's not fair to hide what we do from them. And if we do that, they may not even want to be with us. What if they turn us in?"

James took a deep, bracing breath and closed his eyes to admit, "Logan knows."

Carlos blinked a few times. "Knows what?"

"All of it."

 _Fuck._ Logan felt the glare burning into him from Kendall, the betrayal coming at him from angry green eyes before Kendall whispered, "You motherfucker."

"All of it?" Carlos echoed. "Like...everything?"

"My side of it."

Panic was seeping into Carlos' face. "He knows who we are?"

"No. I didn't tell him specifics or names or...I just..." James finally opened his eyes to meet Carlos' head-on. "I'm sorry. I needed him to know."

"Holy shit. Holy shit, that means Kendall probably knows, too."

"I don't think so. I mean, I could be wrong, but I think Logan kept it all to himself. He said he would."

More feelings of betrayal. "We can fight about this later," Logan said to Kendall now.

"Oh, we will."

"But...he came back anyway?" Carlos wanted to know. "Even after you told him everything, he still wants to be with you?"

James swallowed, emotion showing in his eyes. "Yeah," said in a voice filled with awe. "He still loves me. I can't...how is he even real, Carlos? I feel like he's too good to be true."

Guilt punched Logan in the stomach. He _was_ too good to be true. And yet...what was it Kendall had said? He'd not lied to James about any of his feelings; everything he said was the truth when it came to his thoughts and feelings about James. That helped.

A little bit.

"That's how I feel about Kendall," Carlos sighed. "But...what if he doesn't know and when he finds out, he hates me? Did you know his mom and sister were killed by a dude that was high? I sensed it, he hates anything having to do with drugs. He'll hate me, too."

James bit his lip. "Give him a chance."

"Wait, so what are we saying here? Are we just gonna tell them everything? That's the stupidest thing we could possibly do."

"No, Carlos," Kendall whispered. "It's the smartest. Do it."

"Logan already knows," James reminded him.

"I'm not ready for that. There's too much involved, and the more he knows, the more danger he's in. I mean, you weren't as involved in this side of it, not until we moved here. I'm...you know. This is my life."

"But you don't want it to be."

"That doesn't matter, James. It's what I'm stuck with for now. What am I thinking, I can't drag him into this!"

"Dude...I'm sorry, but he's already in this."

Carlos shook his head. "I'm still not ready for all of that."

"The more they know, the easier it will be for them to protect themselves."

"What are we even saying? We can't just be with them every second of the day. They have lives, and we have to protect the house. They can't come over here. How are we supposed to protect them and the house?"

James shrugged. "I think that's something we have to discuss with them. You might have to tell him everything."

"Yes," Kendall hissed. "Tell me everything."

Carlos groaned. "Ugh, this is such a mess. Dammit, James, why couldn't you just let him leave?"

"Why couldn't you just not flirt with the cutie down the street?"

"Fine. We'll go back over there and have lunch and talk all this out. See how we want to handle it."

"I'm not leaving Logan alone tonight."

"Whatever, just...let's go talk to them. I guess we can just plan on staying there for the night."

"Just pack enough for tonight. I'll even come back a few times tonight, I don't like leaving this place alone for too long. Be ready in fifteen."

Realizing they'd caught up to what Logan had already seen, he stopped the playback and switched to the live feed. James was opening the front door, Carlos right behind him, both toting an overnight bag. "Shit, they're coming," Logan muttered. There would be no time for him to discuss any of this with Kendall.

Which, considering how mad Kendall was, might be a good thing.

"Shut it all down and get out," Kendall ordered on his way out of the room. "Don't forget to lock the door!"

Logan did, bracing himself as he pocketed the key. He had no idea what was coming, but knew that Kendall would do whatever he could to get Carlos to spill.

After all, that was the mission. And the mission was all that mattered—at least in Kendall's eyes.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

* * *

While Kendall went to open the front door for James and Carlos, Logan slipped into the kitchen; he was supposed to be working on lunch for everyone. He took a few seconds to shoot a text to Lucy, letting her know to stay away until further notice because the other two would be essentially living with them (or so Logan hoped). Her answer was a thumbs up, and he breathed a sigh of relief. At least they wouldn't have to worry about her ruining anything.

He was sliding his phone back into his pocket when that beautiful face peeked around the swinging door from the dining room. "Can I join you?"

There it was, that feeling Carlos had described as a million lightning bolts in his stomach. As much turmoil as he was currently in, he couldn't hold back a welcoming smile. "Of course. How long are you staying?"

James' arms wound around his waist, pulling him close as Logan's breath caught. "As long as you'll have me," was whispered into his ear, and wasn't it insane how easily James could flip a switch in him so that he was breathless and wanting? He pressed his face to James' neck, already weak with need, and knew before it happened that James was going to lift him up onto the counter. Because he was perfect and somehow everything that Logan wanted in a man.

Large hands roamed his body, sliding up his sides and over his chest before settling behind his neck to cradle his head while James' tongue dove into his mouth. If he could just have this forever, his life would be complete. No mission, no lies, no ulterior motives, just this man loving him and opening to him and trusting him while keeping him safe. Maybe they could run away together, maybe tonight he could take James and just—

"Can we at least get some lunch before you two tear it up all over the counter?"

Logan wanted to scream when James pulled back. Would they _ever_ get time to themselves? He rested his head against James' shoulder and ignored Kendall's question, letting James handle the talking.

"Tell Carlos that he can wait ten minutes."

Kendall came all the way into the kitchen then, approaching them so he could speak quietly. "The truth is he really wants to talk everything out. I can tell he's a nervous wreck, he doesn't want to be here—"

"He does," James promised. "He's worried about you."

"I know, but...he's also terrified. We just need to figure out a plan here so he can have some peace of mind."

Logan lifted his head to study Kendall's face, deciding that the concern he found there was real. Kendall cared so much more than he wanted to. "Let's make it a quick lunch," Logan suggested. "We've got more corn dogs and I think enough bread left for grilled cheese. But Kendall, we're gonna have to run to the store again pretty soon."

"No," James disagreed with a shake of his head. "We're ordering groceries from now on. And we've got some food back at the house we can bring over."

Kendall nodded before asking, "Does that mean you guys are staying here?"

"It's...we'll have to discuss it. Carlos doesn't want to involve you more than you already are."

"It's a little late for that," Kendall pointed out. "Please just figure something out for lunch so we can all sit down and talk. I'm worried about him."

James managed a bitter chuckle. "Welcome to my world."

* * *

The hardest part about all of this, Logan realized as he was carrying a plate of corn dogs to the table, was that if James and Carlos were here all the time, there would be no opportunities for him and Kendall to confer privately. And how in the world would they keep everything in the office a secret? Sure, Kendall could use his whole "nobody sees my work" charade for awhile, but eventually that would stop holding up. Logan smiled when James set down an assortment of condiments, silently thanking him for the help. A wink was his response, again sending Logan's heart into overdrive.

And how was he supposed to fight that? He'd been prepared to return to work and try to forget James, or at least to move on with the knowledge that he'd done the right thing. Now he couldn't do that, yet he also couldn't continue this act. He loved James too much to put himself in a situation that would eventually land James in prison; he couldn't be part of it anymore.

"This looks great," Carlos commented. "Thanks, guys."

James shrugged. "It'll do for now. We're gonna order some groceries later, I was thinking Logan and I could try an old recipe my mom used to make." When Carlos looked up at him in shock, he added, "If that's okay."

"Sure, dude, that's fine. It's just so rare to hear you mention your mom."

"Yeah well...there comes a point where you have to stop blaming yourself and remembering all the bad stuff. There were good things, too, and I've decided that's what I want to remember."

Logan reached out a hand to rub James' back soothingly, proud of him as they shared a smile. Carlos' comment was "Damn, Jeff, you're a miracle worker. I've told him that for years. One day with you and he's like a new person."

From his seat next to Carlos, Kendall leaned over to share in a stage whisper, "That's called love. You should try it sometime."

Carlos elbowed him, but his lips were fighting a grin. "We got anything to drink?"

"Root beer, lemonade, milk, water," Logan answered. "Though...Kendall, how are we on milk?"

"Enough that he can have a glass."

Logan nodded, turning to James. "We'll take stock and make a list after lunch."

"I have other plans for you after lunch."

Having been about to ask Carlos what he preferred, Logan halted with his mouth open. Instead, a quietly desperate noise escaped.

"Later," was murmured into his ear from behind. "Promise."

After rolling his eyes, Kendall stood up and offered, "I'll go get the drinks. You sit down before your legs give out."

Logan protested, "Shut up, I'm fine." He sat, though, James joining him before dragging his chair closer.

"I'll take root beer," Carlos told Kendall.

James and Logan both chose lemonade, and when Kendall returned with two cans and two full glasses it was to see that Carlos hadn't waited but was already digging into a sandwich.

"He eats when he's nervous," James explained, noting Kendall's stare.

"I'm not nervous," Carlos argued through a mouth full of bread and cheese.

"Whatever." James waited until everyone had filled their plates to say, "We need to come up with a plan. Are we all in agreement that this is happening?"

Kendall asked, "That what's happening, exactly?"

"The four of us moving forward as one. As much as I hate putting either of you in danger, Steve raised a good point that you're already in danger. We can't go back and undo our actions, so we have to move on with—"

"This is too confusing," Carlos complained.

"It's not," James said. "We discussed this, it's—"

"No, I mean the names. Everyone calls him Logan but me, everyone calls him Kendall but you. Let's just agree on the names we want to use, because it confuses me now when you talk about Steve. In my mind, he's Kendall."

Kendall and Logan shared a look across the table, both of them understanding just how far into this they were. "You can call me Logan," Logan offered. "It's fine. I agree that after a few days here, I'm back to thinking of myself as Logan. That always happens when I spend a lot of time with Kendall."

"Okay," Kendall nodded. "I'm Kendall, you're Logan, you're James...and I guess you've always been Carlos," he added softly, bringing a smile to Carlos' lips. "Can we assume that Michael was never your name?" he asked James.

Though James hesitated, in the end he sighed. "I don't suppose there's any point in hiding things now. My name was never Michael. But...how much did Logan tell you about everything I told him?"

"Nothing," Logan answered before Kendall could speak. "I swore I wouldn't."

James rested a hand on Logan's, squeezing it in silence.

"How much _do_ you know?" Carlos suddenly asked, turning to Kendall. "If he didn't tell you anything..."

"Um...well, I admit I've made a lot of assumptions based on things you've both said and things I've observed. For example, you've said things that made me suspect James has a history of prostitution. Is that accurate?"

Carlos closed his eyes, obviously wanting to kick himself. Feeling James tense up next to him, Logan flipped his hand to twine their fingers together.

"Yes," James finally said.

Kendall nodded. "And though you've never told me what it is you sell, I know that it's most likely nothing legal. So what is it? Weapons? Secrets?"

This time it was Logan squeezing. Carlos debated, probably afraid that Kendall wouldn't love him once the truth was out. They already knew the answer, but Carlos admitting it...

Sudden paranoia had Logan bursting out with, "Don't answer that."

Kendall's face swung his way, eyes flashing. "Logan, let him talk."

"Carlos, please. Don't. James could be right, we might be being monitored right now. The enemy...the government...you just don't know."

Green steel glared at him from across the table. "Don't you think I would know if my house was being monitored?" Kendall spit out.

"You probably wouldn't," James answered. "They're that good. I'm not saying you don't deserve the truth, Kendall, because you do. But Logan has a point. Maybe...maybe you two should have this talk outside. Walk around the backyard."

When Kendall still hesitated, Logan added, "Anyone could have this place bugged. _Anyone."_

He was praying that Kendall would get his point, that even their own people might be doing things without their knowledge. Of course, to Kendall that probably wouldn't matter. He'd think it was smart and an asset to the mission.

Which...yeah, Logan supposed it would be. It's what he would do if he was in charge, monitor and record every second even without the agents' knowledge. He no longer cared about the mission, though, so...

When Logan stopped to actually think it through, he realized it wasn't possible. He'd supervised the installation of the cameras and equipment himself, and they'd only had one day to do it. If anything had been put into place to watch over them, it would've been done the day he arrived here and he'd know about it. So his paranoia was just that. Still, it wouldn't hurt for Kendall to think it was a possibility, right?

Carlos bit his lip before saying to James, "You always tell me to stay inside. That it's too dangerous outside. Why are you telling me the opposite now?"

"Because I think Logan's right that would we should worry. We talked about this, they might have been researched already."

"When would they have put all this stuff in place?" Kendall wanted to know, trying to show how ridiculous the idea was. "I only started talking to Carlos a few days ago and I've been home every second since then. I would know if someone showed up and installed cameras."

"You left the other day," James disagreed.

"No, I haven't gone anywhere since Carlos and I started talking. Not even to the grocery store."

Logan stated, "You picked me up from the airport. And we went grocery shopping." They both knew nothing had happened then because Lucy was here the whole time, but of course Carlos and James didn't know that. And Kendall certainly couldn't share it. "For all we know, it could've happened then."

"Logan, you're being paranoid and ridiculous," Kendall argued.

James shook his head. "He's being smart. And that's what we all have to be in order to survive, you have to assume that the enemy is one step ahead. Always."

With a victorious smirk at Kendall, Logan said, "My man is not stupid."

It was a throwback to their first days in the house, before James had actually been his man and they'd both been on the same team. Kendall took the meaning perfectly, that he had now formed a new team with James and that no matter what happened with the mission, he was staying with this.

Kendall could definitely have Logan hauled off for treason and thrown in jail. They both knew this. What Logan also knew was that with Carlos around 24/7, Kendall wouldn't have a chance to. And because it furthered the mission to keep Carlos close, he would be forced to do that.

At least for now. Because Kendall needed him here to distract James. And that was fine, too, because by the time the mission was complete, Logan expected to be somewhere far away with James. His only problem would be figuring out how to convince James to leave Carlos.

Unless Carlos went with them. Maybe he could save them both.

Carlos interrupted the speeding train of thoughts running through Logan's head. "When you're done eating, we do need to talk," he said to Kendall. "We can go outside. Just promise to keep me safe and I'll do the same for you."

Knowing he had no choice but to go along with the paranoia that Logan had introduced, Kendall nodded. "I'll never let anybody hurt you."

* * *

Logan waited until Kendall had led Carlos into the kitchen and toward the back door to stand up and start gathering dishes. James rose next to him with a firm grip around his wrist. "Leave the dishes."

"But the food will dry on the plates and—"

"Logan, I wasn't kidding. I have plans for you. Now."

The commanding tone sent shivers through Logan. He carefully set down the plate he'd picked up, afraid he'd drop it otherwise, then offered no resistance when James dragged him by the wrist toward his bedroom. He had the presence of mind to remember Lucy's words and made sure the blinds were closed this time before watching James lock the door. It was in every movement, how badly he wanted Logan; his body was stretched like a taut wire and it sent Logan into flames because from the moment James had said the word "now" he'd been feeling the same thing. "Are you sure Carlos is safe out there?" he asked anyway.

"Kendall's not gonna let anyone hurt him. That much I can guarantee."

The words gave Logan pause. He sank down onto the bed after toeing off his shoes, studying James as he hurriedly undressed. "You really trust him, don't you?"

"He's in love. It makes us do stupid things, and sometimes it makes us careless, but once Carlos tells him the whole story I'm positive he'll do everything he can to keep Carlos safe. It'll be his mission in life."

The use of the word "mission" raised goosebumps on Logan's skin. James' trust was so misplaced and it scared Logan because that was what would get him caught in the end.

"Why aren't you taking off your clothes?" James wanted to know.

"Why are you in such a hurry?"

"You have to ask?"

Logan shrugged, head all over the place.

"Because Carlos may be dramatic at times, but he's right about one thing. He keeps telling me that today could be his last day. Or tomorrow could. This moment might be all we have, Logan. And if someone's going to kill me or put me away for the rest of my life, I'm going to make love to you as often as I can before that happens." Clad only in boxers and very obviously ready for the task, James knelt before Logan and cupped his face with both hands. "There is nothing better than time alone with you. Talking, touching, even just sleeping, I don't care. I want as much of this as I can get while I have it."

Logan's lips trembled. "I love you. If there's one thing in life that you know is true, let it be that. I will always love you."

James nodded, gaze shiny with the feelings taking him over. "And I love you. Let me show you."

A shudder ripped through Logan, leaving him almost weak. "Okay," he nodded. "Okay." It seemed to be all he was capable of speaking, outside of a rushed, "Hang on" before he dashed out of the room.

James was bewildered until Logan returned with a tube of lube and condoms. "Kendall's room," he explained.

"Oh. Fuck, I didn't even think of that. I mean we made it work last time, but it can be so much better."

"It will be," Logan promised. He dropped the handful of supplies on his bed and then let James help in the quest to remove all of his clothing. They were naked and kissing in no time, Logan trapped to the bed under James and happy to be there when he suddenly wondered where the knife was. It was an odd thing to cross his mind in the heat of the moment, but he hadn't seen any hint of it as James was undressing. He couldn't ask about it because he wasn't supposed to know, and obviously James couldn't know about the gun currently in his nightstand. "Are we safe in here?"

"I locked the door."

James' mouth on his neck made it hard to think straight. "I know, I just...oh god, I love it when you do that. But are you armed in some way?"

"Not at the moment," James grinned, rubbing against Logan so that they both moaned. "Do I need to be afraid of you?"

 _More than you know._ "Sorry, just paranoid."

"It's okay," James replied, suddenly serious. "I always keep a knife within reach. Or I try to. It's in my pants right now, where I can reach it if I need to."

"Okay. Sorry, I just..."

"It's really okay." He soothed what he thought was Logan's fear with kisses, Logan melting into them and knowing he could never live without this again. The risk didn't matter. He opened his mouth to say something but the thought quickly departed his brain at the feel of James' slick hand working him over in preparation. "If you want a condom we can use one but you've never been with anyone else and I got tested right before we moved here so—"

"It's fine," Logan mumbled, his desperation at the breaking point. "Just..."

"I'm here," James whispered. He moved his legs around until he could guide Logan inside, sitting down slowly while adding, "Right where you want me to be."

"Fuck, James." He'd been right, it was even better with the lube. It was the most incredible feeling he'd ever known, at least physically. "Don't leave me."

"Right here." James moved as he talked, setting the pace from above. Their hands were clasped again, on either side of Logan's head, and James leaned down for a soft kiss. "I'm yours."

Logan let out a desperate cry before freeing his hands so that he could hug James to him. "Promise me."

"I do. I promise." When Logan's arms only tightened, he nuzzled Logan's lips with his nose. "What's gotten into you? Why are you afraid?"

"I'm just so scared you're gonna disappear."

"I won't leave your side."

"You can't promise that."

"I can." As James moved faster, his breathing quickened and it was harder to speak. "I promise."

"Run away with me."

James jolted, the pace coming to a halt. "What?"

"Run away with me," Logan pleaded. "We can leave tonight, find someplace new to hide. Change our names and—"

"Logan...have you lost your mind?"

"Yes. I don't know where we'd go but there has to be somewhere. Maybe a foreign country where nobody can track us. Your boss could set something up, right?"

James sat up slowly, Logan buried deeper in the process and groaning in ecstasy. "I can't leave Carlos."

"We'll take him with us. Just the three of us, let's sneak out tonight and—"

"Logan, what...what's going on?"

"I'm scared, that's what! Terrified that if the gangs don't get you, the Bureau will. I can't lose you, okay? I thought I could, I tried to leave, but I was wrong. You can call your boss and he can get us out of here and—"

"Without Steve? Would you really do that to him? The guy was so worried about you that he begged me to go after you."

 _Shit._ There was no way to explain that. "He's..."

"He's what?"

"Too attached to his life."

"I thought he moved here to get away from his life."

"Right, I just mean that he wouldn't want to live on the run. He couldn't handle it."

"And you could? You're telling me that if I took you away tonight and we disappeared, you wouldn't miss your life? Your family?"

"It's really just my mom."

A dark eyebrow arched. "And that's not enough?"

"It's...I...James, I just don't think it's safe here for you and I can't lose you!"

Seeing that Logan was on the verge of a breakdown, James lifted himself off and laid down next to Logan so that he could hold him instead. "I'm not going anywhere, babe. I swear, I'd rather die than leave you or let someone hurt you."

"I know," Logan replied, the tears coming on suddenly along with shaking that he couldn't control. "What scares me is that it _will_ come to that. That you'll have to die or be put away or...you deserve a normal life."

"It's all I've ever wanted," James admitted.

"I want to give you that. Think about it, we could run away like you and Cristina did, take Carlos with us, it would be like before only—"

"And you know what happened. I barely survived her death, Logan. I won't survive yours. I'm not putting you in that position."

"James, please, you don't understand, this is the worst place you could be."

"It's not, because you're here. That's all I need. I won't let Luis down, I owe him my life and my daughter's. I won't leave Carlos."

Logan let the slip-up of Luis' name pass. "Which is why we take him with us."

"It's not that easy. He has things he has to take care of in the business. This is a crucial time and if we leave now, his uncle could be in danger. I mean hell, he already is."

"So we take him with us, too."

"Babe..." James sat up, bringing Logan with him so that they could stare into each others' eyes. "If you think you're a target now, it would be a million times worse around my boss. I won't do that to you. It's the reason Carlos isn't with him, it's too dangerous."

"Dammit, James, there has to be a way! It's dangerous here, too!"

"We're safer here with all four of us than we would be elsewhere. I promise you that."

"But you're wrong. _I_ promise _you_ that."

James pressed his lips to Logan's forehead. "You have to trust me. Do you?"

"Yes," was Logan's immediate answer. "More than anyone in the world."

"I trust you, too. That's the most important thing in a situation like this. We have to know we can trust the people who keep us safe. Do you trust Carlos?"

Logan nodded slowly, shocked to realize that he did. He trusted the drug dealer. He even trusted the dealer's uncle, who was the person he should trust the least. He'd said once to Kendall that not everything was black and white, and how right he'd been. They'd most definitely gone into the gray.

"Then we're good. Because I trust Kendall, too, and that's all we need. Each other."

Logan's eyes fell closed on the knowledge that in order to explain why James was wrong, he'd have to tell him the truth. And in doing that, he'd absolutely lose him. How had this become such a mess? "I love you," he murmured, that being the thing he needed to make clear again.

"I know," James smiled, surprising Logan with a kiss to the tip of his nose. "And that's why we're gonna be okay. Because we have each other."

When James pulled him in tighter, Logan savored the safety of his arms. He didn't know how much longer he'd have them.

* * *

Kendall took Carlos' hand as they stepped onto the back porch, waiting until the door was closed to survey their surroundings. Was Lucy hiding behind a bush somewhere, watching? It wouldn't surprise him.

"Should we walk?" Carlos asked.

"That's probably safest," Kendall answered. "To keep moving." His hesitance to get close to the bushes caused him to add, "Then again, James and Logan sat out here for a long time the other night and had no problems. Should we risk it?"

"They did look pretty comfortable," Carlos admitted. "Actually, let me go back in for my gun. I'd feel better."

Kendall froze. "You brought a gun?"

Carlos was practically daring Kendall to judge him for it. "I did. That's what you don't really understand yet, Kendall. It hasn't sunk in. I'm in danger every second. You stick with me, so are you."

"I'm aware of that."

"Are you, though? Do you really get it? Because this isn't like those books you write, where everything turns out fine in the end and the hero gets the girl. You're not really a secret agent who's going to save the day. I don't need you trying to play the hero and thinking you're saving me but getting yourself killed instead."

Kendall's heart skipped a beat. "I'll keep you safe."

"You don't even know what you're up against."

"Then tell me. You have to trust me, Carlos, or I can't be of any use to you. I want to protect you."

"That's not your job."

"I want it to be."

"Even if you end up dying? Look, nobody would judge you for walking away right now. I'd actually prefer it."

"Would you really, though?" When Kendall closed the distance between them, reaching out to take both of Carlos' hands in his, he saw the way Carlos' stony gaze wavered. He felt Carlos' fingers grip his tight in a gesture that silently said "Please don't leave me." "Look into my eyes and tell me you want me to leave, Carlos."

Carlos swallowed hard, chest rising and falling in rapid succession.

"If you can tell me you want me to leave and make me believe that you mean it, I'll consider it."

"I want you to leave."

The words came out strong, but those dark eyes held just enough fear that Kendall knew better. He leaned down to press his lips to Carlos', both of them melting into it before he whispered, "Try again."

"I..."

"Make me believe it."

"Please go." This time it was tortured and genuine; Carlos needed him to leave but couldn't bring himself to make it happen.

"I'm not going anywhere. Go get your gun."

Kendall waited until he was alone on the porch to sink down onto the swing, rubbing his hands over his face. What a complete mess this was. His partner had turned against him. His target wasn't the ruthless asshole he was supposed to be but instead a gorgeous, adorable man who spent his life terrified it was going to end any second.

How had it all gone so wrong?

The cushion moved next to him. "You okay?"

"No. I'm really not," Kendall sighed.

"I meant what I said. If you walk away now, I won't think any less of you."

He shook his head and rested his cheek on his clasped hands to stare at Carlos. "And spend the rest of my life wondering if you're okay? No thank you. I'd rather know it firsthand."

This time Carlos shook his head, but his mouth was a smirk as he leaned against Kendall. "You know, you and James are actually a lot alike."

"Me and James? We're nothing alike."

"You are. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's a sentimental romantic fool. And I think you are, too."

"Says the guy who almost cried when I gave him flowers."

"Well, it was a first for me."

"Says the guy who was so excited for a fireplace and candles and kept calling me the perfect date."

Carlos buried his face in Kendall's shoulder. Amused, Kendall moved his arm to drag Carlos in close against his chest. He kissed the top of Carlos' head and said, "It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"It ruins everything."

"Not everything. Just...some things."

"Important things."

"Wouldn't you say love is important?"

"Of course. It just has no place in my life."

"I think we found a place for it." Carlos stayed quiet, so he added, "You can deny it all you want, but you love me."

"That doesn't make things easier. It just makes everything harder. It was supposed to be one night, Kendall. One night. One date. Now look at us. And you haven't even had time to work on your book! It's all because of me."

"I'm not complaining."

"You should be. Because...the thing is..." Carlos lifted his head so their eyes could meet. "Your life won't be the same. Everything will change. And it's all because of me, because of some random guy you met a few days ago. I can't let you do that for me."

"Isn't it my choice?"

"Kendall, you're not thinking! You don't understand!"

"Then make me understand." He was trying to keep his voice neutral and finding it difficult. Emotions he hadn't planned on were coming into the picture and it was pissing him off. "Just fucking tell me, Carlos! Tell me everything!"

"And I tell you everything and then you decide you don't want me and where does that leave me? In more danger, because now I've spilled all my secrets to a stranger who for all I know would see me fry! I can't take that chance!"

"You know what pisses me off most? About all of this?" Carlos looked away, not wanting to know, but Kendall was going to tell him. "James went through this. James apparently told Logan everything. I'm sure it was hard on him, and I'm sure he was terrified. But he did it because he loves Logan, and most importantly, he _trusts_ Logan. I think that's what really hurts, Carlos, is that you don't trust me. You think I'd betray you and just turn you in for whatever it is you've done or will do, and I've never given you any reason to think that. You don't trust me!"

"I have a lot of reasons not to!"

"None of them are related to me. I don't know what happened in your past, so I can't see it your way. Maybe if you'd tell me, I could."

"Then it's too late."

"It's already too late! Do you think I don't know enough to turn you over now? I may not know specifics, but I know enough to hit up a police station and say 'Hey, so my new neighbor should be checked out because he's definitely into some illegal shit.' Have I done that? Have I ever given any indication that I would turn against you?"

Again, Carlos couldn't meet his eyes.

"Logan could have. He obviously didn't. He didn't even tell _me_ what he knows, and I'm his best friend. James trusted him. Why can't you have the same faith in me? What have I done that makes you so sure I'm the bad guy?"

"Nothing," Carlos whispered, having to stand and put space between them. "It's exactly the opposite."

"Explain that to me."

"You're not the bad guy. You're the good guy."

"Why is that a problem?"

"Because if you stay with me and protect me, you _become_ the bad guy. And I won't do that to you."

"Again, isn't that my choice to make?"

"No!" Carlos yelled, spinning to face Kendall. "You're the good guy, it's who you are and what I love about you and it shines through everything you do. You're perfect, you're so absolutely perfect, and the second you start lying for me and helping me, that all changes." Carlos fell to his knees, resting his hands on Kendall's thighs to make his case. "I don't want to change who you are. If I had put together a list of every quality that my perfect human had to have, it would be you. You are everything I love in this world, everything I've ever dreamed of. And that's how you need to stay." His voice cracked on the last word. "I don't want to lose you."

Kendall's hands shook slightly as he lifted them to Carlos' face, where they fit perfectly around his cheeks. His thumbs slid over smooth skin, fingers sliding up into soft hair. "Then don't send me away. Open yourself to me, Carlos. Let me be all the things you've ever wanted."

"You already are."

"Then let _me_ have what I've always wanted."

Carlos blinked, settling down onto his heels. "What have you always wanted?"

"I...didn't know until I met you. I'd lost my family and thrown myself into my job instead."

"There's nothing I can offer you, Kendall. Nothing but fear and pain and misery."

"You're wrong. You gave me back the ability to love. I lost that when they died, and I didn't know it until I met you. Don't make me lose it again."

"Kendall..."

"Carlos, please. I have nothing in this world. Give me something to love."

Carlos could no longer hold back the flood. He pressed his face to Kendall's lap, shaking as he cried. Kendall bent over him and did the same, shocked by his own emotional response that had come up so easily when he needed it. Why hadn't he been doing this all along?

"Trust me," he begged. "Please, Carlos, just trust me."

"It'll change you. It could get you killed."

"Then I die knowing I experienced the best thing in life. I love you."

Carlos lifted a tear-stained face to Kendall. "I hate you, but...I love you, too."

Kendall's breath caught. He'd known it, had even heard Carlos admit it to James, but something about having the man look into his eyes and say the words directly to him and mean it...

It changed him.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hi again! I wasn't planning to post again so soon, but I go back to work Thursday and I'm hoping to spend time tomorrow writing more of Heart, so I decided to get this out of the way now. Once I go back to work, who knows when I'll have time again!

Thanks for the reviews and sharing your thoughts if you do! I'm pretty sure some of you will be amused by Kendall's suffering in this chapter. God knows Logan finds it hilarious. :P

Thank you for reading!

* * *

Needing to get a grip, Carlos excused himself to the bathroom. Kendall escorted him back into the house and waited outside the door, knowing it was overkill but thinking it was a move James would be proud of. He started to get nervous when Carlos seemed to take an unnaturally long time.

"Carlos?"

"I'm fine. You don't have to stand outside the door like a guard. James doesn't even do that, and he's ridiculous."

Okay, so maybe James _wouldn't_ be proud of him. Still... "I can't help it, I worry."

The door cracked open to reveal Carlos' amused smirk. "You really think I'm in danger closed inside a tiny room without windows?" Kendall shrugged, causing Carlos to chuckle. "Why is it cute when you worry but annoying when James does?"

"Because you love me. And I was more worried about you emotionally. Are you okay?"

"Fine, just...doing some thinking. Come on, let's go have a real talk."

Kendall stopped off at the kitchen for two cans of root beer, then they got comfortable on the swing again, this time Carlos going right into the arm Kendall held out so that they were cuddled up much as James and Logan had been on their first date.

"So what did you decide?" Kendall asked, bracing himself.

"That you're right. I need to trust you."

"Good. Start talking."

"Not so fast, neighbor. In order for me to trust you, I need to know that you trust me."

Kendall frowned. "You know I do."

"See, this stuff...this is the sort of thing I don't ever tell anyone. Not only because it can be dangerous, but because it's hard to talk about. I really have to open myself up, you know?"

"I do," Kendall nodded. "I know it isn't easy."

"But I need to know that you're willing to do the same for me."

"Ask me anything. I'm an open book."

"But you're not, and that's my point here. You actually _haven't_ opened your book to me."

Still not following, Kendall gulped down root beer in an attempt to give himself time to catch up. "That's what I'm saying, I'll tell you anything."

"I don't want to hear it, Kendall. I want to _see_ it." When Kendall tensed, finally starting to understand what he wanted, Carlos grinned. "Yep. You want me to open up to you? Open up to me. Show me some of your work."

Kendall forced himself not to hyperventilate.

"I know there's not a lot yet. And I know how scary it is for you, especially if you wouldn't even show Logan or your mom. But I think the best way to know someone is to understand what drives them. What gives them purpose and a passion. So that's my condition. You let me read some of your book, I'll spill my secrets."

"Um. Carlos, that's..."

"Is that a no?"

"No, it's...I mean...right now?" Kendall asked weakly.

"Right now. I won't judge you, I'm no literary critic or anything. All I want is a glimpse of what makes you tick."

"Carlos..."

"I know," Carlos replied softly, lifting his face to Kendall's for a quick kiss. "It's scary. But it's scary for me, too. Open your heart to me."

"I...I need time."

"You don't need time, just take me into your office right now and let me read something. It doesn't even have to be a lot, just like...a chapter maybe."

Kendall was still fighting hyperventilation, mind working in a frenzy to make this work. The entire mission depended on this. "Look, I'm not comfortable sharing it with someone without editing it first. Let me go in there by myself and look it over, find a piece of it that I'm proud of. That I'm not too embarrassed to share." Carlos was already shaking his head. "Carlos, please! I'll do it, I'll let you read it, but you have to let me do it my way. Once you start talking and telling your story, I won't interrupt. I won't say a word, I'll let you say it how you want and give me what you want. But you have to give me the same courtesy and let me do it my way."

Carlos studied him. "How long do you need?"

"Um...a few hours?"

"One. You get one. I need to make some phone calls anyway, and I'm sure James is already worried about the house and wants to check on it. So I'll take him over there and we'll handle some business and when I come back in an hour, you'll have something ready for me. Deal?"

Though he had no idea how he was going to make that happen, Kendall nodded. "Deal."

"Good." Carlos grinned, that boyish charm coming to the surface. "I'm so excited! I can't wait to read it! It's about a secret agent, right?"

"Um...sort of?"

"And spies? And danger?"

"Well, I mean...don't forget, I haven't gotten far on it yet. So not a lot's happened."

"That's okay, you wrote it and that's enough for me." Carlos pressed his lips to Kendall's with a loud smacking sound and jumped up. "One hour! I'm gonna go get James."

"Yeah, you...can you send Logan out here before you guys go?"

"Sure, but it's best you guys aren't outside without one of us. One hour!"

Kendall watched with mounting panic as Carlos ran into the house. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

* * *

Logan found Kendall whispering to himself on the swing.

"One hour..."

"What?"

Kendall started, his can of root beer almost slipping out of his grip before he set it on the table next to the one Carlos had left behind. "Oh my god. Logan. I need your help. Are they gone?"

"Yeah, James isn't too happy about it, and neither am I. I was enjoying our time together."

"Dude, we have a serious problem. This entire mission is about to self-destruct."

Logan stared down with his arms crossed over his chest. "If you're asking me to help you lie to them, I'm done with that."

"Oh, really?" Kendall stood up, head cocked as he asked, "So you're cool with them knowing why we're here? It's totally fine with you if James knows what you really are?"

Biting his lip, Logan looked away.

"Exactly. We need each other, Logan. If I don't come through with what Carlos wants, they'll know something's wrong and you'll lose James. If you walk away, my mission is dead."

"I don't care about your mission anymore."

"But you care about James. And you care about Carlos. You need them to believe we're exactly who they think we are, so I'm asking you to please help me. I only have an hour! Less now!"

"How much did he tell you?"

"Nothing yet. That's the deal, I have to show him part of my novel. That's the only way he'll trust me and spill everything."

It took a few seconds, Logan fighting against it but unable to keep in the laugh that broke free. "Are you serious? Oh my god, this is...wow, this is the best. He wants to read your book?"

"It's not funny! What do I do? Is there a way the director can like...email me a passage from a book?"

"He can," Logan nodded, speaking slowly, "but it's risky. If either of them plugs it into a search engine, odds are the actual book will come up. And where do you think you're going to show him this email, Kendall? You can't let him into the office. No way to hide all that equipment."

"Fuck! Logan, stop laughing! This isn't funny!"

"It's what you deserve."

"You started this with me! You're here for the same reason I am and if you think I won't take you down with me, you're wrong. You blow my cover? I'm blowing yours. And then it's Bye Bye, Hot Guy."

Logan let out a frustrated sound, knowing Kendall was right. "Okay, let me think this through."

"Hurry, we're down to almost fifty minutes."

Thirty seconds of pacing resulted in Logan shaking his head and saying, "I'm sorry, but the only way I can see out of this is to sit down right now and write something. Anything."

"What?! No, I can't write a book!"

"You need something printed out that you can carry to him. Don't let him in that room."

"Fine, I'll find something online and print it out."

"Too risky. I'm telling you, my man is too smart for that. The second he feels something is off, he'll start checking into everything we've ever said and done. And he doesn't forget anything."

"Okay. Okay, we can make this work. You read books, right?"

"I don't have a poetic bone in my body, Kendall. I'm a machine guy. I work with computers."

"Computers have words!"

"Kendall," Logan chuckled. "I'm sorry. I really can't write anything imaginative. Put me to work writing up an instruction manual, I'll knock it out of the park. A made-up story? It's never gonna happen."

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." At his limit, Kendall smacked the back door open so hard that the knob gouged a hole in the plaster. "Oh my god. Oh my god, we're gonna fail. All this work and for nothing, we're gonna fail. They're gonna hate us forever."

"I'm not letting that happen. Go into that office and sit your ass down and write something."

"I don't know how."

"You just come up with words, and I'll format it. I've at least read enough books to do that."

"Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can do this."

"You can. Come on. How much do you need?"

"He said it didn't have to be a lot, just a chapter or something."

"Then make it a short one. Maybe the prologue."

"Okay, so...there's this agent."

Logan sank down in front of the monitors, noting that Carlos was on the phone while James was checking the contents of their refrigerator. "He's so precious, he's gathering food to bring over here. I wonder what recipe of his mom's he's going to make us."

"Logan! Focus!"

"Fine, fine, sorry! Let me just get a program open."

One of the feeds disappeared to reveal a desktop screen. Logan had a blank document before him in five seconds. "So there's an agent," he prompted.

"Yeah. And he's...in the middle of a mission."

"Original idea."

"Shut the fuck up! He's...tied up. Yeah, he's tied up and trying to figure out how to get out of his rope bondage without the bad guy seeing him."

"Rope bondage?"

"Jesus, will you just move out of the way?"

Kendall lowered himself to the empty chair, shoving Logan's out of the way and dragging the keyboard closer to type. "What's his name?"

"Uh...Knight. Agent Knight."

"Logan, I swear to God if you don't start helping me, I will take out my gun right now and shoot you dead, and when James asks what happened, I'll tell him the bad guys got you."

"Okay, okay! His name is...Steel."

"Agent Steel. Yeah, I like that. Jackson Steel."

"Pretty sure that's a kind of guitar."

"Damn. What about...Brady."

"Not cool enough."

"Dammit, Logan, this doesn't have to impress anyone except Carlos! I'm going with Jack. Okay, so Steel is tied to a chair and he has to hurry or the woman he loves will be killed."

Logan kept his mouth shut about the cliché of it all. Kendall took a deep breath and closed his eyes, then opened them to start writing a story. Or at least a chapter of one.

* * *

Fifteen minutes before his time was up, Kendall rolled the chair back and used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe sweat from his brow. "That's the hardest thing I've ever done."

"Really? It looked like you were having fun with it."

"I don't know, I kind of was. I mean, I could see it all so clearly, you know? And I know the storyline is one that's been done a million times, but Carlos likes that sort of thing so I think I'm good. I'm gonna go let my brain relax for two minutes while you look it over and fix it up."

Logan nodded, his gaze shooting over to another monitor where Carlos and James were debating the intelligence of telling Kendall the whole truth. Carlos still didn't want to but knew he'd promised to do it; James agreed that it was probably a bad idea, but then made the point that every decision they'd made from the moment they laid eyes on their neighbors had been.

"I'm sorry," Logan whispered to the screen. "I almost wish I'd never come here."

He let out a sigh, then turned his focus to the other monitor to go over Kendall's "manuscript." Surprisingly he'd cranked out five pages, Logan impressed as he skimmed the story. It actually wasn't bad at all. Yes, there were spelling and grammatical issues that he fixed as he went along, but the story itself...

"Holy shit. Kendall, this is good. You're really good!"

Kendall wasn't in the room, though. Logan continued through the paragraphs, laughing out loud at a few cheesy quips the agent came up with, and when he was done he rushed out of the room. "Kendall!"

"What?" came from the kitchen before a head poked out. "Are you done? Is it really bad?"

"No, I just need to know what happens next."

"What?"

"You left it on a cliffhanger! The bad guy fires, he ducks but it's too late! You don't tell us if he gets hit or not!"

Kendall blinked a few times, mouth working. "Does it really matter?"

"Yes! Just tell me that much. Does he make it? Though since it's the prologue I would assume he does. But does he rescue Gina, or is that what the rest of the book is about?"

"I...hadn't really thought about it. It's not like I'm going to write more of it, Logan."

"You don't have to, just tell me how it ends." Kendall's silence prodded him to add, "I guarantee Carlos is gonna want to know."

"Oh. Shit, you're right. But I mean...it's good enough to fool him?"

"It's good enough to publish, Kendall."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"Dude, I'm not kidding! Yeah, you need an editor, I mean I fixed _a lot_ of spelling errors..."

"Look, I was a jock."

"But I mean it. I know you're an agent and I know why you are, and I know that books really aren't your thing. But Kendall...speaking as your friend and not someone who hates you for wanting to turn in the love of my life...you should think about it. If this job ever stops being what you need, I think you have a future as a real author."

It was more than Kendall could handle at the moment. "All I care about is convincing Carlos I'm a writer. Can I do that?"

"Absolutely. I'll go print it out right now."

"Thank you."

For the first time in almost an hour, Kendall could breathe again.

It was going to be okay.

* * *

Kendall nudged him. "Come on, they're about to leave."

Logan glanced from the printout to the monitor, where James and Carlos were heading toward the front door.

"What's all that?" Carlos suddenly asked, referring to the bags James was carrying.

"Food. It's easier if we just consolidate it all and see what we've got before Logan and I put together a list."

Carlos halted, keeping James from opening the door. "It's not like we're gonna live there."

"I thought we'd pretty much decided we are." When Carlos looked as if he was about to panic, James added softly, "We talked about this. It's safer if we're all together."

"I know, I just...I still don't understand how we got here. One second you're telling me it's dangerous to even talk to Kendall, and the next thing I know you're wanting us to move in there. The danger's still there, it hasn't changed."

"I know," James nodded, shrugging as he added, "but we have."

* * *

Kendall smiled as James stepped into the house. "He's in the kitchen." Attention immediately moving to Carlos, he pulled him in quickly and shut the door. "Hi again."

"Hi. You got something for me?"

"You know it."

Carlos laughed when Kendall pressed a kiss to his lips. "That's not what I meant."

"Be more specific next time," Kendall teased. Not ready to face the heavy stuff yet, he dipped in again, capturing Carlos' mouth for a deeper kiss while backing him up against the front door. When Carlos groaned and opened his mouth in invitation, Kendall slid a hand down his stomach and closer to what he really wanted, teeth nipping at Carlos' chin.

"Can I um...damn, dude. Can I at least set down my bag?"

"Sorry," Kendall breathed, not actually sorry in the slightest. He was going to enjoy Carlos as much as he could before the mission ended. "You just looked so good when you walked in the door, I couldn't—"

"I know what this is, and it's not gonna work. I won't be distracted from that book."

"Carlos, would I really do that?"

"Absolutely. Now let me go put this bag in your room and we'll talk."

"You brought more stuff? How long are you staying?" Kendall spun to ask, gaze following Carlos toward the hallway.

He stopped to answer. "That's...part of what we're gonna decide."

"Okay. Meet me out back?"

"My root beer still out there?"

"Uh...yeah, but I'm sure it's flat by now. Logan's making up some fresh lemonade, though."

Carlos smiled. "That sounds great."

Neither moved for the next few seconds, their eyes locked in a feeling they weren't willing to put into words. "See you out there," Kendall finally said. "Are you sure it's safe?"

"I'll be fine. Relax."

He waited for Carlos to leave his line of sight before moving to the kitchen door, not at all surprised to find Logan and James in the middle of a makeout session on the table. Logan was on his back, James bent over him and thrusting in a way that was futile with clothing on; it wasn't stopping them.

"So...how's that lemonade coming?"

Logan let out a groan, freeing his mouth from James' long enough to grumble, "Kendall, can't we have five minutes without you interrupting?"

"You just had sex like an hour ago!"

"No, we didn't," James argued. "I mean...we ended up mostly talking instead."

"That was your stupid decision. Logan? Lemonade?"

"It's coming," he sighed, then gently shoved James off him. "I was halfway through it when this guy showed up and..." Now standing, Logan shuddered when James fastened greedy lips to the side of his neck. "Did that. Holy shit, James."

With an evil grin, James backed off and turned toward the counter. "I should get this frozen stuff put away anyway."

Kendall watched them work, amused at the way they "accidentally" brushed against each other each time James moved past Logan. "So I can definitely count on you two giving us privacy while we talk outside?"

"Of course," James nodded, serious now. "You guys did that for me when I needed it with Logan. And look...Steve...sorry, Kendall. It's still weird for me."

"I know," Kendall chuckled.

"Kendall, he's...really struggling with this. You do need to know this stuff, but try to remember how hard it is for him to trust you, especially when by doing that he puts you further in danger. I think there's part of him that hopes you'll run once you know everything, because that makes it easier on him. But at the same time he needs someone like you, so..."

"I'm not going anywhere," Kendall promised. He ignored the accusing glare from Logan and continued, "I need him, too."

"If we do this...if we stay here and become a...team, I suppose...I'm going to need your help. Not just with Carlos, but with Logan, too. No offense, but my priority is keeping those two safe. That's all I care about."

"Well, that makes us even. They're what I care about, too."

"So then we work together. We'll sit down and come up with a plan. Whatever it takes to keep them safe."

"Whatever it takes," Kendall agreed with a nod.

"Here." Logan's tone was harsh when he pressed two glasses into Kendall's hands. "Leave us in peace."

"You guys do the same. Carlos needs to feel comfortable."

"We're just gonna figure out groceries and dinner," James shrugged. When Kendall lifted a disbelieving eyebrow, he added, "Right after we have some dessert."

Logan swallowed hard. "Goodbye, Kendall."

Kendall's last vision of them was James lifting Logan up onto the kitchen counter, reminding him of the daydreams Logan had told him about.

He breathed out a sigh of relief. Logan wasn't going anywhere.

* * *

Kendall was pleasantly surprised to see Carlos had snagged a blanket off the sofa before making himself comfortable on the porch swing. It was just chilly enough that the feel of it would be welcome rather than stifling. "You planning to get frisky under there?" he smirked.

"We'll see how it goes," Carlos winked. He reached up for the lemonade, then asked, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Oh. Right." The manuscript. If it could be called that. "Let me just..."

"If you'd rather, we can do this in your office."

"No. That's still my sanctuary, and as much as I love you, I have a strict rule about no one except me going into it. I'm sorry."

"I can understand that. So go get it."

"It's not much," Kendall admitted, suddenly nervous. It was one thing to play a part for a mission, but this would be actually sharing a piece of his inner self with Carlos. It felt like baring his soul. Which he supposed was exactly what Carlos was about to do, so it was only fair.

"I know," Carlos nodded. "That's why you moved here, right? Because you weren't getting anywhere back home?"

"Yeah. Too many distractions."

"I know how that is. Go on," he urged gently when Kendall continued to stand unmoving. "I'm not going to judge you."

"But you will. I mean...if it's horrible and you hate it, there goes your high opinion of me."

Carlos bit his lip before responding, "And that's exactly how I feel about opening up to you. Now you get it?"

"Yeah." And he did. No wonder Carlos was so hesitant and scared.

He relieved Kendall of the second glass of lemonade, setting it down next to the two soda cans that were still on the mini table. "Whatever happens after this...if we choose to go our separate ways...no hard feelings?"

 _Fuck, that is so not what I want to hear from you right now._ "No hard feelings," Kendall answered anyway.

"Can you look me in the eye and swear to me that you won't turn me in? You won't tell anyone what I say? You'll be like Logan, keep it all to yourself?"

Kendall's mouth went dry. This was what he'd been waiting for from day one, the part he was supposed to be ready for and so would eagerly agree to anything. Now that he was here, though, it wasn't so black and white. He would be unequivocally lying to Carlos' face, to those deep brown eyes. It should've been a piece of cake. He should've been screaming in triumph on the inside.

"You're hesitating. That's all I need to know." Carlos moved to stand.

"No!" Kendall pressed him back down with a hand on his chest, Carlos careful to keep the lemonade from spilling over. "No, I just...it's scary, you know? What if you killed someone? That's hard to keep to myself with a clear conscience."

What the hell was he doing? He was just giving Carlos more reason to keep the information to himself.

"Exactly," Carlos nodded. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. I don't want you to become the bad guy."

"Carlos, I...I need to know. All of it."

"Even if I killed someone?"

Kendall swallowed. "Even if you killed someone."

After satisfying himself that Kendall was sure, Carlos offered up a tiny smile. "Well, you can relax. I didn't kill anybody. At least...not directly."

Rather than the relief Carlos was probably expecting, the words only reminded Kendall of his own mother and sister. It might not have been direct, but someone like Carlos had played a part in their deaths. He slowly sank to the swing, wringing his hands together as he spoke from the heart instead of the part he was supposed to be playing. "Have you ever thought about that? The people who maybe died from your actions, even if it wasn't direct?"

Tortured eyes turned to Kendall. "Like your mom and sister, you mean?"

Choked up now, Kendall nodded. "I know it wasn't you, I just...I think that's what I can't get past."

"The truth?"

"The truth."

This time Carlos couldn't meet his eyes. He stared down at the glass in his hands, Kendall feeling the misery radiating from him. "Every day," Carlos whispered. "Every day of my life."

Shocking himself, Kendall snaked a hand across the blanket to free Carlos' fingers enough to twine his own with them.

"I think about that, and I think about the fact that if I'd gotten out maybe my sister would still be alive. I thought about running so many times, but it's...I couldn't leave her. When she died, I couldn't leave my uncle. I know you don't understand this, and I wouldn't expect you to because you've lived a very different life. But I'm stuck, Kendall. If I walk away, my uncle dies. I probably die, too. If I stay, I can keep him safe. Or at least try to. And I have a better chance of surviving because there are only half as many people who want me dead. If I leave, they _all_ want me dead."

"I can't even imagine what that's like."

"It's...I try not to think about it. When I do, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like I'm gonna scream. So I just live day by day and try not to think about what I'm doing. Just go through the motions, you know?"

"Yeah," Kendall whispered. "But that's no way to live."

"I know. It's harder every day. Meeting you..." Finally Carlos looked up at Kendall, letting his fingers tighten around Kendall's longer ones. "Meeting you was like a reminder that there's more to life than what I know. My sister had dreams of getting out, of finding someone like you and falling in love, going to school, raising a family. Living a normal life. I gave up that dream a long time ago and just accepted that it wasn't meant to be for me. Then I met you and...it's like God put you here as a living, breathing symbol of everything I'm missing out on. I'm tired. I'm just so damn tired. I don't want this life anymore."

Before Kendall knew it, Carlos' face was pressed against his chest, his body shaking with sobs. Kendall gently pried the glass free and set it aside before hugging Carlos closer, his own eyes wet. They stayed like that for a long time, Kendall suspecting this was the most Carlos had allowed himself to cry since perhaps Cristina's death. Yes, he'd cried earlier in this same spot, but it was nothing like the violence of this.

He pulled himself together eventually, wiping his face as he sat up straight. "Go get the book."

"I don't want to leave you like this."

"Reading that will give me time to calm down, get my head in a better place. It's the only way I'll be able to talk about everything."

"Okay. Don't run off on me."

A bittersweet smile was Kendall's answer, along with, "If I was going to, I would have long before now."

"You tried. More than once."

"Did I ever succeed?"

"No," Kendall grinned. "But that's because I always went after you."

Carlos nodded slowly, contemplating that. "Promise me that will always be the case. If I run, you find me."

Kendall sealed the deal with a slow kiss. "I promise."


	29. Chapter 29

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Posting this chapter makes me realize just how close we are to the end of this story. Once it gets to a certain point, things take off with a bang and their peace (or what they've found of it so far) is shattered. This chapter is basically Carlos' side of the story. Not as long as James' was, but that's because there isn't as much to tell since we know most of it already. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Kendall expected the printed papers to be snatched out of his hand the moment he sat down; instead Carlos threw the blanket over him and cuddled closer, waiting until Kendall had lifted his arm to let him get snuggled in before relaxing again. "This is nice."

"Very," Kendall agreed, rubbing a hand up and down Carlos' arm. It _was_ nice.

"How did you get into writing?"

"Uh." This was the part Kendall was dreading, the questions he knew would come. What was it Carlos' uncle had said? _The best way to lie is to throw in a little truth to make it believable._ "You know, it's weird. I didn't grow up thinking about it or wanting to do it. It sort of just happened."

"How?"

"I was more of a jock, played a lot of sports. But I would read books here and there as an escape." One truth, one lie. He could do this.

"And?"

"I liked making up stories. I'd get good grades on my papers when I wrote. Except for the spelling and grammar. I'm not so great with that."

"I'm not either," Carlos chuckled. "But my education was...not exactly consistent."

"Oh?"

"Nope, we're talking about you."

"Damn," Kendall sighed. "Where were we?"

"You got good grades."

"Oh. Well, I did. And Mom always said I had quite an imagination. I just never wanted to go in that direction, you know?"

"What changed?" Carlos asked softly, as if he knew where the story was going.

"Everything changed when Mom and Katie died. I didn't care about sports anymore. Didn't care about _anything_ anymore. Fantasy was easier to face than reality, so I spent a lot of my time writing." Three truths, one lie.

"Stories about heroes who saved people from death?" Carlos said shrewdly.

"One hero, actually. But yeah. He always saved people."

Warm lips pressed to Kendall's jaw, and why was there suddenly a burning behind his eyelids? He was making this shit up, there was no reason to _cry_ over it.

"I'm sorry," Carlos whispered.

"For what?"

"That you couldn't save them. I don't know the whole story, but I know that you blame yourself, and...there's no way them being killed in a car crash is your fault. You know that, right?"

"It was my game, Carlos. They were coming back from _my_ game." Where the fuck were these tears coming from?

"So?"

"So?" Angry now, Kendall shoved Carlos away and stood up, the manuscript all but forgotten in his right hand. "Don't act like it's not a big deal. It's huge."

"So you would rather they didn't go to the game?"

"Of course! I'd rather they did anything else that night! I wish Mom had to work late. I wish Katie had been grounded. I wish...I wish it wasn't my stupid championship game, that they weren't so proud of me and excited that it got them fucking killed!" All truth, no lies. That was the worst way to run a mission.

Carlos shook his head, knowing better than to look at Kendall right then; Kendall deserved the privacy of his own grief, and he knew Kendall would give him the same courtesy. "Don't wish that. There's nothing better than having a family that loves you and is proud of you. I'd give anything for that."

"But it got them killed."

"I know," Carlos nodded. "Love got my sister killed, too. Not so much my parents, they dug their own graves, but my sister...and my uncle. His love for me is going to get him killed. I'd rather love them and die, though, than not care and be lonely. Because when my sister was alive, she was my best friend. She was everything to me. And I'm glad I made those memories with her before she died. Everybody dies at some point. It's not fair in cases like your mom and sister, or my sister. Or even my aunt. She was the greatest," he laughed, lifting a fist to clear away a stray tear that had come out of nowhere. "But love them while they're here. Don't wish they didn't care, because then what's the point of even living?"

Kendall didn't want to hear words of wisdom from this man. He wanted to hate him and blame him for all of it. Instead he sank down next to Carlos, who immediately pulled him close and offered the consolation he was able to. "I miss them," Kendall admitted. "I'd give anything to have them back."

"I know. I would, too. All we can do is try to live a life they'd be proud of. I'm working on that, on finding a way to be the kind of man my sister and aunt always wanted me to be. You're working on it in your own way. Why did you really move here?"

The words came easily to Kendall because even though they weren't the answer to this exact question, they were the truth. "I moved away from home because the memories were too hard. I saw them everywhere. I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Write that book, Kendall. Finish it and make them proud."

When Carlos held out a hand, Kendall passed over the papers. This was ridiculous, he wasn't even an author. Carlos had no idea what he was talking about. What would his sister think of him writing novels? What would his mother?

A shocked laugh erupted when he realized that his mother would be ecstatic. He was writing the type of story his mother swooned over. She'd always been a sucker for romance in a dangerous setting. And Katie? Well...she'd roll her eyes. Right before she patted Kendall on the back and said, "Nice job, bro. I didn't see that ending coming."

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Kendall mumbled, clearing his throat and wiping his eyes. "I'm gonna uh...I can't sit here while you read that. I'm too nervous." He stood up.

"Don't be gone long."

"I won't." Moving as if on autopilot, Kendall picked up the root beer cans they'd never finished and ventured inside, praying James and Logan wouldn't be naked on the kitchen table.

The kitchen was deserted. He heard voices coming from the dining room and ignored them for the moment, getting himself under control while dumping out soda. What the hell had come over him out there? He was supposed to be gathering information, not crying while offering his own. "This mission is so fucked," he muttered.

"You're tense. What's going on?"

The question from the dining room had Kendall pausing in the act of tossing empty cans. He waited for Logan's answer.

"I just...I don't feel like we're safe here."

"Babe, I told you why this is the safest place for us."

"I know that, I just..."

Kendall silently moved closer to the door separating him from the dining room, pushing it open a crack in order to hear better.

"We should go get Carlos." This from Logan.

"What? No, they need to talk this out. Just like we did."

"It's a mistake. Kendall really isn't capable of handling all this, he's not going to take it well. I don't think Carlos should tell him everything."

James' voice was wary when he replied. "What are you afraid he's gonna do? He wouldn't like...turn us in, would he?"

"Honestly, I don't know what he'll do. I just know that we're safer away from...all of this."

Oh, this was too much. Now Logan was trying to sabotage his mission? Kendall shoved the door open all the way and stepped through it, meeting Logan's gaze before his partner looked away guiltily. "What, you two aren't naked yet? I'm shocked."

"We're making a list of groceries," Logan mumbled.

"Where's Carlos?"

Of course that would be James' concern. "He's fine, I'm going right back out there. Logan, could I have a word with you in the kitchen?"

"Um...actually, we need to get this finished up, the delivery company has a cutoff time, so..."

"This won't take long."

"Kendall, really, we should—"

"Talk. In the kitchen. Now."

"He told you," James assumed with a sigh. "Everything. And now you're freaking out."

"No, he actually hasn't told me anything yet. He's still reading my prologue. But fine, Logan, if you want to have this talk here, we will. Let's start with—"

"Okay, okay, fine!" Logan jumped up in a panic, rudely shoving Kendall back toward the kitchen. "We'll talk in—"

"Kendall!"

The loud yell had everyone freezing for two seconds before James and Kendall were moving, both tearing through the kitchen to save Carlos.

It wasn't a scared face that greeted them on the porch, though, but an excited one. "Kendall! Did he get shot?!"

"What?"

"Who?" James wanted to know, immediately on alert and reaching for his knife as he stared around the backyard.

"Steel! You said he ducked and then it stops! Just tell me, did he get shot or not? He can't let Gina die, dude!"

Having hung back in the doorway, Logan smirked up at Kendall. "Told ya," he mouthed.

"Dammit, Carlos," James scolded. "You scared the fuck out of me. Don't yell unless your life is in danger!"

"Sorry, bro, but this shit is good! Here, read it!"

Kendall snatched the papers away from Carlos as they were being passed over. "Nope. Sorry, James, it was hard enough showing it to Carlos."

"It's fine, I don't care, just...Carlos, seriously. That was not cool."

"Sorry." This time Carlos seemed to be sincere in that. "Does he, though?" he asked after turning his attention back to Kendall. "Does he save her?"

"I hadn't gotten that far. Not even in my head. I'm debating both scenarios."

"No, dude, he has to save her. He loves her!"

"Well, we just had a discussion about how sometimes love isn't enough to save someone; sometimes it gets you killed instead."

Carlos' face shut down. "Right."

"So...we'll see how it goes."

James had stepped past Logan and into the house, but he paused now and slid his arms around Logan's waist to hug him from behind. "Well, I haven't even read it, and you didn't ask for my opinion, but...I vote for the happy ending. At some point there has to be a happy ending, right?"

Logan's eyes fell closed. He tightened James' grip on him and whispered, "Please God."

After a brief inner debate, Kendall held out the papers. James wasn't a secret agent, but he was in a similar position as Jack Steel. "Would you read it for me? Give me your honest opinion?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Is it believable? Is it really any good?"

James met the hope in Kendall's eyes with a firm nod. "I'll tell you the truth."

"That's what I need."

"Now hold on," Logan complained. "If he gets to read it, so do I. I _am_ your best friend, after all."

 _Are you really?_ Though Kendall kept the words to himself, Logan read the meaning in his eyes loud and clear. "Fine. Read it. Maybe you can be my editor, help me when I need it." When Logan started to move away, Kendall added, "But Logan. I expect you to work with me. Not against me."

Hearing the underlying threat, Logan swallowed. "As long as you're true to yourself, that won't be a problem. Just...let your heart guide you."

James squeezed his shoulder. "We need to finish this, babe. Dinner will take a few hours, so..."

"Yeah."

Carlos went back to the swing. James gently pulled Logan toward the dining room. Logan looked back once, meeting Kendall's gaze and silently pleading, "Please."

Kendall said nothing.

* * *

Kendall dropped a hand on Carlos' shoulder to stop him from sitting. "Let's try something new."

"New?" Carlos spun back, brows drawn together.

Without explaining, Kendall sat sideways on the swing. He stretched his legs out across the cushion and reached for the blanket but didn't put it in place. "Your turn," he invited, waving Carlos closer.

"Not much room left for me, but I can make it work."

Carlos faced the swing, then lowered himself over Kendall so that Kendall provided the cushion to his shorter body. Only when Carlos' head was resting on his chest did Kendall settle the blanket over them, and once that was done he hugged Carlos against him. "Now I have you trapped. Talk."

"I could escape."

"Maybe. But do you really want to?"

After letting out a contented sigh, Carlos admitted, "No."

"Then my plan is working." They giggled before Kendall pressed a kiss to black hair. "Whenever you're ready."

"It's just hard," Carlos stated a full minute later. "Talking about it."

"I know. The hardest thing you'll ever talk about."

"Yeah. If I cry will you make fun of me?"

"You've already cried in front of me twice. Did I make fun of you either time?"

"No. I wish you had."

"Why?" Kendall asked in confusion.

"Because then I could hate you."

There was a smile followed by another kiss to Carlos' hair. "You could never hate me."

"I hate you for that reason alone."

Kendall chuckled.

"I don't know where to start."

"How about...your parents. What exactly were they into and how did they get that way?"

"I don't know all of that. I know enough, I guess, but...it started with my dad."

"Your dad?" Kendall echoed in surprise. "Not your uncle?"

"No. My uncle actually took over when my dad...you know."

"Right. And let's just get it out in the open. We are talking about drugs, right?"

Carlos tensed, Kendall hugging him tighter to give him the courage to answer. "I don't do them."

"But you sell them?"

"I..."

Kendall's heart sped up. Of course Carlos admitting to that was nothing, really, as they already knew he did. Still, it was confirmation from the source.

"I'm kind of the middleman. I don't actually...I mean...hell, who am I kidding? I may not touch the drugs or the money, but without me the deals don't get made."

"So you're...the supplier?"

"I'm the guy who arranges the deals. Not like every deal on the street, nothing like that. I'm kind of...my uncle's representative, I guess. It's too dangerous for him to meet directly with clients, so I take care of it. And I do it to keep him alive."

Kendall swallowed hard. That hadn't been at all what he was expecting. "So you meet with people. Like that...what was his name? Your first?"

"Jeremy. He was a new client."

"And you convinced him to do business with your uncle."

"I closed the deal. Set it in motion."

One of Kendall's hands drifted up so that he could pinch the bridge of his nose. A headache was coming on. "Start from the beginning."

"You hate me yet?"

"I could never hate you," Kendall whispered.

Carlos braced himself, then let the words flow. "My dad was into drugs. Heavy into drugs."

"Was your mom?"

"I think so. I don't really know for sure, I think she stopped when she found out she was gonna have us. Me and Cristina. We're twins. Or...were."

Kendall nodded.

"But Dad stopped doing them, too. He decided it was smarter to be the one selling them than buying them. I don't really know how my uncle got involved. As far as I know, he's never touched the stuff. I think he was more the...brains behind the operation, so to speak. My uncle's really smart."

 _Luis Garcia is one of the smartest men I've ever known._ James' words floated back now.

"For all I know, he got involved to keep my dad safe. He would do that. But it was my dad's thing, and when he died, it was natural that my uncle took over. It's sad, because he told me once that his dream was to be a musician. He loves music and art, has paintings everywhere in his place. He has this room where he goes to hide from everyone when the stress gets to be too much, and there's a piano in there. I've never heard him play but my sister did, and she said he was really good. It sucks that instead of doing all that, he had to take care of us and a business he never cared about."

And again, this was not at all what Kendall had expected to hear. Why couldn't Luis be the horrible man he'd been excited about taking down? Why couldn't Carlos?

"He took us in when my parents were killed. A lot of it's fuzzy in my head, but I remember I used to have bad nightmares and my aunt was always right there running in to make sure I was okay."

"Where was Cristina?"

"In her room. It was kind of a suite, we had a common room that was like a living room and then we each had our own bedroom. I don't know how my aunt always knew when I was crying. But she did, and if it wasn't for her I don't think I would've survived without losing my mind."

"Was she part of the business?"

"Not directly. She died when we were fourteen, so I didn't know a lot about the business by then. My uncle was never the same after she died. Still sharp as ever, but his heart wasn't in it. It's like part of him died with her."

There was no mention of a wife in any of the paperwork he'd read about Garcia. "What happened?"

"It was cancer. She died young. We weren't allowed to see her a lot at the end. There were so many nurses in and out, and even though I was only fourteen, my uncle sent me into meetings with his crew. I was just there to listen and report back to him. After she died, though...he wasn't good for much, not for awhile. So it just kind of...I don't know. Snowballed. By the time I was sixteen, I was making decisions about the business. Big decisions. Obviously my uncle had final say in everything, but he was leaning on me more and more to help run things and...he was so lonely. Not like he missed sex, nothing like that. He just...my aunt was his other half. The good part of his life. He loved us, treated us like his kids, but...you know?"

"I can imagine," Kendall murmured. "Where was Cristina while all this was going on?"

"Getting tutored with me. Learning. My uncle taught her to paint and he'd usually allow her to go into his secret room and do that. She liked that. And she was really good. She was never happy, though."

"Why not?"

"She hated our lives. Felt like we were trapped there. I mean, at least I got out here and there to go set up deals. I got to see some of the world, met people and experienced things. She was confined to that house. Always called it 'the prison' and talked about how she had no future. It was hard, I hated that she was so unhappy but I didn't know how to change it. If we left there, we had nothing. We were completely dependent on my uncle."

"And you worried about keeping him safe."

"Always," Carlos confirmed. "He's got some people working for him that I still don't trust. I hate being away from him."

"How often do you talk to him?" Kendall knew the answer to that.

"Every day. I need to know he's okay."

"I'm sure he needs the same."

"Yeah. We uh..."

When Carlos trailed off, Kendall hugged him tighter for a second. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Carlos, no secrets."

"There are things I can't talk about. Not even to James."

"Really?" This was interesting. "What would you possibly have to hide from James? He's your bodyguard, right? Did your uncle hire him?"

"That's...not my story to tell. But basically, yeah, he's here to protect me."

"Do you have any reason to not trust him?"

"No. He's the most reliable person I've ever met. Except of course when he runs off to fuck the neighbor behind my back. That's not reliable."

Quiet laughter rumbled up Kendall's chest. "When you're in love..."

"You know what's funny? He got mad at me for wanting to see you. Told me there's no way I could be in love because we didn't know each other. Whether that's true or not, the second he met Logan it was like a switch was flipped. All the things he said to me were forgotten. Now it's his fault we're sitting here right now."

"Remind me to thank him."

Carlos shook his head, rubbing a chilled nose against Kendall's neck. "I don't even know who he is anymore. But that's not why I can't tell him everything. It's more that I'm afraid he might be right, that our house is probably under surveillance."

Kendall went numb. "By the enemy?" he managed.

"Or the feds. I thought he was being paranoid to think that, but the more time that passes the more I wonder if he's right. That's why we're having this talk here, why you can't come into my house. Because if he _is_ right, I'm sure there's enough evidence already to take me in, and I don't want you involved in any way. Do you understand me?"

Rather than answer, Kendall licked his lips.

"I mean it, Kendall. I can't help the life I grew up in, I had no control over that. I already lost my parents and my sister. I'm not losing you, too. So if our plans work out and I get free from all this one day, I don't want a target on your back. I want you to be just some random guy I met innocently that I fell in love with and...that's it. You don't know anything. I'll have to change my name and set up a new life, somewhere far away. I don't expect you to come with me."

"Is this...Carlos, are you already working on this?"

"I'm not answering that."

"Hang on, you can't just..." Kendall sat up, gently pushing Carlos away. "Are you serious? You're gonna run?"

"I told you, I'm not talking about it. It's too dangerous to think about right now, there's shit going on within the organization and it's a touchy situation. But I hate what I do, I hate what it does to other people, and I can't do it anymore. My goal is to get my uncle out and take him somewhere safe, where nobody can find him."

"What about you? Does that leave you to take over the business?"

"I'm working on it. Just...I told you this was temporary. I'm not gonna be here forever."

Kendall could hardly think straight. Carlos didn't want the business. Carlos wanted to run away. To live a life where he didn't hurt people, where his uncle was safe. His uncle, a man who wanted only to make music. "James doesn't know about any of this?"

"There's nothing to know."

"Bullshit. You wouldn't have told me about it if it wasn't already in the works. Why are you telling me now?"

Carlos pulled the blanket up to his neck, a strong breeze causing him to shiver as he finally met Kendall's gaze. "Because all my life, I've had one real dream. I didn't think it existed. I know now that it does, and that there's a chance I could have it. I really don't expect you to come with me. There's too much baggage and you'd live the rest of your life in fear that we might be found. It's not the kind of life a guy like you should live."

Kendall couldn't bring himself to speak.

"But my sister once told me to never stop believing, to never stop hoping. She had a kid, did you know that? I don't know how much James actually told Logan, but Emily was their kid together. That kid was her ticket to freedom, and having something to love that was so perfect and so beautiful kept her going. I found something like that and it's stupid to think it could go anywhere. The cards just aren't in our favor. But dammit, Kendall, when I look at you, I feel that hope and I know that there is such a thing as a happy ending. There is so much beauty in the world. The smartest thing you could do right now is to walk away. Just...go back home or find a new place without the memories. Get as far away from me as you can because all I do is bring death and misery. I wouldn't hate you for it."

"Carlos..."

"I hate myself instead, for wishing that you wouldn't do that. For being so selfish and wanting you to stay with me so I don't have to be alone anymore, so I can have that love that keeps a person going. That makes life worth living. I just want...you."

Kendall's hand was trembling when he lifted it to Carlos' cheek, where a thumb wiped away a tear before sliding gently over Carlos' bottom lip. "I do love you."

"Enough to stay?"

He was numb again. Kendall couldn't even think well enough to breathe properly.

"Don't answer that yet. It's not something you should decide in two seconds. Just promise me we can spend tonight together, have dinner like normal people and then love me all night. Can you do that for me?"

"Is there a plan in place?"

"Almost. I'm so close."

Still there was no real answer. Carlos leaned in to kiss Kendall gently, Kendall's breath finally leaving him.

"Love me," Carlos begged.

"That much I can promise." One truth, no lies.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

A shorter chapter than usual, but we've reached a major milestone in this story. Things start moving really fast after this chapter. Curious to hear what you guys think Kendall should do. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

* * *

"It's good," was how James greeted them when they stepped into the dining room. He held the papers in his hand, Logan nowhere to be found.

"Right?!" Carlos exclaimed. "Seriously, babe, you need to get more written so we know what happens."

Kendall stopped next to Carlos, studying James to see if he was being genuine. "You really think so?"

"Yeah. I used to know this lady—really sweet woman—and her eyes were starting to get bad so I'd read books to her. This is the sort of thing she was into and I guarantee she would've loved this. I can see you don't really believe in yourself when it comes to writing, but I'm telling you—you have a gift. I was pissed when it just...stopped."

Carlos nodded. "Me, too! See, Kendall? We all want to know what happens next."

"Logan really liked it, too," James added.

"Where is he?"

"Kitchen. He's ordering the groceries and wanted to see what we already have."

 _We._ Just as James said earlier, they'd become a team. It was a lot to take in, Kendall's head all over the place. This was what he'd wanted, to be included and trusted. He still didn't have the location of the manufacturing facility, but it was only a matter of time. In his mind, he'd pretty much succeeded in the mission.

So why did he feel nauseous thinking about it?

"I'm gonna go talk to him for a second."

"Tell him I need Twinkies!" Carlos called after Kendall, who chuckled as he passed through the swinging door.

Logan was busy tapping his phone screen, face in deep concentration. When he realized he wasn't alone he started, then relief flooded his features. "It's just you."

"What's going on?" Kendall whispered.

"Director wants an update tonight," Logan said quietly. "He said he texted you but got no answer. I told him we have to be careful now that they're basically living with us."

Kendall nodded slowly.

"Did he tell you everything?"

"Enough."

"The facility?"

"No," Kendall answered. "I um..." He trailed off, hand going to back of his neck and rubbing as if that would help ease the headache. "I'm..."

"Conflicted?"

"Confused."

Logan hefted himself up onto the counter. "Welcome to my world."

Kendall moved to lean against the counter so he could speak quietly. "He's gonna run."

Blinking repeatedly, Logan stared down at Kendall. "Run?"

"He's working out a plan. He wants to take Luis and run."

"James didn't tell me that."

"James doesn't know."

Logan's stomach turned. "Is he planning to take James with them?"

"I think so. Um...what do we do?" When Logan hesitated, Kendall glanced up. "Why are you turning James against me?"

"Because I don't trust you."

"Seriously? When did that change?"

"When I decided I don't want to do this anymore."

"This mission?"

"This job."

Kendall swallowed. "Logan, we need to—"

Perhaps having heard something outside the door, Logan quickly changed his phone screen back to the delivery app and pretended to be engrossed in that. Sure enough, the swinging door opened to reveal James. "Almost done?"

"Just about to check out," Logan smiled.

"Oh, Carlos wanted Twinkies," Kendall shared.

"Twinkies it is," he laughed. "Anything special you want? We're ordering enough to last three days. We figured we'd have an actual plan in place by then."

Kendall shrugged. "I'm good with whatever. Maybe a few more frozen burritos."

"How can you eat that crap?" James wondered. "Do you know how much sodium and preservatives they load those up with?"

Kendall spun to face James, leaning back against the counter. "Do _you_ know how good those are with Tapatio and a little cheese melted over the top?"

"Tapatio," Logan nodded. "Adding that to the list. Kendall, here. Pick out what flavors you want for the burritos." He passed the phone over, not at all surprised to note Kendall switching to the text screen. "So..." he smirked at James. "It'll be about an hour before the groceries get here. We're gonna be busy cooking most of the evening, is there anything in particular you'd like to do while we wait?"

"You mean like...you?"

"Yeah, I was pretty much hoping you'd go in that direction."

"Send that order and meet me in the bedroom."

Logan's mouth went dry at the commanding tone, his body suddenly on high alert. "Be ready for me."

The way James' face changed had Logan biting his lip. With a nod he disappeared, Logan groaning softly. "Fuck, he's gonna kill me."

"I told him we'd be in touch tonight. I'll tell Carlos I'm feeling inspired or something and escape to my office."

"Huh?"

"Director. Logan. Focus."

"Okay sorry, I have a naked hot guy waiting for me in my bed, it's a little hard to think about anything else right now."

Kendall passed the phone back. "We need time to talk this out. I don't know how we're gonna manage that."

"I don't either. Maybe they'll run over to check on the stash at some point."

"I can make that happen. Dude...I know you don't trust me right now, you think I'm ready to just throw them to the wolves, but—"

"Aren't you? You realize the second we get what the Bureau wants, they'll take down the entire organization and Carlos will be right at the center of it all."

"I know," Kendall nodded. "That's why we need to talk. I...I don't know what to do."

"Are you saying there's a chance you won't be working to bring them down?"

"I'm saying...I'm confused and my feelings are a mess and I...I think I'm in love with Carlos."

Though Logan said nothing about that, he knew how hard it was for Kendall to admit it and reached out to squeeze Kendall's hand. "Just promise me this. Talk to me before you tell the director anything. We'll figure it out together."

"He asked me to come with him."

That shocked Logan into silence.

"I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to go with him?"

"I don't know. I just...I want him to be happy."

With a soft smile Logan slid an arm around Kendall's shoulders and hugged him closer from the side. "Now you get me. Convince them to go check on the house tonight and we'll talk this out." Logan tapped a few buttons on his screen, sending the grocery order through before hopping off the counter. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a beautiful man waiting for me to fuck his brains out and I don't want to let him down. If you need us in the next hour...don't."

Kendall shook his head as he watched Logan disappear behind the door. Yeah, he got Logan now. Things had been so much easier when it was all black and white.

* * *

When Kendall returned to the dining room, Carlos glanced up from the page he'd been reading over. A shield came up to hide his emotions. "You doing okay?"

"I'm..." Kendall sat across from Carlos, noting the gun near his elbow. "A lot of things."

"I know it's a lot to take in."

"I just...the truth is I'm really confused right now about my feelings and my future."

Carlos nodded. "You shouldn't change your life for me."

Resting his chin on one hand, Kendall stared into Carlos' gaze. "Is there something better to change your life for than love?"

Carlos shrugged, a wan smile appearing. "I guess that's true. But babe...it's been like two days. You can't base your entire future on what you're feeling for someone after two days."

"You did."

"What?"

"You told me everything. You invited me along. That's affecting your entire future."

"I'm an idiot."

"Well, at least I'm not alone in that."

When Carlos chuckled, Kendall reached out to twine their fingers.

"My life would be set if I stayed with the organization. I'd still have to watch my back, but I'd have protection all around me and more money than I could dream of. Men in my bed every night, people doing whatever I ask."

There was a twinge in Kendall's gut at the thought of other men in Carlos' bed. "Sounds like the life."

"It's not. It's never been what I wanted."

"What _do_ you want? I mean, when you were a kid, what did you dream of becoming?"

"Nothing really. From the time I was five, I had no choice over my future."

"And there was never anything? In all that time, nothing stood out to you and said, 'Wow, this would be fun to do for the rest of my life'?"

"I don't know. I never thought about it. I knew what I would be doing for the rest of my life."

Kendall's head tilted, gaze not showing any mercy. "I don't buy that. Everybody has a dream."

"What was yours? Before the bad stuff. What were you going to do with your life?"

"I wasn't sure," Kendall admitted. "I couldn't decide between basketball and hockey."

"I bet you were great at both."

"I was," Kendall nodded. "Your turn."

"What makes you so sure—"

"Spill."

With a defeated sigh, Carlos leaned back, letting go of Kendall's hand. "There was nothing when I was a kid."

"And after that?"

"It's dumb."

"Nothing's dumb if it's what you want. Tell me, Carlos. What would you like to be doing with your life?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Two things. I'd like to be married and have a kid or two. My niece...she's the best. I think spending time with her was my favorite thing until I met you."

 _Emily._ "You got any pictures of her?"

Though Carlos hesitated, he finally whipped out his phone and called up the photos. "Not too many, but..."

Kendall's heart squeezed when he spied the little girl with the chubby cheeks and big hazel eyes. Carlos looked no different, but James did. It wasn't anything in his hair or appearance; the difference was his eyes. "James looks so happy."

"He was. Emily was everything to him."

"What happened to her?"

"She uh...went to a better family. One that could protect her."

"I'm sure that was tough on everyone involved."

"You have no idea."

Kendall nodded slowly, scrolling through and stopping at a picture of Carlos with a young woman who shared the same mischievous brown eyes. "This has to be your sister."

"That's Cristina," Carlos smiled. "My other half. Nobody understood me better than she did."

Without asking, Kendall rose from his chair and moved to the other side of the table where he could place a soothing arm around Carlos' shoulders. "She's beautiful."

"I miss her."

"I know." Before he could talk himself out of it, Kendall reached into a pocket for his own phone. It was a huge risk, as any text popping up now could ruin everything, but Kendall needed to share. "This is Katie."

"Oh, she looks like trouble," Carlos laughed. "Just like Cristina, like she's about to do something sneaky."

"She probably was in that moment," Kendall grinned. He switched to a family portrait his mother had insisted on for their last Christmas, the pain still there but muted now. It somehow helped to share them with Carlos.

"Is that your mom? Dude, she's a fox."

"Carlos, please."

"Sorry. But she's pretty."

"She was," he agreed. "One of the kindest people I ever knew."

"That's where you get it from, huh?"

Kendall blinked a tear away before glancing down at Carlos. "Get what?"

"Your kindness. It's one of the things I love about you. You're just...a genuinely decent and good person."

"I'm not."

"You are." Carlos tipped Kendall's chin down for a gentle kiss. "And I won't let that change."

After clearing his throat, Kendall pocketed his phone again. "So that's your two things? Marriage and kids?"

"No, that's one. I consider that a package deal."

Kendall didn't know what to say other than, "What's the other?"

"This is the dumb one."

"Lay it on me."

Carlos braced himself, then let out a breath. "Okay. See this right here?"

When Kendall looked at Carlos' phone screen again, he saw a picture of Emily sitting on her uncle's lap with a children's book open on hers.

"That's me reading her a book."

"Right," Kendall nodded. "It's freaking adorable."

"Well...see how happy I look?"

"Yeah." Kendall so wished Carlos could have that again.

"It's not just because of Emily. I mean, part of it is, but it's also because reading those books to her was like...the best thing ever."

"Because of her reactions?"

"Sort of. Mostly I just liked..."

"What?" Kendall prompted, intrigued by Carlos' reddening cheeks.

"I loved the books. Not just the stories, but the pictures. I was a grown man but I loved everything about those stupid books. _Especially_ the pictures."

It was starting to click. "Babe...do you have artistic talent I don't know about?"

"I love to draw," Carlos admitted. "Cristina's thing was painting. For me it was always drawing, creating weird little monsters and making up stories about them."

"Making up...stories?"

"Please don't laugh at me."

"No, I'm not, I just...isn't that interesting? We both like telling stories."

Carlos grinned, happiness over the fact that instead of laughing Kendall understood. "Exactly! I know our themes are very different, but I think it would be really cool to do what you do. Write books. Only in my case, I'd illustrate them, too. Imagine how many kids I could make happy, even if it's just for ten minutes at a time."

Something cracked inside Kendall. There had been a wall he was trying to keep up between his heart and this man, and that wall was the mission. He'd been conflicted, not sure what was right and what was wrong, but suddenly there was no question. This man wasn't bad. His deepest wish was to make children happy.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Carlos asked, fear lacing his voice. "Say something."

Kendall didn't know what to say. Instead he captured Carlos' mouth with his own, feeling that wall crumble into dust as they shared the deepest kiss Kendall had ever known. "I love you," he finally whispered.

"Come with me. I have a plan, we can make this work."

Swallowing hard, Kendall protested, "Your uncle—"

"He'll understand when I tell him I fell in love. When he meets you...he'll love you, Kendall. Come write books with me, we can publish them under pseudonyms and—"

A buzzing cut off Carlos' words. He glanced down at his screen and muttered, "Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"Hang on."

Before Kendall could peek at the phone, Carlos pulled himself away enough to comfortably place a call. "Come on, come on, I know you're busy but—hey. There's a problem in Seabrook. No, I can't go, but I need to get in touch and get the whole story. Okay, we leave in three minutes. Don't argue with me."

"Leave?" Kendall echoed, watching Carlos pocket the phone with a grim expression. "Who was that?"

"James. We're gonna head back to the house."

"No, the whole point is for us to stay together."

"You guys should be okay for a little bit. Just...stay inside." Carlos was already rising from his chair.

"Take us with you."

"That's the worst place you guys could be. You don't need to be in that house."

"Dammit, Carlos, don't shut me out! You fucking just asked me to run away with you and make a new life! You have to let me in!"

"A new life," Carlos agreed, dipping back to kiss Kendall lightly. "There are still some things about the current one I don't want you involved in."

"That's not fair! At least tell me what Seabrook is."

Hearing a door open down the hall, Carlos looked toward the sound before replying. "It's the source of all my troubles. That's all you need to know. You ready?" he asked as James stepped into the room, hair a mess but expression alert and on edge.

"Logan knows to stay in the house. Kendall? I'm counting on you."

"And I'm counting on you. I swear if you let anything happen to him—"

"The same goes double for me. Keep him safe."

They were jogging toward the sidewalk when Logan appeared in the living room, just as disheveled as James had been. "What happened?"

"There was some sort of problem. Carlos got a text."

"What did it say?"

"I didn't see it. But...Logan..."

"What?"

Kendall shut the door and spun around to lean against it, face white as a ghost. "I know where the facility is."


	31. Chapter 31

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I'm back. I actually wasn't planning to post anything today but I suddenly realized it's already Wednesday, which means tomorrow I will too busy preparing for a houseguest and working to do this. And then my guest will be here for five days, so I probably won't have time to post at all then, either. I'm sorry to leave this where I did and then make you wait so long for the next chapter, it just worked out that way. Love you guys! Mean it! :D

There are only three chapters left of this story after this one. Or maybe two, I can't decide if I should break up the epilogue or not. Either way, this one's almost done and I'm so grateful to everyone who's been reading along. Thank you. :)

* * *

They made it to the office, where Logan steered a wide-eyed Kendall to his chair before reaching out to turn on the monitor they usually used for the living room feed. "Close the door," Kendall had the presence of mind to order. "You never know."

Logan did, then sank down next to him. "They won't be gone long."

"I know."

Carlos had his phone pressed to his ear and was pacing while James sat restlessly on an arm of the sofa, foot tapping in a fast rhythm. Whether it was due to whatever had happened at the facility or his nerves over leaving them alone, they didn't know, but Logan guessed it was the latter when he realized Carlos was speaking Spanish. Unless... "Do you think James knows Spanish?"

"I have no idea. But this is useless, we can't understand anything, and...Logan..." Kendall scrubbed his face, hands shoving up into his hair. "I'm..."

Though he kept one eye on the monitor, Logan turned to Kendall. "Okay, talk to me. He told you where it is?"

"Sort of. I'm positive, though. I just...I could end it. Right now. We have what we need. We did it. We completed the mission."

A chill swept through Logan at the realization that Kendall now had the power to take down Carlos and James. The Bureau would have what they needed; there was no longer a reason to keep either of them out of jail. He shook his head. _"You_ did it. I honestly don't care about the mission and haven't since yesterday."

"I know."

"Kendall, I know this is what you wanted from the start. I know that's why we're here. But—"

"I don't know what to do."

That brought Logan up short, and when he turned all of his attention to Kendall, he saw what he hadn't before—Kendall was again conflicted. "Oh my god. You don't want to give the director the information."

"I have to. I was ordered to."

"Tell me, Kendall. What happens if you do?"

"You know what."

"Say it out loud."

Kendall shook his head, moisture gathering in his eyes.

Logan leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he said softly, "You love him."

Kendall nodded, the moisture spilling over.

"You have the power to end his life, basically. To put him away forever."

Now Kendall's lips were trembling. They moved but no words came out.

"Can you live with yourself if that happens? Can you live every day knowing that he never got the normal life he wanted?"

"Children's books," Kendall whispered, one sob leaving him before he got it under control. "He wants to write children's books."

Logan couldn't help but smile at the notion.

"What do I do?" Kendall asked. "Logan, I don't know what to do."

"You have to do what you can live with. What does your heart tell you?"

"I want to be with him. It would never work, there's no way I could hide and get away with it but I want that life with him, I want—"

"We could make it work."

"How?"

"I've been thinking. My first reaction was to run with them, just disappear right now without a trace. I can make that happen, I still have access to government sites. We have the power to make entire identities disappear. All public records...birth, DMV, taxes...it's like you were never born."

Kendall cleared his throat and fisted away a few tears, waiting for Logan to continue.

"But the second I do that, there goes my access because they know what I'm up to. So the smarter thing to do would be to let them run and we go to them later. We stay here and tie up loose ends, make sure the Bureau has no idea where they went, set everything up to make them disappear. You quit, I quit, we go to them."

"You can't quit."

"I'll find a way. Even if I have to fake some sort of mental breakdown from the stress. I'll get out."

"What do I tell the director, though? What if I don't tell him what I know and then they somehow find Seabrook and go in before we have a chance to run?"

Logan bit his lip, not having considered that.

Kendall came up with the answer. "I give him the wrong place."

"What?"

"I tell him the wrong place. Then the Bureau focuses their energy on another town and that buys us time. By the time they realize it was the wrong place, which I can easily say Carlos purposely misdirected me to, we'll have our plans in place and be gone. Maybe." Sudden doubt flooded Kendall. "Logan, can we really pull this off?"

"I think we can. But even if we can't...it's the only thing I can do without losing my mind. I have to try, because the other choice isn't an option for me. I'm telling you right now that if you turn them in, if you give the right information, I'm going to tell them everything and get them out of here."

"James would hate you then."

"I know," Logan nodded, the idea making it hard to breathe. "But I'd rather he's far away and hating me while living the life he wants to than loving me and in some cold cell somewhere. Wouldn't you?"

Kendall's gaze skittered to the monitor, where Carlos was still on the phone. They'd traded positions, Carlos now seated in a chair while James paced; it was obvious he hated leaving Logan alone for more than a minute.

"He loves you so much."

A ghost of a smile stretched Logan's lips. "I know."

"Lucy doesn't think that's possible, you know. She says it's too soon for that, that what we're all feeling is infatuation."

Logan shrugged. "I don't really think that matters, even if it is. Because it doesn't change what we're feeling right now or the choices we make. All I care about is keeping James safe and giving him a chance to finally live his own life."

"Can he get his daughter back?"

"Not if he lives on the run. He doesn't even know where she is."

Kendall pondered that. "Can you find her?"

"It's my first priority when we get back to headquarters."

"Carlos misses her. I can tell."

Logan finally looked away from the screen to stare directly at Kendall. "What are you gonna do?"

The tears were gone. Kendall seemed stronger, or at least no longer confused. "I've learned so much on this mission. I had this idea, you know? That there are good guys and there are bad guys and the bad guys have to go down no matter what."

Though he nodded, Logan didn't speak in order to keep Kendall talking.

"I've come to realize that it's not that black and white. There's bad in some good guys, and maybe a lot of good in bad guys. I'm not saying all the bad guys are good, because we know better. We've seen a lot."

"Yeah."

"But sometimes we don't know all the facts. Sometimes you find out that the guy you thought was bent on making money and killing people to do it is actually a guy who never wanted the job in the first place and hates what he does and would rather live a life making others happy. Making _children_ happy."

Logan's gut unclenched; he knew Kendall had made his decision.

"And when you know that, when you look at that guy and know that you'd die for him, it's time to walk away. I thought I could do this job without feelings. Without heart."

"I think your heart is what's changed, Kendall. You used your heart to get where you are today. You came here because of your love for your family, and you needed to find some peace."

"Instead I found _more_ love. I can't do it to him, Logan. I just want him to be happy."

Relief escaped Logan in the form of a deep exhale while his eyes closed. They were finally back on the same team.

* * *

"What's going on?"

The sudden switch to English got both Kendall and Logan's attention back on the screen, where James was waiting for an answer to his question. Carlos held up a finger and pressed more buttons on his phone.

Kendall murmured, "Something big. He's tense, I can see it. Scared."

Logan could see it, too. James' pacing had stopped and he now waited impatiently with his arms crossed over his chest while at the same time on high alert of their surroundings. He _had_ remembered to take the knife, right? It was probably in the pocket of his pants.

" _Tio._ It's time." Carlos paused, only to soon interrupt whatever his uncle was saying. "No, we can't wait anymore. Seabrook's been compromised."

Wide green eyes clashed with wider brown. "Did the Bureau find it before we...?" Kendall whispered.

"Listen to me, Uncle Luis, we don't have a choice! They infiltrated us! No, not the feds, Johnny's guys! They want me to fly out there right now, I can't do it. I'm done, _tio!_ I'm sorry, I know we needed a little more time but we don't have it. If we don't go now, we're not going to. You know the next step will be to come after you, so either you come with me and James now, or we go there to protect you."

Now James was moving from window to window, room to room.

"I don't care, I'll do what it takes to keep you safe. If I die trying, so be it."

"Carlos," Kendall sighed. "Don't play the hero, just get the fuck out."

"He's saying that on purpose," Logan guessed. "To force Luis to run. He knows his uncle won't purposely put him in danger."

"Look, we don't have time for this! The second they have Seabrook under control, you're next! Are you coming here or are we going there? I need an answer now."

Both Kendall and Logan held their breaths for an indication of that answer.

"Okay. Take David with you. No, not Gabe. I know he's a good man, _tio,_ but you have to trust me on this. Not Gabe and not Javier. I'll explain after you get here, just take David! Promise me!"

James returned to the living room then, possibly drawn back by the hysteria rising in Carlos' voice. He placed a comforting hand on Carlos' shoulder.

"We'll be ready. Come to the house two doors down from ours. I'll text you the address. Yes, it's safe. Safer than where we are right now. Uncle Luis, I swear I'll explain everything, just get here! Grab your evac bag and get here!" Carlos' eyes fell closed at whatever his uncle asked next. "Yeah," he answered softly. "It's here in the living room. I'll make sure we have it. Okay. I love you. Yeah. See you in a few hours."

When Carlos ended the call, there were tears he was fighting. "Grab the painting."

James nodded, silently going to the wall and removing it from its hooks.

"Is there money in that thing?" Kendall wanted to know.

"Cristina painted it. It was a present for James." Suddenly the enormity of their situation hit Logan and he struggled for air. "They're leaving."

The look in Kendall's eyes matched his own. "I'm not ready to say goodbye, we only just..."

"We have to make sure they get away."

"Luis is coming here."

"Holy shit," Logan breathed. "Okay, get out. Lock this door, they can't know about this room under any circumstances. Did we decide? Are we running with them?"

"We'll follow. We have some loose ends to tie up here and then we'll walk away and find them wherever they are."

"What about Lucy? She'll see right through us."

"We'll worry about her when we have to."

"Okay." Trying to find some sort of calm, Logan dug deep. "The most important thing is to get them out of here safely. We'll figure out the rest later."

"Agreed. Just..."

Kendall reached out to start flipping off monitors. He paused on the last one, which showed Carlos quickly throwing clothing into a suitcase. This was it. No more watching Carlos eat breakfast, no more listening to him laugh over a silly comedy. No more security in the vision of Carlos safe and sound every second. The idea of it stole his breath away as panic set in.

"Come on," Logan urged gently.

"This is it."

"I know. I'm fighting really hard not to break down so I need you to work with me. The idea of not being able to check in on James and know he's safe is terrifying. But we have to let them go so they can be safe. Right?"

"Yeah," Kendall nodded. He cleared his throat, then snatched a tissue from a box on the desk to rub it over his eyes. Forcing himself to get it together, he pressed the button to make the last monitor go black. "They should be here soon. We have to pretend like we don't know anything."

"Come on. Let's wait out there."

It seemed like forever before they heard movement on the porch. Kendall ran over to throw the door open before dragging Carlos and his suitcase inside. James followed with a trunk on its side in one hand, the dolphin painting in the other.

"You're leaving," Logan guessed. "Like...right now."

"As soon as my uncle gets here," Carlos confirmed, tone full of apology. "I know it's not a good idea to involve you any further, but I mean...if they don't know about you by now they're not going to. I'm sorry, Kendall, I thought there would be more time."

"Can I come find you later?"

Carlos swallowed, obviously not wanting to get his hopes up. His gaze was guarded when he asked, "Would you really do that?"

"Yes," Kendall said firmly. "We talked it over while you guys were gone, we had a feeling this was coming. We can't go now, but we want to...soon. As soon as we can get away."

James turned from where he'd set the painting against a wall, catching Logan's eye. "You were serious about that."

"One hundred percent. Two weeks maybe. A month tops. You just have to make sure we know where you're going so we can come find you."

James slowly closed the distance between them, fingers caressing Logan's cheek before his right hand cupped it. "Telling someone we just met all of our plans is the stupidest thing we could ever do." His thumb traced Logan's lips in a way that had him shivering. "Actually, I'm wrong. Falling in love with someone I just met trumps that."

Tearing his gaze from them back to Kendall, Carlos licked his lips. "I guess at some point we have to trust someone. You're one of the good guys, I can feel it." He stepped close enough to lean in and kiss Kendall softly. "I trust you."

"I love you."

"I know. The crazy part is...I love you, too. You'd give up everything for me?"

"I can write anywhere. So can you."

"We'd be hiding forever, probably. Change your name, maybe even your appearance. Which would suck, because you're perfect right now."

"I have nothing here, Carlos. My family is gone. I can walk away from everything else. What I can't walk away from is you."

"What about you?" James whispered. "What are you leaving behind? I never asked because the more I knew, the more I'd love you and...I tried to fight that."

"Don't fight it anymore. I'm going to quit my job, sell my house, and start somewhere new."

"What about your mom?"

"When I explain to my mother that I'm moving to be with the love of my life, she'll understand and be happy for me. She'll hate that she can't meet you, but...I'll figure something out about that."

"Maybe one day she can. I'd really like to meet her. She knows you're gay?"

Logan cringed at the horrible memory of his forced coming out thanks to the organization he now worked for. "She knows. And when the time comes, she'll welcome you like a son. Because you make me happy."

"You're everything I never allowed myself to dream of," James confided quietly. "Too good to be true."

Guilt threatened to suffocate Logan, but he reminded himself that he was ending the part of his life that was a betrayal to James. He pressed his lips to James' and let the peace of it soothe his conscience and his heart. "How do we find you?"

"It's all set up by my uncle," Carlos answered. "We already have somewhere to go and identities in place. By the time you guys get there, we'll have something ready for you, too."

Kendall bit his lip. "Will your uncle be mad about us?"

"Maybe at first," Carlos admitted. "He'll be mad we trusted you guys so soon."

"Once he understands that Carlos is really in love, though," James added, "he'll be dying to meet you. He always hated that Carlos couldn't live his life the way he wanted to. I think he still beats himself up over not letting Cristina do that."

"He does," Carlos agreed. "He told me that once. How long do you need?"

"How soon can we come?"

"I want time to make sure nobody knows where we are. The last thing I want to do is have you follow us only to be killed."

"Let's agree on one month," Logan suggested.

Carlos groaned. "That seems like so long to be away from you. What if you change your mind?"

"I won't," Kendall promised. "No matter what, I'll come to you." He hugged Carlos tight while kissing his hair. "Even if we have to wait longer, I'll come to you. Isn't that what you asked me? To come after you if you run?"

"Yeah," Carlos breathed, squeezing Kendall as if he was going to disappear. "You promise?"

"On my sister."

Perhaps feeling a bit of insecurity himself, James tried for a half-hearted joke. "You won't forget about me either, will you? Maybe find someone else who makes you see hearts everywhere?"

"Only you," Logan assured him, lifting up slightly to seal the promise with a kiss. "You asked me once what my type was. You're it. You're everything I've dreamed of, too."

James nodded, keeping Logan pressed against him. "I don't know how I'm supposed to survive without you for a month."

"Just survive. That's the whole point of this. Stay alive for me, okay? And keep him the same way."

"It's my job."

A loud knock at the front door had all of them jolting, Logan's heart wanting to beat out of his rib cage in terror before he realized who it was and exhaled. "Oh my god. The groceries. I totally forgot we ordered them."

"Shit," James muttered, his own nerve endings on edge. "Let me get that."

The knife was already in hand when James stepped up to the door and looked through the peephole. "What the hell, are you serious?"

"What's wrong?" Carlos was immediately on guard.

"It's the chick with the dog."

"The slut?" Kendall wondered. "Teresa? What the hell does she want?"

"Dammit," James muttered. "This is not the time."

Logan suggested, "What if we ignore it?"

"She probably saw you guys come over here just now, bags in hand," Kendall pointed out. "God, this bitch drives me insane. Is the dog with her?"

"No, but she looks...worried. Scared." James glanced back over his shoulder at Kendall. "Is she trustworthy?"

"Yeah, she's just...really nosy." Kendall approached the door. "Okay, let me get rid of her."

"Do it fast," James instructed. "We don't have time for this shit, and the delivery guy should be here any second as it is. Too many people make me nervous."

"Just get back, she can't see you over there." Kendall waited until the other three had moved deeper into the living room, where Teresa wouldn't see them unless she was a few steps inside the foyer, and then opened the door with what he hoped was a politely curious expression. "Teresa, hi." Because she did seem distraught, he added, "Is everything okay?"

"No, someone took Rocket! Rocket's gone!" She was approaching hysteria, hands wringing together in panic. "He got away from me and I started to chase him but then these guys pulled up and grabbed him and drove away! Why would someone do that?"

She collapsed into him, sobbing against his shirt while Kendall glanced back at the others helplessly. Carlos was staring back with pity, his heart going out to her even though this was a horrible time for her tragedy. Logan's face was guarded, his gaze moving to James, who had slid the knife into the back of his jeans but was still watching her with suspicion.

"Teresa, I'm so sorry. You need to call the police right away."

"I know, but I left my phone at home because it was supposed to just be a short walk and they took my purse, too! I can't even get into my house! Can I please please use your phone?" She tugged at Kendall's arm, pleading with wet eyes turned up to him. Kendall knew it was a bad idea to let anyone else see his phone but as long as she didn't leave with it, it was fine, right? He'd just make sure the door was closed, and there was no way James would let her escape should she end up being a liar.

Though why would she lie? This entire experience had turned Kendall into a suspicious, jaded person; or perhaps the murder of his family had done that first. If he couldn't even trust a woman who'd had her best friend taken from her and was devastated over it, who could he trust?

"Yeah, just come in here and close the door." Kendall pulled her further inside and did that while reaching into his pocket for the phone, realizing then that he'd stupidly left his gun in the office. The _locked_ office. Where was Carlos'? A vision came to him of it still sitting on the dining room table, where Carlos had left it in his hurry to take care of the Seabrook situation. Where was Logan's? Probably still in his bedroom, because Logan had no reason to fear James or Carlos. Or even the grocery delivery man. This assignment had made them careless, and about that James was correct—love made people stupid.

"Please make it quick, Teresa," Kendall urged. "The more time that passes, the harder it is for them to track down the kidnappers."

"I know, I just...thank you." She took the phone from Kendall, practically shaking as she tried to hold it steady enough to place the call.

All eyes were on her when Logan felt a...something. He couldn't have said what, heard not a sound, but by the time a cold blade pressed against his windpipe from behind, he knew something was wrong.

It was too late to do anything or raise an alarm.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Welcome back for the (hopefully) exciting conclusion of this story. There will be an epilogue after this (either one or two chapters), so don't hate me when this is over. It had to end this way.

So much has happened in this story but it's crazy to think that only three days have passed since the beginning of it. In the situation they're in, everything moved at the speed of light to lead them here. I've never actually written an action scene of any kind before, so hopefully this one flows well enough to make sense. If you have any questions, let me know!

Thank you for reading. :)

* * *

"Don't even move," a voice whispered directly into Logan's ear. "My associates are behind me and they will take your boyfriend down faster than you can say—"

Logan didn't hear the last word, all his focus on James because now James had felt what he did and was turning left to see Javier holding a knife against Logan's throat with one arm, the other tight around Logan's torso to keep him steady. James was halfway across the room with a sofa and a table separating them, and it felt like miles. Carlos was near Kendall to Logan's left, his attention still on Teresa, who was suddenly no longer distraught but letting out a breath of relief. Kendall was confused until James spoke in a deadly tone.

"Get your hands off him."

Only then did both Kendall and Carlos turn to take in the scene. Logan was still being held captive by Javier, who was flanked on each side by "associates." Kendall recognized neither of them, but Carlos obviously did. "Javier, don't do this. Tony, Leo...please. Let them go, they have nothing to do with this. You want me, take me. Let them go."

"Nothing to do with this?" Javier echoed with a bitter laugh. "You're so naive, Carlos. It's one of the things I love most about you, especially in moments like this. Teresa. Go home, lock your door. I'll be in touch."

Without a word Teresa dropped Kendall's phone into his hand and escaped, leaving as if it had been just a routine visit with a neighbor. At Carlos' betrayed expression, Javier shrugged. "My cousin. She's always been loyal to me. To the business."

James hadn't taken his eyes off Logan. "There's no way that's coincidence, that we moved to a street where your cousin lives."

"Not at all," Javier agreed. "Who do you think suggested this place to Luis? I knew better than to let Carlos go somewhere without supervision."

"All this time she's been your spy," Kendall realized, amazed that he'd let that slip past him. He'd been warned upon starting this mission to view everyone as a threat, but his focus had been on taking down Carlos and James so much that the rest was just...noise. He'd failed them all by being too caught up in his target to see the danger that was right in front of his face.

Tony and Leo still hadn't moved from Javier's side. Now he motioned for them to take care of Kendall and Carlos. One of them hesitated. "You don't want us on the bodyguard?"

"I'm not worried about him," Javier replied, gesturing again for the man to cover Kendall. "I've got his chains right here. He's not going to do anything that might hurt his boyfriend. Right, James?"

Logan swallowed hard, wincing when the metal against his skin. Javier knew James' name now. He knew James loved him. Javier shouldn't know any of that, because even Teresa didn't know that. Though he'd mentioned the possibility earlier that day of cameras installed in this house, Logan didn't see how it could be true because they'd know if someone had installed them. Nothing else made sense, though.

"Don't talk to me," James spat. "You've just signed your death warrant."

"How do you know his name?" Logan asked gently, not wanting to set the man off. He was curious, but had asked mostly to buy time. He knew that if James and Kendall put their heads together, they'd find a way out of this. He remembered learning in training that the best way to distract an enemy was to keep him talking. There had been someone in Logan's class that laughed at that and called it "cheesy cliché movie stuff." The instructor didn't disagree, but also stated that "It's cliché for a reason—it works."

"I know a lot of things," Javier smiled. "You're not the only one proficient in computers and cameras, Mitchell. Though I've been told that your system is highly advanced and took an entire day to hack into. My guy was impressed."

From his place behind the living room chair, where a man had one arm wrapped around his waist and a gun pointed into his side, Kendall's face fell. His gaze met Logan's with the same dread they were both experiencing at the revelation that Javier knew exactly who they were and why they were here.

"You investigated them, Javier?" Carlos exclaimed in outrage. "How dare you! They have nothing to do with this, they don't even know anything! Let them go! Just take me and do whatever you want, but leave them out of this!"

"They know everything, Carlos. _Everything._ Because you were stupid enough to trust them and tell them everything even though your uncle warned you not to talk to anyone! You've put this entire organization in jeopardy because you don't care about it anymore!"

"Of course I care about it! I've devoted my entire life to it, don't try to tell me I don't care!"

"I gave you a chance. I came and talked to you twice, and you told me you had a plan to make your uncle step aside. I wanted to believe you. Then I heard it myself, thanks to this man's impeccable surveillance system, you hinting to James that you were gonna run for it. I still tried to give you the benefit of the doubt and you failed my test! They told you Seabrook was under attack, the worst thing that could happen to our family and instead of stepping up to take care of it, you decided to run. I heard you on the phone, Carlos! I heard you talking to your uncle! That was your last chance. It's over."

Javier's voice was loud in Logan's ear, his arm and the knife pressing tighter as his emotions intensified. Logan might've tried to break away then except that if he did, Carlos or Kendall might suffer the consequences. There was also the fact that James' eyes had changed; doubt was seeping in because Javier's comments about Logan's system hadn't slipped by him. He just hadn't quite connected all the dots yet.

He would soon, though. The thought of it made Logan nauseous.

"What are you saying?" Carlos wanted to know. "You want to take over the business? Fine, have it. We'll leave you in peace, you can have it all. You're right, my uncle's heart isn't in it anymore. It hasn't been since Cristina died. Just...take it. Leave us out of it."

"You know we can't do that, Carlos. No loose ends, that's rule number one in our business. The feds already know too much, and if we don't end this now, they know about Seabrook. I can't allow that to happen."

"The feds don't know shit!" Carlos argued. "They finally got the message after you had every witness killed! They stopped trying to infiltrate us because they knew it wasn't going to work!"

"Carlos," Javier sighed, Logan's eyes falling closed in dread because he knew what was coming. "They never stop. You've been told that from the time you were ten years old. They don't stop. They just try something new. And that's what they did this time. They preyed on your weakness. You're a liability to this family now. You can't be trusted."

"Because I moved away? Tried to protect myself?"

James' eyes were locked onto Logan's when he answered the question, and they were full of hurt and betrayal. The dots had been connected. "Because you trusted the wrong people." When Carlos looked away from Logan and Javier to silently question James, he added, "We both did."

"James," Logan started, "Let me—"

"Don't talk to me." His face had completely shut down.

"You don't understand, we—"

"What the fuck is going on?" Carlos demanded.

"They're the enemy!" James roared, his momentary lack of feeling gone in a blaze of anger. "I was right from the fucking start! They're the fucking enemy and we were so fucking stupid! I told you, Carlos, I told you that first day! And then I completely lost my head over...nothing. Over no one, because everything was a lie and nothing was ever real and—"

"That's not true," Logan interrupted. "I never lied about—"

"You lied about everything! And you!" James turned his fury on Kendall. "You preyed on him like some sick fucking pervert, you knew exactly what you were doing and took joy in it, you used him and made him believe in something that doesn't exist. Fuck both of you." Shocking everyone in the room, James said, "Do what you want, Javier. Kill them both, kill all of us...I don't even care anymore. I have nothing to believe in."

Logan wanted to scream because he couldn't go to James. "Babe, don't give up like that, I swear to you that—"

"Is this true? Are you some kind of...secret agent?"

Kendall had said nothing through most of this, but at Carlos' pleading tone he nodded. "It's true. I lied from the start, I was sent here to find out where the source is. I was supposed to seduce you and gain your trust. I was _not_ supposed to actually fall in love. Neither of us were. But it happened anyway. And James, for what it's worth...Logan tried to leave because he couldn't bring himself to complete the mission. He couldn't betray you like that."

"This is like a soap opera," Javier commented. "My plan was to kill all of you and then get Luis when he shows up but maybe I'll just let you all keep talking while we're waiting so I'm not bored."

"Don't," James disagreed. "Just kill us now. I'm tired."

"James, will you stop—"

"Don't talk to me!" James yelled at Logan. "You've lost every single shred of respect from me. He could slice your throat right this second and I wouldn't even shed a tear."

Though the words devastated Logan, it was Kendall who spoke to combat them. "You don't mean that. You can't hate him, you love him too much."

"I loved a lie. Go ahead, Javier. Have at him."

There was a moment where everyone's eyes were on both Logan and Javier, waiting to see what he would do, and that felt like the perfect classic moment for someone to make an attempt at escape. It was what he and Kendall had been trained for, creating that perfect moment where all eyes were on the same thing, providing someone an opportunity for an unexpected attack.

Kendall didn't move, though. Perhaps it was because he feared for his own life, or maybe he was afraid Carlos would be hurt. It might even be that he couldn't decide which of them to save. The second he overpowered his own captor, it would set off one of the others.

Logan was tense and waiting, and when the rescue came it was from James. His eyes suddenly changed from that tortured, pained mask to angry determination; Logan knew the second before James moved that he was going to and he was ready. He raised a foot to kick back against Javier's knee, knowing it would possibly put his throat in further danger but unable to just stand there and let James get himself killed when Javier figured out his intentions.

Before either of them could act on their ideas, though, the room was filled with a seemingly innocent sound that was confusing for a few seconds.

The doorbell rang.

Nobody moved.

"The groceries," Logan murmured. Javier's hold had tightened on him again, Logan frustrated that the moment was gone.

"What?" Javier growled.

"We ordered a delivery."

Kendall and Logan exchanged a glance, both wondering how they could use this to their advantage.

Javier made a frustrated noise. "We don't have time for this. Ignore it, they'll go away."

"They'll call me," Logan argued.

"So ignore that. Eventually they'll leave. Why am I even arguing with you about this?" he hissed. "It's a random person that doesn't even matter."

The doorbell rang again, this time the person repeatedly pressing on it as Logan had done earlier.

"Let me get the door," Kendall suggested, speaking loudly over the sound. "I'll send them away, I don't want an innocent person to get hurt."

"No one's going to get hurt because we aren't opening that door. He'll go away and tell his boss no one was home and then we can all get back to business."

The bell fell silent and they all breathed a sigh of relief. Three seconds later it was replaced with a fist banging on the wood. "Hey, I know someone's in there, I got your groceries! I have a lot of deliveries to make so open the damn door already!"

Logan's heart leaped at the annoyed female voice yelling through the door. He'd know that sass anywhere. Kendall met his gaze with hope but then killed that, not wanting Javier or his men to pick up on anything.

"Ignore it," Javier instructed.

Lucy wasn't one to give up, though. She raised her voice so loud that it would no doubt be heard halfway down the block. "I'm not leaving until I get my money! Open the fucking door or I'll get my boss down here!" The pounding started again, along with Lucy's continued threats.

"She's going to alert the entire neighborhood," Logan warned. "Just let us pay her and get her out of here, please."

Because attention on the house was the last thing Javier needed, he finally relented. "James. Shut the bitch up."

"Why me?"

"Because no matter what you say, I don't buy that you want me to hurt your boyfriend. And you're smart enough to know I won't hesitate to do it. Get rid of her. Fast."

James refused to give an indication either way regarding Javier's comment on his feelings. He hesitated, obviously concerned that the second his back was turned, someone would die. "How do I know you won't hurt them?"

"You have my word, now will you just take care of her before she gets herself killed?"

Lucy was still yelling at the top of her lungs, demanding payment. Logan's mind raced. As James finally turned away, an idea came to him. "I put the money in your jeans earlier," Logan blurted. When James spun back, he added, "Back pocket. I knew you'd be the one to answer the door."

It was a reminder to James of the knife they both knew he had hidden under the shirt. "Thanks," James nodded, about to turn away again when Logan offered, "It's Shannon. The delivery driver, her name is Shannon."

Though nothing clicked for James then, Logan knew it would the second he opened the door and saw her face; he'd no doubt recognize her from the air field. All he could do was pray that James would understand what he was trying to communicate, that "Shannon" was on their side and there to help them.

Kendall furtively let his fingers brush against Carlos' hand, relieved when Carlos didn't fight the touch and instead let Kendall squeeze his wrist. "Be ready" he whispered without moving his lips, praying Carlos could hear him.

All eyes were on the foyer now, Javier moving Logan just close enough to be able to see what was happening. James opened the front door and the yelling stopped immediately. "It's about fucking time, what's wrong with you people? I have a life, you know."

"I'm so sorry," James apologized. "We were out back, we didn't hear you right away."

"Whatever, just take this stuff." Lucy gestured toward the bags on the porch. "And sign the bill." She shoved a slip of paper at him. "Shit, I forgot my pen. Dammit, I had to park down by the corner, do you have one?"

"Uh...I'm sure we can find one somewhere, let me just..." James spun around as if to ask Javier how he should handle this, but the second he was fully turned away from the door, he and Lucy rushed at the man together. Logan had been ready and elbowed Javier in the stomach while at the same time bending his own head down to protect his neck. Lucy shoved Logan out of the way and kicked the knife out of Javier's hand just before James tackled him to the ground, Logan rolling away and quickly crawling after the knife.

Carlos hadn't heard Kendall's warning but wasted no time taking advantage of the distraction. At the same time Logan was elbowing Javier, he surprised his captor with a head butt to the man's face while grabbing his wrist to deflect the gun. There was no time to get off a shot, the gun falling harmlessly to the ground without discharging.

Kendall suddenly bent down while reaching up to pull his own man forward over him, the man doing an awkward somersault as Kendall moved to pin his arm to the carpet with a knee. He punched the man hard, breaking his nose in the process, and grabbed the gun.

There was no time to think; instead training kicked in and Kendall followed the rule that had been drilled into his head since day one with the Bureau: if you have an opportunity to disable your enemy, make it count; don't leave anything to chance. Before he knew it, he was putting the gun to use with two swift but accurate shots—one to the head for each of their captors. Carlos stared up at Kendall wordlessly and with wide eyes when it was done, both Tony and Leo no longer a threat. "I'm sorry," Kendall hurriedly apologized. "I had no choice, they would've hurt you."

Having heard the gunshots, the other three turned their attention to the front of the room. James was still straddling Javier, a knife pressed against his chest to keep him subdued along with the the gun Lucy had pointing at his head from above. Javier seized the momentary distraction and reached for Lucy's gun, knowing he was either going to be caught or dead and determined to take Carlos with him because Carlos had caused all of this. Carlos had been the reason everything fell apart from the start.

Kendall heard Lucy gasp when the gun was wrenched from her hand, heard Logan's sudden cry of "Kendall!", and again reacted without thought—or at least not with thought for himself; all he cared about in that moment was saving Carlos. It was too late to disarm Javier, too late even for James to stop him, because the gun was in place and a finger was already squeezing the trigger. Kendall did the only thing he could and moved to block Carlos with his own body.

Javier was a good shot, but the lack of time to set it up and the awkward angle caused the bullet to lodge lower than he'd intended it, so instead of the head it ended up buried in Kendall's left shoulder. James didn't give Javier time to get off a second shot, quickly burying his knife to the hilt in the man's chest with force. Lucy had also been trained to take no chances and grabbed her gun back to put an end to any future thoughts Javier might have with a bullet in his brain. James looked away from the sight only after he was sure Javier was dead, disgusted by so much violence but needing to know that the danger was gone.

The sudden quiet in the room was deafening. Logan was sitting on the floor against the wall, Lucy hovering near James and Javier. Kendall had fallen to the carpet and hissed now when he attempted to sit up, Carlos standing over him and staring back at everyone else.

"Is the situation contained?" Kendall suddenly called out, unable to see for himself.

"We're clear!" Lucy yelled. "Unless these two want you dead."

A chill swept through Logan. That was entirely possible. As he turned his head to look over at James, he realized time was short. There was no way the gunshots had gone unnoticed by neighbors, and though Teresa might be hesitant to involve authorities, others wouldn't be.

James' hazel eyes, the same eyes he'd passed on to his daughter that twinkled when they were happy, were now dead. Logan knew any hope he'd held onto that James might still want him was also dead. "Go," he ordered, forcing himself to say the word even though it was the last thing he wanted. "If you two don't go now, you won't be able to."

"They're not going anywhere," Lucy argued. "Your cover's blown, and we may not have the location of the source, but letting them get away isn't going to do us any good. Luis will probably surrender himself once he knows we have his nephew anyway."

The room was silent again other than Kendall's occasional hisses of pain. Logan felt Carlos staring at him, and when he turned to meet the gaze he saw that though Carlos was still confused by some of this, he understood what Logan did—Lucy didn't know about Seabrook. They had no idea how Lucy knew to show up when she did, but she obviously still didn't know everything. Carlos waited to see if either of them would contradict Lucy and explain that they did, in fact, know the location.

Logan licked his lips and said it to Carlos instead of James. "Go. Get him away from here and keep him safe."

A sudden groan of pain called Carlos' attention to Kendall, though it was Lucy who said, "Will you stop trying to sit up? There's a bullet in your body, dumbass. Just lay there and stop making it worse until we get the medics out here. I'm calling the director right now."

Kendall stretched out his right hand until he could weakly squeeze Carlos' ankle. Once he looked down, Kendall whispered, "Go. Tell Luis to not come here. Take James and run."

Logan jumped up from the floor and wrenched the phone out of Lucy's hand. "What the hell, Mitchell?"

"Get out of here now!" Logan yelled. "Both of you!"

Carlos still hadn't looked away from Kendall, his expression unreadable. Kendall urged, "Make the children happy."

There was no answer to that, but it got Carlos moving. "James, come on!" He ran across the room and picked up the suitcase he'd hurriedly packed what seemed like days ago, then hefted the painting under his arm. "If we don't leave now, we're dead!"

Lucy threw an exasperated glare Kendall's way. "Not you, too."

James ignored the words, which made no sense to him anyway. Instead he stared across the four feet separating him from Logan, who tried to put everything he was feeling into his gaze and hoped James would hear him. There was no reaction, the mask hiding whatever James might be thinking, and when Carlos called his name again he heeded the warning. The sound of an approaching siren spurred him on faster, and as Logan and Lucy watched he picked up the remaining suitcase and rushed out the back door after Carlos.

"So we're just letting them go. That's what's happening here?"

Logan shook his head, pulling himself together. How they handled the next step was crucial. "Of course not. There was a shootout and they got away in the confusion of it all. They left us here to be killed because they found out we betrayed them."

Lucy lifted a brow. "And you think that's believable?"

"We'll make it believable," Kendall gritted through his teeth, finally managing to sit up with a cry of pain and fighting through that even though he was pale. "Javier showed up to kill them and exposed us, then tried to kill all of us. We managed to shoot them but by the time all that went down, the other two had escaped. Are we all on the same page?"

"They're going to ask us for specifics," Lucy warned. "Who was where, how it all happened, who shot who. Who stabbed Javier, for that matter."

"We'll make it work," Kendall said again. "Are you with us or not?"

They both knew Lucy held their futures in her hands. She could easily have them not only fired but imprisoned for obstructing justice and treason with a few simple words. "That depends."

"Lucy, don't play games, we don't have time for this," Logan scolded. They heard car doors opening and closing outside.

"You gonna buy me lunch for the rest of my life?"

Logan swallowed hard, hardly daring to believe she might go along with this. It was Kendall who answered.

"For as long as we work together."

Lucy's lips twisted as she stared down at Kendall, understanding what he wasn't saying. "It's like that, is it?"

"Yep."

She took five seconds to think it over. "I get my own side of chips and guac. And a bag of cheese puffs on my desk every day."

"Deal."

"Police! Open up!"

When Lucy opened the door it was with a sweet smile on her face. "It's about time you guys showed up, but sadly you're too late to catch all the bad guys. Two got away."

Logan walked over to sink down on the floor next to Kendall, both relieved and empty inside. His eyes caught on the piece of paper Lucy had passed over to James, the "bill" from the delivery service. She'd written, "I'm with the hot dudes. Let's take down these assholes."

"They're gonna be okay," Kendall promised him. "James will make sure."

Logan nodded. The hard part would be having to assume that without actually knowing. "Did he tell you where they were going?"

"Nope."

"Do you have an idea anyway?"

"Not a clue."

Lucy was on the phone now with the director. A medical team had appeared out of nowhere, and as they worked on Kendall both listened carefully to Lucy's explanation of the events so they could corroborate it. True to her word, she related that James and Carlos had gotten away "before we could stop them."

"You know, she's really not so bad once you get to know her," Kendall commented.

Logan managed a wan smile. He thought that one sentence could sum up the entire mission.


	33. Chapter 33

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Hi guys! **Cherry1010** wanted to know if there will be a sequel to this story, and the answer is no. There is a two-part epilogue, however, and this is the first part of that. So at least you get to see how the story ends for all four of the main characters and whether it's together or apart. Thanks so much to those of you reading this, and as always I appreciate it more than I say. I'm glad those of you who reviewed loved the last chapter and were surprised that Teresa was involved! :D The final chapter of this story will be up sometime over the weekend, most likely.

* * *

 _ **One Year Later**_

Logan closed the door behind him, setting down his briefcase on the desk before shrugging out of a jacket and hanging it on a nearby hook. As always, the next order of business was to open the briefcase to retrieve the fresh rose he'd purchased on the way into work. He lifted the single bud to his face, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent that would forever take him back to a place where he'd known true happiness, even if that happiness had been doomed from the start.

" _I'd make it about five minutes. Maybe ten. Long enough for me to get to the corner store and realize I was being an idiot and that I didn't mean anything I said. Ten minutes after that I'd walk back into the house with flowers and beg you to forgive me because I can't live without you."_

Ironically, there _was_ a corner store near Logan's apartment that sold flowers. Every day that he'd been back at work, he'd stopped in there for a fresh red rose to replace the one from the day before. He did that now, tossing the old one into a trash can without a trace of regret because each day brought new hope; the rose was a mere symbol of that, of the certainty in Logan's heart that James was alive and well and...hopefully...happy.

Ready to face the day now, Logan settled into the chair behind his desk and powered up his computer. Most likely he'd be needed for an assignment within the hour and there was in fact probably an email waiting for him with information about it. That was Logan's life now, working hard for the FBI and doing it from the safety of the main office; he'd learned his lesson on his last mission in the field, the one that now defined his life because he'd never been able to let it go.

One year. One year ago today, Logan had tried to leave that mission and been waylaid by a beautiful man who needed him. One year ago today he'd been planning an escape to a life with that man, willing to do whatever it took to keep that man safe. He liked to think he'd been successful in that even though the plan hadn't worked out the way he'd intended.

The hardest part was not knowing.

Luis' people were good—so good that even the FBI had no way to track them down. Logan might have been able to find something if he'd tried, but his biggest fear was that someone in the Bureau would find out and use any newly-discovered information to get to James and Carlos. He couldn't take that risk; their location had to remain a secret, even from Logan.

" _We didn't want anyone to be able to track her down."_

" _Not even you."_

" _Not even me."_

Logan understood it now, how James had felt sending away the center of his universe without having the means to contact her or to know where she was. It was safer that way.

" _Did you at least get to say goodbye?"_

James had. Logan, however...

There were so many questions he would never know the answer to, and that was the hardest thing. Was James alive? Was James safe? Had he found someone new to love? Did he still love Logan, even in some tiny corner of his heart that the betrayal hadn't desecrated? Or was hatred all there was now? Had that tainted every memory he and James had made together, so that now when James remembered him it was with disdain and anger?

"I miss you," Logan whispered to no one, clicking open a hidden and password-protected file on his computer. It was a file he'd made up himself, taking data from what the FBI knew of James (they still hadn't learned his last name, thank god) and adding to that what he remembered of his time with what would always be the perfect man in his mind. The file contained only one photo, and it was grainy as it had been taken from a surveillance team before Logan had even been assigned to the case. James had been caught just after taking a suitcase out of Carlos' car on the day he and Carlos had moved in. His face was seen over the roof, dark hair falling across his forehead and those intense eyes alert as he skimmed their surroundings. Logan's traitorous brain reminded him now of the way those lips felt on his skin, of the way they took command of his mouth to leave him so needy yet also so fulfilled.

He was rescued from his morose thoughts by a text from Kendall.

" _I'm stopping by the donut shop to get breakfast for Lucy. Want anything?"_

Logan smiled, glad he hadn't had to promise Lucy anything in exchange for her silence. _"No thanks. Are we on for lunch?"_

" _Yeah. I'm having a really hard time with today."_

" _Me too."_

" _I'll tell Lucy she's not invited but I can bring her something back."_

" _Thanks."_

" _Sure. And just so you know, I did it."_

Logan's brows raised in surprise. Kendall had been trying for a month now to force himself to go on a date, but had backed out each time at the last minute. _"You did? How did it go?"_

" _Good, I guess. But I won't be seeing him again."_

" _Why not?"_

" _Because now I know that sex isn't like that every time. I hoped it would be. I was trying to convince myself that the little shit wasn't all that special."_

Logan sighed, understanding that feeling all too well.

" _But he is. I miss him."_

" _I know. I miss Hot Guy, too."_

" _It's worse today."_

" _Yeah."_

" _Noon?"_

" _I'll be there."_

" _Later."_

Logan tossed his phone to the desk and leaned back in the chair, gaze on the gorgeous face on his computer screen. The pain was too much today, and he closed his eyes in order to gather his thoughts.

 _Stop thinking about him. All it does is make you miss him more. You'll never see him again, accept it._

Without warning, fingers fisted into the hair at the crown of his head, tugging on it to expose his throat fully to the knife suddenly pressed against it. Logan's breath caught, fear turning his insides to jelly.

"I just have one question."

* * *

When Kendall entered the tiny office he'd been given upon returning to background work, he didn't think twice about the fact that his desk chair was turned away to face the wall. Sometimes the cleaning crew left it that way.

It wasn't until he'd hung his coat and spun around that the chair moved on its own, or at least it seemed that way at first; its occupant came into view slowly, Kendall's knees going weak at the sight of his deepest regret staring back at him with a guarded gaze.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you right now." Carlos was relaxed back into the chair as if he owned it. His hair was cropped closer to his scalp and there was stubble covering the lower half of his face, giving him a more grown-up look than Kendall remembered. The eyes were the same, though—even through the shield Kendall saw a hint of that same flirty twinkle he'd fallen in love with.

"Because you left your gun in my dining room and never grabbed it before you left," Kendall tried, grasping at straws.

Carlos shook his head. "Not good enough." He reached into a pocket and removed a smaller piece than the one he'd had before, though it was still big enough to do the job. "Try again."

Kendall swallowed, his stomach cramping in both fear and nerves. It was insane, he was in what should've been the safest building in the country and surrounded by armed agents, yet he felt more exposed than ever before. How had Carlos managed to get past everyone? "Because I have two chocolate donuts with rainbow sprinkles and if you shoot me, I can't share one with you."

After considering that, Carlos shrugged. "I shoot you, I get them both. Still not good enough." The gun was raised and pointed straight at Kendall's heart. "You get one more try."

He bit his lip, thinking hard and trying to gauge whether or not Carlos really would shoot him. Yes, the flirty twinkle was there, but so was the hurt and betrayal Carlos was trying so hard to hide. He slowly approached and set the small bag of donuts down on the desk in front of Carlos as a peace offering. "Because I'm the only person on Earth who knows if Jack Steel ever rescued Gina, and if you kill me, you'll never know." Kendall watched as something flickered in Carlos' eyes. "Also...I love you."

The flicker turned into a flash, Carlos absorbing the words before stating, "That first one...you raise a good point. I really do want to know about Gina." Before Kendall could reply, he added, "The second one, though...that's the one I'm not so sure about. Because it turns out you're a liar, and I think I told you once that I can't love a man who lies."

Kendall deserved that. He rested his hands on the edge of the desk closest to him, leaning on it slightly for the strength that seemed to have fled from his legs. "I don't think I ever said it, but...I'm sorry. For all of it. All of the lies."

"And I'm just supposed to believe you? Every single word you spoke to me from the start was a lie."

"Not all of it. I never lied about my family or...the fact that I was falling in love with you."

Carlos shook his head. "It was your job to fall in love with me."

"No. My job was actually the opposite. To get what I needed from you and then leave because I _didn't_ care. Carlos, I had what I needed the day you left. I could've given my boss all the information before any of that Javier shit went down but I didn't."

"And why didn't you?"

"Because by then..." Kendall let out a sigh, having no idea how to make Carlos believe him. "By then I was in love with you. Logan and I were serious about coming with you, he wanted to do it even before I did and we fought so much about it but...he was right. He kept telling me I was in love with you and I didn't want to believe it because it made everything so complicated. I went into that whole thing expecting to hate you. _Wanting_ to hate you. But you couldn't just...be an asshole. You had to be..."

Carlos waited for Kendall to continue, and when he didn't, prompted, "What? I had to be what?"

"You had to be you. I don't know how else to say it."

"So I'm just supposed to believe that you loved me and be fine with everything that went down."

"Of course I don't expect you to be fine with it. I'd hate me if I was you."

"I do hate you."

Kendall nodded, heart sinking though he'd expected nothing more. "Just tell me one thing before you shoot me."

"Only one?"

"Well, okay, two. One, is Luis okay?"

That wasn't what Carlos had been expecting. "You care?"

"I do, because _you_ care. I know he's not in charge of the business anymore."

"Then you also know the source hasn't been compromised."

Kendall nodded.

"Why didn't they raid Seabrook? That's what I want to know."

"Because we never told them."

"Why not? You still could've taken it down at any moment."

"We were too scared."

"Scared of what?"

"That it would lead us to you," Kendall admitted. "I know we've got guys working on the inside and from what we've been told, nobody in the Bureau knows where you all disappeared to. Logan and I wanted to keep it that way. He's actually been manipulating information to keep them off your trail."

Carlos thought that over. "Why didn't you ever try to find me, if you loved me so much? You promised me you'd find me if I ran."

"For the same reason you guys don't know where Emily is. James doesn't trust himself to not visit her, and I don't trust myself to stay away from you."

"Because you love me," Carlos clarified. "Or...was that just back then and you don't care anymore?"

"It's now," Kendall promised. "It's...forever. I went on a date last night."

"Now you're making me want to shoot you again."

"Carlos, no," Kendall laughed, surprised that he was able to with a gun pulled on him. "I was trying to get over you. Turns out I'm still not."

"Or you're just saying that because you don't want to get shot."

"How can I make you believe me?"

"I don't know. It's hard to trust someone who lied to me and made me think I was special when it was just a job. When you were ordered to do it. You know trust was always my biggest thing."

"I do." Kendall sighed again, at a loss. There was nothing he could say that might work, because Carlos had learned to not trust his words. Could he prove it through action? Maybe Carlos would feel it in his kiss, that the feelings were real.

"What's the second thing you wanted to know?"

"What?" Kendall asked, pulled out of his mental dilemma.

"You said there were two things you needed to know before I shoot you. Luis is fine. He's happy. Getting him away from the business was the best thing I ever did and I don't regret it. What's number two?"

Kendall hesitated, suddenly wondering if it would be better to die without knowing the answer; then again, if it was the answer he didn't want to hear, death might be preferable to living with the knowledge. "You said you hate me."

"Completely," Carlos agreed.

"Right. But...do you also love me?"

The expression that stole over Carlos' face took Kendall back in time to the misery he'd witnessed the day James had forbidden him to see the cute neighbor again. He remembered Carlos sitting on a bed and staring into space as if he'd lost his zest for life. "I don't have to answer that."

Tendrils of hope grew inside Kendall. "If you didn't, you'd tell me that. If all you feel is hate, you'd want me to know that because you'd want to hurt me. You still love me."

"I love the memory of you."

"Carlos, it's all me! I'm right here, I'd do anything to keep you safe, none of that has changed. I took a bullet for you, isn't that worth something?"

The dark eyes shifted away, Kendall sensing that Carlos was fighting himself. He wanted to believe but was scared. "What can I do to make you believe me?"

Carlos shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe there's nothing."

"You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to believe that I love you. I think that's why you came, you needed to know."

Defiant eyes turned back to him. "I'm here to protect James."

"James?" Kendall stood up straight, looking around as if he'd suddenly spot the man. "Where's James?"

"Where do you think?"

"Shit. Is he...is Logan going to die?"

"That's not up to me. But we did discuss it on the ride over. Talked about how the smart thing to do would be to kill you both and tie up our loose ends. Of course we'd also have to go after the chick who showed up to help you, but that can be managed."

"Carlos...no. This isn't you. You're not a murderer."

"No? I'm pretty sure you thought I was the day we met."

Kendall groaned in frustration. "I was wrong! I'm sorry, I thought I was doing the right thing! I was trying to make the world a better place, I didn't know..."

"What?"

"I didn't know that it's not always black or white. I didn't know _you._ I'd give anything to go back and change that now, to take you away on that first day and just...give you the kind of life you deserve to have."

"I have that now. Taking you back with me would only complicate things."

Kendall couldn't hold back a smirk. "Since when do any of us ever take the easy way out?"

Carlos was the one who sighed this time. "I don't know what to do, Kendall. I can't trust you. You want to know if I still love you? Yeah. I don't think that's ever gonna change. The problem is that I can't be sure you ever loved me or that anything you're saying now is the truth. There's no way around that. You can tell me you love me all you want, but there's no way to prove it."

Kendall blinked a few times, the answer coming to him with a gasp. "I know how to prove it. Do you trust me?" When Carlos gave him an exasperated stare, Kendall amended that. "I just mean right this second. I need to get something out of my coat. Do you trust me?"

"Hell no. That's probably where you keep your gun."

Without hesitation Kendall reached under the blazer he wore and removed his piece from the holster. Once he'd set it on the desk and pushed it closer to Carlos, he asked again. "Do you trust me?"

Though Carlos struggled with an answer, in the end he warned, "Try anything and I won't hesitate to shoot you. I don't even care if they hear the shot, my uncle's safe and I have nothing to live for."

"That's not true."

"It is. Do what you're gonna do."

Kendall braced himself and moved closer to the wall to reach into the pocket of his coat. When he found what he needed, he tossed it on the desk. "Boot up my computer and put that in."

"A flash drive?" Carlos obviously doubted anything in a file could prove Kendall's love, but he followed instructions while keeping the gun trained on Kendall with one hand. "Your computer takes forever to boot up."

"There's a lot of data on it. Can I come around there and—"

"Nope. You stay right where you are."

"Fine," Kendall sighed.

It was another minute before Carlos moved the mouse. "Where do I...?"

"Carlos, will you just let me come around and show you?"

"No."

"Let's switch places then. You can still shoot me from over here."

Carlos' lips twisted as he thought about it, then he nodded. "Okay. We move on three. Slowly. We both move to the left, got it?"

"You're ridiculous."

"You made me this way. Ready?"

"Hang on." Kendall reached out and turned the monitor enough that he could lean in and see it. "There. Now click on the little file folder along the bottom."

Carlos did. "Now what?"

"Click on this." Kendall pointed at the flash drive symbol.

"Okay...what am I looking for?"

"Steel."

"Steel?"

"Yeah. Right there. Open that document."

Carlos' breath caught. "Is this...have you been writing?"

"It's almost done, actually. The truth is I wanted to finish it and get it published so that maybe one day you'd read it. I wanted to make you proud."

Carlos wanted to believe that. He was still on the fence. After clicking open the document, his gaze moved to the words at the top. "Into the Gray. A novel by Kendall Knight." A smile graced his lips. "By the way, before you die you should know that I love your last name. I think it's true to you."

"I hear that a lot," Kendall nodded, the words warming his heart.

"Where'd the title come from?"

"Well...I don't want to spoil the story for you."

"Go ahead, I'll probably end up killing you anyway and then you'll never finish it and I won't get to read it, so..."

The teasing tone behind Carlos' words gave him hope. "So...you wanted to know if he rescues Gina."

"Right. He didn't get shot, right?"

"He actually did. And it causes him a lot of problems because during his recovery time, he's out of commission and he realizes just how much he misses what he does. What's crazy is that the bad guy from the prologue keeps harassing him and he doesn't know why. Like sending him taunting notes and stalking him through social media under false names."

"What the hell? Why would he do that? Did Gina die?"

"No, he let Gina go."

"What?! Seriously, why would he do that?"

"Because what the bad guy realizes is that it's no fun without Steel as his nemesis. Fighting with Steel is his reason for living, and when Steel has to sit it out for awhile he understands that. So he finds ways to keep fighting with him even if it's not in person."

"Oh my god."

"And Steel finally finds out more about him and researches his past and begins to understand why Blade is the way he is. And then it's really hard to hate him."

"So what happens when Steel gets his strength back?"

"Blade goes after Steel's best friend, knowing that's the best way to get to him. And they meet up and have their final battle, but by then they understand each other better and it's hard to think of their nemeses as enemies."

Carlos licked his lips, the insinuation not lost on him. "How does it end?"

"It's not written yet. I still have to finish the final battle."

"Aww come on, are you kidding me? Wait, is this just some made-up shit so I won't shoot you?"

Pretty sure that the danger of that had passed, Kendall chuckled. "No, it's all true. If you let me live, we can plan it out together."

"How do you want it to end?"

"I want a happy ending. Maybe James and I _aren't_ so different after all."

Carlos held his silence for a bit before asking, "Is this supposed to prove that you love me?"

"No," Kendall answered. "Scroll down. Page 2."

Carlos did, and they both read over the blurb on that page.

 _This book is dedicated to my own personal Blade, who showed me that things aren't always black and white—sometimes they blend together to form a new color that's beautiful. Day or night, you know where to find me. I love you._

The gun was gently laid on the desk in front of Carlos. When he glanced up to meet Kendall's gaze, his own was blurred with tears. "I hate you," he whispered.

Kendall leaned across the desk to press his lips to Carlos'. "But you also love me."

"What do I do?"

"We both know you came here to get me. I just need time to wrap up a few things."

"I can't stay."

"We'll come to you. Just tell us where."

With both resignation and hope, Carlos did.


	34. Chapter 34

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This is a bittersweet moment. It feels good to wrap this story up and send these characters on their way, but at the same time I'm sad to say goodbye. When I started this story, I was so excited about it because I'd never written anything like this one. It ended up being much more complex than I imagined it would, especially with the way things went with James and Logan. They took over the story. I'm a Jagan girl, what can I say? I hope this ending meets with your approval and leaves you with a smile. If you've read this far, I can't thank you enough for your time and attention. I hope these characters touched you as much as they touched me. :)

I need to take a moment and thank a few people who have supported me in this one from the start and who kept me motivated through the whole thing. My awesome beta gave me suggestions and corrected some things I'd messed up (as well as cheering me on), so I'm grateful to her for being my person to lean on when I write (and in other areas of life). It's actually thanks to her that the last section of this chapter exists; I was going to end it after the previous one. I know one reader in particular will be happy I added that scene on. :P I also really want to thank Side1ways, the Guest who always reviews, annabellex2, and EpicallyObsessed for reviewing every single chapter. You guys seriously make this all worth it and I love you. I LOVE YOU.

And here we go with the last chapter! I'm so sad. But also happy. BITTERSWEET, I TELL YOU.

* * *

"I just have one question."

The filing cabinet. It was the only thing that would've hidden James from view, though Logan still couldn't believe he'd missed that the man that was so heavy on his mind was a few feet away. Fear was his initial reaction until he heard the voice—the intense timber of it brought back all those lightning bolts in his stomach, along with relief and a desire for touch that was completely out of place in the current situation.

None of that mattered, though; his brain might've known it was a dangerous moment, but his body cared about nothing but the fact that James was near enough to touch for the first time in a year.

"James..." he managed to whisper, desperate to lay eyes on the man and see for himself that James was safe and unharmed. The knife was still pressed to his throat, even that one word difficult to get out, but he tried again anyway. "Please...let me look at you."

The fingers in his hair tightened painfully, and against his will a shudder ripped through Logan. A memory came to him of those same fingers tangled in his hair during the best moments of his life.

"Tell me why you didn't want Kendall to come with us."

"What?" The question confused Logan, or maybe it was just that he couldn't think clearly with James so close.

Hearing the hoarseness in Logan's voice, James relaxed the knife just a tad but clutched at Logan's hair even harder. Logan bit his lip to keep in a moan.

"The day we left. You wanted to run away with me. But you kept telling me we shouldn't bring Kendall along, and you didn't want Carlos to tell him everything. I need to know why. There are only two reasons I've been able to come up with, and it better be the right one."

Logan swallowed hard, managing to clear his throat. "Because he wasn't there yet. He still wanted to turn you both in."

"Wasn't where?"

"He hadn't...from the moment we met, I knew I couldn't do it. I just wanted you to be happy and live a normal life. Kendall didn't get to that point until the end."

"But he did? He was serious about leaving everything behind and going to Carlos?"

"We both were."

"It had nothing to do with you wanting the glory for yourself?"

"The glory of what?"

"Taking us down. Being the hero."

"James, no, I...please, can I just look at you? If you want me dead, at least let me see your face one more time first."

There was no answer right away, but Logan sensed that James wanted to relent. Finally he asked, "Why hasn't Seabrook been taken yet?"

"They don't know about it. We never told them."

"Why?"

"We were too afraid it would somehow lead them to you."

The fingers relaxed, Logan mentally relieved while his body already missed the intense pressure.

"Did you find us?"

"No."

"Have you been trying?"

Logan's bottom lip trembled. "No."

"Why not?"

Fighting the emotion that wanted to break free, he answered, "For the same reason you haven't tried to find Emily. I want you to be happy."

The knife fell away, James pocketing it while his other hand let go and his knee moved to spin the chair around. Finally Logan was able to lay eyes on the face that haunted him almost every second of the day and night.

James looked healthy. He'd changed his appearance in that his hair no longer hung almost to his shoulders but was closely-cropped everywhere except on top, where he still allowed about two inches to flourish. The bangs were gone. Around his mouth and chin was a touch of scruff. He looked entirely unrecognizable as the man Logan had fallen in love with, yet at the same time Logan would have known him anywhere because what hadn't changed were those gorgeous hazel eyes that held so much inside. Right now they were shining with feelings that wanted to spill over, the same feelings that Logan could no longer contain.

He reached out, intending to drag James to him but instead James fell to his knees, kneeling so that he could hug Logan to him with his face pressed to Logan's stomach. "I missed you so much," Logan whispered, hands getting caught in what was left of the luxuriously thick mane before he pulled James as close as possible in their current position.

"I heard you say that earlier. I was hoping it was about me."

"Of course it was."

"I figured, once I saw my face on your computer." James was choked up and trying to fight it with levity.

Logan managed a chuckle that was almost a sob. "How did you get in here?"

James sat back on his heels to look up at Logan, who used his fingers to wipe away the tears that had begun to fall. "Luis still has people on the inside that are loyal. I know you don't believe this, but he's a good man, Logan. He just...got caught up in really bad shit."

Logan nodded slowly. "Sounds like someone else I know."

"They've been keeping their eyes on you. Just waiting for you two to crack and give us up, or at least tell what you know. You never did."

Logan shook his head. Had those agents been loyal to Luis a year ago? If so, why hadn't they alerted him to the mission? There were still so many questions, and only two people who could answer them. "Is Carlos good?"

"He's...struggling with some things. But physically, yeah. He's fine. He should be in Kendall's office right now. Hopefully Kendall's smart enough to keep from pissing Carlos off. I haven't heard any gunshots yet, but..."

"Well, we are in the basement, and Kendall's five flights up, so..."

James chuckled before his eyes changed, drinking in Logan's face. "You haven't changed. You're exactly what I always dream about."

"You have," Logan pointed out. "And yet...you haven't."

James bit his bottom lip, suddenly nervous. "Do you still want the things you wanted then? I know you have a life here, and I would understand if—"

"Yes," Logan interrupted, finally giving in to the need to kiss James and relieved when it was returned with the same desperation. James' hands slid up his thighs to settle at his sides, fingers digging in with that same possessive feel Logan had loved so much. "I need a little time to set everything up, but yes. As soon as I can. I can't stand living without you anymore."

"Will Kendall come?"

"Absolutely. We've both been going crazy."

James nodded, mind shifting from relief to the next step now that he knew what the outcome would be. "Okay, Luis knows we were hoping to bring you back with us, so he's already expecting—"

"There's something you need to know."

Logan's tone told him it was serious, and trepidation caused him to freeze up. "You're seeing someone else, aren't you? I waited too long."

"No, no it's nothing like that. There's nobody else. I accepted a year ago there never would be."

"Okay." Now that he could breathe again, James prompted, "Go on."

"It's probably best to just show you."

When Logan rolled the chair away, James stood. Logan reached for the phone he'd set on his desk and patted his lap. After raising an eyebrow, James lowered himself so that he was perched on Logan's legs. "Am I too heavy for you?"

"You're perfect. Just..."

Logan shifted him sideways so that James had one arm slung over Logan's shoulders, allowing them both to be able to see the phone he held in one hand. Neither mentioned the obvious reaction Logan was suffering due to James rubbing over his lap; if things worked out, there'd be a lifetime to enjoy that later.

"What are you showing me?"

After unlocking his screen, Logan called up the photo gallery and scrolled to a folder he'd created for pictures of one particular person. Emily's smiling face filled the screen and James gasped, Logan feeling his body tense up before the trembles started.

"That's...she's older. You found her?"

Not sure James was going to be happy with the news, as he'd always believed she was safest without her whereabouts being known, Logan nodded. "I did. It wasn't easy, I spent a lot of time physically going and talking to people because I didn't want the Bureau to know about it and wonder why I was devoting so much time and energy to a little girl, but...for two months, that was what I did when I wasn't working. Of course I didn't have a name to give them and I had to try to narrow down a location, but I finally found a woman who remembered the necklace, and from there I found the person who took her in that day. They'd named her Jane, like Jane Doe."

Hot tears streamed silent but unbidden down James' face. "She's safe? Right now in this moment, she's safe?"

"She's safe." Logan scrolled to the next photo, which showed her sitting at a piano next to a woman who was obviously teaching her.

"Oh my god," James whispered. "She's...she plays? She's so young and she..."

"She's taking lessons. I know she's young but she's really shown an aptitude for it. She loves it."

James hid his face in Logan's shoulder and wept. Logan allowed it, rubbing his back soothingly and kissing his forehead until he was capable of speech again. "Is she...they don't know who she is, right?"

"No. She was still with the agency when I found her. They said she'd met with prospective parents and most of them loved her, but...she was really quiet, didn't speak much. And the mystery of her origins kind of spooked people. So nobody had adopted her at that point."

"At that...so she's been adopted now?"

"She has."

The news was a paradox of relief and pain to James, who nodded and attempted to smile. "That's good. She has a normal life now? A family?"

"It was a single dad who adopted her."

"Oh." James wasn't sure how to feel about that. "You've researched him, right? I mean, if you cared enough to track her down and want to make sure she's taken care of, then I'm sure you—"

"I know everything there is to know about him."

"Of course you do," James chuckled, hugging himself to Logan awkwardly for a second. "Is he trustworthy? Is he a good man?"

"I think so, but it's really your opinion that matters. Hang on, I have a picture of them together."

Logan scrolled, terrified now. He'd imagined this conversation in his head so many times but never dared to believe they would actually have it. What if James was angry?

He bypassed a picture of Emily in front of a cake aflame with five candles, bracing himself as the next one appeared. It was a selfie he'd taken of the two of them at her fifth birthday party, which had included only his mother and two other guests. Logan had knelt next to her chair for the photo, both of them sporting wide grins and her hazel eyes twinkling with excitement at the prospect of opening a small mountain of presents.

There was no visible reaction from James, though Logan felt him going through an avalanche of emotions that he was keeping tightly reined in. When Logan peeked up at his face, he was met with the same stare he'd been given the first time James laid eyes on him—when James had been so overcome with emotion that it stunned him.

"Babe?" Logan tried softly. Still there was nothing. "Please say something. Be mad if you're going to, but say something."

Nothing.

"James, I'm sorry, I had to make sure she was okay, I needed to know for my own peace of mind. And...the truth is it was the closest I would ever be able to get to you." Logan crumpled then, the weight of an entire year of loneliness and emptiness bearing down on him. "I missed you so much and it was the closest I could get to you."

This time it was Logan burying his face in James, hot tears staining James' shirt as he fell apart. James' arm tightened around him, the other lifting to pet his hair. "You're going to marry me. I don't care where we have to go or what names we have to use but you're going to marry me and I'm not letting either of you out of my sight again, do you understand me?"

"Yes," Logan gasped, pressing in as close as he was able.

"Where is she right now? She's safe, right?"

"Yeah, she's..." Logan lifted his face and brushed away tears, forcing himself to gather his thoughts. "She's due to start school next week, so it's good that you came now. She's upstairs."

"Upstairs...here?! In this building?!"

"Daycare. It's the safest place for her to be. I know the more time you spend here, the more dangerous it is, but can you stay long enough to see her? She'd really love that."

James licked his lips, nerves crashing down. "She remembers me?"

"I told you she would. I told her when I met her that I was a friend of yours but that she couldn't tell anyone. Her memories were starting to fade, but we made sure to keep them alive. We talk about you a lot. We both miss you every day."

"Oh god," James whispered. The fear was still there, but it was overridden by the profound need to hold his daughter in his arms, to see with his own eyes that she was alive and well. Logan reached around him for the phone on his desk, dialing an extension.

"Hey, Donna, it's Agent Mitchell. Could you have Emily brought to me right away? I'm sorry, there's a family emergency and I need to leave. Thanks, I appreciate the kind words."

When he hung up, James was scrolling greedily through the photos on Logan's phone, his eyes lighting up with each one. "How did you know it was her birthday last month?"

"Your phone password."

James jolted. "What?"

"I memorized it," Logan shrugged. "Figured it had to be that."

"Jesus Christ, Logan, how do you know me so well when we spent like...two days together? I've never understood that. Or was it because you researched me for the case?"

"There was no information about you when we went into it. There was plenty about Carlos, but you were a mystery even to the Bureau. Everything I know I got from what you told me, and from what I picked up during the mission, by just...watching you. I'm sorry about that. I studied you so closely because I was fascinated by you."

"I can understand that," James nodded. "I haven't stopped thinking about you since the day we left. I was so hurt, and so betrayed, and angry at myself because the signs had been there and I missed them. But I couldn't stand to think that all of it was a lie. I knew in my heart that some of it had to be true."

"All of it was, James. All of the feelings were real."

"I kept coming back to you wanting to run away without Kendall. It didn't make sense to me unless you wanted the glory or you actually did love me. I wanted to believe it was that. And then I kept remembering the way you loved me in spite of the mistakes I'd made. The fact that you could overlook all of that and leave it in the past and judge me for the man I was in the present. I decided that if you did love me, I owed you the same thing—the chance to prove that who you were in the past wasn't who you are now. Or at least that the person you were at the end was genuine."

"He was. He still is."

"I know. I see it in your eyes. You can't hide your feelings from me. Not after that first night."

Logan lifted his lips, James meeting them eagerly and both of them lost in what they'd thought they'd never have again when a knock sounded at the office door. James moved with a swiftness that shocked Logan, back to his hiding place behind the filing cabinet with the knife drawn by the time the door cracked open. Emily ran in, pigtails flying behind her while her necklace jangled around her neck.

"Logan, are you sick? Miss Donna said we have to leave!"

"No, sweetheart, it's not me. I'm fine." Logan thanked Donna with a nod, bracing himself for the impact when Emily launched herself onto his lap. He waited until the door was closed to glance to his left, where the knife had fallen to the floor the moment she'd come into James' line of vision. "Someone's here to see you, but I need you to be quiet about it, okay? We have to keep our voices down so nobody hears."

"Okay," Emily whispered, already excited. "Is it Uncle Kendall?"

"Not this time," Logan chuckled. "He's upstairs in his office. There's someone really special here to see you."

Emily gasped. "Is it Daddy? Did my daddy come for me? I wished for that when I blew out my candles. You said it had to be a special wish."

Logan smiled, knowing how that must be affecting James' heart. He looked to his left again; James didn't disappoint, that same look of stunned wonder on his face. "Emmy."

Emily turned toward the sound, her excitement dying for a second. Logan could tell that she didn't realize it was him because of the drastic change to his appearance. She studied him more closely, though, and must have seen what she was looking for in his eyes. She gasped again, Logan shushing just when she would've screamed out "Daddy!" She got out "Da—" before it turned into a whisper, and then she was rushing to him, James wrapping her up tight in his embrace from his kneeling position.

Logan watched with his own tears wanting to spill over, but then spotted the knife and quietly crouched to reach over and move it safely away from Emily. It was in his back pocket just in time for James to drag him in, too, and Logan hugged them both with a feeling of fullness. This was what he'd dreamed of since the day he brought Emily home, the three of them together and with a chance to be a family.

"Daddy, I missed you! And Mommy and Uncle Carlos, are they here, too?!"

James kissed her forehead, not wanting to crush her happiness just yet. Logan fielded it for him. "Sweetheart, remember we talked about Mommy. She can't come back."

"Oh. I forgot. I miss her."

"I miss her too, princess," James sighed. "But um...we can go see Uncle Carlos if you want. He's upstairs with Uncle Kendall right now. At least...I hope he is."

"Uncle Carlos is here?!"

"Shhh," Logan warned, not without a chuckle; her excitement was adorable and he was glad to see her so happy. He got to his feet and found the phone James had laid on the desk, calling up Kendall's number. "Hey, you got a visitor in there? Is he decent? Because we're on our way up. Emily's with us. Uh...let's surprise him. Yeah, I know, but this needed to happen. Okay. See you in a few." Logan ended the call. "Carlos is there and Kendall's still alive. He reminded me that we have to get you two out of this building as soon as possible."

"How are we doing this?" James stood up, bringing Emily with him so that she was clinging to his side. "Carlos and I can't stay in this country long."

"I know, and I've got it covered. There's a plan in place because I always hoped..."

"Yeah," James smiled. It was plain in his eyes that he wanted to kiss Logan, but as he was unsure how Emily would take that, he held off.

"Do you know where Kendall's office is?"

"Yes."

"So I'm gonna go up there with Em, and you follow at a close distance. You got in here with no problems, so I'm assuming you can blend in as an agent long enough to get upstairs?"

"Definitely."

"We'll hold the elevator for you. Listen, Em, we have to pretend Daddy's a stranger, okay? Can you do that?"

"Why?"

"Because we want him to stay safe. The bad people will get him if we don't pretend." Logan had a weird moment where he realized the irony of calling the FBI "the bad people." Everything had changed when James came into his life.

"Will they hurt him?"

"They will," James answered. He kissed her cheek. "So I need your help to keep me safe."

"Did the bad people get Mommy?"

Logan's heart dropped. This little girl had suffered so much more than any child should have to.

"They did," James nodded, his voice thick. "I won't let them get you."

"But you have to protect Daddy," Logan reminded her. "So pretend we don't know him, okay?"

"Okay."

James hugged her tight before passing her over to Logan, who set her down and took her small hand in his. "You ready for this, Daddy?"

"I've been waiting for this for the past year," James replied. Logan handed over the knife, which James pocketed before saying, "Thanks...Dad."

The word shocked Logan's face into a grin. He was finally going to have the man he'd dreamed of all his life, and a family on top of that.

He led Emily out the door, taking the first step into his new life.

* * *

"Hey! I do. He's...of course, do you think we're that ridiculous?" Kendall rolled his eyes at Carlos, who had no idea what was being said over the phone but smiled anyway. "Why? Oh, so...should I say anything?" He grinned at the reply, then it faded as he added, "They've already been here too long, we need to get them out of here soon. Okay." He hung up with a bracing sigh. "Logan's alive, they're heading up here now. Sounds like this is really gonna happen." The idea brought a grin back to his face.

"You sure about this, Kendall? I know how much it means to you, doing the right thing and putting away bad guys. You were the one who wanted to make the world a better place."

"I know," Kendall nodded. "I still do, I just...my reasons for doing it, they were...I don't know how to explain it."

"Try. I need to be sure you want this before I fly you across the world. You have to be positive."

"I am. Logan once said that taking you guys down wouldn't bring back my family. That it wouldn't erase my guilt. He was right about that. I had to come to terms with their deaths on my own, and I hadn't done that. Instead I just looked for someone to blame."

From his perch on Kendall's desk, Carlos touched his cheek and said gently, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for all the lives I took, even indirectly. And I'm sorry that your family was taken."

Kendall hissed in a deep breath, the pain still there even after years. "I still want to make the world a better place. But here...this isn't the way for me to do it."

"I don't know, our people on the inside tell us you're a damn good agent. That you can get inside someone's head easily. I can testify to that."

Ashamed, Kendall hung his head. "My heart isn't in it anymore. It hasn't been since you."

Carlos bit his lip before asking, "Is there a sequel planned? To your book?"

"Logan thinks I should write one. That I should end the final battle with one of them escaping instead of dying and that maybe it could become a series of books. Is that a crazy idea?"

"Hell no, I think it's awesome. Were you serious about me helping with the battle?"

"With ideas, absolutely. Why do you ask about it?"

Carlos shrugged, seeming embarrassed as he couldn't meet Kendall's gaze. "I um...I set up this room. Back home. It's my creative space. I have a desk, and easels with huge paper that I draw on, and it faces the ocean. It's my favorite place to be."

"That sounds nice, Carlos."

"My stuff only takes up half the room. I brought in a fridge and a microwave for snacks and drinks. Sometimes I don't want to leave the room and lose the creative mood I'm in, you know?"

"I totally get that," Kendall agreed. "Bathroom?"

"Tiny one that connects to the room."

"Nice," Kendall grinned, imagining that and wishing he could see it—praying he would within a matter of weeks if not sooner.

"I put in a second desk and a computer a few months ago. The place feels too empty with just me."

Kendall swallowed, his heart triphammering. "Sometimes I write in a notebook instead. When the ideas won't come. I just sit on my sofa and scribble ideas down until I fall asleep."

"There's room for a sofa under the windows."

They smiled at each other before Kendall whispered, "I'm positive. I want to be there."

"You can't change your mind."

Kendall stood from his desk chair to move between Carlos' legs and kiss him deeply. "I'm not going to." At the rap of knuckles on his office door, Kendall's face changed. "I have a surprise for you."

"James and Logan are not a surprise. You need to do better."

Though he laughed, Kendall promised, "Just wait. Come here." He took Carlos' hand and pulled him off the desk, hiding him behind the door before opening it to shepherd Logan and Emily inside.

"James is behind us," Logan whispered. "Close the door, he'll sneak in when the coast is clear."

"Hi, Uncle Kendall!" Emily screamed in what was an attempt at a whisper and failed. "My daddy's here! He came for me!"

"I heard, I'm so happy for you!" Kendall looked back over his shoulder to see Carlos peeking around him in shock.

"Is that...? No fucking way."

Emily gasped loudly before flinging herself against Carlos' leg. "Uncle Carlos!"

"Shhh!" came from two directions, Carlos himself barely even aware in his amazement.

"Emily?" He dropped to one knee and hugged her to him while looking up at Logan. "But...how?"

"He adopted her," Kendall shared with a smile. He glanced away when the door opened and James slipped inside, doing a double-take until he was satisfied it really was him. "Damn, I wouldn't even have recognized you. Where'd all your hair go?"

James' answer was a glare. Kendall laughed and impulsively hugged James, who stiffened before returning the affection. "You screw over Carlos and you're dead."

"Nice to see you, too, buddy." Before stepping back, he whispered, "Thank you. I know it was you who convinced him to give me a chance."

"I just wanted Logan."

Motioning to Emily, who was now seated on Carlos' lap on the floor while Logan knelt next to them, Kendall pointed out, "Well, now you've got all of us."

"Yeah. It's..."

"Scary."

"Terrifying," James admitted. "When you have everything you've ever wanted..."

"I know," Kendall nodded. "You could lose it."

"We're still in danger, Kendall. Probably more once you guys leave. It's going to raise suspicion."

"Logan's got it under control. I don't pretend to understand half of what he set up, but I know he created at least five false agent profiles with high clearance. Those 'agents' have been sending in reports occasionally of sightings of you two."

James blinked. "From where?"

"All over. Places he knew you weren't. Once his access is revoked, he'll still be able to log in under these profiles and do...whatever the hell he needs to do to keep us safe." Kendall rested a hand on James' shoulder. "I know it's scary. I have complete faith in him, though. He's a genius."

"What about that chick?" James' gaze still hadn't wavered from his daughter and Logan.

"Which one?"

"The one who showed up and pretended to deliver the groceries."

"Don't worry about her. She knew this day would come, and she'll do whatever she can to help us."

"Why?"

"I...don't really know. She's kind of a rebel. I'm actually gonna miss her. Won't miss buying her lunch every day, though."

"You won't have to worry about money there. Luis has things set up for you both. He said it would be too easy to trace our location with you guys taking out money from your accounts."

"Logan's got some plan in place for that, too. He and Luis can figure it all out."

James nodded, musing over the fact that his FBI agent was turning to the dark side, and doing it all for him and his daughter. "You know...I never imagined that one of your kind would end up being one of the good guys."

That brought a smirk to Kendall's face. He looked down at Carlos' happily animated face and replied, "I know exactly how you feel."

"We need to get out of here. I hate to leave Emily again, but—"

"She's safe with us. I swear that to you."

"I know."

Logan looked up at James as if he knew their time was coming to an end.

"I love you," James mouthed. When Logan smiled, James' heart went wild just like the first time he'd seen it.

"I need two weeks," Logan informed him. "And a location."

"I got that," Kendall supplied. "Work your magic."

Staring down at his daughter and best friend laughing together, James thought Logan already had.


End file.
